Clarke was curled up on the chair and Lexa was asleep across from her the book she had been reading resting across her chest.
Clarke was moving the charcoal over the page her eyes flicking over to Lexa to make sure she was capturing her right. It was frustrating. She had not drawn in such a long time and it seemed impossible for her to get it right. Her forehead creased in frustration and concentration. Why she was drawing Lexa she did not quite understand. How do I forgive what Lexa did? How do you forgive the person who you love leaving you to die? She shook her head and continued trying to get the image right.
They had travelled from Arkadia yesterday. Blood must not have blood. That is what Lexa had said. Clarke still remembers holding her breath as she had watched Lexa struggle internally with her decision. She had forgiven her people. Lexa had saved all their lives.
An image of Bellamy flashed into her mind. He had handcuffed her. He had slaughtered all those people. She felt sick when she thought about it. He had been her friend...still was her friend. But she didn't understand. She had been telling the truth when she had told Lexa she had every right to retaliate. Clarke had begged her not to and Lexa had changed everything, a whole culture to protect her people.
She suddenly remembered a tent in a muddy field waiting for war. "250 people died in that village. I know you felt for them but you let them burn." Lexa had looked her straight in the eyes and said "not everyone. Not you". Clarke wondered how much Lexa had changed to protect Clarke. Maybe that is how you forgive someone leaving you to die. When they change their whole world to save you.
Suddenly Lexa is awake and she is frightened and startled and I am at her side instantly. She tells me about the past commanders warning her, how she is betraying them.
No I say "your legacy will be peace".
It is said with conviction and I truly mean it. She nods and then looks down as if registering for the first time that my hand is on her knee. I think I realise for the first time too. It had been instinctive completely natural. I move it away slowly as she stands and picks up the book. Suddenly she notices my drawing. Shit.
Lexa reached down and saw the image of herself. Clarke has been drawing me? Watching over me as I sleep? I had been asleep in her presence. The thought was odd to me. How could I sleep in the presence of someone who had held a knife to my throat just a few weeks earlier? But so much has happened in those weeks. When she had left Clarke on that mountain she had been sure she was choosing between her duty and her feelings. She was sure she was leaving Clarke to die but she had hoped. And she had cared. She had cared so much but her duty to her people had to come first. When she had found out she was alive she felt herself become whole and until then she hadn't really realised the gap that had been forced into her soul by her betrayal. She had sent Roan after her. Clarke would not die in the ice nation not like Costia had. She would not allow it. And then the hate. Clarke had hated her. But now... Their relationship was so complicated.
Clarke was blushing, "it's not finished yet" she muttered "I can't get it right".
Lexa felt her lips pulling up slightly into a smile as she watched Clarke's embarrassment and frustration. "No one has ever drawn me before" I reply.
My voice is a whisper and my eyes lock with hers. I want her to understand how much this means. How much it all means. The forgiveness. The protection. The devotion.
"I am glad you were trying to" I tease.
Suddenly Clarke leans towards me and hits me laughing playfully. "Ha ha very funny".
She is so close to me. Suddenly her laughter dies and her lips are on mine and I freeze. I can't breathe. Clarke pulls away and looks questioningly at me.
Shit Clarke thinks. I just kissed her. Shit. Shit. Lexa froze. She actually just stood there. I could feel my lips against hers my hand on her face but Lexa did not move. Maybe I have read this all wrong. Maybe she doesn't feel the same anymore. I look in her eyes knowing I will find the answers there because I always do. The expression I see there is shock. Wide eyed shock. Shit.
Do something Lexa yells at her body. Suddenly Lexa reaches for Clarke and Lexa is kissing her in a way she has never kissed anyone. Insistent. Needy. Weak. And Clarke is kissing her back just as fiercely. Lexa feels her fingers in her hair and she pulls Clarke to her with her hands.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. We both jump I think. I still have my arms wrapped around Clarke's as she moves back. My forehead is resting on hers as I let out a sigh. I look at her and smile shyly.
"Come in" I say as I move away from Clarke.
"Sorry Heda I didn't know you were busy." I hear Titus say and I can feel Clarke dip her head next to me to hide a smirk.
