A/N: This is my entry for Pel's Summer Lovin Contest. While brainstorming for story ideas, I came to a simple conclusion—I suck at writing pure fluff. I knew I couldn't compete with all the great romance writers out there, so instead I opted to relax and have a little fun. In other words, I resorted to one of my favorite things in the world—sarcasm. LOL! There's one other reason I wrote this story. For awhile now, I've been trying to incorporate a bit of my real life into my fanfiction. So this story is dedicated to the toddlers in my life.

Thank you so much to my two beta-readers for this story—the fabulous Cocoa, and the fantastic silly bella. Without their encouragement, this story may never have seen the light of day.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Edward Vs the Toddler

By Butterscotch

The date started innocently enough. Edward and Bella drove to Port Angeles with the intent of shopping for Father's Day presents. Alice had begged to come along, but Edward had refused to share. In between stores they walked on the boardwalk, his arm around her supportively as she hobbled along in her walking cast. Bella didn't mind the awkwardness of the cast if it meant snuggling close to Edward. She wished they could forget shopping and just spend the rest of the evening along the bay. Unfortunately, in a moment of human weakness, her stomach betrayed her with an obnoxious growl.

Edward pretended to be exasperated. "Bella, why didn't you tell me you were hungry?"

She lowered her eyes in embarrassment. "Actually, I didn't realize I was hungry." A light flush seeped across her cheeks. Edward caught his breath as a different type of hunger burned hot and dry within his throat.

And so the summer had passed thus far—Edward dazzling Bella, her blushing, him being masochistic. If not for his protests, Bella would try to subsist only on Edward—and occasionally, air. He was the one who reminded her to take a "human moment" now and then. But sometimes it was hard to remember such things when all he wanted was to gaze at her, hold her, kiss her…well, the list went on and on.

But for now, they both realized Bella was hungry and needed to eat. Edward insisted on taking her to a nearby Turkish restaurant. She, of course, protested ("We haven't found presents yet…It's only 4:30…That restaurant is too expensive…"). So he pulled her into his arms and trailed kisses from her collarbone to her lips. Oddly enough, she soon forgot why she'd been arguing in the first place.

Still feeling light-headed, Bella allowed Edward to drive her to the restaurant. The corner table they sat at was quiet, but only because the restaurant was nearly empty. Just as Bella finished giving her order of lamb kabobs to the waitress, a horde of people flooded through the front door. The waitress tore her eyes away from Edward in dismay, obviously dreading the boost in business. Bella snickered as the waitress glumly walked to the crowd of ravenous newcomers.

"What's with all the people?" she whispered to Edward.

"Tee ball game just ended," he replied without taking his eyes off Bella. "The Lions beat the Bears, so they came here to celebrate."

"Go Lions," she grumbled. The people and noise distracted her from Edward's magnificence. Sure, she could focus harder on his face, but then she might pass out.

They watched as the waitress led a family to the table closest to Edward. The family consisted of a man with two children—a young girl in a tee ball uniform, and a little boy that looked about two years old. The girl was excitedly talking nonstop about the game. The boy seemed almost angelic with his curly blond hair and big blue eyes. When he caught sight of Bella, his face lit up in a huge grin. He waved at her with his small chubby hand. Bella, confused by the attention, halfway raised her hand in response.

Edward noticed the exchange and smiled sadly. "Bella, can you look at that little boy and honestly tell me you don't want children of your own someday?"

Caught off guard by the question, Bella nearly spit Coke all over the table. When she'd finally stopped coughing and spluttering, she glared at Edward, aghast. "Have you ever been around a toddler at all?" she asked incredulously.

He frowned at both her choking and her disbelief. "Of course I have!" he answered with an injured tone. When she raised her eyebrows, he rolled his eyes in defeat. "Okay, so I don't personally know any toddlers. But I've seen several of them…from a distance. They're adorable, in an endearing, human way. Don't you think so?" He paused, watching as she attempted to hide her laughter. "What's so funny?" he demanded. "I've never seen you around a toddler, either, by the way."

A little snort escaped her before she pulled herself together. "When I lived in Phoenix, a few of my mom's friends had toddlers. Sometimes they'd come over to our house…" She trailed off, shuddering at the scary memories.

For the thousandth time, Edward wished he could read her mind. "I don't understand," he admitted in exasperation.

Bella hesitated; she didn't want to shatter his pleasant daydreams, but she couldn't see any way around it. "They're hellions, Edward. They're disobedient, mischievous, ornery little devils. They throw tantrums, break the rules, and get away with every possible thing. Raising a toddler is not one of my life's ambitions."

Edward furrowed his marble brow in confusion. He glanced back at the little boy, who was sitting in a booster seat just an arm's length away. The boy had been smiling happily at Bella, but Edward's movement distracted him. His face changed dramatically as he suddenly glared at Edward in pure hatred. Then he stuck out his tongue and blew slobbery raspberries in Edward's direction.

The shock on Edward's face was priceless. Bella fought hard to keep a straight face, but it was a losing battle. She struggled for something to say. "Can you 'read' him the way you would an adult?" she finally managed.

"Not exactly." He turned back to face Bella, still stunned. "His vocabulary is limited, so he mainly thinks in images. It's a little confusing. But I think he likes you because you resemble his mother. I, apparently, am competing with him for your attention," he added sarcastically.

She couldn't help but smile. "Where's his mother?"

