A hollow's journey through the beautiful/deadly/depressing/irritating world of Dark Souls 3

Key:

Bold = game messages, indication of speakers

Italics = NPCs speaking, special thoughts, messages

*doing* = in-game actions

*doing* = player actions

Chapter 1 The Journey begins

-Player: Hell yeah! It's finally here, took long enough. No time to be wasted, let's jump right in! That is, wait, is everything ready? *checks* One backup mouse and keyboard…Check! Two pounds of anti-stress-chocolate…Check! Writing pad and pencil for the death counter…Check! Lots of motivation and willingness to die? But of course! Let's do this! (I hope I haven't gotten rusty…)

-New Game.

-Yes, indeed.

-Cool, it's the old epic-narration-lady! Man, good to hear from you again.

-Aldritch, Saint of the Deep.

-Uuhm, that's a giant black blob…

-Farron's Undead Legion, the Abyss Watchers.

-OMG! That's Artorias' sword! Always more of that please! *realization* Shit, I'll have to fight a horde of Artorias fanboys, haven't I?

-And the reclusive lord of the Profaned Capital…

-Aw, please not another giant! I don't want to fight a pair of ankles for two hours again!

-…Yhorm the giant.

-Ok, make that a flaming giant. Well, I guess there's no way it's as bad as the Last Giant (and he looks hella cool!).

-Nameless, accursed undead, unfit even to be cinder.

-Is it just me or is the player character getting shittier with each game?

-And so it is, that ash seeketh embers.

-And so it is, that I seek death, demise and misery. Lets go.

-Ok, character-creation time. Hmmm, should I go with a serious look or with a giant red melon for a head? Nah, that's too distracting for the first time. There you go: Strong, black haired, with an imposing mustache and hook nose (come on, a little extravagant is inevitable). I shall name thee – Fred.

-Goddammit, they removed the pendant. I guess I'll take firebombs then, those never hurt.

-Hey, look at that, a few new classes to choose from. And, of course, good 'n old Deprived. Maybe for some extra challenge… *pretends to consider it* Yeah, no, I'll take a Herald, thank you. Better play it safe for now. I hope that doesn't count as a cleric, don't want to piss off Patches.

-Guess this is as ready as I'm gonna get. Let's see how long I last…

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

-Cemetery of Ash

-Aaand there's the tutorial area. Looks depressing as always. Also, holy shit, I actually have my weapons this time! Alriight, where's my first victim?

-I'm scared. These guys all die in one hit. Where's the trap…

-Huh. Even the archers aren't the pain in the ass they used to be. Looks like their going easy on new players. The giant crack there looks like progress…

-Gorgeous view ahead.

-Damn right you are, unknown player. Man, this looks amazing… *looks up* Well, that's a view and a half. Can't wait to get to that castle up there… *dawning realization* Nothing good ever comes from giant castles on cliffs in these games… *shivers*

-Hello, bonfire. So this is the road forward, time to go back and check for the dozens of secrets that I missed.

-Turn back.

-Not happening, game. I beat your ancestors, I ain't gonna quit in the tutorial area.

-Is that a crystal lizard? What, have they actually made them an enemyyyyyy….HOLY JESUS, THAT's FAST! *gets rolled over by a giant ball of crystals*

-You died

-Well, so much for that. 10 minutes in, first death. Man, I missed that logo. Let's go again.

-Holy shit; that damage. Is this the black knight of this game?

-You died

-Look, all your little children I killed in the first game, that wasn't personal, I just needed their stones…Which kind of makes me wonder what you are going to drop…

-*dodges ball of death, stabs with spear* Phew, down it goes, finally. First test: passed. Goddammit that's a lot of souls. …So, uhm, where do I even spend these?

-That seems to be all for now. The level-up-place must be somewhere ahead, time to move forward.

-These hollows are a joke; I mean, who actually dies to these guys? I know that's dangerous to say, but come on, they can't even hit me!

-Big stone doorway…large open area…lonely figure in armour in the middle…I'm gonna die, aren't I?

-What do you know, it's not active yet. It says: 'Draw out sword'. He's gonna be so thankful, I'm sure…

-Hello? Ah, ok, he moves. Holy shit, what is that black thing on his back? Holy shit he's got a halberd. Holy shit, he's slow as all hell. 'Iudex Gundyr', I think you're going down.

-When am I gonna learn to control my greed? When a humanoid boss raises his arm in an obvious grab attempt, you role the fuck away, not stay right in front of him and attack. That's Souls 101. What the…?

-Ok, just to recap: He picks me up by the head with a gloved hand, impales me on his halberd and just for good measure, he flings me around the arena. How am I alive again?

-Nevermind. Damn, that thing has a long reach. You died. Ok; patience, Fred, patience. He's slow, so you just stay close to him and don't hit him more than twice in a row. Easy.

-Almost too easy. He hasn't even hit me once. Half health, and I still have all my heals; looks good – uhm, what? Black? Hand? What? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! That's like twice the size of him! Oh my god, it is quick. Giant hand, okay. Okay. Calm down. Learn the moves…Arrgh, I can't see! Camera, please…

-You died.

-Well, that was unexpected, to say the least. Giant in amour too easy? Let's make him into a black tar monster at half health and make it crush half your healthbar with anything it does! I hate you Fromsoftware…

-What? He still has his halberd underneath all that stuff? You died. Come on, this is the tutorial boss! I'm not supposed to die here!

-Hey, there's a little ledge down there, with an item. Guarded of course. Maybe it can help me here? *unwarranted optimism*

-Plunge attack for the win, he never even saw it coming. Sweet, firebombs. Guess that means that's his weakness; let's try tha…Ouch, hey! Stop it hollow! *gets stabbed* Hell no, I'm not dying here! *rolls backwards into the wall* *panics and rolls sideways into the abyss* Nooooooooo! I'm such an….arrgh! You died. Why does it have to be such a stupid death? I could have just attacked him…Oh shit! That's all my souls gone…*sighs in resignation* Well, at least I have nothing to lose anymore…

-Bring it Gundyr. *dodges* Take this! *stabs* And that! *throws firebomb* (dammit, that doesn't even graze him) *gets hit by a delayed swing* Motherf**er, stop that! *stabs again* Ok, transformation time. Back up and heal aand..dodge! Ok, he is manageable. Woah, careful; big hand. *stabs, gets stabbed* Ouch! Back off, back off! Heal – damn it, that's the last one! Come on, he's so close to death…

-Chaarge! Yeah, just two more hits…CAMERA! Get out of him; I need to see what I'm doing! *gets slammed into the ground* Please no, please no, he's almost dead. Uuuuuuuhmmmm….? Firebomb? *throws* Wow, that damage! Why does he take so much damage now…He's dead! He's really dead! Woohooo, heck yeah! Ember restored. *ignores* Wow, I did it. That was cool! Hey, look, a bonfire; so deserved. *rests* Good riddance Mr. Gundyr, good fight! Tough first boss, for sure.*pauses* If you are any indication, I'm already scared of what comes after you (and I still can't level up…).