Toshiya stared jealously at Die and his new girlfriend, leaning against each other, trying to speak with each other. Her name was Sarah and she was a foreigner Die had met two weeks earlier, and unfortunately she spoke barely any Japanese and Die wasn't exactly fluent in English. Most of the time Toshiya would sit there in amusement and watch them try to communicate with hand gestures and mispronounced words in both languages, but this time Toshiya found no amusement in watching the two—all he felt was jealously.
They sat in the two
private rooms in the back of the bar they frequented. Kaoru, Shinya
and Kyo were in the other room while he was stuck with Die and Sarah.
Thinking about Kyo and Shinya frustrated him, even though it was
wonderful that they were together, Toshiya had always wanted to be
with Die and seeing two people so different come together as they
did, it made Toshiya wonder why he and Die couldn't be with each
other.
He didn't know how long he felt this way about Die, but
he, at a point, had realized it would never happened, no matter how
much he wished it to be true, he knew that Die would never love him
anymore than a friend. After realizing such Toshiya forced himself to
avoid thinking about Die and forget about his feelings and move on,
and he had almost done such until they had found out about Kyo and
Shinya, and the fact that they had were seeing each other only filled
Toshiya with hope—probably false hopes, but hopes nonetheless.
Die leaned over and kissed Sarah on the cheek. Toshiya bit his lower lip and forced himself to look away for a moment, his heart hurting as he saw the display before him. Every time he saw Die get close with the American girl it felt as though his heart were being ripped in two. He sighed, hating his feelings, hating himself for feeling the way he did about another man.
"Hey," Kaoru said as he walked around one of the couches and sat down next to Toshiya, carrying a beer with him. He took a long drink from it and set it down on the glass table before them.
"I thought you were with Kyo and Shinya," Toshiya said, forcing himself to pull his eyes away from Die and Sarah.
"I was, but then they started kissing and making-out and I'm still trying to get over the fact they're gay, you'd think that they'd have a little more common courtesy," Kaoru cringed just thinking about Kyo and Shinya together.
"They've been together for a month now, don't you think you've had more than enough time to accept it?" Toshiya laughed.
"I accept it, its
just a little strange and all, you know…to think about our friends
dating each other and doing god knows what when they're alone,"
Kaoru cringed again.
"Kaoru, are you saying you're imagining
them having sex with each other?"
Kaoru gave him a horrified look, which was what Toshiya was going for. "God no! I'm just saying, it's a little hard to get used to," he said. "Besides, I don't even know how two guys…well…"
Toshiya burst out into giggles. "Aw, Kaoru, did your parents never teach you about the birds and the bees?"
Kaoru hit him playfully. "Of course they did, but we're talking about the bees…and the bees? Not many parents talk about that," he laughed.
"Well then, Mommy Toshiya is going to teach Kaoru about the bees and the bees," he laughed.
"Please don't," Kaoru laughed again.
Toshiya leaned over and began explaining it to Kaoru in his ear. Before he even finished Kaoru pulled away, grabbed his beer and stood up. "I think I'm going home now," he said, looking somewhat disgusted. "Tell everyone practice is at nine tomorrow."
"What? You take us out drinking and then we're going to have practice?" Die groaned, having picked up on the conversation. "That's just unfair."
"We haven't had practice in nearly two months—
"For good reason! Kyo and Shinya had to deal with the American man and they really couldn't be doing anything strenuous because of their stitches," Toshiya said.
"Kyo and Shinya are better and that American is dead, practice is tomorrow, no excuses," Kaoru said and walked away before Toshiya or Die could respond.
"I guess he still doesn't like the whole gay thing," Die said as Toshiya stood up.
"I still don't like Americans, things like that are hard to change" Toshiya mumbled as he walked past Die and Sarah to go tell Shinya and Kyo what Kaoru said.
Die got up and spun Toshiya around, looking agitated. "What the hell? Ever since I started dating her you haven't exactly been yourself," he said.
"It's not like she can understand what I said!"
"That's not the point. What do you have against her?" Die demanded.