To stop myself from laughing I say more harshly than I intend "Are you going to tell me what's in the box or not?"
Titus is standing there in shock and I register his dislike of Clarke being here with me even though we are a suitable distance apart. He sees it I think. This connection.
I pull my hands behind my back and face him defiantly. He recovers
"Forgive me. Of course. This is a gift from Prince Roan to Wanheda. The message said it was both proof of Azgedars loyalty to the alliance and an answer to a yet unanswered question".
Titus orders the box to be opened and lying there is a man I do not know. "Emerson" Clarke spits out.
And then the man is flying through the air at Clarke and I feel panic as he is on top of her "stop him" I scream.
The guards are there as quick as I am. They haul him off Clarke. "Put him in a cage NOW!" I try to help Clarke but she shrugs me off.
"I am fine!" She snaps at me. I look at her and know that with his arrival something has changed between us again. She flashes me a look of hate. I withdraw quickly shocked and stand away from her. Who the hell is he?
Clarke stares at him being dragged away. Clarke feels the revulsion rise up closer and closer to the surface.
Emerson knew... It was him. He knew there was a self destruct mechanism inside Mount Weather. He killed everyone. No Clarke had. She had pulled that leaver. She had killed Maya. She had killed them all. Men, women and children. All of them. She had burnt them all and then she had walked among their bodies. She felt Lexa's arm on hers and she pulled it away violently. No. No. No. Lexa had betrayed her. This whole thing... The nightmares that plagued her...they were all Lexa's fault. Lexa left her to die on that Mountain and all those people had died because of her. Because of Lexa's betrayal.
"I had no choice and you had no honour" she had once spat at Lexa. That hatred bubbled up inside her now. She needed to get away from Lexa. She walked out of the room without looking at anyone. Especially without looking at Lexa. It took all her restraint to not run. When she made it to her room she ran to the bathroom and vomited.
Lexa turned to Titus she wanted answers. She needed answers. Moments before this mans arrival Clarke's lips had been on hers. That kiss had been so full of everything and now there was nothing again. Nothing but hate and anger. Lexa had felt it radiating from Clarke as she had left the room. A desperation to get away. Clarke had not done that since a week after their first meeting. Lexa had been forced to face her because the summit had been that night and Clarke had kept as much physical distance between them as possible.
Lexa looks at Titus and says "Throne room now".
They walk away quickly. I don't want us overheard thinks Lexa. When they are there she turns on her heel and snaps "Explain."
Titus explains that Emerson is the last mountain man. Then it all crystallises. He had told the Ice Queen how to destroy Mount Weather. Mount Weather. She hated everything about the place. The constant presence of death. The constant way it forced itself into their lives time and again. Destroying everything. That place had been where Lexa had left Clarke.
"He has to die" Titus said. "Blood must have blood".
She suddenly realises this is so much more dangerous than she had first recognised. Emerson's death was not her decision to make it was Clarke's. Clarke who hated her. Who hated him.
Clarke could betray me. If Clarke chose to kill him blood must not have blood would be dead and I would have no choice but to move against the sky people. Against Clarke.
"That's not our decision. It is Clarke's." Titus nods and turns to a guard and before I can stop him orders "Bring Wanheda".
I wanted to speak to Clarke first privately. I need her to understand. But the guard has already gone and soon he will return with her. I have to trust her. Trust her to understand on her own.
Suddenly she is there but I do not notice as I have been arguing with Titus. "You sent for me Commander". Shit. She is mad.
I explain and Titus is there and with desperation I snap "She can speak for herself Titus".
I look into her eyes and try to tell her how sorry I am. "Titus is right" Clarke says and I feel as though I have been punched. Titus can barely hide his shock.
"You see it is human nature to want vengeance" he says.
I can barely contain my anger at both of them. How can Clarke be so stupid?
"I see so blood must not have blood applies only when it is my people who bleed".
I see her shock as she struggles with this moral dilemma.
"That was about stopping a war. This is about ending one". She says staring at me defiantly.
I want to hit her. I glare at her.
"I'm sorry" she says in a way which tells me she is not sorry at all "but if you want my advice he should die."
I shoot back at her with undisguised venom. " I am not looking for advice I am looking for a decision".
