For the sixth time that week Phil was abruptly awakened far before he was ready. He opened his eyes to a pitch black room and sighed. His clock read 3:46 a.m. He silently cursed his genetics for making him a ridiculously light sleeper, who could be woken by a mouse sneezing in the next building over. He took a second to listen and confirmed that, for the sixth time that week, he had been woken by the sound of Dan pacing up and down his bedroom, footsteps highlighted by their creaky floorboards. This time, he could hear Dan muttering and whispering to himself though he couldn't tell what about. Phil frowned and once again, for the sixth time this week, wondered if Dan was alright. The day previous he had casually asked Dan over breakfast if he was okay, and he only brushed off the question and said he was fine,
Phil sighed. He wished Dan would just talk to him. If this keeps up, Phil thought, I'll confront him. Eventually, the sound of the pacing faded into the background and he drifted off into sleep once again.
The next morning he awoke, his mind still weighing heavily on Dan. He shook his head to clear the thoughts and got out of bed. He yawned and sleepily headed into the living room. He checked the time on his phone, 9:41. It shouldn't be long until Dan woke up. He decided he would wait for him to get up so they could eat breakfast and watch anime together, as they did most mornings. He grabbed his laptop off the coffee table, sent out a good morning tweet, and scrolled through Tumblr for a while.
It reached 10:00 and Phil was starting to get hungry but Dan hadn't shown any signs of life yet. Finally, about 10 minutes later he heard Dan's door opening and slow footsteps heading down the hall. He rose to go meet him in the kitchen. He walked through the doorway to see Dan standing with his back to him, pouring himself a bowl of cereal.
"Morning, Dan!" He greeted him cheerfully. Dan turned to face him.
"Morning." He replied in a dull voice.
Phil's brow instantly furrowed with worry. Dan looked awful. His hair was disheveled (even more than usual), his eyes were ringed with dark circles, his lips looked chapped and peeling, as if he had spent the night trying to chew through them, and his eyes were tinged red like he had been crying.
"Are... You okay Dan?" Phil asked worriedly, moving toward him. Dan shrugged, once again brushing off the question.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Dan lowered his head and quickly brushed past him, headed into the lounge.
After watching him leave and staring at the doorway with concern for far too long, Phil grabbed himself a bowl of cereal. He spent a moment pacing in the kitchen, trying to come up with a way to bring up the topic and get Dan talking, but couldn't come up with anything good. He walked back into the lounge dejectedly and sat on the end of the couch. Dan said nothing, staring off into the distance as he ate his breakfast slowly. Phil cleared his throat.
"What do you want to watch?" He asked. Dan shrugged and mumbled an "I dunno." Frowning, Phil nudged him with his foot.
"Come on Dan, it's your turn to choose."
"I don't care. Whatever." He replied, not taking his eyes off whatever he had zoned out on. Phil frowned and put his bowl down on the coffee table. He pondered for a moment if should wait for Dan to open up to him, or if he should just force him to talk. Knowing him, Phil thought, he would probably end up bottling it up until he snapped. He quickly made his decision.
"Alright, that's it. I know something is wrong, Dan. Please tell me what it is. I want to help." He implored, shifting over closer to him. Dan finally turned towards him, badly feigning ignorance.
"What... What do you mean?" He asked, forcing a nonchalant smile.
"I can hear you through the walls, you know. I know you've been up every night, pacing around your room." Phil shook his head slightly. "That's not normal, Dan. I'm worried about you..." He said quietly. Dan stared down at the sofa and didn't say anything.
"Come on Dan." He said even softer, as if he were to speak any louder he might frighten Dan away. Eventually Dan sighed, looking rather defeated.
"It's not that big of a deal. It's just…" He bit his lip, thinking about where to start. "Well, you know I always joke about existential crises and all that. Lately, I've just been thinking about it more than usual. I mean, what am I doing with my life? I don't have a career, all I do is spend all my time on the Internet. That's not a real job, you know?." Dan started speeding up, looking upset and slightly terrified. Phil tried to interrupt him, to console him, but he kept going. "Should I have stayed at uni? Maybe I could have been a lawyer by now. I mean, that's a proper career, people respect that."
"Dan…"
"And then I think, what does it matter anyways?" He ran a hand nervously through his hair. "In the grand scheme of the universe my life is completely pointless! I'm just one tiny, little, insignificant dot. Why should I even try? It's not like I'll have any sort of real effect on anything. I won't change anything..."
"Dan."
"Why does any life matter? There is no particular reason for life to exist anyways. There is no proper meaning to life, it all just ends in death. We'll all die eventually. Even the universe will probably end at some point. Really, there isn't even a reason for the universe to exist in the first place. So why..."
"DAN!" Phil was almost yelling. He finally stopped talking, lifting his glassy wide eyes to Phil, who held the expression of a worried mother.
"Dan," he said softly. "What on earth makes you think being a lawyer would make you happy? You were miserable at uni." He said with a light smile. Dan shrugged uncertainly. Phil continued.
"You and I both know that you love YouTube and the radio show, and there's nothing wrong with it as a job." Phil chuckled. "Could you really imagine yourself working a 9-5 job in a stuffy suit? Filing papers and arguing contractual agreements?" He joked. Dan let a small smile form on his face.
"I guess you're right." He agreed.
"And who cares if it's not a 'real' job," He continued, illustrating his point with air quotes. "You make a living don't you? And you're happy. I think…" Phil looked at Dan questioningly for confirmation.
"Most of the time, yeah." He smiled slightly, nodding. Phil put a hand on his shoulder.
"And that's what matters. Who cares if we're all gonna die?" Dan raised an eyebrow.
"Well…" He started jokingly, but Phil glared at him indicating he wasn't finished talking.
"Or that we're insignificant to the grand scheme of things? Either way, we're stuck living so we might as well make it good. Or at least as good as we can. That's really what the meaning of life is; to be happy." Phil shrugged. "Worrying about it isn't going to make it any less true, so better to just forget about it and try to be happy. Okay?" He finished, searching Dan's face for confirmation that his message got through. Dan couldn't help but smile widely, which caused Phil to internally let out a great sigh of relief.
"Damn Phil, when did you become such a philosopher?" He joked. Phil grinned mischievously.
"I always have been, but I've never had to use my superpowers on you before." He lifted his hands and waved them around like he was casting a spell. Dan let out a laugh and Phil joined in, and then held his arms out towards Dan.
"So, you're okay now?" He asked. Dan smiled and accepted his hug.
"Yeah, I think so." He replied. "And thank you." Phil pulled back and offered him a reassuring smile.
"No problem. And hey, anytime you wake up and want to start pacing, come talk to me. God knows I'll probably be awake anyways." He laughed. He was glad Dan was already feeling better. His appearance, of course, was still rather lackluster, but the playful light had returned to his eyes.
"Of course, thanks." He offered Phil a genuine smile. "Now I remember why you're my best friend, you can always make me feel better."
"I thought that was because of how amazingly perfect I am?" Phil sat up straight and flipped his hair exaggeratedly. Dan laughed loudly.
"That too." He nudged Phil playfully. "Truly worthy of the name AmazingPhil."
