Episode #387,920: "The Hand of Punisher"
Hear me now and believe me sooner than that, even: Punisher was fuckin' pissed! He is probably the toughest bad-ass you have ever seen, and he was in some kind of a mood. A group of Garbage Pail Kids had recently appeared from out of Shadow, and were wreaking havoc in Baltimore, and that's Punisher's town!
Baltimore is also the one true city, of which all other cities are merely fucked-up copies! It is the practical center of reality! So sayeth the Living Tribunal, in his Emmy-winning documentary mini-series, "It's MY Reality, Assholes!" In it, the old LT describes how he has never had a better time than when he was toasted in Baltimore, and he woke up on this slut's couch wearing womens' underwear!
So, he decided Baltimore should be the Capital of the Multiverse, because it's such a cool place. The Living Tribunal has fucked-up ideas of what's cool, though. Baltimore fucking sucks!
Nonetheless, Baltimore is being fucked with, and Punisher is furious. He goes down to the fruit cellar where he keeps his slave, Microchip.
Punisher - Hey buddy, the Garbage Pail Kids are here and they are making a mess
Microchip - Kill me now!
So Punisher removes his classic UZI from his box, and begins sending bullets from the gun into Microchip's face. His face turns to jam, and his life is over. Punisher thinks about this.
Punisher - He was such a faggot. Now I need to. Go get those Garbage Pail Kids!
The Garbage Pail Kids who had come to Earth to commit messes were these ones: Ugly Boy, Pukewad, Crocodile, Exploding Head, and Ape Dyke. They were farting and puking on everything, and this would undo the very fabric of existence and remake it into something that can only be described as a brutal abomination!
Punisher - You garbage Pail Kids had better stop chaosifying my well-ordered reality, or I will wax wroth and give you a real hard fight!
Pukewad - Eat shit and die, Ching-Chong!
Oh, see, Punisher was squinting because the sun was bright, but Pukewad thought he was Chinese! Punisher doesn't take too kindly to racism in his town!
Punisher - No one say that to me, nigger!
So Punisher unloads a clip into Pukewad, and Pukewad becomes a Jam Ball, and now he is more powerful than ever! He absorbs the other Garbage Pail Kids and now he is Ultra Jam Ball, the Living Embodiment of Entropy! Punisher has no choice to survive, lest he remove himself to the tunnels beneath Baltimore, find the Primal Pattern which is the very layout of reality, walk it, and thus re-order the Multiverse to not include Ultra Jam Ball! Can this be done? Oh, you better get it ready!
Punisher finds the cavernous room where the Pattern is inscribed on the floor. He walks it, keeping in his mind's eye the image of a world where no Ultra Jam Ball can possibly exist. At the end, Punisher stands in the center of the Pattern. He transports himself to the Cusp of Heaven, the shelf on the Edge of Time where sit three figures: The Living Tribunal, Eternity, and Chandler Bing, who is Punisher's father and the architect of our reality.
Chandler - Leave us, you prideful sons-of-bitches!
The Living Tribunal and Eternity vanish. Chandler turns to his son, Punisher.
Chandler - From Chaos did I spring many eons ago, a rebel and an artist, and came me here to this place to make a reality forged upon Order, where I might rule and give rise to a race of supermen. Now, you, Punisher, my only son, must take the throne, here at the Cusp. The Age of Chandler is ended. Today begins the Age of Frank Castle. The myriad Universes that grow, shift, and decay through time and un-time forever, these are yours to watch over! Stay thy hand, should malice take your mind! Be a good king!
Punisher - Wait! Where do you go, Daddy dearest?
Chandler - To New York City! I have FRIENDS there, and in that place will I retire, and live out my remaining years! I may even take a wife... Who can say, for certain? Goodbye, my darling boy!
And so Chandler departed that place, and Punisher was like unto a God, and very alone in the world.
THE END.