Authors Note: First off, this is not a really 'romantic' fantasy story. I've read several Slayers fan-fictions that are spliced with classic fairy tales on the internet and I've really enjoyed the ones by Dulcis-absinthe and Relm Wanderer. I'll keep Lina and Zelgadis in similar roles as in their versions, but in this story there is no alternate universe. The characters will be themselves while being thrust into fairy tale roles by an evil monster. All of the characters don't belong to me except for Helen, Ditle, Klide, and Chezem. They are mine. The first paragraph will be past tense in honor of the Grimm's Fairy Tale book sitting next to me, but the rest is written in present tense.
Once upon a time is how most fairy tales start, but this one does not. It will begin with the title sentence that every other fairy tale opens with.
Chapter One: Snow White
There was once a beautiful young maiden who loved to eat wonderful food and caused turmoil to the world around her using powerful magic spells. Her name was Lina Inverse and she loved life to the fullest. Her faithful companion was a superb swordsman who had recently lost his amazing and originally named Sword of Light. His name was Gourry Gabriev and he was on a grand search with his sorceress friend to find a powerful new sword.
One day they come to a town that Lina hates and Gourry cannot figureout why.This is where our story begins.
Lina is enjoying a golden afternoon at a tavern in a town called Ternup. The town is known for its amazing turnips which are the largest and sweetest in all the land. Unfortunately, Lina is not a fan of turnips. She ends up leaving the brown and yellow painted tavern in a fury of red as her companion Gourry tries to calm her aggravation.
"The turnips here are really good Lina, why don't you at least give them a try," Gourry says. He is eating a turnip as he says this so his words come out sounding like a garbled mess. "The turnips here - gulp droll - are really good - slurp - Lina -um gum um - why don't you - at least - gulp - give them a - aurgmm - a try." Lina glares at Gourry and shakes her fist at the sky. Someone is laughing.
"One turnip is fine Gourry but . . . but . . ." Lina pauses, leading up to her dramatic and life changing logic. After Lina has Gourry's full attention away from his purple snack she defiantly points her finger at the tavern menu. "But this is ridicules!"
Gourry studies the menu closely and nods his head. He turns back towards his small red headed charge and shakes his head. "It's just a menu Lina we've seen plenty." Gourry is right, but he is missing Lina's point. The point she is clearly pointing at. He isn't nearly as picky as Lina is, so he doesn't notice the problem.
"Gourry, you idiot!" Lina screams. She hits Gourry with a slipper as she grabs his head and forcibly pushes his gushy cranium inches in front the menu. "Every restaurant only serves TURNIPS! Turnip Soup, Turnip salad, Turnip casserole, Turnip ice cream, Turnip cake, Turnip lasagna, Turnip burritos, Turnip sauce, Turnip seasoning, Turnip rolls, Turnip bowl, Turnip platter, Turnip pancakes, Turnip Juice, Turnip tarts, Turnip fish, Turnip waffles, Turnip milk, Turnip sake, Turnip paper, Turnip meatloaf, Turnip sandwich . . ."
Lina keeps going, listing every turnip dish that Gourry can't really see on the menu in front of him. He is too close to the board so all of the words appear blurry. Lina doesn't take notice, besides half of the dishes she is naming aren't even on this particular menu. The sorceress is simply naming every turnip dish she has seen that day. She only stops when her stomach loudly reminds Lina of her misery and she drops Gourry's head.
"Didn't your mother ever teach you to not complain about eating your veggies," Gourry says as he listens to Lina's stomach.
"Oh course not!" Lina says. She grabs Gourry's arm and is about to leave the frustrating town when an old lady appears right in front of her.
Let me clarify, the old lady didn't just magically appear in front of Lina, but Lina is too distracted to notice the shrimp of a woman coming across their path. Lina is not satisfied with her current situation. The older woman is conveniently blocking her path and seems to be preparing to address the heroin.
The elder is very short, with tan wrinkled skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and a white worn shawl. The rest of her clothing has an earthy coloring, with a blouse, skirt and matching apron.
