Kurt was unhappy, so so unhappy. But more than that, he was just tired. So tired of it all. He was so tired of pretending to be fine, pretending that nothing ever touched him. He was tired of letting people think that every time someone called him a fag it rolled right off his back, rather than letting them know the truth; that every time someone called him that, or scrawled it on his locker, or threw him in a dumpster, or tossed a slushy over him, or shoved him against a locker, or beat him around, it hurt him, and it was only through so much practice that he never once let them think it got to him. Because he'd always thought that would be them winning. If they thought they couldn't break him, maybe they'd stop trying. But the truth was, they'd broken him a long time ago, he just had kept it all so bottled up inside he was scared he'd explode if anybody pushed him one more inch. Recently he'd sit in Glee club, and he'd be sitting so tight into himself, his legs pulled up, arms around himself, because he couldn't communicate with anyone anymore. Not even Mercedes, his best friend. He was pushing her away, and he was hurting her, he knew. He felt horrible about it, and he missed her everyday, but it was like there was a wall between him and every person, whether he loved or hated them. He didn't have the faintest clue of how to climb that wall. He was in a fog of depression so thick sometimes he could barely breath (though maybe that was because Karofsky had such shoved him hard into a locker and he was trying not to let even one tear escape so hard) and he didn't know how to escape.
Until now.
He felt awful about it. But his Dad was getting better from his heart attack, and anyway he had Carole and Finn now. Carole seemed to be helping Burt get over his dead wife, and Kurt knew how much Burt loved Finn's company, so he probably wouldn't miss Kurt all that much, sure he'd be upset for a bit, but Kurt knew his dad would rather be with Finn; he was the son he'd always wanted. His father had never said that, but Kurt knew it was true.
Mercedes wouldn't miss him. He'd been a horrible friend to her recently, she had Tina and Quinn and everyone, he wasn't a big part of her life anymore.
The rest of Glee? Yeah like they'd miss him so much. They had each other. He wasn't an important part of that club anymore, they didn't need him. Mr Schuester especially would probably be glad. He didn't even have to pretend to ignore Kurt's bullying anymore.
Kurt picked Tuesday because he knew his Dad worked late on a Tuesday, and Finn and his mum had gone to visit Carole's brother across town, and they wouldn't be back till late. He didn't want any disturbance. It was just him.
He put his bag down by the front door, and walked down to his basement bedroom, everything neat and tidy. Then he wrote three letters.
Dad,
I love you. This is not to do with you. You've been the best dad I could ever have wanted. Since I was 8 you've been two parents to me, and I love you so much for it, and I'll never let you be alone, I'll be watching you, me and Mom, we'll be taking care of you together now.
I wish I didn't have to do this, but everything has gotten to me too much. I'll always be gay. My life will always be like this. Everywhere I go people will be wanting to beat me up, or burn me alive because I want to hold hands with a man I love. I know you thought I was strong enough to deal with it. I thought so too. But I'm not, and I'm sorry I wasn't.
Please, have the best life ever. Make sure Carole and Finn look after you. Look after them.
I'm sorry, forgive me. I love you.
Kurt xxx
Mercedes,
The first thing I need to say is sorry; a million times. I'm sorry for abandoning you recently, you're the best friend I've ever had, and I shouldn't have been pushing you away. But the truth is, the bullying, the abuse, it's worn me down way too much now, I've reached the point I never thought I'd reach. But I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think you could go on without me. You can. I'm a shit friend, you don't need me. You're one of the most talented people I've ever met, Mercedes. I can't wait to see you take that talent all the way across the world, because you will. In a few years millions of people will have your songs on their ipod. I'm sorry I'm weak. I'm sorry I've done this. But they got to me. Look after the rest of Glee. And your mum. And my dad, every so often, if that's ok.
Sorry one more time, my girl. I love you.
Kurt xxx
Dear Rachel, Finn, Tina, Artie, Mercedes, Sam, Noah, Quinn, Brittany, Santana, Mike and Mr Schu,
What a mouthful. I didn't realise how many of us there were. I need to thank you guys. So much. Because you've made the last two years bearable. You've all been there for me when all I wanted to do was cry. It's always been great. But now it's not enough. It's not your fault, any of you. It's me! I'm weak, and I can't go on with this bullying. I've tried to change myself, I've tried to change them. It won't work. I'm gay and I'm never going to be accepted. None of you will miss me, you don't need me, cause every single one of you are so strong. I wish I could be as strong as all of you. Just a few things; Tina and Artie, for God's sake sort it out, you belong together. Mercedes, I left you another letter, my lovely. Rachel, I pretended to hate you, but you changed my life. Go and be a star, I know you will be. Finn, the best brother. And before you start worrying about it, I forgive you for that day, a million times over, so don't fret. Noah, yes I am using your name, I can see your face now, all angry. Keep going, keep strong, ok. Don't go back to Puck, throwing kids in dumpsters. You're better than that. Quinn, your like the sister I never had. You're beautiful and strong, and never change one thing about yourself. Brittany, baby keep strong, and Santana, look after her. Look after each other. Sam, thanks for being a gentleman always. Mike, keep the pop and lock going. I'll miss you. I'll miss you all. Mr Schu, you are glee club, like we said, it's true. You're our rock, you have been for two years. Keep this Glee club going, for me. And for God's sake win nationals! For me. I'm sorry again. Your lives will be better after this. I swear. New Directions, always.
Kurt xxx
After Kurt had written the letters he walked upstairs, and placed them carefully on the kitchen table. Then he walked back down the stairs, slowly, holding a bottle of his father's whisky, and a packet of strong painkillers. He didn't feel scared, he finally felt like he was doing something about the shambles of his life. He sat down on his bed, taking a couple of swigs of whisky, then he popped all the pills out of their packet, and shoved them in his mouth. After a couple more swigs of whisky, the pills were gone. He drunk a bit more, and then closed his eyes. He began to feel drowsy, and he knew he would not wake up. He lay down peacefully.
