For those of us who need to know (and you know who you are) Riff Raff is completely bald this story, he lost his hair in an accident involving a Victorian Toilet. It opens with the lips singing Science Fiction (you know how it goes)
Then the Scene goes to Janet's bedroom, everything is pink, and a white persian cat is sitting on the bed. Janet and Emily are there.
Janet: But mommy ...
Emily: Janet, you are going to that Summer Camp, end of story. It'll do you some good.
Janet: But mother!
Emily: No 'buts' Janet Weiss you are going.
The scene goes to Riff Raff's house.
Riff: Oh no, Ms. York, I don't think I should go to camp, I wouldn't want to spread {cough} Cholera ... again ...
The words: 4 years after They Came From Denton Daycare: Appear.
Ms York: Oh, Richie, Richie, Richie, Richie. YOU ARE GOING TO CAMP EVEN IF IT MEANS THE SPREADING OF CHOLERA!!!
Riff: Yes ma'am.
Ms York: And what have I told you about washing my deceased son's cholera infested clothing? we want to keep his essence around, young man.
Riff:But his essence is so infectious...
Scene to Brad's house.
Brad: So can I go, mommy, please mommy, Janet's going ... so are the rest of the kids, mommy, can I go mommy?
Mommy: Brad ... what about your allergies?
Brad: Oh, mommy, I'll take my four inhalers, all my pills, the bottles of medicine and Steve's insulin kit, even though I don't need it and he does.
Mommy: Well ... alright, hon.
Brad: {Jumps into the air} Yeah!!!
Scene to Columbia and Magenta's house, in the kitchen.
Columbia: Mom, I need you to win $200 so me and Magenta can go to camp.
Montana: Ask daddy, sweetheart, mommy's money all disappeared into the roulette machine in the sky.
Columbia: Yes, mom.
Scene goes to Columbia and Magenta asking Kentucky, in another room.
Columbia: Daddy, do you have any money that's NOT in the big roulette wheel in the sky?
Kentucky: Yes, sweetie, but it's in the -
Magenta: Big Roulette wheel on the ground?
Kentucky: {looks annoyed} No, the BANK.
Columbia: But ...
Kentucky: And soon it will be in the big roulette wheel in the sky.
Columbia: Oh ...
Scene goes to "The Denton Bank", Columbia is standing on Magenta's shoulders at a cash machine. Columbia is trying to put in a card.
Columbia: Don't worry alls I gotta do is put in the card, and press my daddy's number in.
Magenta: Are you sure it will work? Couldn't we just ask the bank nicely, and if they say no, say we'll kill them if they don't? Riff Raff has Cholera, we can use that against them.
Columbia: No, this worked, see? Now .. 2 - 0 -0 and ... then you press this and...
Magenta: What will Kentucky say?
Columbia: Don't worry, we'll just tell him that it went to the big roulette wheel in the sky a day early.
Scene to Frank's house.
Ellen: Frankie, sweetie, you're going to Summer Camp.
Frank: What's in it for me?
Ellen: all the other little kids in your class will be going.
Frank: {raises eyebrow} Will Brad be going???
Ellen: Why, yes! Have you made friends with li'l Brad Majors?
Frank: Not yet, but I'm going to.
The words: 2 months later : appear on the screen. Scene goes to outside a school, denton elementary school, where all the kids are going on a bus.
Frank: Brad, I wanna sit next to you!!!
Brad:{in whiny tone} aaaaaah ...
Soon their all seated, Eddie, Janet, Ralph and Betty are in the back seat, Riff Raff is stuck sitting next to Dr. Scott, who can still walk at this point, Frank and Brad are sitting one seat down from those at the back, and Magenta and Columbia are directly across from Frank and Brad.
Betty: Oh, I just can't wait!!!
Ralph: I heard those kids from Denton Vale Academy were goin'.
Eddie: I heard you had a crush on Macy Struthers!!!
Janet: Oh, where did you hear that from?
Eddie: Well, I heard it from Thomas, and he heard it from Jamie Lee, and she heard it from Carl, and he heard it from Jane who heard it from Brad who heard it from Ralph.
Janet: Ralph and Macy sittin' in a tree ...
Brad: K-I-S-S ... erm ...uh ...
Magenta: I-N-G
Brad: Huh, I knew that ...
