Ok, credit for this wacky little one-shot (soon to be a two-shot when I get the time...) goes to my sister and one of her best friends. Said friend either created this riddle herself or heard it somewhere, and it is complete and utter nonsense. But, somewhere along the line, the idea was presented "Hey, what if...".
Let me tell you folks, you hear a statement like that, you run for the hills! Because it will be either the single greatest or worst idea ever tendered to a writer. I couldn't get the "What if.." out of my head and spent my whole flight home from Chattanooga writing this!
So here's to Jo and Rihana! For their riddle gave birth to this story and made me sleep deprived!
ENJOY!
The Riddler pointed at the team dramatically. "Kill them! Kill them all!"
Kaldur gave a tired sigh, resting his forehead against the bars of his cage. Sitting on the floor of the small cage around him were his teammates. All had been outfitted with inhibitor collars. All looked utterly miserable and or incredibly angry and frustrated.
How had it ever come to this?
The Atlantian quietly watched the Riddler as he came near, brandishing his cane as he called for their deaths. It was supposed to be a simple mission. Break into the better than average security systems on the old building that served as the headquarters of a new gang in Gotham, hack their computers, photograph their hard copy files, get a sample of whatever it was they were making in there, then get out and report to Batman.
They had no sooner gotten into the building, than things started to go wrong. It had started when Robin started hacking the system's firewall…
Robin plugged the USB cord from his glove into the computer.
The little red Robin faces that stood in for his progress bar appeared, but rather than turning green like they usually did, his teammates were surprised to see the faces suddenly go black. Robin clicked a button on his holographic keyboard and they disappeared.
Streams of code began to scroll across his screen.
The boy wonder grinned. No go on the auto hack guys. He thought at them across the psychic link. Whoever set up these guy's firewall knew what they were doing. I'll have to hack it myself. He flexed his fingers and set to work. This shouldn't take long.
Kaldur nodded. Split up into teams. Artemis. Wally. M'Gann. Find the records room and photograph them. Zatanna. You are with me. We will find their production room and take the samples Batman requested. Conner. Remain here. Keep watch for Robin. The teens nodded, though Conner clearly wanted action, not lookout duty. Go.
They split up, each group following Robin's silent directions. The boy wonder was earning his nickname, multitasking by simultaneously hacking the gangs computer system and directing his team to their targets through the use of the building's blue prints.
Kaldur and Zatanna had reached the door in record time.
Can you unlock the door? He had asked, fairly certain she could but not wanting to assume.
Zatanna nodded, holding out her hand with the palm facing outward. "Kcolnu". She ordered softly under her breath. The door's lock opened with an audible click, and they were in.
Calm grey eyes and nervous blue eyes searched the room, eyeing the various chemicals, powders, and lab equipment. Zatanna shook her head.
How are we supposed to find what we're looking for in all of this? She wondered at Kaldur.
He gave her a reassuring smile and nodded at the tables. Seek something that appears to be a finished product. I will take this side of the room. You take the other.
The two split up, Kaldur taking the right, Zatanna taking the left.
It didn't take long. About halfway down the third table, Kaldur found a box that appeared to be what they were looking for.
It was filled to within an inch of the top with small plastic packets of white powder. He reached in and carefully fished one of the bags out. The bag had been folded over twice and stapled to keep it closed. A small sticker with the gang's logo on it had been placed over the staple to dissuade tampering.
This had to be what they were after.
Zatanna, I believe I have found it. He thought grimly. He tucked the white packet under his belt, and turned, heading for the door. Zatanna gave no answer. He paused, turning to check on her. She was still searching the left side of the room.
She hadn't heard a word he'd thought at her.
Adrenalin kicked into the Atlantian's system. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to remain calm, and tried again. Zatanna, it is time to leave. The magician gave no response. He tried once more. Team. Report status.
No response.
The psychic link was down. That meant something had happened to M'Gann. Which meant Wally and Artemis had likely been discovered as well. It was definitely time to go.
"Zatanna." He whispered as softly as he could.
