Author Note: Crack-ish. Green is speaking everywhere but at the beginning messages and the ending. The guidelines say minor course language, so I've outed the more explicit curses (fine by me).
-Green's Seven Point Training Guide of SUPER-DUPER AWESOMENESS-
(The following message should be read very fast): FBI WARNING: FEDERAL LAW PROVIDES SEVERE AND CRIMINAL PENALTIES FOR THE UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION, DISTRIBUTION, OR EXHIBITION OF COPYRIGHTED MOTION PICTURES, VIDEO TAPE, OR VIDEO DISCS. CRIMINAL COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI AND MAY CONSTITUTE A FELONY WITH A MAXIMUM PENALTY OF UP TO FIVE YEARS IN PRISON AND/OR A $250,000 FINE.
NOTICE: THIS LECTURE SERIES WAS INTENDED TO BE LONGER. BELIEVE US, IT WAS.
NOTICE: IN ORDER TO PROTECT OUR YOUNGER AUDIENCE'S INNOCENCE, WE HAVE BLEEPED OUR STAR'S MOUTH ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS. THANK YOU.
Introduction:
...Did you seriously just put on this tape? Are you really going to watch this piece of garbage? Seriously?! Are you kidding? Do you not have a life or something?! I mean- huh? Wait, someone's talking to me...
...Hey, I'm your host you stupid little clipboard weenie! I can say whatever the hell I want, got it?
What? Don't say hell? Oh, don't you like hell?
Well then, since you don't like hell, maybe you'd like (beep!)! Well? Do you like (beep!), then? No? Well then how about (beep!)? And (beep!)! Even (beep!) (beep!) (beep!) and (beep!) Oh, and don't forget (beep!)!
And just for the record, I can think of ANYTHING I'd rather be doing than filming this piece of trash! I must be poor beyond measure to agree to help you idiots do this! Which is probably the proper scenario I must admit... That cheap freakin' Pokemon League pays Gym Leaders squat... Sigh...
...Oh well... Doesn't matter... I can't really complain I guess, as you buying this stupid thing is paying my bills...
Alright, um... Hold on, I have to read from this script somewhere here... ...Ugh, where'd I put that stinking paper? ...Um... Ah! Here... Uh, okay... Um... Ahem, I'm going to give you the secret to training your Pokemon to be unbeatable!
...Huh? Wait, why... what the he- no I'm not! What the (beep!) is this thing talking about?! I don't have the secret to training unbeatable Pokemon! ...And even if I did, why the hell would I give you - who obviously has no life if you're watching this trash - the secret anyway?! 'Cause you bought a TAPE? Give it to you, my behind! Garbage! This entire stupid thing is just stupid, utter garbage! I'm moving on, let's get this stupid training guide thing over with so I can get paid and get back to my life!
Training secret 1: Unconditional Love for your Pokemon!
I'm rolling my eyes now in case you don't know. Sigh... okay... So I guess that means... you should treat your Pokemon well, even when they disappoint you and are bad... Alright, not a bad point I suppose... Heh, though of course, if you're like me and actually DISCIPLINE your Pokemon, they don't do bad stuff. Now I guess we should be moving on, so- huh? Why is that cameraman waving at me...? Uh, cut! Cut! I have to go for a sec...
-Several Minutes of Dead Silence Later-
...Okay, I'm back, geez, that stupid Charizard! The minute I turn my back it always starts chewing on the stupid furniture... I don't know why the hell it needs to chew on the sofa of all things, but whatever. I mean, I told it "No" a million times, but it still keeps- huh? What we're on?! AGH! W-Warn me next time moron! And I told you to cut you imbecile! Why I ought to- what? We're still on...? Oh... uh... Ahem, eheheh... sorry... Um, moving on I guess...
Training Secret 2: Give you're Pokemon Lots and Lots and Lots and LOTS of Vitamins, Minerals, and Medicines!
...What the hell are they trying to make you do, make you overdose your Pokemon?! What the hell kind of a stupid title is that anyway?! What morons I have to work with! Sigh... anyway, uh, I guess my suggestion on this subject is that you shouldn't neglect the needs of your Pokemon, particularly medical ones, because you then - of course - end up with a dead Pokemon. Oh, and make sure you always feed them their proper amount of vitamins. I definitely cannot emphasize nor stress that enough - give them the PROPER amount - don't take the advice of the idiot who wrote this stupid script and shove a bottle of pills down your Pokemon's throat every time they sneeze! Because all you end up with is yet again, a dead Pokemon, and Yellow suing your butt on some sort of grounds of neglect! So unless you've got tons of dough lying around to spend on a lawyer, don't mind having to get a new Pokemon, and don't care if Yellow claws your eyes out, always remember "Less is more", when dishing out anything that contains a type of medicine to your Pokemon!
Training Secret 3: Feed your Pokemon Healthy Snacks to Help them grow Big and Strong!
Is this a training guide, or some stupid cheap cartoon for toddlers?! Everybody who's not an idiot knows to feed their Pokemon foods that won't kill them! Apparently, the morons who wrote my dumb script are stupider than I thought!
Look, I'm not gonna take this, I'm taking five, and I'm spending it eating lots and lots and lots and LOTS of trans fats! That's right, good, yummy, unhealthy TRANS FATS!
Training Secret 4: Encourage your Pokemon whenever Possible!
...And we're back... ...And I am yet again enraged that they are trying to get you to spoil your Pokemon! Encourage your Pokemon whenever possible, my flipping butt! You're not going to get anywhere or win any battles with Pokemon that are as pampered and powdered as freakin' babies! You don't need to encourage your Pokemon, they need to suck it up, get off their pity pots and- huh? Ugh, it's that director again... What...? ...What do you mean, "Get off your soap box"? Do you wanna start something buster?! Eh?!
-After a Brutal, Bloody Brawl-
Alright, I have successfully beaten that director senseless, got a blood transfusion, a cast for my arm, and the kidney may just make it after all, so I think I'm ready for another one.
Training Secret 5: Always Model Good Behavior for your Pokemon and Show them Proper Manners (Unlike Certain Insensitive Cretans who Beat up Perfectly Good Directors for No Reason)!
...I'm not even gonna answer that... ...Oh what the heck, yes I am... DIE DIRECTOR!
-After another Brutal and Bloody Brawl-
Training Secret 6: Sharpen your Pokemon's Intelligence Daily!
Bad news about the kidney... But uh, never mind that now... So the title of this Training Secret is... huh? Are you kidding me? What do they want you to do? Hand the daily crossword puzzle from the paper off to your Pikachu each morning?! Give it a weekly mathematics test, and by-weekly grammar lessons? Oh but you're getting ahead of yourself of course, because before the grammar lessons you'd have to teach them how to read and speak freakin' English! So, yet another completely STUPID suggestion! ...And why would you even NEED to smarten your Pokemon up in the first place?! As long as it can fight, who CARES?!
-After Subduing Green and Letting him Cool for Awhile-
Training Secret 7: Practice with your Pokemon Daily!
No! I never would have thought of that myself! I always thought that when I caught my Pidgy, since it was at level 2, it was obviously ready to battle Red at the Pokemon League! This may explain why I lost! NO FREAKIN' KIDDING!
Ending:
So Green then had a stress stroke and was admitted to the hospital for three weeks. His health was restored after three months, and then decided to try to impart his extensive Pokemon knowledge on children instead. But that's another story.
Author Note: My first (and quite possibly only,) all dialogue. Now I'm not trying to be an annoying noob who wants special treatment, and for you to "plz b nice"; I just would like some criticism of my work. Thank you.