You can't stop the thoughts from cascading over you as you know what needs to be done, but you can't stop the pain that kills you when you know what he'll say.
Based off the end of 1x08 London Calling
-disclaimer-
It downright hurts. When you're with the guy you love and see him with the mother of his child and they look like a family, and when he comforts her and you have to stand there, because you don't want to lose him. But sometimes the feeling gets to be too much and you have to cry yourself to sleep, and can't even answer him when he asks what is wrong because you don't want to fight because it seem like that all you've been doing. But you can't help feeling like the other woman again, after his first wife and now you feel it, and you can't stop it.
And when you see him, with the mother smiling down as he hugs his child to go back home with you, you know there are only two choices, an ultimatum. But you don't want to do it, because you're afraid if you do that he'll never come back, so you try to stay quiet, but you are hurting and it will keep popping up, and you'll think about him every day wondering if he is thinking of you, and you'll fear for his safety, and you'll kill for another moment with him, as your techie keeps an eye out for him.
Your missions will become riskier because you'll have nothing to lose, because you don't have anyone left, you don't have any reason to stay, because you already know what he'll choose. So you stop walking away from the pain, and you stop walking until he notices and turns around. At first you can't face him, can't look at him, but sooner or even sooner you'll have to so he knows that his words are piercing you and you understand, but he doesn't know what will happen to you if you lose him, and if this is it, then it has to be. You can't deal with disappointment and you can't handle being a complication. And that's what you see yourself as, so you make the decision, and it will give him what he needs, and you will die everyday but be happy knowing that he is figuring things out.
You give him the choice, because you can't hold back anymore, you're done biting your tongue, and the words come cascading out. You want to yell at him, make him see you are hurting so much every time you see them- all three of them- together, but you stay calm.
"No, because that's not my only choice," You listen as he says exactly what you know he will say. You want , so badly, to tell him okay and keep walking. But you can't deal with the pain and you're fighting all the time and you bicker and give silent treatments constantly. He is perfect for you, in every way, and he even though he said you were. You don't know anymore because you can't see the love at the moment. So, maybe it's time for a break, maybe it's time to count your losses.
You kiss him one last time, but not on the lips, it's too painful, too personal, and you wouldn't be able to walk away. You want your knight in bent, bloody, damaged armor—because the knight in shining armor never does anything, but he isn't yours to own, not now. And as you walk away, you can't stop the tears, and the sobbing wreaking your chest. You have to cry it all out, and you have to withstand the loneliness as it fills you up second-by-every-damn-rushing-second.
And when you walk away, you're hoping he comes after you so you don't have to do the impossible. And it kills you when you know he isn't because he knows the truth to your words, and agrees. So when you head home, and your techie asks you wants wrong, and you can't answer because you start crying again, you rush to room bedroom and act like a teenager, throwing yourself on the bed and cry. Because you've lost the one thing that mattered most, and it's heartbreaking when you realize that if you didn't do it, you would have lost him anyways.
So the next day, you get ready and go sit at your desk and as you sit down, you slip back into Nikita mode. "Birkoff, it's time we do something about that senator," You say, as you get on the black box files, digging up everything you can, and he agrees, because this is just what Nikita does. Because in this line of work there are no happy endings and thinking of that beach house in Bora-Bora, you know you'll never reach it, because it doesn't even look happy anymore.
PoetWITHOUTaCause: On my profile page, there are two links and one is to my fanfiction tumbllr where I'll post previews to storys, storys I like, pictures that go with outfits or things in the story, so you can check that out, then my normal tumblr is there also, and it just random stuff :)