"Do you even have to ask?" Toshiya asked incredulously.
"Don't give me that. Just because that damn man nearly killed Kyo and Shinya doesn't give you an excuse to go around hating all the Americans; she not like him!"
"And how do you know that? How do you know she's not another anti-Japanese racist out to kill us?" he asked. "Don't you think it to be a little odd that only two weeks after our conflicts with that man were solved another American just magically pops into our lives, claiming to be a fan of our music? Die, we don't exactly get tons of Americans coming to Japan all the time to see us."
Die let out a frustrated sigh. "Toshiya, listen to me, it was one guy, so don't go off thinking that every damn American we meet is going to try and kill us. Shinya and Kyo have no problem what so ever with me seeing Sarah, and both of them had to deal with that hit man. So what is your god damn deal with her?"
"You've been dating her for two weeks Die and you know nothing about her, for all we know she could be out to kill us," Toshiya sighed and started to walk towards the other room. He didn't care if Sarah understood him or not, he didn't trust her; he knew there was something about her that he couldn't trust.
He felt awkward, having yelled at Die over his suspicions, it's just knowing he could never be with Die upset him, and then seeing with a girl only hurt him more. He shook his head, not wanting to think about it. He opened the door to the other room and his jaw dropped at the sight of Kyo on top of Shinya, their shirts off and kissing fiercely, Kyo trying to work Shinya's pants off at the same time. Toshiya burst out into laughter and Kyo looked up. "God dammit Toshiya, that's the sixth fucking time!" Toshiya rushed out and slammed the door behind him.
"Maybe you shouldn't do that in public places!" Toshiya laughed.
"Fuck you!" Kyo yelled, opening the door while putting his shirt back on. "What the fuck? You keep walking in on us!"
"Kyo, relax, it was an accident," Shinya said, putting his hand on Kyo's shoulder. His face was bright red with embarrassment and he bowed his head slightly, hoping his bangs would cover his face.
"Six times? The same accident six time? I doubt it, I think he just wants to watch," Kyo growled.
"Oh yeah, you know it," Toshiya said sarcastically rolling his eyes. "I only came here to tell you Kaoru scheduled practice for tomorrow at nine A.M., think you guys are ready to go back to work?"
"What the fuck? There is no way I am going to wake up at nine in the fucking morning," the singer growled.
"Come on Kyo, if we're going to be waking up early we should go home now," Shinya said.
"Are you still staying with Kyo, Shinya?" Toshiya asked curiously with a raised eyebrow and a slight smirk.
"Yeah…I might move in with him," Shinya blushed even more.
"That's so sweet!" Toshiya said with a big grin. "Anyway, wake Kyo's little ass up tomorrow."
"You making fun of my height, horse-teeth?" the singer asked in an agitated tone.
"No, I'm making fun of your ass. Remember, we all got a clear view of it not too long ago—"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Pasty white chubby little cheeks," Toshiya burst out laughing. Shinya pulled on Kyo's arm, beckoning him to follow him and go home. With a sigh Kyo followed Shinya.
"Remember, stay up all night with Shin-chan doesn't give you the excuse to miss practice!" Toshiya laughed as Kyo stuck up the middle finger at him. He walked back over to the area where Die and Sarah were to grab his coat, but he paused for a moment before grabbing the coat, seeing Die and Sarah kissing passionately. He winced a little, wishing he were there instead of that girl.
Sighing and heart broken, he turned away from Die and Sarah and left the bar, feeling if he stayed there any longer and witnessed Die with someone other than he, that his heart would break in two.
Kyo knocked on the bathroom door. "Shinya, I need to use the bathroom. Get your skinny ass out of there!" he shouted.
"Gimme a minute, I need to brush my teeth," Shinya said, turning on the faucet. He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment, smiling to himself. All his bruises were gone and most of the marks left from the Seth's attack had faded away. Things were finally back to normal and both he and Kyo had been so happy. Only a few days before had Kyo asked Shinya to move in with him, and of course he had been overjoyed and felt that is was time that he move in. And his dogs had grown attached to Kyo, they followed him around the house whenever Shinya wasn't around.