"You sound hungry young lady, follow me," The old lady says and begins to walk away. She doesn't even ask for Lina or Gourry's name, she just starts walking. Lina eyes the woman with skepticism and asks carefully.
"No turnips?" Images of man eating turnips are clouding Lina's mind and are as numerous as the trees surrounding the modest town.
"Nope," the woman says quietly. Hobbling forward in a cute and chubby way the elder continues on, she doesn't even bother looking behind her to see if the young people are following her. Lina and Gourry stare at the woman as she slowly makes her way down the cobble stone street.
"Is there a catch?" Lina asks. The young sorceress has seen her share of misleading situations and this one is playing out just like one would expect.
"Nope, not if you're willing to pay," the tiny elder says. "Otherwise I won't feed you."
"Let's eat!" Lina says as she tries to hurry the old woman along. Hunger is calling Lina's name and she wants to answer that call as soon as possible.
"I have a bad feeling about this," the observant Gourry says as he follows.
The old woman prepares a feast for them. Lina and Gourry are given real food, not that turnips are not real food, but in Lina's opinion a piece of steak or chicken qualifies as a real meal.
They learn that the elders name is Helen and she lives alone. She also happens to be one of the leaders of the town. A council oversees the well being of Ternup's people and Helen takes her job very seriously. So serious in fact that she is willing to offer strangers food, other than turnips, in order to ask for their assistance.
"You look like very respectable young people, just like Luna said. So, in return for feeding you, I was hoping you could help me with something," Helen says. Her voice is soft and her dark beady eyes plead with Lina. Helen grabs Lina's hand in desperation and continues, "If you don't do something our town will be in deep trouble."
Lina gently removes the wrinkled hand away from her, "Uh, I don't know, how about I just pay you like you mentioned earlier." Lina tries to ignore the fact that Helen mentions Luna and the red head blindly hopes that the old woman is referring to someone else.
"The town is willing to pay you for your help in this matter." Helen says.
"I see, well in that case, what's the job," Lina says eagerly. The amazing sorceress genius is excited, but she also isn't about to make deal she can't keep. That and Lina doesn't want to end up doing something she doesn't want to do. Or end up doing something stupid.
"There are three monsters in the woods nearby who keep stealing our prized turnips. It is also known that they are stealing food from other nearby towns. In fact some towns have been completely destroyed. Please miss, we will pay you handsomely," Helen says. Clasping her hands together she begins to put on the sweetest old lady face you have ever seen. Lina cringes and looks away scratching her chin as she tries to keep her cool.
"Um, sorry, but we don't deal with monsters," Lina says.
"But you must . . ." Helen starts.
"Look I'm sorry, but no amount of money is worth fighting monsters for," Lina imagines fighting Xellos and shutters at the thought. It is well known that Lina has fought many monsters, but Lina never goes out of her way to meddle into Mazoku affairs. "Come on Gourry."
Gourry hesitates, but follows Lina out the door as they head for an inn. As they go off into the night Helen gives a warning.
"You may not be willing to help us, but be warned, many travelers have gone missing around our town recently. Don't do anything foolish!" Helen says with worry etched in the wrinkles on her face. "One of these days you will need to give up your most valuable possession, and it won't be money."
"Yeah, sure we'll be careful," Lina calls and quickly continues on the path towards the inn.
"Maybe we should help them Lina," Gourry says. Something about the situation isn't sitting right inside him and it isn't the fried goose he is digesting.
"Gourry, it isn't worth it, fighting monsters is just asking for trouble." Lina says. Gourry is about to say something again, but he grows quiet as he thinks about Lina's words. He trusts Lina's judgment on the matter, but he still feels guilty inside and it is hard for him to sleep.
As they travel on, leaving the town of Ternup behind, Lina is in high spirits. Not only is she happy to be out of the town, but she is thrilled that she can no longer smell the last whiffs of turnips behind her.
Gourry is tired, but tries not to let it show. Sleep usually comes easily to the swordsman, even before their battle with Shaberbingo he slept well, but Helen's words have been echoing in his mind all night. Gourry concentrates his senses as they walk through the beautiful forest, one thing is certain to him, he will protect Lina from whatever this threat is.
