Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters; they all belong to J.K Rowling.

Chapter 1: Irregular Oreos

Dear Diary Evening

I have no idea why I am writing in this muggle book. I guess I just wanted to make that cheapo Lucius happy by writing in the crap he gave me for my birthday. In my mind I screamed out; Gee nice one Lucius, you have a mansion but all I got was a tacky book that still has the sticker price marked on it. Almost broke a fiver there. Almost. I know he goes to the reject store or second hand shop. Once I asked him to buy me a new robe and what I got was this hacked up piece of cloth that smelt like vomit.

Not as bad as Wormtail, though. When I announced that it was my birthday I saw him fart in fear because he had no idea that he was meant to give me a present. And once he cut the cheese, Pettigrew started whistling to cover up the smell and pulled out a dirty sock with a hug. He pulled his body near mine for a "huggie" and I gave him one of the unforgivable curses, no, I didn't kill him I just tortured the fat rat's ass.

That chick Bellatrix, WTF does she want from me! I mean seriously! She started crying tears of happiness when I said her information was "acceptable".

And that freak Snape. Yeah, sure he gives great information. And, yeah, he has helped me… A LOT! But I hear he cuts himself and has a shrine to Lily Potter. I have seen him lurking around the place saying, "Oh why Lily, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!" Then come the tears. He needs to get laid, BIG TIME! Maybe with Bellatrix…..hmm I wonder how that would turn out.

Crabbe and Goyle just hit each-other on the head and laugh. The rest of the death-eaters just watch pro-wrestling on a muggle box or/and be obscene. Gee, smart lot I've got. I can almost taste the sarcasm.

Dear Diary Morning

I awoke this morning to find a paper bag on my bed stand. I got up and checked what was inside of it. Some arse bag had bought me irregular Oreos! Wow! Not full normal Oreos, but misshapen pieces of god-knows-what! When I reached in there were these deformed pieces of 'chocolaty goodness'.

There was: Inside out Oreos, Crumpled cookies, Oreos with no cream, some had bite marks and the rest were shaped at extremely odd angles. I found one that looked like an abstract phoenix. HAS THE WHOLE F**KING WORLD GONE CRAZY!? My eyes fell upon one that didn't look so bad but when I opened it the damn thing smelt like crap and there was a friggin bandage in it! I needed someone to vent my anger out on so I called out for Wormy.

Evening

I was watching something on the Muggle-box, just flicking through channels where I saw a show's theme song. Judging by its corniness I guessed that it was a comedy/ parody of some sort but as the show started several things happened I watched the 'starting flashbacks' someone called Bill had amnesia, Travis and Claire were having a child but Claire was going to die if she had the baby, Kate was having an affair, Chuck was going to propose, Charlie was going to the hospital due to a heart attack and so and so was going to propose to Marsha.

Can you honestly blame me for watching? I only wanted to find out if Claire was going to give up the child and live. But something magical happened. I think someone had put an imperius curse upon my eyes because I could not stop watching, an hour later for the first time in my life I cried. And in my state of vulnerability and weakness I pulled out an Irregular Oreo and ate it, after experiencing a nasty burning sensation followed by a horrible nauseating wave rolling slowly over me, then a black rash I yelled out AVADA KADAVERA! It just stayed there still as ever… I think I may be going insane.

Voldie Out