I do not own Star Trek: The Next Generation (Except, perhaps, in an alternate reality where pigs can fly.)
*****************************************************************************
Jean-Luc Picard was nervous, and rightfully so. He was about to play host to the Char. They were a very strict and rigid species: They were the Char, their language was also called "the Char", their homeworld was "the Char", everything was either "the Char", or "Not the Char." No exception. The last time the United Federation of Planets had attempted speaking to them, their ambassador had unintentionally insulted them by referring to their species as Charians, instead of "the Char." Big mistake.
Picard wanted desperately for this time to be different. They had agreed to meet with the United Federation of Planets if the U.S.S. Enterprise hosted the occasion. They had heard of the famous flagship and wanted to see if it was all that they'd heard it was. Picard tried desperately to see that it exceeded their expectations. He studied every bit of information on them that he could to make sure he wouldn't make the same mistake that the previous ambassador had, but he had so little to go on. He tugged at the front of his uncomfortable dress uniform, pacing back and forth in front of the teleporter.
Riker was equally nervous. The Char did not believe in small talk in any way, shape, or form. They literally did not speak to you unless they had something to say, and found small talk to be perplexing and insulting. Riker understood why they would find it unreasonable and wasteful, but he still could not find it within himself to break his own habits. Riker was, after all, a master of small talk. It was how he accomplished speaking to pretty much everyone he met.
"Ready when you are, sir," O'Brien said.
Picard nodded to him reluctantly and said, "Energize."
The Char ambassador and her aides appeared, looking disoriented. The Char had teleporters, but very rarely used them on living creatures. They believed it was detrimental to the soul after a period of time. Picard wondered briefly if they might be right.
"Ambassador Kanu," Picard smiled broadly. "So nice to meet you. I am Jean-Luc Picard, and this is Commander Riker."
He kept introductions as short as he could, leaving out all the "on behalf of the United Federation of Planets…" etc.
"Please take us to your meeting room," Kanu said. She did not introduce her aides.
Picard led the way without another word. He did not take offense to her abrupt fashion, as he had prepared himself for it, but he was still a little bit daunted. Everything rested on his shoulders. Picard steeled himself for the task.
He lead the way to the Ready Room, Riker taking up the rear. Ambassador Kanu had requested a small audience for the meeting; herself, two aides, Captain Picard, and one officer or Federation Ambassador of his choosing. She had given him ample time to find a proper spokesperson, but Picard still felt the most comfortable with Number One at his side.
Ambassador Kanu would never tell him so, but she was far more nervous than he was. She knew these Federation people were fancy talkers and had many, many social customs that were required just to say "hello" to another person. She had studied as much as she could, but there was very little information made available to her about the Federation. She had been assured that Picard was the best and would make every effort to make her feel comfortable, but she was still nervous. What if she offended them?
They arrived in the ready room. Against her nature, Kanu hovered above the conference table until Picard asked her to sit down. Thankfully, he did not make her wait. This gave her hope: Perhaps he does not wish to intimidate me. She had been the Ambassador to the Romulan Empire eight years before, and she did not like them, at all. They were deceitful people who only wished to frighten and consume, and they were far more powerful than the Char. After years of tension between them, it became clear that the Char needed an ally.
Kanu and her two aides sat.
"Please tell me how to begin," Kanu suggested.
"Typically, in my culture, we offer our guests a beverage or some food before we talk," Picard graciously explained. "But, if you prefer, we may go directly to the conference."
Instinct told her to speak now, but Kanu knew enough about Terrans to recognize the fact that he was giving her a great courtesy just in explaining himself. She decided to reciprocate.
"That is most generous of you, Captain," She said carefully. "I would please like to sample a beverage of you choice. Whatever it is that you most like."
Picard nodded and turned to the aides, but they refused. He turned to the replicator and said, "two cups of Earl Grey, hot."
The machine buzzed and two mugs of steaming hot beverage appeared. She eyed them warily, noticing the steam. Picard picked up the two mugs and brought them over, setting one down in front of Ambassador Kanu. She did not even attempt to drink it because the steam rising off of it. She watched Picard with a mixture of fascination and horror as sipped his own molten liquid.
Are Terrans immune to pain? she wondered.
"Is something the matter?" Picard asked.
"Do you really drink beverages at such an outrageous temperature?" Ambassador Kanu asked.
Wordlessly, Riker jumped out of his chair and ran to the replicator. "A small saucer with ice cubes in it," he said. The machine spat out his request, and he brought them to the Ambassador. She added ice cubes to her drink, her face burning with shame. She'd barely been there ten minutes and already felt as though she were causing them problems.
