Don't read any further if you aren't all caught up with the third season of "Pretty Little Liars".
This little excerpt is based on the thoughts running through Spencer's mind while she is trying to figure out if Toby had a choice in helping 'A'. I just wanted to write something from her perspective, because she is going through a new phase: a phase of turmoil.
Turmoil
I had known it was him for a while. I had known it was my own boyfriend who had been secretly tormenting me for weeks, months and maybe even years. Who knows how long Toby has been involved with 'A', how long he has been plotting to bring me and my friends down. I am so ashamed that I let myself fall in love with him and get so emotionally involved with that tyrant. I thought I was the shrewd and brainy one, not that I would ever dare to point that out. Ha! I'm glad I can still laugh at my own jokes. Good one, Spencer!
But honestly, why did it have to come to this? Toby fooled me. He fooled us all, but I would have thought that I would have been able to detect the dishonesty in his gaze or perhaps a sweaty forehead. Nope, nothing. Toby showed no signs at all of being uncomfortable or twitchy. He seemed perfectly happy with himself, perfectly content with living a lie. Each time he told me how much he loved me, I believed him without a doubt. How is it possible for someone to be so deceitful? Can it really be true that Toby was on 'A's side, that he wanted to do his or her every bidding? Either that or he did love me and there is some other explanation as to why he was on the 'A-Team'. Maybe 'A' got to him for some reason. Maybe our tormenter (or tormentress) forced Toby into this, leaving him with no choice. 'A' must have had something on him and blackmailed him into this little game. You know what? 'A' does not even deserve to be referred to with references to gender. 'A' is not a "he" or a "she". 'A' is an "it". 'A' is a low-life who has nothing better to do than dig up people's past mistakes. 'A' is not human in my eyes. 'A' is a monster. And why is it that 'A' always gets what it wants? Why are we so easy to manipulate and maneuver into the exact action 'A' wants us to take? Are we really that gullible? I really don't know anymore. I mean, I thought that if 'A' were right in front of me I would know, but nothing…
I was blindsided. I didn't see it coming until I started realising that I was in denial. All those absences of Toby's, his constant monitoring of my whereabouts, his dark looks (yes, there were some), but I thought he was going through a phase. I even thought it was me that he was worried about. Well, in a way that is true, only that he was worried about keeping me reigned in. I had had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach for a while, but I didn't listen to my gut. I just kept on going, never failing to trust Toby. I'm so disappointed in myself. How could I have been so blind for such a long time? Finally, when I found his Radley badge, I couldn't believe my eyes. There must be some other explanation, I thought to myself. That was why I confronted Toby when he came back to collect it. Maybe he wanted me to find it, but now he has disappeared and I'm left with all these questions rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. If Toby is truly a member of the 'A-Team' now, then that means he never truly loved me. I need to find out if our love was real or else I don't know if I can stay sane.
With my boyfriend being revealed as my possible enemy, I really don't know if I can trust myself anymore. Was I blinded by love or is Toby still on our side? But the one question burning more on my mind than any other is: Did he ever love me? I can't go on until I know. Answering that question is going to my sole mission from now on. If he still loves me then he can never really have been part of the 'A-Team'. If he never loved me, I will never be able to trust myself again.