You don't get off that easily I think. She is shocked. I calm down a little. Clarke does not take life unless she can avoid it. I can see her conflict. I feel my... I don't know... My faith in her. My faith in Clarke.
Titus is explaining. "So what will it be Clarke" I say "banishment from my lands or death by 49 cuts by your hand. You have until sundown to decide".
I sweep past her. This day has already been too emotional. Emotion is weakness! I stride into my room and collapse into the chair Clarke had been drawing in. I reach behind me and pull out the sketch book. I flick through it. There were so many images both of her and of the life around them. Lexa looked at them fascinated. They were beautiful.
Lexa dragged her hands over her face. "I do trust you Clarke" she had said once. She needed to trust Clarke now. The person who had drawn these was not vengeful. Clarke was not vengeful. She had seen Clarke's forgiveness. She had felt it herself. "I do trust you Clarke" she whispered to no one.
Clarke stormed away from the room in which Emerson was in. She was breathing hard. He was right she did not like being in his presence. It reminded her of everything. It reminded her of the terrible thing she had done. Her mother had once told her she would have blood on her hands that she would not be able to wash off. How right she was. The death toll kept climbing and it was suffocating Clarke. Clarke stopped and tried to decide where to go. Should she go back to her room or should she go and find Lexa. She wanted her advice. But she knew what Lexa wanted. She wanted Clarke to let Emerson live.
Clarke was not an idiot. She understood all that was at risk. Can I really take his life? Can I really look into Lexa's eyes in front of everyone and say blood must have blood? Can I really betray her like that? Because it would be a betrayal. Lexa had backed her. She had turned her army away from Arkadia when she should have in the eyes of her culture killed them all. But she had listened even though she had been livid! She had seen how angry Lexa had been as she had paced her tent. That anger is now raging inside my chest. How can I do something I begged Lexa not to do?
Taking a deep breath Clarke entered her room. Titus was there and everything he said confirmed the belief Clarke had. She could not betray Lexa. Blood must not have blood.
Clarke watched as Lexa followed two guards into the room. Lexa did not look at her. As she held out the knife Lexa did not look at her. She addressed her only as Wanheda. Clarke pushed her way to the centre of the room.
She looked at the knife and said looking directly at Lexa - "no".
She sees the relief in Lexa's eyes. She had been in this room once before and seen the same relief. When Clarke had knelt before her. Wanheda bowing to her Heda. Clarke hides a smile and utters the words in their own language. "I give this man his life. Blood must not have blood".
There is an immediate rush of noise and I look at Titus for the first time and I can see he is furious. I see something flash in his eyes which I think is fear. Anger and fear mixed together. I hear Lexa's voice cut across him. I only have eyes for Emerson. Lexa is speaking and I know it is probably profound. I am so sorry I try to tell him. I am sorry for your children and for your wife.
My eyes snap back to Lexa. She is checking with me silently. Is mercy really what I want? Is forgiveness my choice? I look at her and nod almost smiling.
She then says the words she once spoke to me "you will be haunted until the end of your days."
I know what she says is true. I am still haunted by Finn, by the mountain men, by the deaths of my own people. I know how horrific it will be for him. What he will have to endure.
"May you live forever" I whisper to Emerson because although I am sorry for what I did I still hate him for what he did. But those words are revenge enough. I turn and walk away.
I pause at the entrance and look back at Lexa. I nod once to her and I see her thanks in her eyes. I hope my eyes contain the message I want her to hear "I forgive you". I will tell her soon. Not here though not now. That is a private thing to be between us. But I want her to know. I forgive her for all of it. The cycle is broken. Blood must not have blood.
It's late and I am sure that Lexa must be in her room now. I creep along the corridor. A guard is there but he doesn't try and stop me as I push open the door knocking gently.
The room is pitch black and I cannot see for a moment as my eyes adjust. The light from the corridor falls on the bed in the centre and Lexa is struggling to sit up wiping sleep out of her eyes.
"Sorry I didn't know you were asleep. The guard just let me in...sorry I'll go" I mutter feeling stupid.
" Clarke... Wait." She says. She is awake now fully alert as she asks urgently " Are you ok?". I can see the panic. I nod.