4 hours later:
Frank: Are we there yet?
Brad: I don't know, I haven't seen any civili...civ...housies for miles!!!
Columbia: I don't like those kids from Denton Vale Academy. They just drove past us in there Super-Deluxe double decker bus, which, by the way, has not broken down twice in the last hour.
Eddie: Hey, we're moving now, right?
Columbia: Yeah. {blushes, looks away}.
Scene goes to Denton Denton Summer Camp front entrance. It's quite dark.
Frank: Are we here yet?
Brad: Frank, I didn't tell this time, but next time you stroke me on the bus -
Dr. Scott: Okay kids, the boys cabin is over that way, the girls cabin is over there. The Denton Vale Academy children are across the lake. Everyone go get ready for bed.
Suddenly, a small blonde girl runs over, she's wearing a baby blue dress. She smiles.
Girl: Hi, I'm Macy ... Macy Struthers, and we were here hours ago.
Janet: So? We went the BETTER way!!!
Ralph: Janet, don't lie to Macy.
Columbia wanders away, the camera follows her, and the others' argument fades away. She walks up to a big field, full of horses.
Columbia: Oh, pretty. She strokes a brown pony.
Voice from behind her: Do you like my horse?
Columbia {turns around} Yes. Is he yours?
Ansalong: SHE is. Can you ride?
Columbia: Oh, yes, I'm one of the best riders in the whole wide world. Who are you?
Ansalong: The best. *ominous music and thunder clap*
Columbia: Well ... well, I bet I'm better than you are!!!
Ansalong: Izzat so? Fine, a race. Just you an' me -
Columbia: And horses?
Ansalong: I was getting to that - Just you an' me an' my horse Sandy and ...
Columbia: My horse ...
She looks at the others, there's a grey one, a small black one and a big angry looking black one with the whites of it's eyes showing.
Columbia: My horse ... Sparkles!!! {she points at the big black stallion.} Alright then!!! First thing in the morning, the day after tomorrow.
Ansalong: Sounds good to me, race through the woods, past the lake and back to the field, okay?
Columbia: You're on!
Scene goes to late in the Denon Kids' Girls Cabin.
Columbia: 'Genta?
Magenta: Use my full name, and what?
Columbia: I sort of agreed to something I think was kind of stupid.
Magenta: I haven't even heard it and I agree with you.
Columbia: You know the big field of horses?
Magenta: The one with the horses in it?
Columbia: YES!!! That's the exact one! Anyway, I agreed to race against one of the Girls from Denton Vale.
Magenta: You mean that Ansalong girl?
Columbia: How did you ...?
Magenta: She's the only one dumb enough to be wandering around a horses field when we only just got here.
Columbia: Anyway, you know the big horse?
Magenta: The one we got warned not to touch while you were gone?
Columbia: Probably, anyway, I said he was mine.
Magenta: What?! Why?!!
Columbia: So Eddie will be impre ... impressessessed.
The next day:
All the kids, Denton, and Denton Vale alike, are being told the rules of the camp.
Councelor: Hi, and welcome to Denton Denton Camp. There're only a few rules here at DDC, rule 1: Don't touch the horses, Rule 2: The Mansion which the camp is built around is out of bounds, It's been condemned, and it's too dangerous to go inside. Rule Number 3: We've all got to have FUN!!! Ricky, stop hitting Brad.
Ricky: Is there a RULE against it?
Councelor: Oh, hi, who are you?
A girl in a short baby pink dress with blonde hair in a beehive approached them.
Girl: My name's Trixie {she has a New York accent} I, like, just got here, right? So, like, I'm like late.
Councelor: Alright, take a seat.
Trixie: Ew ... excuse me? This seat is made of wood.
Councelor: Yes.
Trixe: Like, no way. Do you know what wood could do to me?
Councelor: Just sit down. {continues, his voice get's quieter. Trixe sits beside Ralph and Betty}
Betty: {whispers} Hi, I'm Betty, where are you from?
Trixie: I'm Trixie, I'm from New York. I'll be in your class later.
Betty: Maybe we can be frie -
Ralph: Hi. I'm Ralph, this is Janet, Brad, Eddie, Richie ... Richie, leave it alone ... Margo ... and Columbia.
Frank: And Frankie!
Betty: Like I was saying -
Janet: We should hang around together!!! Betty, chew with your mouth CLOSED.
