Hey all, I previously wrote this fic quite a while back, but I decided to make certain changes to it and added Zaeed into the story, hope you enjoy the new edition of Fornax Misadventures!
Also, I would LOVE for suggestions of the most horrible/funniest/lamest pornographic FORNAX TITLES you can think of, so I can make these guys writhe in agony watching them! No summaries, just a title would do, and I'll pick out whichever I think is the best!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the mass effect series, and if I did, I would force the characters to watch horrible pornography every night.
So, after saving the galaxy from a certain doom at the wrath of collecters, the crew from Normandy got their well-deserved break. Joker is seen walking around limping and snooping around Mordin's lab, apparently searching for something.
CHAPTER 1 - INTERSPECIES VIDEOS
JOKER: Ah great here it is! *grabs a video from the shelf and looks at it for a few seconds* Heh, this is gonna be interesting for the rest of the guys to watch!
(15 minutes later, Jacob, Thane, Garrus, and Grunt is seen waiting at the table of the crewdeck)
JACOB: (just arrived) Huh. What are you guys doing here?
GARRUS: Joker messaged me, Thane and Grunt to meet him here. I think he wanted to invite us for..I don't know. Good thing I was just taking a break from calibrating too.
ZAEED: (enters and notice everyone sitting in one room) Huh? What the hell is this? AN INTERVENTION?
(all stares at Zaeed for a few seconds)
GARRUS: No Zaeed, we wouldn't think of trying to intervene an upstanding member like yourself.
ZAEED: Oh that's good, if this was an intervention for me I swear somebody is gonna lose a limb.
(all stares at Zaeed again for a few seconds, then Thane cuts in)
THANE: Anyways, It seems like a good opportunity to take a break too. With the defeat of the coll-
GRUNT: You talk too much drell, sheesh where is that weak, boneless human? He better not keep me waiting!
THANE: *softly* Krogans are so impatient.
GARRUS: Tell me about it.
JOKER: (finally arrives) Ah, my bros! Sorry for the delay, had a hard time moving from place to place with bones like mine!
JACOB: Yeah, don't worry bout it man. So, what did you invite us here for?
JOKER: Listen guys, since we have all the free time to relax now, I thought we could watch this awesome shit! *hands a vid to Jacob*
JACOB: What the fu-
GARRUS: Woah Joker, that is one nasty video you've gotten. "FORNAX XXX volume XII"?
ZAEED: Joker! I wouldn't have thought you'd had the balls to actually invite all the guys to watch porno! ..Well, colour me impress!
JOKER: I just picked it up from Mordin's lab. No idea why the doc has so many of these! but come on guys, let's get drunk and watch this shit! We can use the crewdeck room to watch!
JACOB: Uh, Mordin keeps this?
THANE: For interspecies research, perhaps?
ZAEED: Research? Are you sure he's not some sort of closet pervert?
THANE: ..I wouldn't know Zaeed. But, well, I'll join in since there's nothing much for me to do at the life support anyways.
GRUNT: That's cause you're on life support! (everybody groans)
GARRUS: Oh dammit Grunt, that is not funny!
ZAEED: Really? I thought that was pretty clever.
JACOB: Yeah that's low, even lower when Joker tried to spy on Miranda while she's using the toilet.
JOKER: HOW THE-
THANE: That's enough. I'm fine really, don't worry about it. And Grunt that was a REALLY terrible joke.. Now, can we go back to watching the vids?
JOKER: That's the spirit Thane!
THANE: What does spirit have to do with anything?
JOKER: It's an expression, Christ!
GARRUS: Wait, isn't Grunt a bit too young for this?
GRUNT: I'm not, turian! I decide what I want to watch.
GARRUS: Alright~ Don't blame me if you get mentally scarred after this.
*Crewdeck room*
JOKER: *Switches on the video on a projector* Alright, it's on! If you need to go the toilets it's just outside!
THANE: hmm.
JACOB: Hahaha...Doubt I'll need it though. *looks at the back cover* Includes asaris, volus, drells,turians,batarians, krogans and especially humans and hanars...Huh HANAR!
THANE: I am distraught by the thought of that. Joker, I will have to apologize if I leave this room prematurely, drells have perfect memories, I don't want certain..."scenes" to be a permanent part of my memory.
JOKER: I understand Thane. Bro, you can leave whenever you want, it sucks having a perfect memory and seeing a Krogan doing THAT.
THANE: Glad to see you understand.
VIDEO: *turns on to display a warning* The sexual activities displayed here are carefully choreographed and acted. It is HIGHLY not recommended to try any of these interspecies intercourse without a trained medical profession advice.
