Bad Ideas Gone Wrong Productions Presents

Snow Angels

A Neon Genesis Evangelion Spamfic by Geoduck

It was snowing in Tokyo-3.

"Umm...I thought that with the changes to the Earth's weather patterns after Second Impact, it was impossible for it to snow here?" Shinji queried Kensuke, who was hunched over his desk terminal.

"That's what I thought too...although I suppose that the technology might exist to control the weather. But who would do such a thing? And why?"

(Flashback...)

Keiichi moaned. "Oh, great. Who gave Belldandy a Coke THIS time?"

(Back to the present...)

"The world may never know for certain...but I will not rest until I find the truth. Is it a government conspiracy? The work of aliens infiltrating our society? Some insane megalomaniac bent on world domination? The truth IS out there! And until that truth comes to light..." Other students slowly backed away as Kensuke continued his rant.

An announcement came over the loudspeakers. "Due to the unexpected, unprecedented, and really spectacularly unlikely weather, all further classes have been cancelled, and all students are released to go home."

Cheers resounded from all the classrooms, followed by excited chattering and the sounds of students gathering their belongings together.

Toji was ecstatic. "Snow day! I never thought it could happen, but here it is! We've got a snow day!" He high-fived Kensuke (rant finally completed).

"So...what exactly do you do on a snow day?" Shinji asked hesitantly. Kensuke and Toji stared at him for a second, then stared at each other. "Nothing different than usual...right?" The other two stooges slumped, acquiescing to this awful truth.

From their usual overpass perch, the three stooges watched Tokyo-3's drivers cope poorly with unfamiliar winter driving conditions.

"You know, watching all these traffic accidents is fun and all, but it's getting a little boring. Why don't we go do something?" Toji observed.

Kensuke looked thoughtful. "Well, there's always the video arcade..."

Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke gazed in shock at the mayhem at the video arcade. A truckdriver, unable to negotiate the snow-covered streets had swerved directly into the front of the establishment. Employees and patrons alike spilled out onto the street watching as police tried to sort things out.

Shinji looked thoughtful. "Well, we could go get something to eat..."

Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke gazed in shock at the mayhem at their favorite restaurant. A truckdriver, unable to negotiate the snow-covered streets had swerved directly into the front of the establishment. Employees and patrons alike spilled out onto the street watching as police tried to sort things out.

Toji looked thoughtful. "You know, I'd REALLY like to see if a truck ran into Victoria's Secret."

Kensuke and Shinji nodded in firm agreement.

No truck had run into Victoria's Secret. Damn.

Back in front of the school.

"NOW what are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know...go home and study?"

Shinji was hesitant. "I...I heard that in the old days, kids, uh, used to play in the snow."

Toji looked skeptically at Shinji. "Play? In the snow? How? Why? What could possibly be fun about playing in this?" He scooped up a handful of snow. "What could you POSSIBLY do with this stuff that could be worthwhile?"

WHAMMO!

As far as he could tell, Toji's face had been hit by a car. A very, very cold and wet car.

"Dummkopf. THAT's what you do with snow. Isn't it obvious?" sneered Asuka.

"You...you bitch! I'll get you!" Toji's attempt at snowy retaliation missed by a mile: his aim was off, and the ball disentegrated in midair.

"Obviously I have nothing to fear from a stooge like you," smirked Asuka, who was preparing another snowball. She packed it together, then let it fly at Toji's head.

Toji was prepared, ducking out of the projectile's way. Shinji was not, as it impacted on his forehead.

Toji's second round was packed tighter and aimed better. Asuka, however, was also adept at dodging. And like Shinji, Hikari (who happened to be standing behind her), was not, as the snowball hit her directly on the chest.

"SUUUUUZUUUUHAAAAARAAA!!!"

Toji was toast. He knew it. Everyone else knew it. Asuka found this VERY entertaining.

Which is why she wasn't paying attention when Kensuke tentatively lobbed a snowball in her direction, which hit her on the neck.

"Scheisse! Kalt! Aida, you're DEAD!"

The next few moments were a blur of white, as the occasionally volleying of snowballs became a regular skirmish. It went from "Boys vs. Girls," to "every man for himself"...although Toji made a point NOT to aim at Hikari again. (She aimed at him often enough, though.) Curiously, Shinji didn't throw any, only dodging the throws of the others.

It was one of these dodging attempts, that he ran into something. Something warm.

"R-Rei?"

"Ikari. Please get off. It's cold."

"Uh...okay."

"And please do so without groping me."

"G-groping?"

"I believe that is the word for it. The second child informed me that when one grabs certain body parts, it is referred to as `groping.' By my memory you have done it several times. Like the time in my bedroom. The time in the NERV cafeteria. The time at the James Taylor concert..."

Shinji gulped.

"The time in the Tokyo-3 mall by the Santa display. Oh, I'm sorry, that wasn't you, that was your father. The time at the swimming pool I seem to remember being you. The time at the amusement park was either you, Aoba, or Hyuuga. And the time at Victoria's Secret was Ibuki."