Betty: {closes mouth, she had been chewing gum}
Trixie: Right. Who are they? {she points at the Denton Vale kids}
Eddie: Oh, just a bunch of stuck up downtown kids. Nothing you should worry about.
Ralph: Er, Betty?
Betty: Yes?
Ralph: Could you pass this note to Macy?
Scene goes to activity one, archery.
Councelor: Alright, kids, aim at the TARGETS.
Riff Raff: {is first, he aims at the target, but turns and fires it a Frank} Aw, missed!
Frank: {just get's out of the way} Rif ... FREAKY!!! What was that for? {bursts into fake sobs}
Councelor: Richie! Go to the dorm and think about how you endangered this poor boy's- {Frank looks up sharply at 'boy'}-life.
Riff Raff: I don't believe I MISSED!! {walks away}
The councelor takes Riff back to the dorm.
Macy: Janet, you're group SUCKS.
Janet: We do not!!!
Macy: You do to!
Janet: Let's have a competition, then!
Macy: The first one to build a flying machine -
Janet: That can fly the furtherest over the lake!
Macy: {uncertain} The Lake?
Janet: Are you SCARED? Hen!!
Brad: I believe the expression is CHICKEN!!! MACY'S CHICKEN!!!
The scene goes to that night, in the boys dorm:
Brad: We just gotta beat the DVA Kids!!!
Frank: I think I know how to make a big kite, we could strap Freaky to it, he's pretty light, and on the brink of death anyway, thanks to his Cholera.
Ralph: It sounds to dangerous, couldn't we all be friends?
Eddie: No, we should kick ass!!!
Brad: You said the Word.
Eddie: I did so not!!
In the DVA dorm:
Neely: You know, I feel sorry, for Ricky, what with him and Farley being the only boys. Although, that boy Brad, he sure does remind me someone.
Macy: How's my hair?
Ansalong: Still Blonde. So, I'm racing this Columbia kid tommorrow, stupid kid, she's the youngest you know, she's about 3 years younger than the rest, her parents just didn't tell the school until half way through the term, so they left her in that class. She says the big stalliion's hers. I don't believe her, and I doubt she can ride.
Neely: Yeah, whatever, Ansalong.
Early the next morning, Columbia is sneaking out, to go and see "Sparkle".
Columbia: Come here Sparkle. Atta boy ... {she gives the horse a carrot, then climbs up onto the gate, and jumps onto his back, and holds onto it's mane, which is long and uncared for} There, you're not so wild, are you?
Ansalong (from behind): Well, where's the tack?
Columbia: The ... tack?
Ansalong: Saddle? Thing you sit on?
Columbia: You sit on the horse ...
Ansalong: The leather thing - THIS!! {she holds up a saddle}
Columbia: Who needs straps? It doesn't look so pretty.
Scene goes to Magenta, she is waking up the girls.
Magenta: C'mon!!! C'lumbia's racing today!!! If we can get to the big log, we'll be able to watch!!!
Janet: Right. Betty, go get the boys.
All the Denton Kids are on a big log.
Scene back to Columbia and Ansalong.
Ansalong: 1, 2, 3 ... GO!!! {Sandy takes off like a shot}
Columbia: GO!!!
The stallion stands there, looking unamused. Suddenly, Farley comes up behind it with a stick.
Columbia: No, don't hit my -
*SMACK*
"Sparkle" gallops off in a mad frenzy.
Columbia: It's ... not ... so ... bad ... {she clings to the horse, and squeezes her eyes shut}
The scene shows Ansalong going at a perfectly sane pace on her horse.
Ansalong: {looks back} Hey ... that horse is goin' pretty ...
"Sparkle" flies past in a cloud of smoke.
Scene to the kids on the log.
Frank: Isn't that Columbia's horse?
Betty: Why, yes! It's so pretty, especially from this front view.
Janet: Uh ... doesn't that mean it'll be jumping over us?
Brad: Oh, yes, Janet!
Magenta: FUCK!!!
All the kids roll off the log, and duck beneath it, the horse and Columbia fly over them.
Janet: What did you say?
Magenta: Duck. I said duck.
Ralph: That was some jump ...
Eddie: I wonder if Columbia's okay?
Scene to Columbia -
Columbia: I didn't know you could do that!!! {get's more confident} This is pretty easy!!!