"Yes I just wanted to see you." I say.
It sounds pathetically needy but it's the truth.
"Today was hard. I didn't know you were asleep. Your guard he just let me in..." I say again trying to explain why I am in her room so late.
Lexa looks at me. " I told my guards to let you pass no matter what the hour". Lexa looks at me and says very softly "I trust you Clarke".
I feel a warmth spreading through me. She had trusted me today. She had not bullied me. She had trusted in my ability to make the right decision.
"Wait a moment" Lexa said as she turned to light a candle. "Come in and close the door."
I shiver when the door closes. I realise it is cold tonight. Lexa hears me and is out of bed so quickly I hardly see her move and she drops a cloak around my shoulders. She removes her hands quickly and I realise she is afraid.
"I am sorry" I look at her. Confusion now adds to her fear. I walk past her and I sit on the edge of her bed. "Come here".
Lexa watches as Clarke walks away from her and sits on her bed. Lexa feels her eye brows travel up her forehead. The casual way Clarke does this action is too much. Clarke acts as if her sitting on her bed is normal. But it's not normal. No one has ever so casually sat there. Well not since Costia. Lexa pushes that thought away. Clarke is chewing her lip. "Come here" she had commanded. There was no other way to describe it. Maybe Clarke was now worried she had crossed some boundary because she adds "please". Lexa swallows and walks slowly over. Does she really not know what she is doing to me? Lexa thinks. I sit next to Clarke resolutely looking anywhere but at her.
"Lexa look at me" ..."please" I feel Clarke's fingers on my chin turning me towards her. I am frozen in place and feel like I cannot breath. She dips her head underneath my gaze bringing it up to meet hers.
Clarke looks at me as she says: "Today was hard. Seeing Emerson today. It brought it all back. I realised I still blamed you. I'm sorry. I needed to accept the consequences of my actions. I did those things in Mount Weather. Me. I made that choice that drove Emerson to kill my people. I can understand it. I wanted to kill him for the same reason." She breathes slowly regaining control before continuing.
" You are special Lexa. So special. Your people were murdered by mine for no reason. Emerson at least had a reason. Yet you forgave them. I did not understand how special that was not truly not until today. Not until I was faced with Emerson. You are a leader in a way I could never be Lexa."
I look at Clarke and I see in her eyes that she really means this.
"You have had such faith in me Lexa and I didn't deserve it. I blamed you and I raged at you and I hated you. I was wrong."
"No Clarke I abandoned you. That was wrong". I state. What I feel about that day is still so complicated. Leaving Clarke was wrong but I am not so sure that if I had to make the same choice again the outcome would be any different.
Clarke shakes her head violently. "But since then you have supported me in more ways than I can count. You made yourself weak for me. You saved my people, Lexa."
Her words make me feel oddly peaceful as if something that was not quite right has now been fixed.
"Then we are even Clarke. You made the right decision today. You supported me. I always knew you would."
I assure her. I know she needs this. I feel myself sinking into a pit of emotions again. It's all I seem to do when I am with Clarke. I feel everything all the time. I jolt out of my thoughts as her hand has found mine and her thumb is stroking my thumb. All I can feel is her thumb it is at the centre of my senses.
" I forgive you Lexa for all of it." I hear Clarke whisper. I look at her and before I know it my lips are on hers. Relief and passion and something salty. I realise we are both crying. Crying with relief. The stupidity of it hits me for a moment how can I be so happy and crying at the same time? Clarke pushes me back on the bed and I don't think about anything for a very long time.
When I wake up Clarke is curled around me. I am afraid. What if she regrets last night?
"Hey" Clarke whispers.
"Hey" I whisper back.
I feel Clarke sit up and I turn around to face her. She smiles at me and I feel my breathing easing. She drops her hand almost absent mindedly to my hair and starts to play with it.
I smile back. I can hear movement outside the room and I try to block it out because I want to stay here.
Clarke smirks at me. "What?" I ask.
"I don't want to get up either" she laughs.
"Then don't" I say pulling her towards me I smile into the kiss as she kisses me back.Yes let's stay right here I think as I pull her back into bed.