GRUNT: *laughs* HA!
GARRUS: Why do I get a feeling I've dugged myself a hole in the ground?
ZAEED: Live a little guys! This is gonna be pretty goddamn entertaining! (drinks a bottle of beer which he took from a nearby table)
"FIRST CONTACT LOVE"
GARRUS: Man, what a title.
ZAEED: HAHA! First contact love! I can tell this is gonna be the work of a genius director!
VIDEO: (shows two couple an human female an a male turian)
GARRUS: (nervous) Oh no,no, no. Don't tell me this is going where it's going.
JACOB: Huh. Never even thought that was possible.
JOKER: Shuush you guys! Just watch!
turian: Honey babe! You're boyfriend's not here to join you today?
human female: H-he just dumped me for an asari! I can't believe this, what did I do wrong! *starts sobbing*
THANE: The acting is terrible. Unbelievable.
GRUNT: And that turian is hideous! then again, all turians are. (Garrus furrows brows angrily)
Eienn: Listen Christy honey, if you're lonely your turian friend Eienn here, is always here for you! He's got simple taste!
Christy: Eienn! (hugs then suddenly the camera cuts to them in a room)
GARRUS: Oh. That was fast.
JACOB: It is porn, what did you expect?
Christy: Eienn, I don't think I can hold it anymore, I'm so horny! Let me ride your hard manhood!
Eienn: (starts to unzip) Get ready for some hard chafing baby!
GARRUS: What. The.
(Grunt, Zaeed and Joker are laughing unstoppably at this point)
ZAEED: This is goddamn hilarious! "Time for some hard chafing baby!" HAHAHA!
JOKER: Oh man! Shepard should watch this! *Garrus coughs nervously*
THANE: ..What was Mordin on when he decided to get this for research?
GRUNT: I can't stop laughing at the sheer stupidity of this porn!
(after a few unmentionable scenes, Garrus is seen raising up one eyebrow, Thane watches it with a blank stare, Grunt, Zaeed and Joker keeps on laughing at the "scenes" , Jacob is seen facepalming and feeling uncomfortable)
MORDIN: AH! (goes in crewdeck) vids! Noticed someone in lab. Wasn't sure who, knew he wanted educational vids.
JOKER: Ah crap. Mordin!
MORDIN: Relax, know hormones and urges. Enjoy the vids, good for research. Not to mention comedic gold.
GRUNT: Yeah, Jacob was yelling things like "OH DANG, NO DAWG".
ZAEED: This is a goldmine Mordin, ya' gotta share some of these with me sometimes!
MORDIN: Will join you all for now. On a break. Need some laughter!
JOKER: Was wondering though doc, how the hell did you get hold of this?
MORDIN: Oh, free from sponsors. Apparently needed medical advice for sexually stimulating scenes. Gave them positions, erogenous zone overview, things to avoid, etc,etc.
GARRUS: Wow amazing. You seem to know a whole lot more than expected.
MORDIN: Studied in free and leisure time. interspecies intriguing, positions complex, too much problems. Still, some patients needed advise, took up time to study. Interspecies common between asaris and other species, but humans with turians, drells, quarians...even salarians a exists, so took up time to study.
JOKER: Mordin, I think I've gained new respect for you.
ZAEED: yeah, why didn't you tell us you were a sex guru? I had so many interspecies relationships I lost count!
GRUNT: Wait, are there interspecies relationship with Krogans too?
MORDIN: Krogan, yes. Common for asaris and humans to get analgesic for krogan liasons. Apparently too much for them to handle sometimes.
GRUNT: *smirks* HA!
JACOB: More than I needed to know...but thanks anyway doc.
MORDIN: Ah yes. Next scene is salarian, human and an asari.
THANE: That may be too much for my memory to handle.
MORDIN: Nothing too traumatizing for drell, Can provide sleeping pills if having hard time to sleep.
THANE: I..I'll take my chances.
"POOR LITTLE SALARIAN"
GRUNT: Poor little salarian is gon git rape!
ZAEED: Stop it Grunt, when you say it, it's actually not that funny.
GRUNT: *is slightly disappointed and sad*
(A salarian is seen carrying shopping bags with an asari and a female human, both apparently treating him like a slave.)
GRUNT: Alright! AN SM SCENE!
GARRUS: Grunt, where the hell did you learn that?
GRUNT: Oh, tank and imprinting. Some krogans apparently love this a bit too much.
