Disclaimer: I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist, nor the play I'm more or less parodying here.
Note: I deserve to be shot for this.
Anyone guess what play this is parodying? The title narrows it down, but oh well…
(Coughage) For crack reasonings, mainly...Elricest, EnvyAl, WinryEnvy and Royai. More pairings later on. If you've read the play...you'll know o.o;;
X
"So,"
Roy Mustang began, voice too calm and casual, "We're gonna
get hitched it four days, huh? God damn it…four days is too long."
Riza Hawkeye rolled her eyes, exasperated, "It's four days,
sir. Hold your horses."
Roy sighed, "Fine. Whatever. Hey, Havoc!"
"Yes sir?" the depressed Lieutenant glanced up at his boss, "What is it?"
"Go get a party started, 'kay?"
"Whatever." Havoc turned around, leaving, mumbling sorrowfully, cigarette drooping from his mouth, "Why don't I get a girl?" he asked no one in particular.
"Hey…um…Riza…" Roy began sheepishly, looking at his soon-to-be wife.
"What is it, sir?" she asked, glancing back to him.
"Maybe this relationship didn't start off so great, but…the wedding'll be better. I promise."
She couldn't help the smile that graced her features, "Of course, sir."
Just then a larger man burst through the door, three boys in tow. Adjusting his glasses, he grinned awkwardly to their Fuhrer, "Good morning, Fuhrer Mustang!"
"Mm?" Roy glanced up, looking bored again, "Oh. Hi. How're things with you, Hohenheim?"
"Terrible." The older male sighed, gesturing back to their boys behind him, "We've got a classic love triangle. Shape. Thing. Whatever."
Roy sighed, wanting Hohenheim to get on with it, "Yes?"
"Well…Envy…get up here." Grumbling, Envy stepped forward, "You see, Fuhrer Mustang, sir…I told Envy he could marry my little Alphonse over there." There was the sound of metal tinging off of metal in the background, presumably Al slapping his forehead, "But Al doesn't want to. Edward…" Hohenheim's voice rose. His son gulped nervously, full of apprehension. Edward stepped forward, giving Al a weak smile as he passed him, "And my son, Edward, wants to marry Al. But I won't let him."
Roy blinked, surprised, "Well that's…odd."
Ed folded his arms over his chest, grumbling, "Rather fucked up, actually." He was ignored.
"Ed…" Hohenheim began slowly, "What the hell do you think you were doing, seducing Al like that?"
Ed's jaw dropped, "Seducing….Al?!" He twitched, "You bastard! I did no such thing!"
"Yet he fell for you, and now he won't marry Envy."
"What if I don't want to marry him?" Envy asked callously.
"Quiet you." Hohenheim scolded, before turning back to the Fuhrer, "So you see, sir, we've got a bit of a problem."
"No shit." Roy mumbled, then rose his voice to address the suit of armour that was shifting awkwardly, looking for an escape, "What do you have to say about this, Alphonse? You've got three choices here…" Roy paused for dramatic effect, "You can marry Envy…"
Envy and Ed exchanged fierce glares, and stuck their tongues out at each other. Al squirmed.
"Or…" Roy continued casually, "You can die…"
Ed's jaw dropped, "You'd kill him?! What the hell?!" Even the armour looked stunned. Envy snickered.
"And your final choice," Roy said slowly, drawing out the suspense, "You could be a nun, or something."
Envy burst out laughing. Ed went pale. The armour froze its antsy movements.
"So then," Roy said at last, breaking the silence that came after Envy's fit of laughter, "What do you have to say, Al?"
"I don't want to die…or be a nun…and I most certainly will not marry Envy."
"Yeah!" Edward put in, excited now, "I'm sexier than Envy, anyway! And he," he pointed an accusatory finger at Envy, "Was flirting with Winry."
A series of startled gasps echoed throughout the room.
Envy cleared his throat, "What? I like messing with people…"
Roy shook his head, "Whatever. Al…you can have four days-until my wedding, that is-to decide. Hohenheim, Envy…come with me and Riza. We have something to discuss."
"Yes, Mr.Fuhrer, sir." Hohenheim said, following Roy and Riza out a side door.
"Whatever." Envy grumbled, following after them.
Edward sighed forlornly, glancing to his metallic brother, "I hate my life."
Alphonse nodded, "This sucks. I wish I could marry you."
Ed looked up at him curiously, "That's so weird, but I like it a lot better than your other options."
"Yeah…I wish there was something we could do."
Suddenly the thought struck Ed, and his face lit up, "Why don't we run off to Risembool? Auntie Pinako could help us out, and we'll get married there!"
"Sweet deal!" Al hopped a little, sounding pleased with the plan.
"We should meet in the woods tomorrow night." Ed nodded, satisfied with his plans, "Our usual hangout. Midnight, okay?"
Alphonse nodded, anticipating their romantic runaway together.
"Hey," Ed shushed Al, making sure he'd say no more, "Winry's coming this way!"
Winry moped along into the room, looking dully up at her childhood friends.
"Hey," Al sounded worried, "What's wrong, Winry?"
"What's wrong?" she fumed, "I'll tell you what's wrong! Envy made me fall for him, now he's chasing after you! This bites."
Al stepped back in surprise, "Sorry, Winry…"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She sighed, and Al took pity on her."
"Well he'll notice you soon. I promise."
"Hm?" Winry glanced up, curious now.
"Ed and I are going to run off and elope. So then Envy'll have to notice you-I'll be gone!"
Winry looked weirded out, "That's strange, but…okay..."
"Yeah…we're meeting in the woods tomorrow night! You know…Where the three of us used to hang out all the time."
Al nodded and waved goodbye to the two of them, obviously quite cheered up by the entire event. He ran out of the room.
Ed offered Winry a small smile of comfort, "You'll get him, and don't worry. I'll get Al." Ed winked before waving, and dashing off.
Winry sighed forlornly, "I should probably tell Envy." She glanced around, and grew bolder by the moment, "Yeah! That's it! I'll tell on the Elrics, and tell Envy all about their little plan…then Envy'll be grateful to me…it'll be worth it, I just know it!" and with that thought in mind, Winry left, beaming, to go find Envy.