"Thank you," She said politely. Picard waited patiently as she added ice cubes to her tea until it became about room temperature. She sipped the beverage carefully, noting its colorful flavors. "I like this 'Earl Grey.' Very vibrant."
"I apologize for making it too hot," Picard said.
"You merely did as I asked," Kanu replied, a little confused. She saw his face become conflicted and then understood. "I see. You are attempting to make 'small talk'. I am sorry. The only advise I was given for 'small talk' was that, if someone asked how I was doing, I was to reply that I was fine, regardless of how I was really doing. Then I should ask them the same question and expect the same reply," Kanu paused. "I hope you don't think too poorly of me or my people for questioning your traditions, Captain, but what is the purpose of asking someone the status of their well-being if you do not expect an honest answer?"
"That is a good question," Picard chuckled. "I had not thought about it that way, before. It is a strange custom, but it seems to be a very common one on my home world, as well as other worlds."
"We are always excited to learn about cultures that are different from our own," Commander Riker added.
"We have not had a lot of good experiences, so far," Kanu said. "We might argue that your attack on our fourth Char outpost is one of them."
Picard and Riker exchanged looks. They had heard about one of the Char outposts being attacked three days ago.
"I thought that attack was clearly made by the Romulans," Riker said.
"The ship was Romulan," She agreed, accepting a PADD from one of her aides and passing it on to the humans. "But our analysis of the weapons fire indicate that they were using Federation photon torpedoes. Have you any idea how they could have gotten such weapons?"
Picard frowned at the data on the PADD. "No, I don't. Would you mind if we examined the evidence?"
"I thought that you would. I had the liberty of having some of the fragments retrieved from a torpedo brought with us. I will have someone from my ship send it over," She said, and nodded to one of her aides, who quickly left the room to carry out her request.
"Thank you," Picard said. "I'm sure that, together, we can get to the bottom of this."
****************************************************************
Spot paced in front of the door anxiously. Daddy was late, and she was bored. Very bored.
****************************************************************
Deanna Troi was on her way to her quarters when Data passed her in the hall.
"Counselor, may I ask you for a favor?" He asked.
"Of course," She said. "What can I do for you, Data?"
"If it is not too much trouble, I was wondering if you could stop by my quarters and feed Spot," He said. "I have not had an opportunity to go all day, and now I must assist Lt. Commander LaForge in the analysis of some torpedo fragments."
"I would be happy to, Data. What kind of food should I replicate?"
"I have been experimenting with different suppliments," Data said. "For now, she seems happy with Feline Suppliment number twenty-two."
"Number twenty-two," Troi repeated. "All right."
"Thank you, Counselor."
***********************************************************
The door opened, and Spot dashed out into the corridor without even checking to see who it was.
"Spot!" A voice shouted helplessly. It was the Lady of Peace. Spot kept running, taking a left at a junction, then another left. She came to a door where she knew a handsome gentleman lived and pawed at the door in frustration. Spot hoped that a passerby would think she lived there and open the door for her. It was a trick that had worked, before, but not today. Nobody came, not even the Lady of Peace. Tail swishing, she moved on.
A few moments later, she found the Man Who Was Always Nervous walking along slowly, staring at one of those flat things in his hands that made noise when poked. Spot didn't like those flat things. Daddy used them a lot, and they stole valuable attention time away from her. Spot followed the Man Who Was Always Nervous until he came to a door and it opened. She followed him inside. It was a very tiny room, and just as the door hissed shut, she realized where she was.
"Bridge," The Man Who Was Always Nervous said distractedly, still poking at the flat thing to listen to the soft beeps and clicks it emitted. He still hadn't noticed the cat.
The floor vibrated a little, and Spot flattened her ears. She was in one of those things that took you to Elsewhere. She didn't much like them. They made her disoriented. It was too late to go back, though.
The door hissed open, suddenly, and the Man Who Was Always Nervous stepped out of the small room. Spot hesitated, but as the door began to hiss closed again, she dashed out of it and into a strange, new place. There were many familiar people and smells, here, but Daddy did not seem to be among the faces in the room. Nobody noticed her.
Spot heard another door opened and turned around. The Man Who Was Always Nervous was going into another room. On an impulse, she followed him. She liked exploring, and she liked the Man Who Was Always Nervous.
******************************************************
Lieutenant Reginald Barclay entered the Ready Room with some apprehension.
