JD was silent
Right everyone! Back from sunny Spain, with nothing to show for it but a dancing flamingo and sunburn. Ahem. Anyway, I'm afraid I know nothing about medicine. So most of this is taken from Wikipedia and online medical sites. I'm more focussing on the emotional side. This is Slash, so turn away now if it makes your stomach turn.
Little AU Bits:
Turk and Carla have Izzy, and Dr Cox and Jordan have Jack. But Perry and Jordan aren't together, and Jordan and Kim aren't pregnant. In fact, Kim doesn't exist here. Also, in this story JD has his own apartment. Enjoy, and please please please review!
PS: Idea mildly borrowed from an AMAZING Torchwood writer, ebonyjet. She's not on this site, but you can catch her Torchwood cancer story "Things We Can't Fight' here:
/viewstory.php?sid16610
I beta it, but I'm lazy. If you love it and want updates, yell at me, 'kay?
JD was silent. He sat absolutely still, not taking his eyes of the chart in front of him. It was not a good chart. It was, possibly, the worst chart he had ever seen. Mainly because it was his.
He spoke aloud. "Right, last time." He squeezed his eyes shut, and balled his hands into fists. "Come on……" he whispered, trying to ignore everything else. He opened his eyes, eagerly leaning forwards. The damn chart was still there. He read it again. Still said the same damn thing. Well, that had been an overall waste of time. He flopped backwards on to the table. It was cold, hard, and made of metal. Why had he never noticed how uncomfortable these tables were? Probably because he'd never had to lie on one of them before. He was quite glad of that. They bloody hurt.
This was his second time here. He was just as nervous this time round. JD had come into the Saint Giles hospital a week ago, and had been prodded, poked, x-rayed, sampled, and every other degrading thing he could imagine. It was not fun. He was beginning to feel very sympathetic for patients here after only a few minutes. Today he was here to get the results. And what results they were.
He opened his mouth to swear, then closed it. Swearing wouldn't help him now. He wasn't sure if anything could.
Carla sighed and leaned back slightly.
"Turk honey? You seen Bambi anywhere? I haven't seen him all day." Turk shrugged.
"Don't worry baby. He's probably just got the day off. My vanilla bear can take care of himself! No need to go all mushy on him." Carla rolled her eyes.
"Please. You worry about him even more than I do. If he's out of your sight for more than an hour at a time, you get all twitchy and irritable."
"I do not" Turk twitched, sounding irritated.
"And now you're angry."
"NO I'M NOT!" He yelled angrily.
"And now you're gonna storm off, all sulky."
"Am not." Turk said sulkily, before storming off. Carla sighed again, then grabbed hold of Dr Cox.
"You. Have you seen JD?" Dr Cox looked up. Carla cursed inwardly. She had begun to predict when he would rant. This time, she was right.
"Do I know where Barbara is? I don't know. I don't follow her little pink dress around all day you know, looking for bobbing pigtails in the crowd. Because, unlike most of you, I have a life. It may be one filled with idiots, morons, and worst of all, interns, but it's a life none the less. So, let's brainstorm. Where could Sally Anne be? She could be on a date with that patient's hot brother, couldn't she? But no, he can do better than her. So maybe her and Barbie could be shopping for lingerie, because after said patient's hot brother dumped her she went on an ice cream binge, and now nothing fits any more. But Barbie is, unfortunately, still here. And now here's a crazy thought- what if she's taken the day off? I mean, call me insane, but I think that it's not necessary for the girl to be at your side for every second of every day. Wait, I know what happened! While you weren't looking, Pricilla and his life partner Ghandi snuck off and are currently making out in a closet somewhere. Hmm? Or maybe-" Dr Cox marched off, still ranting as he went. Carla felt sorry for any intern that messed up today. Or spoke to him. Or breathed in his presence.
"Sorry for that Dr Dorian." The woman said, sitting down in front of him. "I had to go check up on something. Have you had a bit of time to think about this?" JD nodded, sighing. He really hated being in the patient position. He knew exactly what the woman was going to say next.
