Draco Ater here with a disclaimer. I do not own. And I must say, this is surprisingly coherent for something I started mid day, in the middle of other stories, and then decided to work on at two in the morning. What, don't believe me? Then read the story!
Can We Get A Pet?
"I want a cat."
Farfarello made this exclamation from his usual chair, lying upside down in it as always. Nagi sat at one end of the couch with a book on his lap, while Schuldig lounged across the rest of it with the TV remote dangling loosely from his hand. They both looked at Farf in disbelief for a moment. Then Schu broke out into a grin. Maybe the team could use a pet.
"Nah, Farf. You can't teach a cat to attack people. Let's get a Doberman Pincher."
"Cat."
"Doberman!"
"Cat!"
"Doberman!"
Nagi sighed and broke into the argument before Schu could push Farf to hurting him. "Why don't you just get something easy to take care of, like a fish."
"Great idea, Nagi-kins! Then we can have our fish fight your fish, and make bets on which one'll win!"
Scowling at Schu, Nagi said, "That's illegal. And don't call me that."
"Who'll know?"
"The pet store when I go back to buy another fish saying my roommates put their fish in with mine and started laying money down on Butcher the Betta."
"I still want a cat."
"Shut up, Farf. I already told you, you can't train a cat!"
Farf stuck his tongue out at Schuldig. "Cat's are quiet, clean, and can take care of themselves. Dogs are large, loud, dirty, and annoying."
"But dogs are smart. They can learn voice commands, hand signals, and such. What can cats do?"
"Anything a dog can, but they just don't want to."
"Right. They're stupid."
"No! Dogs are stupid! Cats are just independent."
Schu snorted derisively.
Nagi broke in again. "A dog would be too large for the apartment."
"We could get a small breed then. How does a Pomeranian sound?"
"Loud, annoying, and hyperactive. Besides, it wouldn't last two days with Farf."
The madman grinned at Schuldig to confirm this. "Yeah. Loud annoying little dogs will become dinner. Remember the neighbors' poodle?"
They both stared at him. "But, you didn't eat it. You just mutilated it," Schuldig pointed out.
Farf shrugged, which actually looked kind of funny while he was upside down. "I've done it before."
"Okaaay..." Nagi looked slightly disturbed. "I don't think any pet you two would want would last more than two days in your care."
"I see you have total confidence in our abilities," Schu noted dryly. "I still say we get a dog, and put it through a rigorous police attack dog type training."
"Cats can be just as deadly as any dog. I've heard of cats beating up dogs, or killing them, before," said Farf. "And they weren't small dogs."
"I highly doubt that Crawford would let you keep a dog or a cat," Nagi pointed out.
"Then how about a bird?" asked Schu.
"Dinner." Farf grinned and ran his tongue along his lower lip.
"Rabbit?"
"Dinner."
"Snake?"
"Dinner."
Nagi made a face and Schu just continued. "Tarantula?"
"We could use it to scare Nagi."
Nagi glared at Farf for that comment. Then at Schu for suggesting it.
"Or we could put it on Crawford's pillow," Farf continued, ignoring Nagi.
"That might not go over that well," decided Schu, picturing Crawford throwing a fit and punishing them for a giant hairy arachnid in his bed. "Then how about a rodent of some type?"
"I'm sure a rat is just perfect for you, Schuldig," Nagi said patronizingly.
"Not quite what I was thinking, but yeah. Rat's fine. What about mice? Or gerbils? I heard gerbils are nice. Ooh! I know! A ferret!"
"Ferrets are part of the weasel family, Schu, not rodents," Nagi pointed out.
"Like that matters. What do you think Farf? Ferret?"
"Gerbils sound like fun."
"Hey, Nagi. Ferret or gerbils?"
"Neither. We really can't get pets."
"Then why is there a fish in your room?"
"Because I have permission to have a fish, because I can take care of it with some level of competence. Besides, fish have a calming effect."
"You do mean boring, right?"
"No, calming."
"Very calming," Farf spoke up again. "I fell asleep watching it the other day."
"Why were you in my room again?"
"I was bored. And watching the fish made me not bored. It made me asleep."
The other two blinked. "That sounds so intelligent, Farf," Schu muttered. "Really, you're usually more with it. Did you take your meds this-"
"Yes. Yes I did. Ask Crawford. He watched me. Damn him..." He scowled slightly.
"Okay. So, a ferret, or a gerbil," Schu decided. "Though I still actually kinda like the bird idea. Or a rat. That was a good suggestion, Nagi-kins."
Nagi rolled his eyes. He was about to take his book and go hide in his room, and make sure Farf hadn't attempted to kill his fish yet, when Crawford's office door opened.
"Hey, Crawford!" called Schu. "We were just having a discussion on what kind of pet to get us. Any thoughts?"
Crawford stared at him like he'd lost it, then turned quickly back into his office and deposited the folder he'd been holding onto his desk to keep from laughing in their faces. He composed himself, and went back out. "No pets, Schuldig. You don't want Farf making dinner out of it like he did last time, do you? You really should know better than to ask."
"Yeah, Schuldig. That was a stupid question," muttered Nagi as he left.
Crawford let him leave and turned his attention to the other two. "No pets. Of any kind. If it's alive, I don't want it in this apartment."
"What about Farf and Nagi?" Farf growled at Schu but was too comfortable to roll off the chair to bite him.
Crawford ignored the comment. "The most you are going to get for a pet is a rock." With that, he left the room.
Schu and Farf watched him leave, looked at each other and started snickering. "Pet rocks. Yeah right... So, Farf, what do you think?"
"I think we should consider the gerbils, the ferret, and the bird." He finally rolled off the chair, landing in a crouch then standing and striding over to the door.
"Where are you going?" Schu asked with interest.
"To get myself a rock."
Schuldig snorted, the started laughing. A minute later, when he finally calmed down, he said, "I'll come with you. We need something to liven the place up."
-
Yeah, that was surprisingly coherent for 2:30 in the morning. I'm keeping myself up with typing and 80s music. Had-a-bad-day-can't-sleep-stuff-type-deal here. Anyway. One Shot, unless anyone would like to know what would happen if they actually got a pet. And if so, what should it be? Should Weiss have the pet discussion?
