Ste sits in the passenger seat of Brendan's car, forehead pressed against the cold window, heart beating uncomfortably hard in his chest. Behind him, a wonderfully oblivious Leah and Lucas kick the seats and squeal and chatter; completely unaffected by the whole thing. To them, this is just a little 'holiday'… rather than the impromptu going-into-hiding that Brendan has forced upon them.
Brendan climbs into the drivers seat and passes Ste a beer-can… a peace-offering. Well Ste won't accept his peace-offering.
He mumbles a sullen, "No thanks," and keeps his eyes fixed out of the window; refusing to indulge Brendan's apologetic state by giving him eye-contact.
Brendan just sighs, "Fine."
He starts the engine and they drive off in bitter silence.
XOXOX
Brendan chooses a motel for their night away from home. It's low-key enough that Seamus or the police won't come snooping, so his usual five-star standards are out of the window. This place is two-star at best, but Brendan insists it will only be one night and then they'll be on the move again.
"Oh great." Ste snaps, "That's great for the kids innit? Livin' in a car for the rest of their lives."
"A week, max." Brendan maintains.
"No, we shouldn't have to be doin' this at all, Brendan!" He growls. He has to keep his voice down as they move nearer to the receptionist. "I've 'ad to take them out of school."
"I know."
"Yeah – they were never in danger before I let you back in our lives, were they?"
"They're NOT in…"
Brendan stops short, having reached the reception desk.
"We'll talk about it later." He mumbles lowly in Ste's ear.
Yeah. Whatever. Ste's not willing to listen. He's furious. Leah and Lucas might be having a good time, but this is not the upbringing he is prepared to force upon them. He was supportive of Brendan trying to get his dad out of the picture, but he didn't expect it to backfire like this. And there was no way he was going to let Brendan saunter off and disappear on his own – never to be seen again. He wasn't prepared to let him go. So now they're all here, and Ste has to live with the guilt that he's turned his kids into as-good-as criminals, as far as he's concerned. Guilty by association. Running from the law.
"A suite please." Brendan grunts to the receptionist. "One twin-bedroom, one double."
"No." Ste cuts in, "Two twin-rooms please."
He's not going to sleep with Brendan tonight. If he does, Brendan will only end up doing that thing he does that makes Ste melt and forgive him. And he wants to make Brendan suffer a little longer; make sure he's suitably reprimanded from dragging Ste and the kids away like this.
The receptionist looks to Brendan cautiously for confirmation of the twin-room, which makes Ste even more angry because how come it has to be up to Brendan to verify… even to complete strangers? How come they don't just do as he says?!
"Fine." Brendan sighs, rolling his eyes. "Two twin rooms."
"That's going to cost slightly more, sir." The receptionist says, typing into her computer.
Brendan sighs in a hard-done-by manor which makes Ste snap, "Oh give over! 's not like you can't afford it."
"D'ye mind Steven? I'm sortin' out the rooms here."
"Yeah, you're lucky I'm even lettin' you stay with us!"
"Well if I didn't, it would sorta defeat the object of you comin' out here at all, wouldn't it?" Brendan bites back irritably.
"Well I don't know why I did now."
"Yeah, jus'…" Brendan flinches and massages his forehead, "You're givin' me a headache; can you bitch at me later – please?!"
Ste rolls his eyes and turns back to the receptionist. She is holding out the keys, her eyes moving back and forth between the two of them carefully. Brendan snatches them off her without so much as a 'thanks' and grabs hold of Ste's and the kids suitcases; marching ahead of them up the stairs to the bedroom.
Once in the suite, the kids are excitable. It's all a big adventure to them and they make their joyousness apparent by jumping on the beds and helping themselves to sweets from the mini-bar, which Ste allows because it's Brendan who's paying … and he deserves the hefty receipt.
Brendan dishes out his phone and begins to make whatever phonecalls he needs to make to supposedly get them out of this mess. The mess of being suspected of fourth-degree attempted-murder; falling under the accusational finger of being the initiator of the murderous master-plan. Christ.
"You do whatever you have to do." Ste had whispered to him last week; clutching the trembling, sobbing, broken mess of his partner, "Please Brendan. You're stronger than this. You do what you need to do to get him out of our lives, yeah? For good."