JACOB: Salarian getting lucky with an asari and human female. Fornax thinks of everything..
salarian: He-hey come on don't make me carry all of this! It's too much.
asari: Shut up you pathetic excuse of a salarian! You will address to both of us as your queen! (tugs his collar hard)
human female: And love it!
MORDIN: Strangely, some salarians likes this. Not me of course, uninterested.
ZAEED: Yeah, I'm SURE you're not interested...
MORDIN: Sense sarcasm. Really Zaeed, my libido is low. REALLY LOW. Do you need explanation to salarians sexual drives and urges?
ZAEED: NOOO! Okay, Okay! I get it! No libido!
(The three then goes toward their cyber-limo, the asari drags the salarian to the back of the limo along with the human female following them)
JACOB: This smells strangely of rape.
JOKER: Yes, captain obvious.
MORDIN: Ah. the next scene is of comedic value. Has never failed for a few laughs.
GARRUS: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
Salarian: Q-queens, what are you planning to do with me? I already did your biddings!
*the two queens smirks evilly*
human female: (Takes out a ball mouthpiece) See this? This is for you.
asari: And so is this! (Takes out a whip)
Salarian: N..NOOOOOOOO!
(Garrus and Jacob is seen squirming uncomfortably on the sofa, Thane is distraught and is seen facepalming on few occassions but couldn't bring himself to leave the room, Grunt is once again laughing hard, Joker laughs at Jacob's and Garrus reactions, Mordin looks at it laughing at a few scenes, he doesn't seem to be bothered one bit on how horribly the queens had treated the salarian. Zaeed is seen drinking, and not even bothered by all the whipping taking place.)
THANE: Thank the gods that's over.
MORDIN: Met that salarian before in life. Nice kid, a bit of a masochist. Talks like that in life too.
GARRUS: You've met him! Geez, professor.
MORDIN: He's okay. Heard a lot of Krogans, asaris and even some humans were arguing on bidding him for a 'one night of fun'.
ZAEED: More like one night of glorious sexual torture.
JOKER: More than I needed to KNOW! NEXT!
"TENTACLED LOVE I"
GARRUS: YOU MEAN THERE'S PART 2!
JOKER: Seeing Tentacle on the title, I know where this is going..
(Next scene shows a hanar and an asari)
THANE: *finally stands up* Okay, I'll skip this one. Let me know when this one is done. I'll be drinking...outside. *leaves*
JOKER: Oh geez, looks like Thane finally gave up! I win Garrus!
GARRUS: ah damn. Fine! (hands in hundred credits)
MORDIN: Perfect drell memories. Understand why he left, hanar homeworld Kahje, would be too traumatizing if he keeps on thinking of this when he thinks of hanar.
ZAEED: Hah! Next time we should strap him to a chair and force him to watch all the hanar porn!
GRUNT: Geez it's just tentacles. What's there to be afraid of?
JACOB: Urgh. Alright, let's...move on with this.
hanar: This one wishes to understand the asari more. Would the asari be willing to try out something new with this one?
asari: I'm ready for anything new, my sexy tentacled love.
hanar: (slowly removes a piece of asari clothing) This one wishes to make love to the asari.
GARRUS: (facepalms) I never thought there'll be a day that I'm actually watching this.
JACOB: Don't worry bro, feeling is mutual.
JOKER: Come on stop whining! List this out as the things to watch before you die!
ZAEED: You mean you guys haven't watch this before? (everyone stares at Zaeed) Oh, buncha virgins here.
JOKER: Hey, I'm not a Virgin!
MORDIN: Joker, no shame in being one!
JOKER: You salarians will never understand! NEVER!
JACOB: How dramatic.
(After a few minutes, the scene finishes, Thane is invited back in with legion accompanying him for some reason)
JOKER: Wait, why is that robot with you?
THANE: Oh, was conversing with him about geth while you were watching hanar...porn. Apparently legion seems interested and intrigued about the whole thing.
ZAEED: You want to teach a geth about having sex?
THANE: I never said that!
LEGION: Requesting permission for invitation.
JOKER: Yeah, yeah go ahead. Just don't go around anally probing random people while you watch this. I'M SERIOUS.
LEGION: Warning noted. Will not anally probe organics.
JACOB: Uh.. Are you sure it's healthy to let a geth watch this?
LEGION: We are only here to observed organic activities and comprehend them. We do not wish to partake in any of these organic activities other than observing for the purpose of studying.
MORDIN: Ah yes. Interesting, will need to listen to your input later on.
"SPECIES OF THE CIRCLE"
GARRUS: Species of the circle?
JOKER: Probably has to do with either circle jerking or an orgy. *Garrus winces*
MORDIN: Ah yes. The male sexual practice of group masturbation.