Suddenly Sparkle stops, Columbia falls off.
Columbia: Now THAT was just uncalled for. {get's up} Down. {horse bends down, Columbia climbs on} Now that is much better. Go.
Sparkle gallops on. Scene to Ansalong.
Ansalong: Oh, she's going to WIN!!! Go faster, Sandy!!!
Scene to DVA kids, Ricky is up in a high tree, the rest are crowding around the foot of the tree.
Macy: Can you see her yet?
Neely: Yes, can you?
Farley: That Columbia kid passed us ages ago!
Neely: Ansalong can do it, you'll see!
Scene to Columbia, she is standing beside the horse.
Columbia: I think I took a sort of wrong turn. Wait, actually YOU did, I don't think this River was here before.
There is a wide, deep River.
Columbia: We're s'posed to go through the woods and past a lake. Let's just go up that hill, and see if we can see see see!!!
She jumps back on as the horse bends down, and they gallop away.
Scene to Councelor and Camp Manager.
Councelor: But sir, I did say not to touch the horses!!!
Camp Manager: And THOR is gone?
Councelor: Yes, the stallion's gone, and so is that little girl's pony.
Camp Manager: Where are the kids?
Councelor: Now there's a good question if ever I heard one.
Scene to The DVA kids again.
Ricky: I see Ansalong, she's going pretty fast, here she comes ... and ... GOES!!!
Ansalong gallops past.
Scene to Columbia.
Columbia: Well, Sparkle, I guess we won! Here we are at the field again. Back in!
Councelor runs up to her.
Councelor: Little girl!! Little girl? LITTLE GIRL??? Little girl? Excuse me, little girl?
Columbia: {looks around} Oh, me.
Councelor: Yes ... um, little girl, what is your name?
Columbia: My name's Columbia, and that big horse is called Sparkle. I rode him.
Councelor: But you couldn't possibly have ... that horse is ... he's mad! He's very dangerous, you're lying to me! And his name is Thor.
Columbia: Where is everyone? I won the race, I want to tell them!
Scene to Denton Kids:
Magenta: F .. DUCK!!!
They all duck as Ansalong and Sandy fly over them. Scene back to Columbia and Councelor.
Columbia: they were all sitting on a log when I jumped over it.
Councelor: Oh my god, we may need an Ambulance!!! Where?
Columbia: In the middle of the woods. Took 'em two hours to get there ... walkin'.
Councelor: you can show me!!! Show me how you rode Thor!!!
Columbia: 'Kay. Sparkle!!!
She holds her hand out, and the horse comes over.
Columbia: Down. Good Sparkle.
Columbia climbs on and holds onto his hair again.
Councelor: It's bloody miracle!!! I'll just get a horse ready, then we'll go.
Scene to kids hiding under the log.
Riff Raff: Look, it's been half an hour, I'm sure it's safe now.
Frank: You go see, Freaky.
Riff Raff: My name is -
Frank: Go see.
Riff Raff: {gets up to see} All clear.
Everyone gets back up on the log.
Brad: What's that noise?
Janet: It's sounds like horsie noisies!
Magenta: Fu - DUCK!!!
Everyone leaps under the log again as Columbia and the Councelor pull up their horses. Well, the councelor does.
Columbia: YAAAAAAAAAAAOWAH!! {Sparkle keeps going, and jumps over the log}
Councelor: STOP!!!
Columbia: {Calling back over her shoulder} But it's fun!!!
Scene to Denton Vale kids:
Ricky: Hey, guys ... I'm stuck up here.
Macy: Huh, guys are sooo stupid.
Neely: Farley! You said this would be over faster than that tree falling down!
Ricky's tree falls down.
Councelor: {rides up} Don't worry kids, this is all over now.
Scene to Medical Room in the camp, it's dark outside, Ricky is there with "Matron", getting his injuries "fixed"
Ricky: But it won't hurt, right?
Matron: Oh no, not if you're nerves are dead, anyway.
Ricky: Oh, my nerves are just alive and kicking, thanks ... I'll just be going...
Scene to next day, Ricky is covered in a rash. The kids are in the Mess Hall, eating breakfast.
Ricky: {scratches} Okay, NOW my nerves are dead.
Ansalong: Uh, shut up, Ricky.