Had Ste alluded in that moment to the hiring of a Joel-sized hitman? He supposes, in that moment, that his words were as sincere as they could ever possibly be. He and Brendan had both been subjected to Seamus's cruel, sick humiliation. Seamus had made Ste feel small and even frightened when he'd ridiculed his sexuality so blatantly… in cold, fierce whispers. And with Brendan it had been far worse.
Ste wasn't going to give up on Brendan. He was going to do whatever it took to help him, to fix him, to repair the damage his father inflicted. And in that moment it had been as clear as day that Seamus needed to be gone… for Brendan to ever stand a chance. And he deserved a chance.
Had Ste sealed Seamus's morbid fate with his words?
And is he regretful now that Seamus made it out alive?
He can't admit either to himself. Which is why he takes it all out on Brendan now.
"So?" He asks, after he's tucked the kids in bed.
"No luck yet." Brendan mutters back, still flicking through his phone – possibly for other contacts.
Ste sighs and slumps onto his own single bed, shuffling up under the covers. He pulls them right up to his chin, turns his back forcefully on his partner and clasps his eyes shut as if to go to sleep. Not that he's going to get any sleep tonight.
"I didn't mean for this to happen ye know." Brendan speaks gruffly into the frosty silence.
"No, you never do, do ya?" Ste sighs. And then adds in disbelief… "I mean… fuckin' Joel! Joel of all people! You know he's a useless little wanker! He was always gonna stab ya in the back!"
"He owed me a favour."
"What, an' that's your idea of a favour, is it? How messed-up is that?!"
"Oh what – so now you're gonna pretend like you didn't know what we were plannin' yeah? Make out this is all my fault!"
"I didn't! YOU didn't involve me!" Ste shouts back.
"No, cos I didn't want you getting caught up in all that shit – I wanted to protect you from that – is that so terrible?! You knew deep down what was happenin'! I didn't hear any protests then!"
"Oh shut up Brendan!"
"No you shut up! Seriously – shut up!" Brendan shouts furiously and jabs at his own forehead with his finger as he yells, "You just go on and on and on and on and on and why can't you just give it a fucking REST for ONCE?! Just shut your god damn mouth!"
His outburst is met with a harsh, cold silence.
Ste wants to shout back and scream at him and call him a bastard and every other name under the sun, but he bites down on his lip and plays the silent card instead. If that's what Brendan wants, that's what he gets.
And it works too, because Brendan immediately seems to regret his eruption.
His voice is fragile… almost vulnerable… when he mutters, "Look, Steven I…"
"Daddy…"
Brendan turns, and Leah's standing in the doorway of her bedroom; woken up by Brendan's loud shouting.
"Ey, it's alright princess…" Ste speaks gently, climbing out of his bed and lifting the little'n into his arms, "Did we wake you up?"
Leah nods solemnly.
"You're fighting." She sniffs.
"No, no we're not. We're not really."
"You always tell me not to shout." She pouts.
If Brendan had it in him to laugh, he would. The likeness to her dad is remarkable.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Sorry." Brendan mumbles. He means it – to both of them, he's so so so sorry. He never wanted this to be their life. But when he turns to see them, they've already gone – Steven having taken her back to bed.
XOXOXO
The room is quiet and dark when Ste returns from tucking Leah in. Brendan is nothing but a still mould beneath the duvet cover on his own bed. That's fine. Ste can't afford to have another row anyway, and he's exhausted. He climbs back under his own sheets and settles down with every intention of getting some rest.
Until he feels the mattress lower behind him, and Brendan's body moving up close against his own… Brendan's arm snakes smoothly around his waist.
"What?" Ste sighs tiredly.
"I'm sorry Steven." Brendan's voice is gruff with lack-of-sleep. "I didn't mean for this to happen and I'm tryin' to sort it, I am."
Ste turns slowly, stiffly to face his partner; not ready to forgive him just yet, but willing to explain himself more calmly.
"I can't bring my kids up like this Bren, I can't."
"I know you can't." Brendan says immediately. "I'm gonna get us home I promise. And…" he swallows, "Maybe even… get us our own place… the four of us? Could even send the kids to a better school… if that's what you want."