The magician jumped, whipping around to look at him in surprise. He held a finger to his lips, motioning for her to come with his free hand. She hurried to his side, eyes questioning. Once she was close enough, he dropped his voice even quieter, speaking as if he were under water.
"The psychic link is disabled." He whispered. "I have the sample we require, it is time we left this place and rejoined our teammates. I fear our friends will soon be discovered."
"To late fishboy!" a voice had suddenly yelled.
A sharp stabbing pain struck his neck, and blackness had clouded his vision within seconds. He could hear Zatanna shouting a spell, fighting back, but he could see nothing and his strength was fading fast.
He swiftly passed into unconsciousness.
He awoke in a cage, an inhibitor collar around his neck and his friends gathered around him in the small steel cell.
Apparently the gang had been a front for the Riddler, and of course he couldn't allow them to carry back word of his little operation to Batman and the league. So he had summarily sentenced them to death. And that wasn't even the worst part. Riddler was holding the lives of several civilians against their good behavior.
They didn't dare fight back, for fear he'd pass the same sentence on his hostages.
Now the Riddler's henchmen were moving in with guns, and try as he might he couldn't see a way out of this for any of them, let alone the whole team, the hostages, or both. He was supposed to be the leader, the one to make sure that everyone got home safe.
Some leader. His entire team was about to be slaughtered…
"I got an idea…" Wally whispered excitedly under his breath.
Kaldur shivered. Hearing those words come out of Wally's mouth, coupled with that look was a sure sign that all manner of chaos was about to break loose at the speedster's hand. More than likely with the boy wonder's help.
But, if it bought them time…
The speedster crawled across the floor of the low ceilinged cage to the bars. Reaching through, he covered the tip of one thug's machine gun barrel with his finger. "Could you hold on a sec?" When the confused thug didn't answer, Wally looked past him to the Riddler. "Hey, Mr. Riddler, sir? I got a question."
The Riddler arched an eyebrow. "I'm listening. But only as a last request."
Wally nodded, as if this were perfectly acceptable. "Right. Of course. I've got a sort of proposition for ya." The Riddler opened his mouth to comment and Wally hurriedly plowed on ahead. "You're supposed to be a master of riddles right? I mean, there's no riddle you can't solve!"
Riddler preened a little at that.
"More or less." He agreed. Wally's ego stroking seemed to be working, putting him in a more receptive mood to hear the young hero's proposition. "What exactly are you proposing?"
Wally was careful to make himself look humble and downcast. "I'm not asking for the lives of my teammates." He clarified. "Or myself. We'd bring the league down right on top of your little operation and you can't have that. But those hostages didn't do anything. If you blindfold them and drop them off outside the city, they'd never be able to tell the police where you're located."
Riddler was becoming well and truly intrigued now. What was the young speedster getting at? "Go on…"
Wally took a deep breath, as if nervous. "Well, what I'm proposing is this. If I ask you a worthy enough riddle, would you be willing to let the hostages go? They'd be out of your hair and that's five less…bodies, you'd have to deal with once this is all over…"
There was several long moments of silence as the Riddler mulled over Kid Flash's proposition.
Everyone seemed to be holding their breath. Finally, finally, the man who had once been known as Edward Nigma seemed to come to a decision.
"Agreed." He answered at last. "If you ask a riddle worthy of my genius… I'll let the hostages go outside Gotham." Giving a delighted laugh, he turned and skipped excitedly back to his makeshift throne. It had been some time since someone had challenged him to answer a riddle! Trying to hide his eagerness, he laid his cane across his knees and leaned forward towards the Flash wannabe.
"Go on! Ask me!"
Wally shot a conspiratorial wink at Robin, disguising it as a worried look at the hostages, then turned his head back to face the Riddler. He chewed his lip for a moment in faux worry, then spoke.
"If you're paddling a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?"
Again there was a long moment of silence, as thug, hostage, and hero alike starred at the speedster as if he'd lost his mind! Surely Riddler wouldn't stand for such lunacy!