"Lieutenant Barclay," Captain Picard said hopefully. "What have you got for us?"
"Um, w-we haven't finished our complete analysis of the torpedo, yet," Barclay said, wiping sweat from his brow with his sleeve. "On first impression, it does appear to be a standard Federation photon torpedo. However, there are trace elements in the hull that are not found in Federation torpedoes, indicating that it could be a forgery."
"Let me see that," Ambassador Kanu said. Barclay handed her the PADD and she spent a moment reading it.
"You may go, Mr. Barclay," Picard said quietly. "Please let us know when you have completed your analysis."
Barclay nodded and left. Kanu didn't seem to notice. She kept reading the information on the PADD, chewing her thumbnail. Picard and Riker exchanged looks again and settled back in their chairs. Picard sipped his tea. Riker toyed with the idea of getting something for himself, but he didn't want to disturb the ambassador or offend her.
"Ambassador," Picard said after another moment had passed. "Perhaps you'd like to share the findings with the rest of us?"
"This is a preliminary report?" Kanu said, not seeming to hear him. "Your people are very thorough." She put the PADD down on the table. She did not offer it to Picard or anyone else, yet seemed to be waiting for him to say something.
"Thank you," Picard said after a moment.
"How do I know this information is correct?" Kanu asked, pointing at it.
"I can assure you, I have my best people working on -" Picard began.
"No," She interrupted. "How do I know it is honest?"
"Excuse me?" Riker said. The air in the room seemed to grow a little stiff.
"I know the Federation isn't exactly on good terms with the Romulans," She began. "If the Romulans obtained Federation photon torpedoes and used them on us, it would make the Federation look bad." She picked up the PADD again and gestured with it. "It would not be difficult for you to make it appear as though these weapons were forged."
"This is ridiculous," Riker spoke up. "We would not do something like that. It's possible that the Romulans could have stolen some torpedoes from us, some how, but we would know about it."
"I didn't say they were stolen," Kanu said, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms. "I said 'obtained'."
Riker bristled. "What exactly are you implying, ambassador?"
"I'm simply saying we should consider all possibilities. You are the one who seems eager to steer any and all blame away from the Federation."
Picard remained silent during this exchange, waiting to see if it became necessary to interrupt them. Under the table, he shifted his feet to get more comfortable and his left shoe came into contact with something large and soft that did not feel like a foot. Startled, he looked under the table to see what was there. What the -?
A figure leapt onto the conference table, fur ruffled, tail lashing in irritation. It was Spot, Data's cat. Everyone at the table fell silent in shock.
"How did that animal get in here?" Picard demanded, getting up from his chair.
"What is that?" Ambassador Kanu asked.
"It's a pet cat," Riker explained. "It belongs to one of our officers, but how it managed to get up here, we don't know."
Riker stood and reached for Spot. She growled at him, ominously. Riker hesitated. He'd been scratched by Spot, before, and did not look forward to getting hurt, again. Especially not in front of the Captain and the Char Ambassador.
"Incredible!" Kanu exclaimed. "You keep such creatures as pets? She's beautiful."
"She's evil," Riker couldn't help saying. Picard gave him a warning look.
"Oh, you've just startled her," Kanu said in a don't-be-silly tone of voice. "Come here, sweetie. Come here."
The cat sniffed at her outstretched hand and, without any trouble, Kanu pulled the animal into her lap. She laughed like a delighted child and cuddled Spot. Kanu's aides crowded around her, petting the animal. Riker and Picard both realized they were still standing and slowly sat down, nonplussed.
"Listen!" Kanu gasped. "What's that noise she's making? Her whole body is vibrating."
"She's purring," Riker realized.
Picard cleared his throat. "Ambassador? Perhaps we could continue with the meeting."
"Can we keep the cat here? Please?" Kanu asked. "What's her name?"
"It's Spot," Picard said. "And yes, I suppose she can stay, for a while."
"Good. Now, where were we?"
"The preliminary report on the photon torpedo," He reminded her.
"Yes," Kanu nodded, her eyes never leaving the ball of fur in her lap. "After careful examination of the fragments, we found that it was a fake, as well. Those clever Romulans. I apologize for misleading you, Captain. I just wanted to make sure we could trust you. Please tell me what the Char can do to extend the hand of friendship with the Federation."
Picard rested his chin in his hand and looked at Spot with some irritation. This is the third time that cat has snuck in here during an important meeting and ended a potentially devastating argument, he thought. All my years of studying diplomacy can't compete. I hate that cat.
In the Ambassador's lap, Spot dozed off.