ZAEED: What? We get to see schlongs of different races? This is no fun. I wanted more females!
(the next scene shows a batarian, drell ,salarian and a turian all encircling a human female)
JACOB: Oh hell no dawg. No no no. This is wroong!
JOKER: Woah, how is she gonna take all of that? *Jacob frowns* Uh.
MORDIN: human females quite flexible after observing this. Thought salarians were flexible enough...
LEGION: Organics have a curious mating habit. They have different mating rituals, we have seen between 2 organics mating and 20 organics mating simultaneously at the same time. We do not comprehend the increasing numbers. *Garrus laughs nervously*
batarian: So guys, this human thinks breaking in our territory is a good idea? Whaddya reckon we do with her?
human female: I-I'm sorry I didnt mean to come here! I was lost on the way and- (turian wraps a tape around her mouth to shut her up)
drell: Well..We haven't had a female company for awhile.
THANE: *shakes head* This video makes my head hurt.
Salarian: I'm just gonna be here...you guys enjoy.
GRUNT and JOKER: *laughs*
THANE: That seems to be the only respectable character here.
ZAEED: He's the voyeur in this show. How is that respectable!
(After a few sexual scenes, the ending ends with the undercover STG salarian killing the rest of the characters and saving the female human)
Salarian: I killed them for you! Now both of us can escape, human!
female human: T-thank you, you saved my life, Now I can repay you!
(They both kissed and have sex, the end.)
GARRUS: She ended sexing up with a salarian! AN STG SALARIAN AT THAT!
JACOB: Fornax has bizarre plot twist.
MORDIN: What, why? Just cause he's a salarian?
JACOB: Uh no not that, I mean it was unexpected, but it WAS a happy ending. I just thought that she'd end up with the drell or something.
JOKER: Fornax, *wipes a tear* How do YOU come up with this stuff?
LEGION: Does not compute. Salarian could have saved the human earlier but chooses to wait till the last moment. Explain.
GRUNT: Cause it's PORN. Dramatic porn. That's why! *Legion tilts head in confusion*
ZAEED: The less you know the better, Legion.
(Next scene is a krogan and an asari..and a volus and a human)
SHEPARD: (unexpectedly comes in the crewdeck and notices the porn) ..Oh. I see, so instead of doing something productive this is how you guys spend your time? EDI was right.
GARRUS: AH Shepard! This was Joker's idea! (Garrus along with everyone else points at Joker, even Mordin)
JOKER: Aw man! You guys suck!
SHEPARD: Ah hell,I'll forgive you this time guys. But seriously Mordin, those videos have terrible plots.
MORDIN: Agreed! I have interspecies films that may pique your interest better Shepard!
SHEPARD: haha, thanks. Guess I'll go back to...grabbing something to eat. Enjoy, men! (leaves)
JOKER: Whew, thought she was gonna wringe my neck.
JACOB: Ah speaking of Shepard, Is she still hitch to that Kaiden dude?
MORDIN: Body language perceives that she is available at the moment. But can't be sure, need to study female human body languages more.
GARRUS: I was there in horizon! I'm sure he totally kicked her out. What an ass, he doesn't deserve a woman of this caliber!
JOKER: Oh well well, Garrus. Seems like your overprotecting her a bit, aren't you?
GARRUS: She's my commander and the woman who preserve peace in the galaxy. You MUST have a certain respect for a woman like that.
ZAEED: Either that or your just wanna get in her pants. *Garrus stares at Zaeed angrily*
GRUNT: Disgusting, are you guys gay or something? She's my battlemaster and some female krogan has requested breeding requests from her!
THANE: I would be surprised if that doesn't resort in any reproduction.
LEGION: Shepard-commander is highly popular with many different species. Mating requests seems to be increasing.
MORDIN: Amazing pheromones. Should study and observe her on free time.
JACOB: doctor, isn't that like..Creepy for her?
MORDIN: for Science! nothing creepy about that! Also noticed her interest for me, keeps visiting.
GARRUS: What are you talking about? She visits everyone!
MORDIN: Yes, particularly me. Perhaps human attraction to skin tone? Hmm curious.
THANE: *whispers to Garrus and the rest* Let the doctor keep his ego.
JACOB: Yeah, that's for the best.
End of chapter 1!
Remember, if you liked it please review!
And again, if you'd like to take part I would LOVE for suggestions of the most horrible/funniest/lamest pornographic FORNAX TITLES you can think of. No summaries, just a title would do, and I'll pick out whichever I think is the best!