"M-MAYA?"

"Hai. She had a firm but gentle grip." Rei blushed slightly.

"..." Shinji couldn't think of anything to say, so he got up off her. Minus the groping. He was saved from further akwardness by a snowball that whizzed by his ear and smacked Rei on the face.

The snow crumbled down her face, but the first child made no effort to wipe it off. "That was...unpleasant."

"Aw, is that all it was, Wondergirl?" sneered Asuka, who had obviously lobbed it. "Too bad. What are you going to do about it?"

"I will leave." TWHUP! Another snowball hit her in the face. "On second thought, I will stay. And retaliate."

"OOH, Wondergirl's going to RETALIATE, is she?"

"Hai."

"And just how do you..."

The words "...plan to retaliate" were muted when a snowball hit Asuka squarely on the mouth.

Obviously, this meant war.

"Okay, here's how it's gonna be! Two teams. I pick one, Wondergirl picks the other. We fight until one of the teams surrenders or we run out of snow. Agreed?"

"Those terms are satisfactory." No one else dared say a word of agreement or dissent.

"And since I won the coin toss..." Asuka smirked, "...I pick first. Hikari."

"Ikari." Rei said softly.

"Suzuhara-baka." Toji scowled as he walked over to Asuka.

"Aida," Rei said redundantly, as he was the only one remaining.

"Right. We start in two minutes. Unless you want to surrender now and save yourself future humiliation."

"We choose not to surrender." Rei spoke this in her usual monotone, but Shinji could have sworn he saw fire in her eyes.

"So here's the plan..." Asuka said in a voice low enough not to be overheard by the other team.

"Hey, why do I have to listen to what you say?" Toji complained.

Seconds later, his ear was well-nigh pierced by Asuka's fingernails. "So HERE'S the PLAN. I'll go up against Rei, and the two of you against the other two. Those two wimps will surrender in seconds. After that, you help me against Rei. Capisce?"

Toji either nodded or shuddered in pain, but it was enough for Asuka to let go.

Asuka chuckled evilly as she prepared her snowballs.

"The second child will be the combined focus of our attack."

Kensuke was worried. "But the other two will slaughter us if we're all concentrating on Asuka."

"No. Suzuhara's aim is poor. Keep moving and he will miss. Horaki's willingness to fight is low since she is no longer angry. She will be no threat."

Rei's logic was waterproof in Kensuke's opinion. "Gotcha. Aim at Asuka."

"Hai." Then, Shinji thought he heard Rei muttering "The bitch goes down." But he was pretty sure he must have been experiencing audatory hallucinations.

From a street adjacent to the park, Makoto Hyuuga, Shigeru Aoba, and Maya Ibuki watched the mayhem.

Hyuuga motioned over to them. "That's them for sure. Well, shall we go retrieve the Children?"

Aoba smacked his forehead with disgust. "Hyuuga, you idiot, getting the children was just a pretext to get us out of work this afternoon. It's a snow day. Nobody works on a snow day!"

"But...but what if there's an angel attack?"

Maya sighed. "Hopeless."

"Come on, Hyuuga, think about it! It's a snow day! A *snow day*! There hasn't been a snow day in Japan in fifteen years! You remember what those snow days used to be like, don't you?"

Hyuuga nodded slowly.

"Don't you remember how fun it used to be? Going out...making snow men...building forts...sledding, skiing, skating?"

Hyuuga nodded again.

"And most important...snowball fights! Why I remember this kid in the neighborhood I grew up in. I'd always nail him right in the face with an iceball every time it snowed. Oh, that was hysterical!"

Hyuuga's face suddenly grew thoughtful. "Iceball?"

"Yeah, I'll never forget that skinny little geek with the thick glasses. What was his name? I think it was `Makoto.' Hey, just like you, Hyuuga!" Aoba laughed heartily.

Hyuuga's expression quickly changed from thoughtful to enraged. "That...that was YOU! That WAS you, you bastard! DIEEEE!!!"

Maya shrieked as Hyuuga tackled Aoba and attempted to stuff handfuls of slush into his face.

Amused, Toji watched the enraged Hyuuga attempt to kill Aoba. "Hey...that's funny! Look at that guy almost get beaten up by the geek he used to pick on years before! Heh...I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned there. I just don't know what."

If Toji had been somewhat more watchful, he would have realized that Kensuke was immediately behind him, with an iceball in his hand, and a murderous look in his eye.

"Heh...getting beaten up by a nerd. How humiliating! Of course, even if Kensuke *could* do that, he wouldn't because he knows we're best buds! And what's a `whitewashing' between friends?"

Shinji and Hikari sat at the sidelines of the action, neither of them particularly motivated to fight any longer.

Suddenly, there was an unearthly wailing heard across the `Schlachtfeld', as Asuka called it. "What...what the hell was that?"

Hikari shrugged. "Not sure. As far as I can tell, it's Toji learning one of life's little lessons."

Asuka ran. Her initial attacks against Rei *had* been effective. She had made at least a half-dozen direct hits against the quiet girl.