"So. Like I said, you have advanced renal cell carcinoma. More commonly known as kidney cancer. We didn't expect this as you have no family history of kidney problems, you don't smoke and it usually affects men far older than yourself. I'm afraid-"
"I only have around a 50 chance of survival," JD cut in. "This has probably been lowered due to the fact I waited too long to get it checked out. I have a tumour in my renal cortex, which is too large to be left. My choices are-"
"Excuse me, Dr Dorian, who is the medic here?" JD sighed.
"You are."
"You are-"
"Dr Roberts."
"Thank you. I do understand you feel the need to take over. This must be very hard for you. Unfortunately, you are correct. I suggest surgery." But JD was shaking his head.
"No."
"But Dr Dorian, I-"
"No."
"But-"
"NO!" he shouted suddenly. "No to all of this! I will not have the surgery because I don't want to die."
"Dr Dorian, you are getting your facts muddled. Without surgery, you will die." JD seemed defeated, and sunk back slightly.
"I want another treatment." He said softly. He looked up, doe like brown eyes filling with tears. "Please." Dr Roberts sighed.
"It seems I can't persuade you. If you really refuse to have the operation, we will have to resort to chemotherapy."
"Good. That's what I want."
"You do understand this cancer is notorious for being highly resistant to chemotherapy?"
"Yes." Dr Roberts sighed again.
"Alright. I'm not going to even pretend I understand what is going on in your head. You obviously are afraid of surgery, or hate it, or whatever. But I am strongly disappointed someone as experienced in medicine as you, who has seen the effects of this, are refusing what could possibly be your only hope at life. Do you understand?" JD looked up, before smiling beatifically.
"Oh, yes." He said, still smiling. He got up, brushing imaginary dirt from his lap. "If you don't mind, I'll be leaving."
"Okay Dr Dorian. We'll talk more. Same time, next week?"
"Sounds okay."
"And may I suggest you see a counsellor?"
"Sounds awful."
"Just once?" Dr Roberts asked, almost begging. She pushed her long red hair back from her face. "Please?" JD screwed his face up.
"Alright. Just once. Now, I really have to go."
"Of course." JD walked towards the exit, before pausing and turning around.
"Oh, and Dr Roberts?" The woman's deep green eyes flickered upwards. "Not a word to Sacred Heart?"
"Certainly. Hippocratic oath, remember?"
"Thank god, that's a huge relief. I couldn't stand them worrying about me. I'll be fine, yeh?" The smile returned, even wider than before. She smiled too. It was impossible not to.
"Goodbye Dr Roberts."
"Dr Dorian." She nodded. He walked out, still yelling back to her.
"I'll be fine! I'm perfect, yeh? I can beat anything!" She smiled. She'd never met a man so optimistic about his own downfall.
JD shut the door behind him and let his mask fall. His face crumpled and tears ran down his cheeks. He raked his hands through his hair. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
"So. Tell me more about yourself."
"What's to tell? I'm a thirty year old man with an old man's cancer. I'm a doctor, I work at Sacred Heart. I'm just me." The other man leant forwards slightly.
"You work at Sacred Heart?" the psychiatrist asked.
"That's what I said, isn't it?" JD said, annoyed. He did not want to be here. Or anywhere near here.
"But you were sent to me from St Giles hospital. You went there to be treated?"
"It would seem so." JD said, leaning back and suddenly finding his fingers very interesting.
"Why didn't you just go to Sacred Heart?"
"I dunno." He lied.
"You're lying!"
"Am not." He lied.
"Yes, I'm afraid you are." JD stood up suddenly.
"No, I'm the one that's afraid! I don't want my friends to see me like this. I've never been ill like this before, which I'm pretty damn glad for. They shouldn't worry about me."
"You're also afraid of appearing vulnerable or weak to those stronger than you." Dr Jones said, leaning back and looking bored. JD stared.
"Oh my god, Turk was right! You people are demons! Get out of my head!" JD scrambled away, before falling backwards off the chair. He stayed lying on the carpet, deciding it was comfier anyway.
"I'm also guessing it's one person you especially don't want to see you like this. Someone older? Wiser? Probably another doctor. Your attending." JD's jaw dropped open.
"Wow." Was all he could say. "Are you a mind reader too?" Dr Jones laughed.