Not perturbed in the least, Riddler cupped his chin thoughtfully. "Interesting…"
Robin suddenly gave an excited exclamation. "Oh! I know what it is!"
Riddler glared at him, cold fury in his eyes. "I'll only tell you once boy wonder, and I'll gag you if I have to. Spoil the answer to this riddle, and I'll make sure a tape of your death makes it onto the evening news where everyone can see."
Robin ducked his head, as if thoroughly chastised. "…yes sir…" he murmured meekly.
Aside from Wally, anyone who knew or had met the boy wonder before now starred at him as if he'd grown a second head. Robin didn't give up! He didn't meekly curl up and accept whatever the bad guys dished out! The wise cracking bird would never say 'yes sir' to a villain and mean it!
This was surely the fifth sign of the apocalypse!
Robin turned his back to Riddler and his thugs, drawing his knees up close to his chest and resting his chin on them as if dejected. But a wide grin was on his lips, and his eyes danced behind his mask. He'd assured that Riddler was well and truly hooked. It was a matter of honor now!
Robin really didn't know the answer to the riddle, but the Riddler thought he did, and that was all that mattered. If the boy wonder- a mere lad of thirteen, could figure it out, then the Riddler didn't dare fail for fear of looking like a nincompoop!
Wally meanwhile gripped the bars pretending to be worried, as if the Riddler could find the answer at any moment and deem his riddle too easy, thus making it unworthy and dooming the five hostages.
In reality, he couldn't have been more relaxed. In fact he was having to work really hard to keep from laughing his butt off. No way was the Riddler answering this riddle!
Let the games begin…
The mentors were frantic.
It had been hours since they'd last heard from their protégés! The emergency trackers had been activated, and showed that the team was still inside the building. But the trackers were stationary, and that was what scared the mentors the most.
None of their kids were moving, and in dangerous lines of work such as theirs, not moving wasn't a good thing.
They burst into the building, ready to fight. But they weren't prepared for the bizarre sight that met their eyes!
The team were all huddled in a small steel cage with a low ceiling, inhibitor collars fastened around their necks. Stationed around them were several guards with machine guns who had apparently fallen asleep on the job. Not all that surprising, hired thugs weren't really known for their brains or stamina most of the time. Off to one side, several bound hostages could be seen sitting on the floor against the wall.
But what really made the scene bizarre was what was currently seated in the center of the room!
The Riddler looked horrible. He was slumped over in a makeshift throne, rubbing his temples obsessively. His cane was cast haphazardly to the floor at his feet amongst several wadded up pieces of yellow lined steno pad paper, with what appeared to be mathematical equations scribbled on them, and three or four broken pencils. His tie was loosened, his green suit rumpled. His skin was pale, his breathing harsh and ragged, and his eyes were wild. The Riddler's hair was in total disarray, and he was rambling to himself under his breath.
Something about canoes and pancakes…
The heroes looked at each other confused. The team had noted their arrival and now came forward to peer through the bars of their cage at them. They didn't appear overly worried. Wally slipped his hands through the bars and gave a lazy wave, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hey Flash! Got anything to eat?"
Flash darted over, searching the thugs pockets at super speed to find the keys. "You kids alright?" he asked as he unlocked the door.
"We are unharmed." Kaldur answered, motioning M'Gann through the open door ahead of him, as was polite. "It is the hostages which concern us. Riddler held them for a much longer period of time than he did us."
"We'll see to them." Black Canary answered, already moving in the direction of the hostages. "But I suggest someone tie up the thugs before they wake up."
"I am astounded that they have not stirred already." Aquaman answered, grabbing a piece of rope and doing as she suggested.
"They won't be doing any kind of stirring for a while." Artemis answered, crawling out of the cage. She turned and helped haul Zatanna out and onto her feet. "Robin and I tranqued them. The putz's never knew what hit them. They'll be out for a couple hours yet."
A quiet click drew their attention to Riddler.
Batman had fastened a pair of Bat- Cuffs around the man's wrists and was retrieving the villian's cane. Not that he seemed to notice. He went right on muttering about dog houses and wheels, looking through them as if they didn't even exist.
