Title: Enough
Author: Visiongirl
Pairings: B/A and C/A
Rating: R
Summary: A fic with some major angst: Angel is having a hard time with his life, and turns to the only person he can; Buffy. BUT THIS IS NOT A HAPPY, FLUFFY B/A FIC! Just consider yourself warned!
A/N: First, this story doesn't really have a set time. Second, I know I should be working on Once and Again (formerly Never Too Far Away) but this idea won't go away!
Buffy's POV
It was long past midnight when my doorbell rang. Everyone was asleep. The SITS safe in bed, and the rest of the Scoobies had passed out hours ago. I couldn't sleep though. I was awake. Worrying? Waiting? I don't know. Spike had disappeared the moment the sun had hidden behind the horizon. It's been like that between us lately. He calls it quiet. I call it tense.
The bell rang again, and I make my way to the front door. I'm almost afraid to open it, what with the First playing his mind games. I can never be too careful. I don't know what to expect.
I can tell you now, I didn't expect this.
Angel stood on my front porch, looking a little more broody than I remember.
"Hi." I say softly, at a loss for words.
"Hi." He replies, then glances around, almost nervously. "Can I come in?"
I move aside and beckon him in. There's no need to say he's invited--he's had a standing invitation for years. "Business or social?" I ask as I shut the front door.
"A little of both." he replies--I can see he doubts whether or not he should explain. "I need to escape business for a while. Escape L.A."
I bite back the 'I told you so' that is threatening to leave my mouth. Instead, I answer with a simple, "Oh?" I sit on the couch, and he follows suit. "Rough client?"
He shakes his head 'no' and relaxes against the back of the couch. He sighs--I wonder when he started to do that? "Just... a little of everything, you know?" He places his hand on my knee, and I place mine on his hand. Huh. They're softer than I remember.
"I'm glad you came. I really am. But, why aren't you in L.A.? Don't you have people up there to talk to?"
Angel frowns--or is that a scowl?--and continues. "No. Not about this. There's just so much. And Cordelia..." He stops himself. It may have been a while since I've seen him, but I can tell that her name brings anything but happy memories.
"So three years with Queen C has gotten to you?"
He shakes his head again. "No. I didn't mean it like that. She's fine. She's changed. A lot. It's just... there are things now. A lot of... I don't know. It's hard to explain."
I don't bother to ask. The look on his face is enough for me to know to change the subject. "Well," I say, "You're welcome to stay as long as you want.
He smiles at me. I can tell it's a little forced, but... well, I'm just glad I have the chance to see it. He sighs again, and then looks as if he's ready to just sink into the couch. He physically looks as if his body is suddenly 100 times heavier. I cock my head to the side and look at him questioningly. "Angel?" I say, hesitantly. "Are you ok?"
He nods, then leans towards me, and before I realize what's going on, his lips are on mine, and I remember what I've been missing. It's sweet and gentle, yet hard and needy at the same time. I have no time to think before we are both lying on the couch, and I can feel my shirt being pulled off of me.
And suddenly, I forget everything. All of the pain and worries I've had lately are gone, and I don't even need to think about the First, or the SITs or Spike.
No, I'm happy again. And all I needed was this. I feel him enter me and I let out a moan. I briefly worry about the curse, but pleasure takes over the worry, and I push it to the back of my mind. He growls softly into my neck, and I dig my nails into his back and whisper his name, and he moves quicker and harder and it takes everything I have to not scream in complete and utter pleasure. I wrap my legs tighter around his waist, pulling him deeper into me and I feel tears slide down my cheeks. I arch my back slightly under him, and whisper a single word, "Angel," before I pull him as deep into my as I can. I let my head fall back as I let out another loud moan, not caring about the people sleeping upstairs. I move my hips in time to his, and can feel my body draining of energy.
I let out another moan, and my body shudders underneath him. He holds me tighter to him, and I can't hold back the tears of happiness that flow over my eyelids. I shudder again, and let out a soft moan with every thrust of his. Finally, he comes, and I hear him growl possessively into my neck. He doesn't move, and I'm glad. I don't want to give up this closeness. Not yet.
He hugs me tighter yet, and I gently stroke his hair. "I'm so glad you came back." I whisper. "Tomorrow morning, we can work everything out." My tears are flowing faster. "I'm so glad we can work this out now. I love you."
He nods into my neck. "I love you too." He whispers.
I lift my head, and kiss him softly. He returns the kiss, just as soft. Just as gentle as ever. It's just like it used to be. Stolen kisses on patrol. Leaning out of my bedroom window. It's like the past three years didn't happen. I deepen the kiss and moan again into his mouth.
This is what I needed.
Sure, in the morning, things will be complicated. But we will work through them.
But for right now, this is enough.
*****
Angel's POV
I don't really know what I'm doing here. I left the hotel a while ago, not sure where I was going or what I would do when I got there. All I knew was that I was hurting. I was tired of pining after Cordelia and getting nothing in return. I couldn't be around her anymore, not without going crazy.
So here I am, in front of Buffy's house. I ring the doorbell, and only then do I realize it's past midnight. She would be asleep. I'm about to turn and leave, but think better of it. Instead, I ring the bell again, and a few moments later, she is standing in front of me.
I guess I was wrong. The dark circles under her eyes tell me she wasn't asleep, and maybe it had been a while since she was.
"Hi." she says softly.
