I do not own American Horror Story: Freak Show
Can't get enough of it.
TWISTY THE CLOWN: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first TWISTY THE CLOWN unit. In order to ensure a happy, unbalanced, psychopathic future with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Deuces if we know, we just called him 'AHHHHH, That Freaking Clown!'
Nicknames/Aliases: Twisty the Clown
Age: Formerly mid '50s; Currently eternally undead (but at least he got his face back, right?)
Place of Manufacture: Rusty Westchester's Traveling Carnival
Height: 6 foot 3 inches
Weight: Unknown; he stomped our scale to death 'til we gave up
Included Accessories:
(1) worn, slightly discolored clown suit
(1) unsettling happy face mask
(1) pair giant, rusty, gore covered gardening shears (don't ask what's on 'em, just don't ask)
(1) bag of bludgeoning juggling bowling pins (apparently he's in league with Pennywise - league, get it?)
(1) broken down carny trailer now used as a cozy woodsy weekend getaway home
(1) Seemingly inexhaustible supply of toys and sundries meant creep you right out
Programming:
Special Children's Clown: A simple man, happy and carefree when delighting children with his antics, this unit was the best of the best at making children laugh and smile. A master of balloon animals and silly faces, this showman absorbed smiles and giggles like a fat lady inhales cotton candy and corndogs.
Deadly and Psychotic: Now however, due to certain chemical imbalances and the psychological stress of extended unemployment, your TWISTY unit seems rather at a loss to create real laughter and enchantments in the hearts and minds of his entrapped youth. Now mostly he just frightens the beejeebers out of them.
Freaking Undead Clown: Personal enlightenment and understanding do not bonk your TWISTY unit on the head, as he cannot tell homicidal reality from twisted fantasy. Henceforth, he must, simply because it's the Halloween special, become one of the several undead companions of an EDWARD MORDRAKE unit. This role really includes none of the benefits of being a companion of the Doctor. Unless, of course, you count wandering the whole of time and space thing. Which is technically a plus. And, he got the lower half of his face back.
Useful Talents/Abilities:
Oomph, There's That Clown Again*: Your TWISTY unit has a rather fiendish ability to pop in and out of the woodwork so quickly that adults don't notice him at all. This 'pop goes the weasel' routine may cause you to jump right out of your skin so best down loads of Xanax before you go out and about in your local Jupiter neighborhood.
*We at Amazon will provide free shipping and handling for anyone who can name that slightly skewed pop culture reference. Hint: Crazy kids' show circa 1990s.
Protector of Teenage Virginity: Your TWISTY unit takes it upon himself to protect those young, lovely teenage girls about to 'go all the way' with their 'superdreamy' boyfriends in grassy, open meadows (Seriously?! Is there anybody who actually does that?!) He'll bludgeon and stab their horndog boyfriends to death and steal the ladies themselves away to well, not so much a tallest tower in a castle so much as a rusty cage in a broken down trailer in the woods. But hey, at least their lady business will remain intact. And he'll even generously provide them with gainful employment as babysitters to the children he's 'saved'. Because he is, after all, such a conscientious fella.
Swing, Batter, Batter!: Your TWISTY unit is a first class shot with his bowling pins and you'll never see him coming 'til your brains splatter out of your ears. He really could be a major leaguer if not for the whole severely unbalanced, totally unpredictable aspect of his personality. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe sports is the perfect place for him.
Best Hide-n-Seek Player Ever: What does one dumb storeclerk plus one extremely still psychotic clown equal? The most obvious game of hide-n-seek ever! Yes, yes, we here at your friendly on-line Amazon store were screaming and throwing things at our televisions as well. Then we hid under our ergonomically correct desks too, yes, we sure did.
Creatively Minded: Once upon a time, your simple TWISTY unit was desperate to make people smile, even if he was shunned as an outsider and an undesirable. He took simple pleasure in creating whimsical works of art and play from trash. Sadly enough, his desperation scared his intended audience and drove him further from the bright lights of happiness and contentment. Once a good, simple person, he was driven to the edge of madness, teetered a bit, and dropped right off into the abyss of the batcrap crazy. Where once more, he brandishes his own brand of mad creativity. Best for you to duck when he swings it.
Removing Your Unit from Packaging:
Well, to be perfectly honest, we here in the world of people who can be easily made dead would really prefer if you just leave your TWISTY unit in the package. Wouldn't do to muss the finely coifed mess of clown hair or smudge the maniacal face paint of your most pristine unit, would it?
No? *huffs in derision* Well, fine. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Okay, we'll make this simple.
Step 1: Carefully open packaging of your TWISTY unit.
Step 2: Run like hell. Don't look back. Do not pass go. Do not collect one hundred dollars. Just run.
Compatibility with Other Units:
Um, okay, dude? He is compatible with no other units! Seriously?! But if you really want to add him to your AHS Freakshow PlayPal PlaySet, then we have compiled a list of units for him to interact with.
EDWARD MORDRAKE unit: Your TWISTY unit has a sad and frankly, pitiful story to tell. An EDWARD MORDRAKE unit is the perfect one to delve deep into the psyche and pull out all the sordid, sorry bits and reveal the tortured man inside. Plus, since he's sorta pretty and cordial in a Hunger Games/Ghost Rider kinda way with his own grievous tale of woe, you will completely (almost, maybe) forgive him for having that creepy second head like a Victorian Janus come to undead life.