Macy: So, anyway, what about that new kid, I mean what about her HAIR!
Scene to Denton kids table:
Trixie: So that's the story of how I, like, adopted a monkey!
Janet: Oh, Trixie, that's so cool!
Eddie: So, Columbia, what's it LIKE?
Columbia: {acting cool} What's what like?
Eddie: Being ontop of an outta control beast, with an endless supply of petrol and no brakes?
Columbia: Pretty fun.
Eddie: Wow, listen to this chick, she's in mortal danger, and she says it's pretty fun!!!
Columbia : {blushes} But, it was, but I did fall that one time ...
Eddie: {amazed} you fell?
Brad: Did you get back on? Didja? Didja huh?
Columbia: Well ... yeah, I mean, I was out next to the river and ...
Eddie: You are so cool, Col.
Columbia (v.o): {thinking} wow! COL!!! Cool Col ...
Frank: So, about Freaky flying across the lake ...
Janet: Oh, Frank, don't you think that's a little silly?
Frank: Oh, no, I honestly think he could do it.We'll take Janet's bedsheet ...
Janet: Uh!!!!
Frank: We'll take Brad's bedsheet and ...
Scene to the boys cabin, all the Denton kids are there.
Frank: No, no, no, Magenta ... that way ... yes ... and tie his foot there ...
Riff Raff: You all officially have cholera! I mean it! Cholera!
Scene goes to the lake, the DVA kids are on one side, with Rash Infested Ricky tied to their flying machine, which is a set of wings, the Denton kids with Riff strapped to theirs, which is like a giant kite.
Brad: Alright, everyone hold onto the anchor, so we don't lose him.
Frank: Check.
Brad: Trixie?
Trixie: {she's holding one side of the kite} Check!
Brad: Magenta?
Magenta: Check.
Brad: Let's fly {pulls a pair of sunglasses over his eyes}
Eddie: Gimme those back, loser!
Trixie and Magenta throw the kite into the air, and the anchor almost goes with it, Riff is sent over the lake.
Riff Raff: I'm flying!!!
Scene back down to ground.
Frank: We've lost it!
The kite flies away across the lake, and lands on the island in the middle.
Columbia: Uh oh.
Scene to DVA kids:
Ricky's wearing a big pair of wings, he tries to fly, but falls straight into the water, and he's bitten by a poisonous fish.
Farley: Goddamit, Ricky, you never do ANYTHING right!
Ricky: CALL ... 9 ... 1 ... 1 ... the pain ... can't feel ... left ... leg ...
Macy: See? You can't even get up and do that yourself!
Ansalong: Yeah, you're just stupid.
Ricky: You wait and see ... one day I'll be a young ... male ... intern ... tall ... handsome ... with legs really made for dancin' ... if the feeling ever returns to them.
Macy: Are you suggesting that you're not male now?
Scene to Denton Kids:
Magenta: Frank you big bastard!!! What have you done to Riff Raff?
Frank: Freaky's a survivor ... I mean, he survived the LAST time, right?
Magenta: I'll kill you!!! {she jumps at Frank}
Frank: {running away} Now Magenta, sweetie, darling ... fuck off you insane whore!!!!
Janet: Oh, cover your ears Brad!!!
Brad:{mimicking Frank} You insane whore!
Janet: OH!! Oh BRAD!!!!! {she covers her ears}
Eddie: Bite me.
Columbia: Yeah, bite him!!!
Betty: With pleasure...
Ralph: Betty ... you did have the shot for your rabies ... right?
Scene to next day: Boys Cabin: Denton kids: It's pitch dark, the screen is just black.
Ralph: Look, no more silly competitions, I mean ... Richie or whatever the kid's called -
Frank: Freaky.
Ralph: Freaky hasn't came back yet.
Frank: Don't worry, he's a homing Freaky.
Brad: You insane whore!
Frank: Look, sweetie ... it just doesn't work coming from you. Meet me behind the bike sheds and I'll show you how it's done.
Brad: That's okay... you should stay in your own bed ... seriously Frank ...
Scene to next day, outside the camp centre:
Brad: Where is everybody??
Frank: They're all gone. Just you and me, Bradley ... hmmm ...
Brad: No, cuz Janet, Columbia, Magenta and Eddie and Ralph and Betty and all those other stupid kids are still here!!!
