Title: When Moving on Means Something Different
Disclaimer: No matter how badly I would like to own Castle I don't. No copyright infringement intended.
A/N I've often wondered what it was like to go through the night after the big fight in Always, alone with their thoughts. This is my take on it.
More A/N This is an edit of the original posting from a few weeks ago. I wasn't happy with the story as it was so, I sought out a Beta, and I would like to thank the very lovely Dmarx for the help and encouragement.
He leans heavily against the outside of Kate's apartment. His hands are shaking, heart pounding, and he wants so badly to turn around, walk back into her apartment, and tell her that no matter what, he will not let it happen again. He would grab her up and haul her out of the country himself, take her anywhere he had to, to keep them from killing her. But the only thing that is going to happen is that Kate Beckett is going to do everything he tried so hard to stop her from doing. She's going to walk right into their trap. They will be waiting for her, and they will kill her.
And Rick Castle knows he can't do it again. He won't sit in the back of an ambulance again and watch her. It would kill him too. But no matter how much he loves Kate Beckett, he's not going to put himself through that again. And he's not going to do that to his family again either.
So he starts walking. Rick knows it is twenty blocks from Kate's apartment to his loft. The last time he walked it, he was angry too. It was the occasion of their last big fight. Kate didn't listen to him that time either, and it nearly cost her her life. It certainly cost Roy Montgomery his. But by all good reckoning, Rick supposes it cost them a year that they likely would have been together. Because after the fight came Roy's death, her shooting, and the subsequent three month silence, followed by months of keeping the truth from him. The truth that she knows he loves her.
Today may have started out a beautiful spring day, but now he doesn't remember or care if it was. He just feels footfall after footfall. It's the only thing he wants to feel, really. It's helping him to not think so hard about what just happened. It breaks his heart that she's so angry with him, but he would do it all again. Anything to keep her safe. Even if it meant nine months thinking she didn't remember he loves her, two and a half months thinking she heard him but she doesn't love him back, and two weeks of hope.
So he walks. All through the walk he can't stop rehashing the fight. The secrets. The shooting. The last four years. He never meant for this to get so out of control. He just knew after he met Kate that he couldn't just turn and walk away from her. Even if she hadn't challenged him by saying, "You have no idea." But now it's all over and so is the walk. He's made it home to the loft and now he's going to make his focus Alexis. This was supposed to be her time anyway and he is so proud of her. She's the valedictorian of her class, and he couldn't be more proud.
As Rick finally enters the loft he realizes there is only one thing he can do now. Move on. No matter how much it hurts. He knows it's gonna hurt. Sooner or later, there will come a knock on his door and that will be it. Kate will be gone and he won't be able to do one goddamn thing to stop it. It was finally feeling like he was getting the pieces of his broken heart cobbled back together after last summer, and after Kate's revelation during the bombing investigation. Well, that's never gonna happen again. The only thing that will shred his heart any worse than it is now, will be when he finds out the inevitable. But he can't. He can't watch it happen all over again.
Rick walks to the bookshelf where Alexis' cap and gown hang, waiting for her to slip on before graduation tomorrow.
"Is everything OK, Dad?."
"Yeah, fine. How is your speech coming?" asks Rick
Alexis replies, "I have watched or read every graduation address ever written. And compiled all the best advice into one speech. And then I read it out loud. And guess what I sounded like? Like a pompous ass. I'm 18 years old. What the hell do I know?"
Rick reaches out and takes Alexis into his embrace. "Hey, look, everything you know, everything you will know, is what's true for you" Rick says while knowing the truth he's living right now isn't anything like he was wanting for it to be.
"All I know is, everything's changing, Everything's going to be different, and I'm so scared," she admits as tears glisten in her eyes.
"Of what?"
"Moving on."
"You're right about that. That feels true"
Of course at that moment, Alexis has no idea how scared Rick really is.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
The door is pulled shut. It's not a gentle pull, nor is it slammed shut. He shuts it just forcefully enough that Kate knows he means business. Kate knows that Rick Castle has just walked out of her life for good. She has no reason to believe he'll ever be back. She finally pushed him too far.
It's killing her already.
She wants to pick up the glass off her counter and send it smashing into the wall. But no, all she can think right now is how much she loves him, and how much she hates him. Two days ago, everything was finally starting to go in the right direction. Kate finally thought she was ready to get on with things and this time let Rick know how she really feels. How much she loved him. Loved. Past tense. Who is she kidding? She knows now, she will never stop loving Richard Castle.