The first thing he notices about his surroundings is the smell and he isn't the only one who notices. A new smell replaces the old rancid turnip one and it smells excellent to Lina.
"Do you smell that Gourry?" Lina asks as she sniffs the air carefully. The forest is quite dense so there doesn't seem to be any towns nearby, but Lina knows that what she smells right now must be a grand buffet. She is imagining a king's meal.
"Food," Gourry says as he begins to drool. He takes a deep intake of its delicious texture and realizes that he recognizes it from somewhere. "That smells familiar . . . wait I know that smell!" Gourry abruptly forgets about Lina and begins to run towards the source of the delightful aroma. Lina calls after him, but he doesn't hear her, he just keeps running. The red head chases after him until they both come to a quaint little clearing. Lina is in shock.
It is a sight just too perfect in Lina's eyes.
The cottage is adorable, with a thatch roof and mortared walls. Shining down in a heavenly glow through the colorful trees is a sun that seems to smiling down at them. Branches wave lazily in the breeze as the grass and trees sigh in harmony with one another. To top it off there is an adorable little bridge crossing over a tiny sparkling stream. It's just too much for Lina and her left eye starts to twitch. She cannot make her eye twitch on command if you ask her to, but she is doing it right now.
Before Lina has fully recovered, Gourry runs towards the cottage. He stops at the door as Lina comes to his side. They put their ears to the door and hear a woman humming a pretty tune as the clanking of dishes offers a steady tempo to her song. Gourry only hesitates a moment as he smells freshly baked cookies and he gives a confident rat-a-tat-tat on the cute wood door. The young woman's melody immediately stops on the other side of the door and a very soft voice is heard. It is almost so soft that they can barely hear it.
"Yes? Who is it," she says from inside the cottage.
Lina recognizes the voice at once. "Sylphiel it's us, let us in. We're hungry!" Lina says through the door as she jiggles the handle. Nothing will keep her out of this house, not dogs, not beast men, not even slugs. Well, slugs might, but only if they are really big and slimy.
"Ma-ma-Miss Lina?" Sylphiel says stuttering. Her voice staggers and they can hear her drop a clatter of dishes. Hopefully they don't have any food on them; it would be such a waste. "You shouldn't be here! You need to leave, before it's too late!" Another warning is given to the red headed sorceress and again it goes unheeded.
"Who cares, I hope you plan on sharing that food!" Lina says, it sounds like she is starving the way she is talking. "Gourry ram the door open."
"No don't, I'll be right there," Sylphiel says. Under her breath she mumbles, "well I did warn them," and she opens the door in resigned consent.
"Hello Miss Lina, Oh and Gourry Dear," Sylphiel says. Lina cocks an eyebrow as she looks at Sylphiel's' clothing. The priestess isn't wearing her usual clothing; instead she is sporting a full dress with a corset style bodice and an embroidered skirt to match. All of this is laced together with plush sleeves attached at the top. It is a traditional late 'medieval style dress. The bodice is a sky light blue color, while the sleeves and skirt are a navy blue and violet hue.
"Nice new threads," Lina says as she steps inside the home. At least Lina notices the new get up, but her attention is soon drawn to the smorgage board of food placed on the counters and tables around the room. The first floor of the home is very open, with a large kitchen and living area. Two doors lead off to different rooms with a stairway to their left leading off into a hallway. It is strange, because from the outside the cottage didn't seem as large as it feels and appears inside.
"Thank you Sylphiel," Gourry says as he walks inside and smiles down at Sylphiel. "You look nice too." Sylphiel blushes in response.
"Yeah, yeah, now what to eat first," Lina says.
"The meal will be done soon." Sylphiel says. As she watches Lina wander towards all the food with hungry eyes. Sylphiel tries to make a decision.