Frank: You do have a point.
Suddenly there is the sound of distant arguing.
Eddie: Could too!!!
Ricky: Could not!!!
Brad: Guys, calm down!!! What are you fighting about.
Ricky: He says he could sneak into that old house and bring back that candle thing you can see in the tower room window.
Eddie: I'm only going if you go!!!
Janet: {runs up} It's only ... safe ... to travel in ... groups ... if Eddie goes, so do the rest of us!
Ricky: You calling the rest of us chicken???
Brad: Or should I say hen?
Janet: No, you guys just aren't invited!!!
Ricky: Oh yeah? We'll be there!!! Midnight tonight!!!
Brad: Does anyone know when midnight really IS?
Janet: Well, sure Brad, that's when the people in the movies sneak into the old houses.
Frank: Relax, Magenta probably knows how to tell time.
Magenta: How to tell WHAT? Riffie knows.
Frank: That settles it. We're going on A Freaky Rescue Mission.
Janet: A ... a what?
Brad: You got it.
Eddie: Brad, shut up.
Columbia: Yeah Brad!!!
Frank: At midnight tonight we'll begin the rescue mission ... and ... oh, right ... when I wake everyone up ...
Magenta: Here we go again ...
That night -
Frank: Brad, wakie wakie ... BRAD GET UP!!!
Ralph: What's all the noise about???
Eddie: Shut up, man ...
Frank: Woman.
Eddie: whatever, shut up anyway.
Frank: C'mon, boys ... hmm ... we've got to get going!!!
Eddie: what time is it?
Brad: My mommy gave me this watchy thingy, and she said when the big hand and the little hand reach the top it's 12 o'clock. But the big hand broke off, and the little hand don't move no more.
Frank: Get moving ... Brad, darling, I think it would be best if you just wore shorts ... yes ... hmmmm...
Brad: I knew this woolly jump-suit with no holes in it for my hands, feet or head would come in handy.
Frank: Oh, Bradley, sweetie ... I'll have it burnt.
Brad: Frank ... do I have to???
Frank: No, I think your bathing suit would be much more practical in this situation.
Brad: Awwww.
Later:
Brad: Frank, I'm really cold.
Frank: Allow me to heat you up ...
Brad: Actually, I'm alot better now.
Frank: Aaw ... Freaky?!!
Riff: {from the island} Help ... viscious hedgehogs ... the pain ...
Brad: Oh, um ... I can't go over there ... I have to go do a thing.
Frank: Are you scared of gigantic, montrous, enormous, highly radioactive and volatile ... hedgehogs?
Brad: Yes. That and there are aligators in the lake.
Ralph: Look, everyone just relax, Eddie can swim.
Eddie: Hey!!!
Voice from behind them: Hey ... what're you guys up to???
It's Columbia.
Ralph: Eddie was just saying how he was too sc -
Eddie: I was just about swim out there and rescue Freaky.
Columbia: Oh, cool. Why don't you just use the boat?
Eddie: Yeah!!! The boat!!!
Brad: can hedg - I mean - can aligators get you on a boat?
Frank: no, dear.
All of them, including Columbia get into the boat
Next scene, in the middle of the lake. Frank is standing at the bow of the boat.
Frank: Row ... Row ... Row ...
Columbia: Why do I have to row?
They get to the island and:
Frank: Hi Freaky, everybody back in the boat.
Riff: Not everyone will fit.
Frank: someone has to stay behind.
Brad: Who???
Frank: Freaky can do it.
Back on the shore:
Ralph: Doesn't leaving that kid out there sort of defeat the point of going to rescue him in the first place?
Columbia: And I had to row the length of the lake!!!
The next day, there is still no sign of the councelor or anyone else apart from the kids. In the mess hall, where Janet, Magenta, Betty, Trixie and Columbia are trying to cook something for breakfast.
Janet: How do you cook ... gr .. gr-u-e-l? {trying to read a label}
Magenta: Um ... I'll turn on the gas, and we'll put it in this bucket ...
Trixie: Like, no way, am I, like, cooking, like anything.
Betty: I'm a wonderful little cook.
Half an hour later, all the kids are choking back the gruel so wonderfully made by Magenta, while Betty's in the kitchen still cooking. Suddenly, the DVA kids waltz in.
Ansalong: where's ours?
Janet: You get it yourself.
