Note: I have no words for how much I loved Thursday's episode.
Disclaimer: I don't own them
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All he can do is move forward.
He knows he can't go back. The last time he tried – shoved his battered heart in a box and tried to go back to "just partners" - it ended with him in a war zone.
When she asks, suggests that they forget his ill-fated proposal and pretend that they're OK, it hits him – once again, the woman he loves doesn't want a life with him.
You'd think he'd have learned by now.
He leans against the rail, wondering how things went so very wrong, wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and hide.
He stands there even after she walks away, watching the ripples that are the only thing left of the money he gave a piece of his soul for. When he realizes he's perilously close to tears, it makes him angry. Furious, really.
The anger gives him the energy to move. By the time it wears off, he's walking through the door of the Founding Fathers.
Alcoholism was as much a part of his family tradition as military service, but he'd always sworn he'd be different. He'd have the occasional drink, but he wouldn't let it control him.
Right now, he'd be happy to give alcohol control of his life if it would just take the pain away.
By the third drink, he realizes that four hours ago he thought he loved Hannah enough to marry her. Now, he's not sure he loved her at all. How had he missed that they wanted different things?
If he didn't see that, what else did he overlook?
He might be drunk, but he's no so drunk that he can't recognize the footsteps of his partner as she walks up to him.
Of course Hannah called her.
He tells her he's over it as she stares at him with those eyes that see both too much and not enough.
He's usually the one to tell her what to say in these situations, and tonight that suits him just fine. He needs to take control of his life.
He tells her what he wants – their partnership, her beside him as he drinks until he can't feel the pain anymore, small talk, chit chat – and he gives her a choice. She can agree, accept what he can give her, or she can leave.
He hopes she isn't going to leave.
When she takes the drink and settles in beside him, the flood of relief he feels worries him. He's spent a year pulling away from her. He can't go back to the way things were before he took the gamble of his life.
He can't fall in love with her again. Assuming, of course, that he ever stopped loving her.
That's a problem for another day, though. Tonight, he just needs to drink until it doesn't hurt when he breathes.
By the time he stumbles to the cab, declining her offer to come with him to make sure he gets home, he's feeling no pain. Even the fleeting glimpse of hurt that passes over her face when he turns her down isn't enough to make him reconsider.
He's tired of being rejected. Tonight, it's her turn.
When he opens the door to his apartment, it feels empty. It's not like there's anything obviously missing – Hannah travels light – but it doesn't feel like home anymore.
Maybe he should have let Bones come home with him. At least that way, he wouldn't have to face the emptiness alone.
He can't face the bedroom so he collapses onto the couch. It's not a good plan – the morning sun wakes him up far too early. The pounding in his head tells him it's going to be a long day.
He downs some painkillers and a glass of water and walks towards the bathroom.
Her towels are still on the towel rack. Just like that, the anger returns. Ten minutes later, the washing machine is full of sheets and towels and he is stepping into a hot shower.
By the time the water runs cold, his headache is a bit better. He shaves and dresses in his favorite suit. Automatically, he reaches for a solid blue tie, but a flashy red and yellow one catches his eye.
After a momentary debate, he picks the flashy tie.
After all, there might be a new case.
