Title: This is Now

Rating: PG for male/male kissing, angstiness

A.N: Alai/Ender slash. There isn't enough slash in this fandom. Written for losselen.

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"Everybody needs a friend. Despite appearances, even I do. You know that, Alai."

"I know that. You think I've forgotten?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen you…"

"For a long time."

"And I regret it."

Silence. Alai hardly knew what to say anymore.

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty."

Ender sighed, not a casual sigh but a deep exhalation, shoulders drooping and every inch of him showing his utter exhaustion. "What is it with you? Can't you see I need you?"

"Now I can. You didn't say anything."

"How could I? They expect me to be their hero, the kid who saves them from the Buggers. I can't look weak, I can't. Not ever."

"Needing people isn't weak."

"It's enough."

Alai means to tell Ender that they all need him, so it's okay if he needs them, because they're a team, but what comes out is, "I need you." He's not sure what he's just said. He hopes it was what he meant to say, but a more secret part wishes that it had been what he wanted.

Ender looks at him, saying nothing. What do you see? Alai thinks. Surely I do not look as drained as you do. Do you see a strong soldier? Do you see a friend? Do you see, after so long, one of those you command because it is your duty? Do you see a weak, foolish boy?

"Do you remember when we were launchies?" he says.

"It feels like forever ago."

"You know I needed you then."

"I know. God, Alai, I know." Ender's voice is strained, even more than before. "And I know, the kiss was just a goodbye, and you don't need me any more than as a friend, that's all. Isn't that what you were going to tell me?"

Alai can't speak for a moment. Then, "No," is all he says. Is all he can say.

Ender deflates. "Then what is it?" he whispers.

Alai takes a deep breath, and steps forward, close to the boy he has known for years but still can hardly fathom sometimes. "That was then. This is now." And he kisses Ender, not on the cheek, but on the mouth. The boy he needs, who needs him, and he might not even be doing this if they weren't probably going to die soon.

Ender kisses him back. The room is dark and Alai can taste the desperation on their lips.