Rei, however, had more endurance than Asuka. And while Asuka hands were too cold to form a half-decent snowball, Rei's projectiles were just as hard and well-formed as ever. And they hurt when they hit.

The scary part was...Rei looked like she was *smiling.*

"Revenge is a dish best served cold...the snow is VERY cold, Ms. Soryu."

Okay, her quips sucked, but it was the fact that Rei was *making* quips that truly freaked Asuka out.

Somewhere not far away, Misato Katsuragi and Ritsuko Akagi walked through the park, trailing behind a leashed penguin. "Oh, sure, this is a real fun way to spend my first day off in a month. Great suggestion, Misato."

"Aw, come on...how often do I get a chance to take Pen-Pen out on a walk? This is so much fun for him!"

Ritsuko snorted in the least enthusiastic manner possible.

"And hey, after were done, we can have some hot sake and mulled wine!"

"So, THAT'S the real reason you want to walk in the snow, you fanatic."

"Captain Katusragi? Sempai?"

The two turned at the voice. Misato smiled. "Oh, hi, Ibuki. Enjoying the snow?"

Maya shrugged. "Sort of. I'm just waiting for these two idiots", Hyuuga and Aoba, of course, "to catch their breath now that they're done with their little snow fight."

The two were a mess of raw red skin and runny noses. Hyuuga attempted to assert what was left of his dignity. "Oh, hi, Cabtain Kabtsuragi. Out for a walk?"

"Yeah. Not much else to do on a day like today."

Ritsuko snorted. "If only that idiot truckdriver hadn't run through the window at Victoria's Secret, I could have spent a nice afternoon shopping there."

Toji and Kensuke, much the worse for wear, appeared out of nowhere. "WHAAAAAT? But...but nobody ran through THAT window!"

Misato shook her head, "Oh yes they did! About five minutes after you boys left."

Toji furiously kicked a tree, while Kensuke merely wept.

Fuyutsuki sighed. "What makes you think they're all over here?"

Gendo gave him a withering glare. "I know the way they think. They are in this park today."

"So let them be in the park. It's a snow day, for crying out loud."

"There ARE no `snow days'. Anyone not showing up at work MUST fill out an annual leave form at least two weeks in advance in triplicate, or else report to the NERV infirmary. I don't make up the rules, you know."

"Actually, you do, Ikari."

"Shut up and help me look, Fuyutsuki."

All fighting finally over, the children and NERV personnel sat in a pair of park benches near where they had been fighting earlier.

Misato rubbed her hands together energetically. "So, who's up for a snowball fight?"

Her only answer were various unenthused mutters.

"Aww...I was looking forward to a snowball fight. Then maybe some hot cocoa and sake afterwards. And we can sing some Christmas carols."

There was a bit more enthusiastic response to that.

"And maybe some naked hot-tubbing?"

Enthusiasm levels reached unprecedented highs.

"Just kidding."

Damn.

"Ah, there they are, Fuyutsuki." Gendo pointed at the motley group, slowly making their way across the park in the direction of Misato's apartment.

The two shambled after the group. Aoba was the first to see their pursuers. "Aw, shi... RUN!" The group collectively looked back, and started running off.

"Don't you dare run...I recognize you all very clearly. You'll just make it worse for yourselves. I'll be certain this goes on your permanent records! Katusuragi, Ibuki, Hyuuga, Aoba! I can tell it's you! Same with you, first, second, and third children!"

Shinji stopped in his tracks. "Wait..."

Toji yelled at him. "Run, you idiot, before you get in trouble!"

Shinji shook his head. "No."

"No?"

He bent down, and scooped up some snow, forming a perfect ball with it. "No."

Seeing this, the others stopped. Ritsuko snickered at the thought. Aoba and Hyuuga grinned outright.

Gendo motioned to Fuyutuski. "Are they doing...what I think they're doing?"

"You mean, are they all making snowballs and advancing threateningly? The answer is yes."

"I...I think we may be in some trouble, Fuyutsuki."

"What's this `we' jazz, Ikari?" Fuyutsuki added sardonically, as he leaned over to make a snowball of his own.

"Hey...hey now...you wouldn't..."

"Wouldn't I, Ikari? I seem to recall someone short-sheeting my bunk when we went to Antarctica."

"But...but that could have been anyone?"

Gendo tried to get away from Fuyutsuki, but ran into a solid line of children and NERV operatives, all bearing implements of snow war. Gendo turned back to his old friend and colleague. "You wouldn't throw a snowball at a man wearing glasses, would you?"

Fuyutsuki smiled cruelly. "I wouldn't dream of it. By the way, have you ever had a snowball in your jockey shorts before, Ikari?"

He hadn't before. But he soon experienced it.

END.

(Original author's note, circa 2003): This fic developed about a year ago as the insane twin brother to the very serious "O Holy Night." Thanks to Arcturus (MY insane non-twin brother) and WillZ for prereading.

(2009 author's note): I had posted this story once upon a time. Then deleted it. Now it's back. Yay?