Dear Ennis,

You may perhaps be surprised by this letter, since we generally use postcards, but after our last meeting, friend, I have some things to say which are not to be read by any eyes except for yours.

You may perhaps wonder whether I am angry or bitter following our last conversation, but I assure you, friend, that I am not. When the walls came down, and I saw you exposed in this way, the hurt I have laid upon you and others by insisting that we maintain this relationship, I saw the man behind the mask, it made me love you even more.

Yes, I love you Ennis Del Mar. That was the one thing I did and could not tell you earlier. That was what I left unsaid but I am saying it now. That was what I meant when I said that you would never know the rest.

It was not so in the beginning when we were young men and had the world at our feet. Indeed, I did not quite know what to make of you when we began our summer up on Brokeback, You were a man of blaring contradictions. How you could thrust into me and then tell me you are not gay, hold me tightly one minute and tell me you are still getting married in the next breath was beyond me. My heart was yours, there for the taking, but you stomped on it and threw it away. The hardest thing I ever had to do was drive away the day we parted and leave you in the dust.

Do not think, however, that I could blame or hate you for choosing Alma instead of me. What could I offer aside from a lifetime of shame and guilt? The plan with Alma was safe, secure and completely thought through.

I travelled for two years before meeting my wife and settling down with Lurlynn. Even then, sitting with her in the hospital after she gave birth to our son and gazing down on his dark hair so much like mine, something seemed off somehow, even though I could not even see it back then. I would think about you everyday and finally, after four years, I decided to send you a postcard as I was coming up to Wyoming to see the folks. I can still remember the day I received your response, your genuine smile as you saw me pull up and exclaimed my name. The kiss you gave me afterwards told me everything you never would.

I, in my innocence, believed that perhaps we might be together after all. Husbands leave their wives all the time, do they not? It is nothing new in the history of mankind. I can remember that evening by the fire when you crushed all my hopes, destroyed my dreams when you told me all we could ever be was fuck buddies. You may ask in return why I agreed to the arrangement when I knew the terms of the contract. Because I loved you, that was why. That was also the reason I drove like a maniac up to Wyoming when I heard about the divorce. You were cold, and with a look back at your daughters you shrugged off my hand on your neck and left me without a second glance. I cried like a pussy all the way down to Mexico. I needed alcohol, the illusion of freedom, the touch of someone on my skin. Can you therefore blame me for finding someone else?

Before we had that argument, you confessed to me that you had met someone else, a woman called Cassie. That night I stayed awake and looked down upon you as you slept, wondering whether you would like what you see when you awoke? Or would you rather wish that it was someone else?

It was only through the spat that I realized how much this thing between us has affected us. It has altered us, changed us permanently. It had come to the point where I was not sure whether the next kiss would be our last because it seemed like it had all burned down to ash. In the next minute I held you as you clung to me and it seemed like the fires were still burning even brighter then before. Brokeback got us good.

Now it has become a shadow through which no sun no longer shines, and therefore I have come to believe that the prize we pay is too high. I am therefore releasing you from any imagined promises or ties you have developed for me. I want to release you before you grow to hate me more then you already do. I heard from your words the anger you bear towards me, how different your life would have been if it had not been for me. Therefore, I am done fighting or aiding destiny and allowing you to take whichever course your heart desires. I shall no longer be there on the sidelines waiting for you to smile towards me.

I sincerely hope that the life you have chosen is free from regrets and that the ghosts of the past do not haunt you like they do me. I wish you happiness in the choice you have made in life; to put duty above love and passion. I pray that your dreams will shine brightly and will not fade like mine did.

My mama once told me that if you love something, you must let it go. Therefore, I am doing that, giving you that gift. Pray, do not waste it.

Your friend,

Jack