The priestess squirms, wringing her hands together in a knot. Lina can tell that something is bothering Sylphiel, but Lina waits, it is only a matter of time before Sylphiel begins spurting her mind at them. As Lina waits she decides to sample the three bowls of soup on the table. The sorceress figures that starting out with a light broth will prepare her for the rest of the meal. The first one is too hot, the second is too cold, but the third is just right. Lina figures that the third time is the charm and gobbles it down. Sylphiel can't take it anymore as she watches Lina engulf the perfect soup.
"Miss Lina, this food isn't for you, and you need to leave right away, if you don't leave, you and Gourry Dear will be trapped here like I am!" Sylphiel says all of this in one breath and gasps as her stress reveals itself.
"Trapped?" Gourry says as he drinks up the first bowl of soup. He likes hot soup. "You're trapped here?"
"Yes, I was on my way back to Siragg after visiting Seyruun when three monsters captured me and brought me here. They have been forcing me to make food for them and their beast generals, seven to be exact. It's awful, but I can't do anything about it."
"Why not?" Lina asks as she finishes up the last of the soup.
"This place is sealed off; no magic can be used here. Every time I try to leave I end up back inside this strange house. While it is a nice house, it just isn't right." Sylphiel tries to remain calm, but she clenches her fists in determination. It is obvious that she wants to cry. Gourry's concern is evident as he listens to Sylphiel and even Lina becomes worried. Lina knows that Sylphiel isn't one to cry, she has only seen the priestess cry twice and that was when her father was killed twice. Since then Sylphiel has been moving on and is making the best of her life, even if she needs to live it out alone. Thus is the fate of quiet, sweet, but strong girls like her.
Lina is not happy about her friend's reaction to this predicament. "Sylphiel!" Lina says, nearly shouts, at her friend. Both Gourry and the priestess look up at her. Gourry is smiling at Lina, with content resolve set on his face. Sylphiel is simply trying not to let her misery show at the moment. "Don't you worry, we'll get through this!" Lina says.
"But Miss Lina . . ." Sylphiel doesn't get to finish this statement.
"Don't 'Miss Lina' me; you can't let them walk all over you Sylphiel. Stick up for yourself."
Sylphiel's' eyes harden momentarily, it's not like she hasn't been fighting back. Sylphiel isn't the same push over she use to be, although compared to Lina she probably looks like a sparrow next to a vulture. The anger subsides though as Sylphiel realizes that Lina is actually showing that she cares about her. This thought means a lot to Sylphiel. It's not every day Lina is so selfless.
Lina walks over to Sylphiel and places a hand on the priestesses shoulder offering a victory sign to her companions as well. "They won't know what hit them," Lina says.
"Oh on the contrary, I believe it is you, Miss Lina who won't know what hit you." A mysterious voice says. The world begins to swirl around Lina and Gourry as a ray of tie-dye color and food circles around their senses.
Lina and Gourry immediately fall to the floor as they black out from the nauseating effect. Sylphiel kneels beside them and tries to wake them, but it is pointless.
"Let the fantasy begin," the monster says, and with a snap of his fingers Lina and Gourry vanish from the room. He turns to Sylphiel who is clenching her teeth and fists in fury.
"I warned you about letting strangers in the house, didn't I Miss Sylphiel? But I suppose it was inevitable." He walks to the pot on the stove and sniff its contents. The special tonight seems to be turnip soup. The monster wonders momentarily if his seven beast men will grow tired of turnips. Oh well, one should be content with what one has. "We can't have our precious princess killed. Those two might have had a poison apple on them," He says as he turns and gives Sylphiel a toothy grin.
"They are my friends!" Sylphiel says as she glares at him.
"It was only a joke, they would never harm you, and so I will not harm them."
The monster looks human for the most part, in fact he looks handsome. He has blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, and a lean face with a masculine body. The only disconcerting element about him is seen as he smiles. The grin he shares with the world might as well belong to a shark grinning at his next meal. White pearly daggers gleam at Sylphiel as she turns away in disgust. His name is Chezem and it is a name Sylphiel wishes to forget. He turns to an unseen audience and says, "Let the story begin."
Authors Note: This story will start out with a lot of Fairy Tale jokes, but towards the end their will be fewer and the story will become less comical. For now enjoy the goofy inconsistencies and nonsensical content.