Ste emits a muffled, amused snort, "What, like a posh private place?"
"If that's what you want."
"Yeah, cos the other parents would love us, wouldn't they?"
"Hm." Brendan lets out a short, stiff laugh.
"An' it would be a waste of money cos we'll be on the run all the time."
"No. I swear… this is first and last time, I swear."
"Yeah?" Ste croaks, "What you gonna do about your Dad then? Cos he's still there now, Bren – he'll be there when we get back."
Brendan's body noticeably stiffens against Ste's own. Ste can feel Brendan's heartbeat increase against his back. He can sense the man's terror; recognisable from past conversations of theirs – the reason Ste wanted Seamus gone in the first place.
Ste inwardly sighs; resigns to the fact that the man needs to be dead. Resigns to the fact this is probably not the end of it. His fingers rise absent-mindedly to trail circles on Brendan's, which is currently pressed against his stomach.
"It's my problem," Brendan breathes croakily. "My problem to sort out – no one elses."
"Look, no way – I'm not havin' you go to prison."
"No I don't… I don't mean that. I mean I gotta man up. Grow some balls. Stop takin' his shit."
Ste considers this for a moment. All is still for a thoughtful second, before he shuffles around. In the single bed there isn't much room for manoeuvre, but Brendan keeps one arm protectively around him so he doesn't fall off, and eventually they're face to face – looking deeply into one anothers eyes.
"It's not that easy though." Ste says with great understanding. "Is it?"
In the darkness there isn't much to see, but there's a faint ghostly tear that lights up the corner of Brendan's pupil.
Ste swallows, "Brendan?"
"Hm?"
"Whenever you're ready to… to talk about it. You know… if you ever want to…"
"I will. I'm gonna tell you Steven. I am."
"Okay." Ste breathes, his own heart beginning to hammer. He wants Brendan to be able to open up to him; more than anything he does… but now it's a legitimate concept, it terrifies him a little. His spine tingles nervously with even the notion of knowing what makes Brendan so haunted. Brendan's already told him stories – chilling, blood-curling stories. But somehow he knows that's not the end of it… he knows there's something more. What could possibly make Brendan so afraid? It makes Ste's veins run cold, and he wants to run from it… but he also wants for Brendan to not go through it alone.
"In your own time though!" He adds hastily; afraid for a second that he's being too pushy.
"I want to be able to tell you." Brendan whispers, "More than anythin'. I just… I can't right now, d'you understand?"
"Yes."
He does.
All thoughts of reprimanding Brendan are out of the window as he wraps his arms tenderly around the mans neck and nuzzles his nose gently against Brendan's. Brendan lets out a low breathy laugh at the gesture, but it's tainted with what he can't say. It hangs over them, haunting them.
Ste falls asleep in this position, squeezed into the single-bed; just a mess of limbs, and lips against skin.
Brendan knows he will tell Steven some day, and perhaps some day soon. He can feel that he will. But part of him doesn't want Ste to ever know, because his eyes are so accepting and untainted when he regards Brendan, and Brendan doesn't want anything to affect that. He's the light in the darkness of Brendan's being; the innocence – though Steven would argue endlessly with that notion. He's the thing that draws Brendan away from the pain and suffering… because he's so very far removed from it.
In many ways, Ste's the only person in this whole world that Brendan wants to have know about it. In other ways, he's the one person who should remain most protected from it.
He's the love of Brendan's life. The firm grip on his hand, the smile-shaped kiss against his lips, the sparkle in his persona. The better-half of him – who in many ways is everything Brendan wants to be, and more. Brendan respects him more than anyone in the whole world, and his strength, and his character.
And reminiscing on this reminds him that he can tell Steven. He can tell him and it will all be okay. He can tell him, and he doesn't even need to remove Seamus from their life because whilst Brendan isn't strong enough to face him, Steven almost certainly is, and together that must make them indestructible. The only one that can destroy them is Brendan himself, and he's not going to let that happen ever again.
So bring it on. Let Seamus live. And next time he and Steven meet Seamus in the street, Brendan will bask in the knowledge that he's beaten him. That he and Steven have beaten him together.