Green Arrow snapped his fingers in front of the Riddler's face. No response. "Man…What did you kids do to him?"
"Wally asked him a riddle." Robin answered absentmindedly, his attention absorbed in unlocking the inhibitor collar around Zatanna's neck. On a side note, he added, "Oh yeah, Batman, I managed to hack the computer systems before we were taken down. You were right, the gang was a front for something else."
Batman gave him a pointed look and gestured to the incoherent and somewhat agitated Riddler. "Obviously."
Robin shrugged, not the least bit put out by the dark knight's apparent sarcasm. "Obviously." He agreed. "But at least this way we have solid proof that the Riddler was behind this to give to the police. It'll make their job a lot easier."
Batman nodded, looking to Kaldur. "The rest of your objectives?" He asked.
Kaldur nodded, drawing the plastic baggie of white powder from its hiding place under his belt. "Zatanna and I were able to collect a sample of the product they were manufacturing here."
"And Artemis, Miss M, and I were able to photograph their hard copy records before we got busted." Wally added smugly, slinging an arm around Artemis's shoulders. The emerald archer calmly gave him a sharp jab to the ribs with her elbow, prompting a quick removal of the speedster's arm. Wincing and rubbing his abused ribs, Wally pasted a grin on his face. "All and all, stamp a big fat 'mission accomplished' on this caper and lets all go home. I'm starving!"
"Wait, wait, wait! You mean to tell me you did this to the Riddler, just by asking him a riddle?" Green Arrow exclaimed, gesturing at the incoherent villian.
Wally ginned and nodded. "Yeah! I figured if I gave him a really hard one, it would keep him distracted long enough for us to escape or you guys to get here!"
Robin nodded in agreement. "When I told him I knew the answer, he just had to solve it, or admit that a thirteen year old knew more than he did." He shrugged, casting an amused smile to Batman who was escorting the Riddler out the door to the waiting police. The dark knight had radioed them before the league had gone in, telling them to be ready. "We're gonna have to try this more often, it makes him a whole lot easier to handle! I bet he doesn't break out of Arkham for months!"
Flash folded his arms over his chest, fixing his nephew with an amused smile. "Ok. What's this master riddle of yours that stumped the self proclaimed 'King of Conundrums'?"
Wally grinned. "If you're paddling a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a dog house?"
Absolute silence fell.
The league members starred at him, silently wondering when he had gone insane, how they hadn't noticed, and more importantly... how on earth they were going to get a speedster into a straight jacket.
"That is a legitimate riddle?" Martian Manhunter asked.
Wally laughed and nodded. "Yeah, it's a real riddle. My friend Rihana told it to me years ago. I figured if there was one riddle I could ask that he wouldn't be able to solve right off the bat, it would be that one!"
Green Arrow gave Robin a doubtful look. "And you said you know the answer to that?"
Robin snorted. "No. I just said I did to get Riddler's goat! I have absolutely no idea what the actual answer is."
"The answer is simple…"
All eyes turned to the dark knight, who was standing near the door with the Riddler, the man in the emerald suit still muttering to himself with his eyes downcast to the floor.
The dark knight covered his prisoner's ears with his hands to ensure he didn't hear the answer and come out of whatever mental state he was in.
"The answer," he said. "Is 'none, because ice cream has no bones."
From the way Wally's jaw hit the floor, it was clear the dark knight had given the correct answer. Without another word or backwards glance, Batman calmly turned and guided Riddler from the room. But as he walked down the hall, he couldn't keep a small smile from touching his lips at the memory of their stunned faces.
That small smile only grew when the Flash's voice bounced down the hall after him.
"Ok, if the Batman's flipped his scary, pointy eared wig it is officially time to retire because I am not going to be the one to try and put that man in a straight jacket…!"
Rofl, I had a blast writing this! There will be a part two of sorts coming sooner or later once I whittle down the list of stories I'm currently working on. But for now, hope this tickled your funny bone! And Rihana and Josie, if you ever read this, I hope your proud of what you have wrought!
Review!
Until next time...
