Hey, y'all! This is my first foray into the wonderful world of Sonny, Olivia, Carly, Jason, Sam, and everybody else (they breed like rabbits, don't they? Hmm.) Here's the deal: in honor of my favorite bitchy character, Claudia, who it seems is due to kick the bucket, it's the Claudia fic where ANYTHING—I repeat, ANYTHING—can happen, but…dun dun DUN!...CLAUDIA CAN'T DIE!
Yep, in this story she's invincible. When I say anything can happen, she can fall off cliffs a la Wiley Coyote. Sonny can dance the Macarena in front of a Russian mobster. Jason can make out with a pineapple…you get the idea…but CLAUDIA CANNOT DIE.
The best part? After the first chapter, it's all requests. Anything goes.
I hope to hear from you soon!
And now, ladies and gentledudes, without further ado, I present to you the one, the one, direct from Port Charles, New York…Here's Claudia!
Chapter One: In Which Everything Goes to Sam Hell (or is it Sam Heck? Or Sam Hill?)
As parties go, this one sucked. Somebody had spiked the punch, so Kate Howard was doing the Wave as Olivia sang the Italian National Anthem backwards in Dutch. This, in and of itself, was not a problem. However, Claudia had left her camera in her room, and Spinelli, Maxie, and Jason were in there. Claudia was pretty sure they weren't doing anything disturbing.
At least, she hoped beyond wildest hope that they weren't doing anything. Claudia had done some perverted things in her lifetime, but she still had her limit. What if it all were caught on camera, and when she rewound the tape later?...
Best not to think about that.
"Psst!"
Claudia
whirled around. One hand instinctively slipped to the pistol tucked
in the folds of her dress. To her surprise, the only thing behind her
was an ice sculpture of a beaver.
"Psst!"
Claudia
frowned and shook her head experimentally. "Did that ice sculpture
just 'Psst!' me?" she wondered aloud. "Maybe I should get
that checked out."
"Claudia, you idiot! Over
here!"
"Johnny?"
Sure
enough, her baby brother was hidden behind the ice beaver with a
glass of punch in hand. Claudia hurried over to him. "Johnny, what
the Sam Hell are you doing here?"
"I thought it was Sam
Heck."
"No, I think it's Sam Hell. Or is it Sam Hill?"
Claudia shrugged and tossed her dark locks over one shoulder. "Why
are you hiding behind a giant—Is this supposed to be a
woodchuck?"
"Beaver, Claudia. It's a beaver."
"Why
a beaver?"
"Shut up!" Johnny's eyes darted around
nervously. "Listen. Jason knows, Claudia! He's going to tell
Sonny!"
"Knows—" Claudia's breath caught. "How do you
know that Jason knows?"
"I know that Jason knows because
Michael knows what you know, and he told me that he's going to tell
Sonny what he knows, but he wanted me to know first."
Claudia
squinted at her brother. "You know that Jason said Michael what?"
Her gaze landed on Johnny's glass of punch. "John, you're
wasted."
"No, I'm not!" Johnny staggered sideways and
almost upended the woodchuck/beaver. "Well, maybe I am," he
conceded, "but that's not the point! Sonny's going to kill
you.""
"You're neurotic. Sonny loves me now, Johnny.
Don't worry. I have him wrapped around—"
"Claudia WHAT!?!" a voice roared. Johnny smirked.
"You were saying?"
"Oh, screw you," Claudia muttered. John grabbed her wrist as she tried to stand.
"Claudia,
you may have been a bitch, but for God's sake you're my sister.
Listen to me. Get the hell out of town. It's your only way!"
"Too
late."
Kate Howard had danced over to the ice sculpture and was
grinning victoriously. "Oh, Sonny! I found her!" she crowed.
Claudia flipped her off, but Kate merely crossed her eyes and started
to flirt with the ice beaver. Claudia sighed and stood reluctantly.
John groaned and sat back to watch what ensued.
"I'm going to kill you for what you did to my son," Sonny growled.
"Ian Devlin did it, not me, okay? I told him to aim for you!" Claudia retorted. Sonny glared at her.
"That's
comforting! My own wife wants to kill me!"
"That was then!
This is now, Sonny!"
Sonny took a step towards Claudia.
Inadvertently, Claudia shrank away as visions of her father filled
her mind. "I don't want to die," Kate Howard whimpered to the
beaver.
Sonny
was nearly upon Claudia when he froze. To everyone's astonishment,
the mob boss's hands fell to his sides. Sonny Corinthos sneezed
once, twice, thrice.
"Ew. Use a tissue," Lulu whispered.
Claudia opened her mouth to say something—
--and screamed.
"What
the Sam Heck is that?" Johnny whispered to Olivia. She swatted his
arm and muttered. "It's Sam Hill. Shut up."
"It's—it's—it's—"
Lulu stammered. By her, Dante/Dominic burst out laughing.
"Doo de doo doo PENGUIN MAN!" Jason screamed from the other room.
Claudia poked Sonny (or what used to be the infamous mobster) in the chest. The small black-and-white bird (for, indeed, that was what Sonny was) squeaked indignantly and flapped its flippers.
"What the Sam Hell."
"Hill."
"Heck!"
"I
married a penguin!"
Read! Review! While you're at it, leave the next idea! Remember, anything goes, but Claudia is invincible!
Later!
Love y'all,
Icey
