Chapter 1: Meredith's thoughts
Maybe Derek's right, maybe we should just live our lives and let whatever has to happen, happen. I never thought I would ever want something so bad. I actually never liked a lot of things till Derek came along. I never thought I would want kids, I never thought I would get married, and I never thought that once I did want these things life would get in the way and try to screw it all up.
I can vision our lives together in five years. We have two children; one daughter and one son. The girl has Derek's ocean blue eyes and my strawberry blonde hair. She has my nose and lips and ears but Derek's smile. She has my laugh. And our son has my emerald green eyes and Derek dark curls. He has my nose but Derek's lips ears and smile. But my same adorable laugh.
I really want this and I know Derek wants this. Maybe if we are patient god will please us. But then again there are other ways to have a baby. But even though I have seen people go through the pains of labor, I kind of want to experience it. I mean once the house in the woods is finally done maybe we could have a baby. Maybe are timing is of and some spirit is trying to tell us that we should wait a little longer.
Now I feel terrible, some people who don't even want babies have babies. I used to be one of those people. But now I actually want one but biology isn't on my side. I know I have to think positive. Or maybe Derek and I shouldn't just have sex like that. Maybe it should be a spur of the moment kind of thing not 'I'll meet you in the on call room in 5' maybe that's why we aren't getting pregnant. Because people usually get pregnant when they are making love and not just having meaning less sex to get through the day.
I think I should try being bright and shinny for a while instead of dark and twisty. I don't know.
But what if I get Alzheimer's instead of getting pregnant? That would be terrible. Derek life would be totally messed up. Or worse I get pregnant and pass it on to the baby. Oh no I'm being a pessimist again. Maybe I should just calm down and think of something else.