CHILD unit: Once beloved by all the children who came to the carnival, your TWISTY unit now picks and chooses children at whim to become his permanent guests in the land of the nefarious and creepy. He wants to entertain but only in the most baffling of ways. Really better to lock up your kids in an impenetrable fortress of video games and Mars bars than take the chance.
ADULT unit: True to the nature of the horror genre, adults don't seem to notice the danger lurking in the shadows until it pops out and steals their kiddies right out from under their noses. And so it is with your TWISTY unit. If he knocked on the door, they'd probably think he was just some unwashed, pale-faced hobo selling magazines door to door until he bopped them with his juggling bowling pins of death and made off with the rugrats. Morale of this rant: Pay attention to your kids, people!
FREAK unit: Your TWISTY unit was mocked and outcast and betrayed by his own carny kind long ago. Like a Carrie carny high school musical (without the musical), everything came crashing down on him faster than pig's blood at the prom. Suffice it to say he holds no abiding love or like or even tolerance for them. We advise not having them come in contact with any characters of the freakish variety as they may prove to be psychological triggers for his volatile madness. Lady Gaga, for example, would probably incite a bloodbath. Or in the very least, rousing game of 'bowling for squirrels'.
JIMMY unit: As a spectator and participant in the clown car circus of weird, your TWISTY unit becomes first enthralled with this unit's playful of knocking the snot out of his cohort clown. He finds it wonderful slapstick comedy worthy of applause and accolades. He will, however, become quite bereaved when this unit chases off his rapt audience from their performance. He'll gently restrain a JIMMY unit and then attempt to play a lighthearted game of Operation with him. But it's not because he's a bad clown; it's just what he does.
DANDY unit: Several thoughts and emotions seem to swirl around inside your TWISTY unit as he is first introduced to this peculiar unit and his severely delusional mother unit. And though there is no flashing banner apparent above his head, we have taken the time to write out several probable contemplations based on the dull expression in his vapid eyes.
First introductions: It's acid, isn't it? I'm on acid, right?
Their first crime duo kidnapping (well, technically re-kidnapping): Oh boy, we're going to have sooo much fun together!
Dandy's Fireside Jamboree: That man is a god!
Cleaning and Maintenance of your Unit:
Let's be honest here. You're TWISTY unit isn't exactly looking to win any beauty pageants or G.Q. centerfold photo shoots here. He ain't gonna be 'mint in the box' no matter what you do, okay?
However, if you really want to make his day, he might just appreciate your run to the Spirit Halloween store to obtain some fresh face paint. Then again, he might just think you are trying to escape your rusty cage again and football tackle you to the ground.
Also, it will be in your best interests not to try to brush his not so pearly white teeth (ewwwww) or provide some relaxing scalp treatments to clean up those little drippings of goodness knows what. Dismemberment and death are kind of, well, permanent. And physical beauty ain't quite that important, folks.
Feeding:
Um, we're gonna go with the bitter saltiness of his tears? Might want to cut that with some crackers or a slice of Wonderbread perhaps.
Rest:
There is no rest for the wicked, so they say. That being said, a cuddle-up teddy bear might just be the thing for a psychotic clown such as he to snuggle with in his cold, lonely mobile shoebox. Or he might eviscerate it for the extra practice. There's really no telling, honestly.
Frequently Asked Questions and Trouble Shooting:
Q: My TWISTY unit has bright red tufts of hair, razor sharp teeth, and keeps telling me that they all float down here. To my recollection, a TWISTY unit doesn't exactly talk so much as garble. Is there an off switch on this thing somewhere or have I missed a step?
A: You have accidently received a PENNYWISE THE CLOWN unit in lieu of a TWISTY THE CLOWN unit. Although they do bear some similarities, we do of course realize the mistake and understand your desire for your preferred murderous clown of choice. Please return for a proper killer klown exchange. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Q: My TWISTY unit has up and followed my EDWARD MORDRAKE unit away into the dark night. I didn't know I was going to lose my unit when I ordered it.
A: Well, good grief, you don't blame him, do you? Who wouldn't follow Wes Bentley away into the dark night? Even if he was a phantasmagorical member of the Talking Heads.
End Note:
It should be mentioned that not all clowns are serial killers and not all serial killers are clowns. Just as not all billionaires are superheroes and not all superheroes are billionaires. It's more of a lottery, really. We here in the land of imagination do believe and realize that one can exist without the other. Just be careful 'cause once you don a mask, there's a whole, wide, wonderful world of possibilities that open up before you. And not all of them are good.
Alright, dudes, I can make fun of nearly anything. Especially things can scare the living daylights outta me. And that includes Twisty. So I had to make fun of him, you see, so I could sleep at night.
Of course, Dandy and his mom are still out there. Soooo, now I'm wide awake again. *facepalm
Thanks to Evespirit and my mystery guest for choosing to review this unique piece. You are most appreciated.
Thanks also to yaoiobsetion for adding your support as well.
Everyone appreciates feedback. Leave a review if you like.