After a minute of "listening," Edward answered, "She's a doctor; she was called away for an emergency."

The father obviously had his hands full with the little girl who wouldn't stop talking. He finally noticed the little boy blowing spit towards Edward. "Now, Eddie," he chastised, "that's not very nice."

Bella and Edward stared at each other with wide eyes. "Eddie?" she whispered, feeling on the verge of hysterics. Edward could only shake his head—the irony left him speechless.

Fortunately, the waitress chose that moment to bring Bella her lamb kabobs and rice. She frantically began eating as a means of distraction. She did her best to ignore Eddie, who kept pointing to Edward and chanting "Doo-doo head, doo-doo head," over and over. The father attempted to placate Eddie by giving him some Cheerios. But once he turned back to the girl, Eddie started to throw Cheerios at Edward.

Edward turned into a statue as a safe form of defense. He stared straight ahead, not even blinking as the Cheerios bounced off his face and shirt. He broke the silence only once, muttering, "He has remarkable aim for a two-year-old." Bella shoveled the rice in faster, hoping she wouldn't choke.

Eddie was frustrated with the lack of response. Changing his game plan, he tried putting a Cheerio in his mouth before launching it. He giggled when it landed in Edward's hair and slid down his cheek, leaving a sticky trail.

The statue came to life, growling softly. Turning to glare, Edward's eyes revealed his inner monster. Eddie cowered instinctively and began to wail.

Edward looked away quickly, but it was too late. "Edward Cullen," Bella hissed at him. "How could you?"

"I'm sorry…it was an accident." He stared at the table, mortified and ashamed, as the father tried to comfort Eddie.

Bella sighed and put her fork down. "C'mon, let's get out of here." For once, Edward didn't argue. He quickly threw some money on the table, and they stood up to leave. Suddenly, Eddie wiggled out of his booster seat and rushed over to Bella. Smiling shyly at her, he took her hand and gave it a slobbery kiss. "Pret-ty," he told her.

Despite her preformed notions, Bella was touched. She leaned down and kissed Eddie on his pink chubby cheek. Eddie grinned from ear to ear. His father, muttering apologies, picked up the escapee and put him back in the booster seat. Eddie waved sadly at Bella as Edward led her out of the restaurant.

They walked silently through the parking lot until they reached the Volvo, at which point Edward rounded on Bella. "You kissed him?" His surprise was apparent, but something else was bothering him.

Bella stared back in disbelief. "Don't tell me you're jealous?!" She almost laughed, but the look on his face stopped her.

"That depends," he replied evasively.

"On what?!" she demanded.

"On whether or not you find him more charming than me."

She opened her mouth to tell him how ridiculous he was being, when suddenly inspiration struck. Maybe she could work this to her advantage. "Well, I'm not sure." She hesitated as though in careful consideration. "The kiss on the hand was very charming."

Edward immediately recognized the charade, but he decided to play along. He was not going to be out-charmed by a toddler. Gently taking Bella's hand, he pressed his cool lips to her fingers. "Like this?" he murmured.

Bella shrugged nonchalantly. "You could use a little practice."

He raised his eyebrows. Challenging him, was she? He slowly kissed up the length of her arm, noticing her increased heart beat and heavier breathing. Then he leaned in to kiss her neck. "Any better?" he whispered against her skin.

She swallowed thickly before answering, "Not bad."

Victory was within his reach. He kissed her jaw from ear to chin, stopping to hover an inch from her mouth. "And now?" he breathed into her parted lips.

Her eyes hazed over as she struggled to breathe and reply coherently. "You are the epitome of class and charm," she mumbled.

"Thank you," he said with her favorite crooked grin. He closed the distance between them and sealed her mouth with his. The kiss lasted until Bella nearly fainted. Chuckling softly, he opened the car door and helped her to sit down. She was still trying to catch her breath when he slid into the driver's seat.

He gave her a serious look. "You never answered my question earlier."

"What question?" At the moment, she could barely recall her name. She made the mistake of turning towards him, and she was immediately ensnared in his smoldering gaze.

"Do you want to have children someday?" he asked softly.

Inwardly she cursed his beautiful topaz eyes—her own personal truth serum. "Only if you're the father."

Edward blinked in astonishment, clearly not expecting that . His hold on her broke, and she gasped, horrified at what she'd revealed. She tried to redeem herself. "Of course, I know you can't father a child," she stammered. "And I definitely don't want anyone else's child. So, the point is…I choose Edward over Eddie." She smiled in a poor attempt to lighten the mood.

His answering smile was grim and silent.

"Say something," she pleaded nervously.

"I wish…" But he didn't finish the sentence.

"Yes?" she prodded, though she almost dreaded the answer.

He shook his head, and Bella knew he was altering what he'd almost said. "I wish I could read your mind. The things you say never cease to surprise me."

She sighed. "But I'm telling the truth, Edward. I don't want to be a mother. I only want you ."

"Very few 17-year-olds want to be mothers. It's not until later that they change their minds. I just don't want you to regret losing that opportunity."

"It's my decision to make," she asserted stubbornly. But Edward shook his head again, and she knew they were back to their impasse—stalemate. She would let it go for now; she wanted to salvage the rest of their evening together. Shopping for Father's Day was ironic and potentially awkward, so that was out of the question. Next time they'd bring Alice to help them buy presents.

Bella turned to gaze at Edward lovingly, and that's when she noticed it. "Um, Edward…you have Cheerios in your hair."