"From the Cutting Room Floor"
SchizoAuthoress had been on a trip to Hollywood when they were done filming the first "Harry Potter"
movie. She found a reel of film in the garbage dumpster, which contained outtakes
and 'improvements' originally made on the script of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" that
were thankfully dropped. They are as follows.
1. *Flashback to the night Harry's parents were killed*
[EXT. The Potter house. A hand moving forward to grab the front doorknob.]
VOLDEMORT: Heeeeeere's Voldie!
WORMTAIL: Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMBLE!!
****
2. [INT. Hogwarts castle. The staircase to the main dining hall.]
DRACO: So it's true. The famous Harry Potter has finally come to Hogwarts. [moves over to
Harry] The name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
[The James Bond theme starts up in the background]
****
3. [EXT. Hogwarts castle. Draco is on a broom, holding Neville's Remembrall]
[Harry gets on his broom and flies up to Draco.]
HARRY: Give it back Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!
DRACO: You want it so badly Potter? Go fetch it!
[Draco throws the Remembrall. Harry goes after it.]
[INT. Prof. McGonagall's office. Out the window, we see Harry speeding toward the Remebrall.]
HARRY: Oh, shit!
[Harry crashes through the window and lands in the desk.]
MCGONAGALL: Oh my good heavens!
[McGonagall falls off her chair in a dead faint.]
****
4. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban. He throws off the last wrap witha flourish and hits Harry in the face.]
HARRY: You bloody stupid prat, watch what you're doing!
****
5. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban.]
[As Voldemort's face is shown in the Mirror, Harry waves his wand.]
[Chumbawumba's "Tubthumpin'" starts playing.]
VOLDEMORT: That's so inappropriate.
HARRY: But it fits you so well. [sings] "I get knocked down, but I get up again/You're never gonna keep me down"
QUIRRELL: He has a point. And it is by a British band.
HARRY: Maybe you would prefer Coldplay?
****
END REEL
Note: I tried to keep the script as close as I could remeber...
I don't own Harry Potter, ect.
This is all a work of fiction.
If you take it seriously...well, then, I really pity you.
SchizoAuthoress had been on a trip to Hollywood when they were done filming the first "Harry Potter"
movie. She found a reel of film in the garbage dumpster, which contained outtakes
and 'improvements' originally made on the script of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" that
were thankfully dropped. They are as follows.
1. *Flashback to the night Harry's parents were killed*
[EXT. The Potter house. A hand moving forward to grab the front doorknob.]
VOLDEMORT: Heeeeeere's Voldie!
WORMTAIL: Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMBLE!!
****
2. [INT. Hogwarts castle. The staircase to the main dining hall.]
DRACO: So it's true. The famous Harry Potter has finally come to Hogwarts. [moves over to
Harry] The name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
[The James Bond theme starts up in the background]
****
3. [EXT. Hogwarts castle. Draco is on a broom, holding Neville's Remembrall]
[Harry gets on his broom and flies up to Draco.]
HARRY: Give it back Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your broom!
DRACO: You want it so badly Potter? Go fetch it!
[Draco throws the Remembrall. Harry goes after it.]
[INT. Prof. McGonagall's office. Out the window, we see Harry speeding toward the Remebrall.]
HARRY: Oh, shit!
[Harry crashes through the window and lands in the desk.]
MCGONAGALL: Oh my good heavens!
[McGonagall falls off her chair in a dead faint.]
****
4. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban. He throws off the last wrap witha flourish and hits Harry in the face.]
HARRY: You bloody stupid prat, watch what you're doing!
****
5. [INT. The chamber holding the Mirror of Esired. Prof. Quirrell is on the right, Harry to his left.]
QUIRRELL: But, Master! You are not strong enough!
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I am strong enough for this...Show me the boy!
[Quirrel, his back to the Mirror, begins unwrapping his turban.]
[As Voldemort's face is shown in the Mirror, Harry waves his wand.]
[Chumbawumba's "Tubthumpin'" starts playing.]
VOLDEMORT: That's so inappropriate.
HARRY: But it fits you so well. [sings] "I get knocked down, but I get up again/You're never gonna keep me down"
QUIRRELL: He has a point. And it is by a British band.
HARRY: Maybe you would prefer Coldplay?
****
END REEL
Note: I tried to keep the script as close as I could remeber...
I don't own Harry Potter, ect.
This is all a work of fiction.
If you take it seriously...well, then, I really pity you.