He sighed happily and grabbed his toothbrush while reaching for the toothpaste with the other hand. He looked down when he didn't feel it and looked around on the counter for toothpaste but found none. "Kyo, did you use all my toothpaste?" Shinya called out.
"Sorry!" Kyo yelled.
"How on earth did
you do that? It was almost full yesterday!" Shinya said
incredulously.
"I accidentally stepped on it," Kyo said.
Shinya sighed and pulled open the medicine cabinet, but as he did little bottles and a small plastic box spilled out, one of the bottles shattering in the sink. Shinya reached down in the sink to grab one of the shattered pieces of glass but again Kyo knocked on the door and jumped, his finger jamming into the broken glass. "Hold on, Kyo!" he called out.
"I gotta piss!" Kyo complained.
Shinya rolled his eyes and looked at the little box that fell out, a small first aid kit. He opened it and saw two Band-Aids at the top. He grabbed one and unwrapped it, wrapping it gently around the slit in his finger. He looked down at the little kit and something shiny caught his eye. He moved the other Band-Aid out of the way and stared at the three shining objects, covered in a brownish red substance that was dried on. He reached down and picked it up, staring at it for a moment, unsure of what to do.
His mind raced, why would Kyo have razors in his bathroom? Why did they look like they were covered in blood? Shinya gulped, trying to avoid the only conclusion that came to mind; was Kyo a—?
"Shinya, what the fuck are you doing in there? Taking a bath in the fucking sink? I gotta piss!"
"Just a minute," Shinya said, his voice cracking nervously. He put the razor back in the little box and put it back in the box and grabbed the fallen bottles and quickly shoved them back in the medicine cabinet. He picked up the glass quickly yet nimbly and threw them in the trashcan and rushed to the door. He smiled at Kyo and tried to look unbothered by his discovery. He leaned down and kissed Kyo. "I'm sorry for taking so long. I'm going to bed now, and remember, we have practice tomorrow so don't stay up too late."
As Shinya walked past Kyo, the little singer spun his around kissed him. "I think I'll come to bed to," he said with a grin.
"I thought you had to use the bathroom," Shinya said, not exactly picking up on Kyo's hint.
"Not anymore," Kyo leaned forward and kissed him again. Shinya felt Kyo's hand tugging at his shirt, the other hand up his shirt and stroking his chest. "Let's go to bed, Shinya."
"Gladly," Shinya smiled and they stumbled into the room together.
Die kissed Sarah gently at first, but then the kissed became more passionate and he peeked his eyes open for a minute, noticing something strange about her. Her eyes…they changed. Die pulled away and stared at her face in shock—not even her face…it was Toshiya's face. He rubbed his eyes and looked at Sarah again, sighing with relief when he face returned to normal.
"What's wrong?" she asked slowly.
"We've been dating for two weeks, I think we're moving too fast," he said, trying to shake the image from his head. "I think I need to go home, I have practice tomorrow. I'll call you."
He got up and rushed out before Sarah could say anything to him. He went out to his car and got in and slammed his hands on the steering wheel. It happened again, he imagined Toshiya instead of the real person before him. It had happened so often over the past year Die felt like he had been betraying Toshiya by thinking of him in such ways. He had forced away the feelings by no longer dating, but he felt that after a month of no longer seeing the bass player in others he could finally begin dating again. And then it happened again and again since he had been with Sarah.
He didn't want to feel the way he did for Toshiya. It felt wrong, almost sickening to be thinking such about a man who had been his friend for so long the way he was. He just didn't feel right, and as much as he hated to admit it, every time he saw Toshiya he dreamed of being with him. But he knew it wasn't right, he knew he couldn't be with another man, especially Toshiya. It had worked out for Kyo and Shinya only because they stuck by each others sides to get through the what they were forced to face; its what drew them to each other. He knew he would never have anything like that to bring he and Toshiya together.
Die started up his car and drove off into the night, wishing what he knew wasn't true. He wanted to be with Toshiya, but he knew he could never be with him, that's just not how life worked.