Macy: Fa-arley.
Farley: My daddy owns a big fast food company. I'll call him!!!
Columbia: With what? Do you have any money?
Farley: No.
Brad:Why do I have to eat out of the fire bucket? with the sand in it?
Eddie: They ran out of make-shift plates. {he looks down, he is eating off of a bit of newspaper.}
Ralph: Yeah. {he's eating out of his own shoe}
Frank: Whatever do you mean? {Frank has a china plate and silver cutlery}
Suddenly, Riff Raff staggers in.
Frank: Freaky!!!
Riff: you bastard.
Frank: that was uncalled for.
Riff: I had to swim the full length of the lake. And a half.
Frank: Why?
Riff: I was chased back towards the island by some viscious hedgehogs who were out for a swim.
Ricky: I bet Eddie would be too scared to go into the big ol' house.
Eddie: I would not!!!
Ricky: Well, you can go in there, go up to the tower and bring back the candle stick in the window.
Eddie: I will, but I bet your too chicken!!!
Ralph: Why don't we all go? It'll be just like being a family ... hi Macy.
Janet: Yes, safety in numbers.
Eddie: That's settled then. the first team to get the candlestick outside wins.
scene to outside the house:
Janet: How do we get past the barbie wire?
Magenta: Columbia, jump on it and see if it's electric.
Columbia: Okay. {she leaps at the fence, land two feet off the ground, clinging like a monkey, she just hangs there, motionless}
Magenta: okay, I guess it's safe to use the gate then.
She opens the gate and walks through, Columbia stays hanging on the fence.
Janet: What about her?
Magenta: {shrugs} I dunno. Leave her.
Janet: But with less numbers, what about the safety?
Magenta: Just screw the safety, Columbia's not goin' anywheres, lookit 'er.
Janet looks, Columbia is still hanging there, just staying still as can be not making a sound.
Janet: You know I think you might be right.
Scene to the kids crawling through a basement window.
Eddie: I'm too fat!!!
Magenta: No kidding, c'mon, everyone else is trapped behind your big behind!
She is the only one in the basement, Eddie is jammed in the window.
Eddie: Shut up!!! {He flies through and Frank's head appears behind him}
Frank: He needed a little lubricant.
Brad: Frank, can I have my suntan lotion back now? I can just feel myself burning!
Frank: Riff Raff, it's not nice to set the other children on fire.
Brad: Aaah! {Riff Raff switches off the lighter}
Now everyone is in the basement.
Trixe: Like, it's like, Ew.
Macy: Dirty.
Eddie: Well, since everybody's in, let's spit up.
Magenta: Don't you mean "split" up?
Eddie: No, we have no coins, so we have to spit to find out who goes with who.
Magenta: I call Riff Raff.
Frank: I call -
Farley: Brad, I want Brad!!!
Frank: Hhhmmph.
Magenta: We call Frank.
Riff Raff: {getting murderously excited} One day, Frank-N-Furter, it will be all over, you mission will be a failure ... And I'll dance on your GRAVE!!! {sticks out his tongue at Frank, Frank tries to bite it, Brad hides behind Farley}
Eddie: Where's Columbia?
Magenta: Hanging off the fence outside, why?
Eddie: Aaah nuts!
Ricky: I call Eddie and Ralph.
Neely: I call Ansalong!
Macy: But then that means that leaves ... I call Tri-
Betty: I call Trixie!!!
Macy:But then I'm stuck with J-j-j-j-anet!!!
Janet: Oh, but ... I won't be safe without the numbers ... I must be with at least all of you!
Everyone but Janet: Oh, Janet.
Scene to Magenta, Riff and Frank, who are walking up some spiral stairs towards the tower.
Magenta: On Transsexual, land of night, these sort of houses could fly.
Riff Raff: I really gotta go!!!
Magenta: There's a bathroom over there.
Scene to Macy and Janet. Janet walks out into the middle of a big room with a stained glass floor, as she gets to the middle it all cracks. She stays perfectly still, but Macy comes to the door.
Janet: You don't come in here!
Macy: And why not?
She walks in, and the floor collapses.
Scene to Brad and Farley, they are in a cupboard, and Farley's trying to stab Brad with a poker.
Brad: Farley, I'm sure we can talk this through!!, I mean ... uh ... I'm too young to die!