Disclaimer: Nothin' in this bloody fanfic is mine save the characters that are most obviously of my making. My sincerest apologies to J.K. Rowling, since in this fanfic, I am forcing her lovely and developed characters to do naught, kinky, dirty, head-in-the-bloody-gutter, things.
Special thanks: Tiffy, who not only beta read all of this, but helped me figure out how to upload things on this website. I am sooooo stupid when it comes to playing around with computers. Much love, Tif. To Micky, who had only read one fanfic before and said that it was…odd. Well, Micky, honestly, mine probably isn't much better. Thanks for plowing through it for me! And lastly to James on You helped me more than you could ever imagine. Thanks for your support of 'ladylindselot'.
A/N: If you hate kinky things, cussing things, and horny things, I advise you to turn around and read a slightly more rated G fanfic. No flames, pweese. Pwetty, pweese with a cherry on top.
Chapter One
In Which Many Ends Meet
By LadyLindselot
Artemisia Engledew waited on the platform nine and three quarters for her best friend Lily Evans to pop out of the barrier. Her twin brother Apollo was already on the train with his friends. She looked down at her muggle watch and sighed dramatically. 'It's five minutes to and she isn't here yet. I hope Potter or Black have nothing to do with it.' She thought grimly to herself. At ten fifty-seven Lily Evans walked gracefully out the 'solid' brick wall humming to herself.
"OY! Lily! Think you could move any slower than that?" She yelled over the heads of Hogwarts students that were now boarding the train.
"Sorry, Missy, but did you realize that as you walk through that barrier it's the last time? It's our seventh year." She gave her trunk to the porter as she approached her friend.
"Never knew that you were one to get sentimental. Are you sick?" She placed a hand on Lily's freckled forehead. "How can I be sure that you're the real Lillian Evans?" She added suspiciously, narrowing her eyes."
Lily playfully pushed Artemisia's cool hand off and laughed. "It's suspiciously quiet, did you know that? Or is it just me? Where is Pothead and… ARGH!"
Both girls became completely soaked as water balloons rained down on them. The sound of evil cackling laughter filled the platform. Lily and Artemisia whirled around to face the train where the laughter was coming from.
Water dripping into their eyes they made out the form of two seventeen year old boys hanging out the compartment window with their wands up. Two dark haired, seventeen year old boys…
"POTTER! BLACK!" Sputtered Artemisia she drew her wand out of her jean pocket. But Lily got there first. She whipped out her wand.
"Impedimenta!"
Light blossomed out and smoke billowed around the train mingling with the exhaust. The screen blew away and unveiled a disheveled, messy haired boy. His glasses were askew, his hair was scorched and his face was masked with ash. He grinned roguishly at Lily and winked.
"I just want you to know that I love you, too Evans!"
"SHOVE IT, POTHEAD! I DO NOT LOVE YOU!
The boy next to Potter was laughing. "Way to go, Prongs, my mate. A regular lady's man!" He slapped him on the back heartily. "I wonder if they know what the balloons are made of."
"Winguardium Leviosa!"
"ARGH! BLOODY HELL!"
"CONDOMS? CONDOMS! GET YOUR BLOODY HEADS OUT OF THE BLOODY GUTTER, WILL YOU?" Screeched Artemisia as the condom-water-balloons slapped him in the face.
By now the parents on the platform were looking back and forth from Artemisia and Lily to Potter and Black frowns creasing their faces. Curious students poked their heads out of windows or peered behind them, snickering or whispering to their neighbors.
The Hogwarts Express let out a mighty blast that sent a cough of smoke into the air. "All aboard!" Yelled Black as Lily and Artemisia scrambled onto the train.
Both girls were flushed from anger and panting as they slid the compartment door shut. They both plopped down across from each other in silence.
"Nice hex to Potter's face, Head Girl." Artemisia said when she finally caught her breath. Her eyes flickered down to the shining badge that glinted against the other girl's wet clothes. "Say, shouldn't you be in the Prefects compartment right now?"
