There's a lot of cursing here. The whole thing revolves around cursing, really. And it's just crack basically.
Much thanks to Steph for looking this over for me.
Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or anything of the like.
Rule #1: There is no swearing in the household. Or anywhere, really.
"What the hell does this mean, Kate?"
She sighed. "It's exactly what the rule is referring to. We need to stop swearing in front of Rissa."
"What?" Castle rose from behind his desk and moved across the room to his wife. "She isn't even a year old. We don't need to worry about this yet."
"No? She said 'shit' this morning, you know."
He smiled the same smile proud parents wear everywhere. "She did? Precocious little thing, isn't she?"
Kate glared at him. "She said it to your mother, babe."
"And what was Mother's reaction?" He imagined a smile, probably an attempt at hiding laughter, all the while reprimanding Rissa.
"She criticized me. Me! For something that's your fault." Kate poked his chest with her finger. "I tried apologizing but it was no use. I know she did out of love, but still."
"She yelled? She rarely yells. But anyway, I am sorry for that."
"So, you admit you need to watch your mouth?" Bright hazel eyes widened unfairly, in the way that his wife knew gets to him every time.
Castle backed away, crossing his arms defensively. "I'll try."
She raised an eyebrow expectantly, tapping her foot. No matter what, she was still in charge of the family in more ways than not.
Rick's eyes narrowed. "Fine," he said tersely. "No swearing in the house. Or anywhere else."
Rule #2: Swearing is defined as any word or phrase that would cause one's mouth to need to be washed out with soap.
"At least one rule makes sense in this whole asinine mess," Rick muttered.
"Castle!" She glared, yet again. "Why can't you obey the rules? For the sake of our daughter."
"Your hearing is too good." He smirked. "And might I add, asinine is not a swear word, darling ."
"It sounds enough like one to a baby!"
Rick just laughed. "That's the most asinine thing I've heard today. It sounds like gibberish to a baby. All of this does."
She blushed, ducking her head to fiddle with a pen. "It is, isn't it?" She looked up and gave her husband a shy smile. "I might be getting a little carried away."
"Just a little." Rick ran his hand through her hair. "But it's understandable. This is your first time having a kid. The next time we have a little one running around, you'll be like an old pro."
She swallowed heavily. "Another?"
Rule #3: Violators of Rule #1 will be required to pay the swear jar. Three bucks for every infraction that takes place in front of Marissa; one dollar if she is not around to hear it.
"Three dollars? That's robbery!"
Kate hooked her fingers through his belt loops, pulling him to stand between her legs. "You're a millionaire. I think you can afford it."
He sulked. "It's not the amount. It's the principle of the matter. Three dollars is too much."
"You want to lecture me on principle?" She said incredulously. "Me? A detective? On what, truth, justice...?"
"No, I don't want to lecture. I want to negotiate the cost of a swear word." He nudged her legs farther apart before he twisted around to sit on the floor between them, grabbing the pad and pen Kate had been using as she did so. "Now, how about a flat rate of one-fifty?"
She didn't say anything; she was too caught up in staring at the pen moving in and out of her husband's mouth.
"Yeah, you're right. It's unfair to force our guests to pay that much." In and out. In and out. "Hmmm." A flash of pink as his tongue swirled around the end of the pen. "One dollar in Rissa's presence, and fifty cents if she's not around. How does that sound?"
She cleared her throat as she loosened the collar of her shirt. "Sounds great."
Revised Rule #3: Violators of Rule #1 will be required to pay the swear jar. One dollar for every infraction that takes place in front of Ella; fifty cents if she is not around to hear it.
Rick titled his head back, exposing the long column of his neck. "Kate? You okay?"
She blinked, trying to clear her thoughts. "I'm fine." At her reassurance, he kissed her temple.
"How are you?"
The whisper of lips on his skin sent shivers throughout his body. "I'm good." He craned his head back and captured her mouth with a quick kiss. "I'm very good, in fact." He curled his hand around the nape of Kate's neck, pulling their bodies closer, his tongue slipping out to tease her mouth open.
Their simultaneous moans were cut short by a piercing wail resonating throughout the penthouse.
"Damn it," Rick muttered.
Kate lightly slapped his arm as she disentangled himself so she could get Rissa. "That's fifty cents for you. I'll have to find a jar to put the money in."
He followed her to their daughter's nursery, admiring the way the jeans outlined the curve of his wife's ass. Sighing mentally, he pulled out her wallet, rifling through it as she changed the baby's diaper.
"I don't have anything smaller than a twenty." He tucked it into her front pocket. "Consider it pre-payment on future lapses of control."
"Castle," She groaned. "That defeats the purpose of the swear jar. Here, she's almost asleep." She handed Marissa over to Rick and started cleaning up the changing table. "You won't learn to watch your language that way."
"But I never have small bills!" He put the baby back in her crib, and grabbed Kate's belt loop again and pulled him to their bedroom.
"C'mon," he whispered. "She's sleeping. I want to have sex with you now."
"I think sex is a swe-," Rick grinned and pressed his mouth to hers to shut her up.
"Yeah, you're right - never mind, it's hot." Kate breathed out when she pulled back from the forceful kiss.
Rule #4: Swearing is allowed in the bedroom only, assuming Marissa is not present.
I've been watching Workaholics and the hungarian comedy show Munkaügyek way too much. Wayyyy. This is the result of it.
And yes, I plan on continuing the zombie fic and the vegas fic as soon as possible... just not quite yet. So many ideas so little time.
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