"No, I just read this." He held up a piece of paper. On it, in scribbled writing, was about everything Dr Jones had just said.
"That's my diary!"
"I imagine it is."
"How dare you?"
"I found it on the ground. I didn't know it was yours!"
"It says 'Love, JD' at the bottom!"
"Well I had to read the rest first! Plus, why do you sign off a diary entry with 'love'?"
"I'm leaving." JD declared.
"Okey dokey. But JD-"
"Doctor Dorian."
"Doctor Dorian. Can you just do one thing for me?" JD groaned.
"Fine! Anything to let me go faster."
"May I suggest you make a list of ten regrets?" JD blinked.
"What?"
"It's something I advise all seriously ill patients. If there's a chance you could die, make a list of ten things you'll regret not doing. Settling down, starting a family. That kind of stuff."
"Fine. Can I go now?" JD asked sulkily. Dr Jones nodded, and JD practically sprinted out of the office.
Turk swore slightly as he listened to the rings. He was getting very bored. This was his third attempt at getting through to JD. He looked at his watch again. Wednesday, 21:34. Only half nine. JD should be in. He was about to give up when there was a crackle from the other end.
"Hello?" JD asked.
"Vanilla bear!" Turk cried, delighted. He hadn't thought the other man was going to pick up. "Where'd ya go today?"
"Um….praying."
"You, in a church?"
"Um, I meant singing."
"You, singing?"
"I was singing in a church! That's it, gospel choir."
"You, in a g-"
"I happen to like all the clapping!" Turk chuckled slightly.
"Okay, Vanilla Bear." Carla's voice rang through the apartment.
"Turk, honey? Could you come here for a minute?"
"That was Carla, JD. Gotta hang up. Sorry."
"It's okay, Brown Bear. Bye."
"Bye."
Turk wandered through. "What's up, baby?"
"Not much." She said. "Just feeling a bit sick."
"So?" Turk asked.
"And I feel really tired."
"So?"
"And my boobs feel bigger?"
"Really?" Turk asked gleefully.
"TURK! I might be pregnant…." Turk stared.
"No way…."
"You're right, no way. I already did the test, didn't I Izzy? And it was negative." Turk let out a breath.
"That was mean, woman!"
"It'll teach you to pay more attention to me! And don't you dare 'woman' me!" Eep, Turk thought. Carla's getting angry…best completely change the subject.
"I'm worried about JD." He said suddenly.
"Bambi? Why?" She asked, distracted.
"I called him up to ask where he was an he sounded pretty flustered."
"Where did he say he was?"
"Gospel choir. Apparently he 'likes the clapping'."
"Sounds like our JD."
"I know, but I don't think that's where he was…"
"Best leave it. He's our friend. We gotta believe him."
"Okay." Turk said uncertainly. "But I'm still worried…"
"Well," Carla said, her tone suddenly seductive. "Let me….distract you." Turk's eyes lit up and he stalked over, grinning insanely. He reached in for a kiss, which Carla dodged.
"Someone's gullible tonight." She remarked, picking up Izzy and walking into the kitchen with her.
"Damn!" Turk yelled, slamming the table.
"Damn!" JD yelled, for a different reason entirely. He was halfway through this stupid 'Ten Regrets' list, and he was stuck.
"Well…" he thought. "I have always wondered whether you can actually hitch a lift in a kangaroos pouch…" He scribbled down "Never went to Australia." He added another one he had just thought of, then looked at the five things he had down so far. God, this list is depressing, he thought, sighing. Then a smile lit up his face and he scribble down two more. Eight down, two to go. He sighed again before closing his eyes and writing down two more things. He knew he would have to write them, but he didn't really like them being on paper. He picked up the piece of paper, and read it to himself.
Ten Regrets
1: Never got married
2: Never fell properly, totally, head-over-heels in love
3: Never had kids
4: Never perfected victory dance
5: Never went to Australia
6: Never learned to like Scotch
7: Never punched Dan for annoying me
8: Never punched Keith for being- well, Keith
9: Never 'came out of the closet'
10: Never told Dr Cox I –
The rest of the last one was scribbled out.