Disclaimers: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. The only things I own are the OCs and any villages that have never ever been mentioned. You already know the drill.
Despite my giant sloth and lack of motivation, I, Eiko Parody-san have decided to parody the monstrosity known as Naruto. This parody will be a series of one shots that intertwine with one another, labeled by the characters or the pairings. I'm going to warn you once and only once. If you are offended by my material, get over it. It is not a direct insult to you. Also, if you feel that this fanfic seems very familiar to you, don't think I am targeting Writer X's fanfic: they are all the same anyway. So any similarities are purely coincidental.
The Blatant Homosexual Adventures in the Nijigakure
Chapter One: Kisame and Itachi's Dilemma
Lips were locked in a very heated and sensual kiss. Nothing could destroy the moment for these two lovers, or at least that is what they thought as they made out without thinking about the repercussions such as syphilis, ninjas AIDS, or even being caught by the ninja police for statutory rape.
Whoa wait, was statutory rape just mentioned in that last paragraph? Just how old are these people?
Upon looking closer at the two kissers, one could see a major height difference as well as a huge age gap. The male that was pinned against the tree was a twelve-year-old boy with an ANBU mask to the left side of his head. The second male, (Holy crap that was gay) was a large shark-like man approximate twenty-three years six months eighteen days old. Yes approximately. Despite the eleven year difference, the two continued to kiss one another as if there were no tomorrow.
For the love of Ninja Jesus Christ, breathe already!
The bodies separated.
Ninja Allah is truly a benevolent god.
"Itachi-san," panted the steaming pile of raw sex known as Kisame Hoshigaki.
The younger did not answer, for he had no social skills and probably was going through various changes like growing hair in places or having his voice crack every other sentence. That or the child prodigy known as Itachi Uchiha thought he was a bad ass. Yeah, and Malibu Barbie is hardcore punk.
"…" replied the obviously feminine ninja. He knew it was one of Kisame's "moments" where the shark-nin would show that he was a truly alive and human. Itachi did not care for the organic feelings that the shark was trying to express, so he merely stared at his partner with bored Sharingan eyes.
"Uh Itachi-san that wasn't a statement of endearment. I was actually going to ask you if you had made sure you weren't being followed."
Itachi's eyes flared with indignation. How dare that hunk of burning love deny him of affection? He was Itachi Uchiha for Ninja Christ's sake! Just because his partner was being cautious did not mean he could say that.
"Itachi-san I know that face. Now seriously, did you make sure you weren't being watched?"
"Yes I did Kisame. What do I look like? Some idiot?"
"Well then who is that?" asked the sexy pimpin' Mist-nin, pointing to the tree behind his partner.
Itachi turned around and looked at the branch Kisame was pointing at. His Sharingan eyes flared in anger and vexation.
On the branch was a five-year-old girl dressed in a sailor schoolgirl uniform in the ANBU style. Her lavender hair was held up by two small pigtails, and wore heart-shaped clips on each side of her head. Her eyes were bright blue, which was something that hardly anyone from the Fire Country could flaunt. She was the most beautiful lolicon and woman that anyone could ask for. Not only were her looks a rarity, but her prodigious mind and abilities made her truly a treasure to behold.
"Mary Magdalene Matsumoto," answered Itachi.
"Uh who the hell is that, Itachi-san?" asked Sex on Legs. He moved a few feet away from Itachi in order to get a better look at the girl. She was cute, yes, but she was definitely out of her mind. Where in the world did the brat come from?
"She is my ANBU captain," Itachi replied.
"LIES."
"I do not lie, Kisame."
Kisame could not believe his ears. "LIES."
"That's enough Kisame. As strange as it is, Mary Magdalene Matsumoto is indeed my ANBU captain."
"Damn straight!" piped the child. "Itachi why are you making out with this…thing!?"
"…"
"Ugh I know when I'm not wanted," sighed the handsome shark.
"Hotness you stay where you are," Itachi growled while glaring at Mary Magdalene Matsumoto.
"Yes Itachi-san." The Mist ninja stayed put.
"Captain Mmm, you have no business following me. I am off duty."
"I don't think so Itachi-chan!" The preschooler jumped off the branch, flashing her Cinderella panties on the way down. "I am the best ninja in the damn world. I became a genin at two, a chuunin at three, and got promoted to jounin and ANBU captain at five. You and I are destined to be, and you know it."
Itachi's hand met his face and sighed exasperatedly, wishing that the Mary Sue from hell would leave him alone. He had no idea where she came from and why he knew who she was. In fact, the Uchiha felt like some unknown force had etched Captain Mmm and her life into his mind a few seconds ago.
"I don't recall there ever being useful females in Naruto," mused Kisame aloud. He was wrapping the loose bandages of the Samehada, determined not to cause a time paradox because he felt the need to destroy the "precious" five-year-old.
"Neither do I."
"What? What!?" Mary Magdalene Matsumoto cried. "I am Konoha's best ninja! In fact, in case you didn't know, Itachi-chan, I am going to marry you!"
"Haha what?" chuckled the luscious shark-nin.
Captain Mmm glared at her rival at love. She was not going to lose Itachi over some child of bestiality. "I was going to marry Kakashi Hatake, but when the third hokage offered me Itachi-chan's hand in marriage, I had to accept! Itachi-chan has been my secret crush before I was waned out of my bottle!"
Take that back, Ninja Allah is not a benevolent god.
"I think I'm going to be sick," said Kisame, getting ready to heave all his stomach's contents.
"At ease Kisame."
The epic shark-man blinked at his life partner in disbelief. A five-year-old girl came out of the middle of nowhere claiming that she was destined to marry Itachi. How would be stay so calm!? For crying out loud, the child probably still wet the bed and believed in cooties.
"Listen Captain Mmm, I don't mean to impose, but you cannot be real."
"Itachi-chan don't you dare speak like that to your captain and fiancée! You chauvinistic pig!"
Kisame rolled his eyes. "Why don't you burn a bra? Oh wait, you can't."
Mary Magdalene Matsumoto stamped her foot on the ground oh so maturely. "Grr! Stop making fun of me!"
"Whatever," answered Kisame.
The little prodigy's face was red in anger. "You're a mean jelly bean!"
"Oh wow I think I'll go cry in a corner and cut myself because you called me bad names," the buffet of manliness said sardonically.
"Why you-" Just as the fanfiction-like original character was about to pummel Kisame with her elite ninja skills, Itachi slashed her throat with his kunai.
"She was getting out of hand," said Itachi as he threw the ridiculous Sue down on the floor. "She should have stayed in the kitchen."
"Where she belonged," chucked Kisame.
"Indeed," nodded the true prodigy of Naruto.
"Do you think there will be anymore of those… things, Itachi-san?"
"I don't think so Hotness," the boy turned around and began to walk towards a road. "Let's go."
Little did these two ninjas know that this would not be the last rabid and godmodded female they'd encounter.