"Hi." I reply. I look around, suddenly embarrassed that I dragged myself all the way over here, just to pull her into my personal problems. "Can I come in?" I'm already here, I may as well make the most of it. She moves out of the way, and I make my way inside. I can hear heartbeats. Lots of them. I don't bother to ask about the numerous guests she has at the moment.
"Business or social?" She asks as she shuts the door.
"A little of both." I reply. Then, I wonder if I should just shut up now and go home. But, my stupid mouth keeps moving. "I need to escape business for a while. Escape L.A." I want to kick myself. Why am I still talking? I mentally chide myself, and tell myself to keep my damn mouth shut.
"Oh?" Buffy replies. She wants to add more but doesn't. She sits down on the couch, and I sit next to her. "Rough client?" She asks.
I bite back a grimace. Rough everything. I don't bother to explain everything. I would end up talking all night. I shake my head 'no' and relax against the back of the couch. I let out a sigh, and I can see that confuses her. I don't really remember when I started that unnecessary habit--I guess I was just used to being exasperated when Cordy was around. "Just... a little of everything, you know?" I place my hand on her knee--I'm not quite sure why--and she places her hand on top of my hand. Her hands are soft and warm. I forgot how it felt to be touched by her.
"I'm glad you came." She says, "I really am. But, why aren't you in L.A.? Don't you have people up there to talk to?"
I try to hide my scowl. Yeah, that would be classic. 'Cordy, can we talk? Yeah, well, I love you. But I just feel like you don't love me...'. I look back at Buffy. "No." I say, "Not about this. There's just so much. And Cordelia..." I stop myself. I'm not bringing her to Sunnydale with me. No. I don't need to drag Buffy into my horrible love life, or lack there of.
She misinterprets my hesitation. "So three years with Queen C has gotten to you?" She asks. I don't know if she's asking snottily, or if she really is just concerned, but I don't bother to dissect it. I feel a little bad. I am pinning this all on Cordelia. It's not all her. I guess I have been... unreachable lately. But with good reason, I feel. If someone were to experience the way my love usually turns out--much like a train wreck--they would be hesitant to get close too. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts, and answer Buffy. "No. I didn't mean it like that. She's fine. She's changed. A lot. It's just... there are things now. A lot of... I don't know. It's hard to explain."
She wisely changes the subject, and I don't know if I feel relived, or guilty for blocking her out. Maybe I feel a little stupid for being so... I don't know... readable?
"Well," she says, "You're welcome to stay as long as you want."
I force a smile. I hope she doesn't notice. But, suddenly, I realize I don't care if she does. I can feel any ounce of energy I had left just drain out of me. Is this what it feels like to give up? I realize I just don't care anymore. I just want to stop feeling hurt.
She cocks her head at me, and looks questioningly into my eyes. "Angel?" She asks, "Are you ok?"
I nod slowly, then lean towards her. She's surprised when my lips meet hers, but she doesn't refuse. I can feel her relax into it, and I deepen the kiss more. Trying to feel something. Anything.
I pull her shirt off of her, and briefly wonder if maybe I should stop; If I should apologize for using her, and just head home. But I can't. I just need some comfort. I want to forget everything. All of the pain and worries and loneliness that seems to be haunting me lately.
We end up laying on the couch, and I know the curse isn't a problem. This isn't going to end up perfect happiness--it's just a temporary escape. And once I'm done, we'll fall asleep and when she wakes up, I won't be here. I feel guilty--extremely guilty--but my pain outweighs the guilt and I hope that when this is over, she can forgive me, but I won't blame her if she doesn't.
I enter her, and it takes all my will power to not ravage her and take out my frustrations on her tiny body. She moans and whispers my name, and I growl to myself, trying desperately to feel anything. She digs her nails into my back, and I feel her breathing quicken and her heart race, and I blink back tears, knowing that this girl under me isn't the girl I want it to be. I move inside her quicker and harder, going as hard as I can without hurting her. Hoping that maybe the friction will ease my pain. She wraps her legs around my waist and pulls me deeper into her.
She arches her back slightly, and whispers my name. "Angel."
I close my eyes and try to imagine Cordelia under me; Cordelia being the one to whisper my name in pleasure in the dark of night. She pulls me closer to her, and then her head falls back as she moans loudly. I don't even bother to wonder if the guests upstairs hear her. She moves her hips in time to mine, and I can feel her getting weaker, slower. She will be done soon, but I know I won't be for a while. Not until all of my frustrations and anger has stopped bouncing around in my brain. She lets out one last moan, and she shudders under me.
She's exhausted, but I'm nowhere near it. I hold her tiny body tighter and move harder into her. She shudders again, harder this time, and lets out soft moans with every thrust. I can only hope that I'm not hurting her, but by now I can't stop.
I hold her body to me, and continue to take advantage of the warmth and comfort she offered me. Wishing I never came here. Wishing it were Cordelia.
Finally, I come, and I growl loudly into her neck. I don't bother to pull myself out of her. I just hug her body tighter to me, and listen to her heart return to normal. She strokes my hair softly, and whispers to me. But I don't hear her. Instead, the tears finally fall over my eyes as she tells me she loves me. I close my eyes and pretend it's Cordy.
"I love you, too." I whisper, imagining brown hair instead of blonde. Dark hazel eyes instead of blue. Wishing I were in my room at the Hyperion, not on the couch at Revello drive.
She lifts her head an kisses me again. I kiss her back, my eyes still closed, my imagination in overdrive.
No, she isn't Cordelia.
But for now, she's enough.