Lily caught her breath and her eyes grew wide. "Oh. Oh! Yes, I should. Thanks, Missy, I'll meet you back here in a bit." She was half way through the sliding door when she turned around and looked at her best friend as though having a second thought and muttered something and waved her wand before turning on her heel and walk down the corridor. Artemisia was instantly dry.
"Thanks, Lil!" She called as the Head Girl disappeared.
"I must say," Sirius Black said with a cocky grin. "They look nice in wet clothes. Do you think we could get them wet again…? What do you say, mates?" He looked around at his companions.
Remus Lupin or Moony, was reading through Muggles and the Simians: A Timeline Through the Ages with a raised eyebrows. His wolfish amber eyes weren't moving across the page but looking up at him and his equally amber brown hair was shaggy and fell into his eyes. Sirius had the feeling that his eyebrows were not raised because of the book but because of what he had just said.
"Oh, stop playing innocent, goody two shoes, Moony. Even you should think that Evans and Engledew looked rather nice with their clothes sticking to them like a second skin and…"
"Sod off, Padfoot." Remus said with a smile. "But I wonder who you think looked the best?"
Sirius had a look of fake bewilderment on his face, his dark eyes shining and his elegant dark hair dripping into his school robes. "Blimey, Moony I do believe we've rubbed off on you. Did you here that Prongs?"
James Potter or Prongs was fingering his unruly, and now partially scorched, black hair that spiked out in every direction. His blue with gold-flecked eyes twinkled mischievously. "About time you got that testosterone shot, eh, Moony? But if you're asking who I fancy, I'd say Evans has my vote."
"Fellow marauders, I believe we should alert Witch Weekly about this break through on the get-Lily-Evans-to-snog- James-Potter-so-the-rest-of-us-that-sleep-in-his-dormitory-don't-have-to-go-to-sleep-hearing-'Oh-Lily'-or-'yeah-baby' front." James gave Sirius a halfhearted punch. "What say you, Mr. Wormtail? Who is the hottest of them all? The voluptuous Artemisia Engledew or the release-causing Lily Evans?"
Peter Pettigrew or Wormtail's watery eyes grew wide. "I'd take either, any day any night, any time." He licked his lips. "They both look like they could give you a run for your galleons, eh, Moony?"
Remus now had put away his book and was looking at them with a thoughtful look. "You know, Padfoot, I think Engledew was right in thinking that you need to get your head out of the gutter. But I think that Engledew has turned into a little vixen over the summer." All the marauders turned to gape at him in bewilderment. Remus simply shrugged. "What? Can't I think someone is good enough to snog? I mean have you seen her assets?" He looked out of the window with a strange half smile on his face.
"Wow." James broke the silence.
"I knew that we rubbed off on him but I had no idea how much." Sirius said with an impressed look on his face.
Peter didn't say anything he just stared.
"Anyone up for a game of exploding snaps?" Sirius asked cheerfully.
"Yeah, I'm game."
Lily pushed the Prefect's compartment door open to see that all the house prefects were sitting there chattering to one another. When she walked in the compartment suddenly went silent.
For the first time Lily didn't know what to say. There was no doubt in her mind that they were talking about the happenings on the platform before she came and she didn't know how to cover it up well. So she thought of the first thing that came to her mind.
"Um, has the Head Boy showed up at all?"
The question was greeted by silence until the Slytherin Prefect Severus Snape drawled out an answer.
"No, Evans, but maybe you should go hunt him down." This caused the other Slytherin prefect to snigger behind her hand and the rest of the compartment to duck their heads.
Lily sighed. "I'll do that, I guess. Um, in case you don't know who I am my name is Lily Evans and I am the Head Girl this year. Your first assignment is to patrol the corridor in pairs until we get to Hogsmeade. Um, dismissed."
Truth be told she had known idea who the Head Boy was. The letter she got from Hogwarts didn't say but she had an idea on who it could be. Her educated guess would be Remus Lupin who was in her own house, Gryfindor or Daniel Redsteim who was a prefect last year in Ravenclaw.
Lily strolled importantly through the corridor peeking into the compartment to ask for the Head Boy until she came into one that was filled with Ravenclaw boys.
"…Did you see Potter's face when she blasted him?"
"…That Gryfindor seeker, Artemisia, is her name? She looks good wet…"
"…I thought Evans looked better. My dad it has something to do with redheads…"
Ahem.
Lily cleared her throat loudly and flushed at the comments she had walked into. "Um, is Daniel Redsteim in here?" She asked.
"Yeah, here Lily." A boy with sandy blonde hair and slate gray eyes stood up from the seat by the window. He strode over and shook her hand. Like Artemisia, his eyes shifted to the Head Girl Pin on her blouse. "Congratulations on being Head." He released her hand politely.
"Thanks." She looked at his clothes. He was already in his school robes. There wasn't a badge on his person anywhere. "I thought for sure that you would be Head Boy this year. Any idea on who it is? He didn't show up for the meeting and I really need to talk to him."
Daniel looked thoughtful for a moment. "If I was to stake my galleons on someone I'd say Remus Lupin. He's in the compartment over."
Lily nodded appreciating his help. "Thanks I'll see you at the Welcoming Feast." She slipped out the door and slid it shut behind her.
She sidestepped in front of the next door. She could hear voices conversing loudly within with an assortment of explosions. Not able to help herself she leaned into the glass pane to listen.
"Jamie Boy, don't you think that you should be with the Prefects now putting fear into their little unsuspecting hearts?" Sirius leered at him from under singed eyebrows.
"Yeah, or at least spending some 'quality' time with the Head Girl!" chimed Peter. "Imagine what it would be like if Lily Love was the Head Girl, you would have a field day, Prongs!"
James stretched out his long legs clasped his hands behind his head and leaned back. "It would make for an interesting year, Wormtail, my friend." He said licking his lips. James glanced over at Remus. "Remus, help a brother out. Tell me, you're a helpless romantic, how should I get Evans to fall madly in love with me?"
Remus through up his hands. "I'm not the lady's man, here, James. Sirius is." He jabbed a thumb over at Sirius who stood up and took a mock bow, smiling.
"Yeah, but Sirius is horny. Evans doesn't seem to like horny people."
"Well, James, if you ask me, I'd say that non-horny people are horny people who don't get caught. But to help your case I would start by not calling her Evans but by her real name. Lily. Lily, do you remember that name?"
James flashed Remus a winning smile. "Yeah, Lily, sounds like a nice stripper name, don't you think? Seductive but innocent. Hmmm, sounds a lot like…"
But James was interrupted by a loud bang that felt like shook that whole train. The compartment door slid open with a powerful whoosh revealing a fuming Lily Evans her face livid and her eyes shooting sparks.
Lily leaned into the pane of glass.
"…Putting fear in their little unsuspecting hearts?" That had to be Black. That was his voice that sounded like velvet with a mischievous undercurrent that made half of the Hogwarts girls melt.
"…Quality time with the Head Girl…" Peter, had to be. High pitched, very much like a mouse squeak. WHAT! Part of her mind screamed. "Do they mean me? If they knew that I was Head Girl would they say the same things that they are saying now? The other half of her mind was saying Damn Potter and that arrogant toe rag, Black. Damn Peter and his girly, squeaky voice.
"…Non-horny people are horny people who don't get caught…" That was Remus, but that couldn't be Remus. He was Head Boy! Remus would never say that anyhow, that was so out of character!
"…Lily sounds like a nice stripper name…" Potter! Her mind screamed. She could feel the heat rush to her face. She had to cover her mouth with her hand so she wouldn't yell the stream of curses that ran unchecked in her mind.
"…Seductive but innocent…" ARGH! I'll show you seductive but innocent! Lily whipped out her wand and through gritted teeth hissed "Alohomora" at the lock that clicked open and then grabbed the handle and thrust it back to reveal the four boys, their mouths open in an undignified way as they looked upon a wrathful looking Lily.
