Together Again
When they graduated, it didn't seem likely they'd see each other again, but then the 1993-94 school year again and Remus was the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.
I enter the staff's cabin and set my trunk down under the seat. I look up, noticing the cabin is not unoccupied. The man sitting down is reading a book, a sugar quill between his teeth. He looks up briefly and takes the quill out of his mouth.
"Severus."
"Lupin," I say, crossing my arms. I don't sit. He doesn't stand. "I thought you were in Romania. The—"
"I was," he said quickly. "I'm better and the potion, well, it helps." Lupin grinned at me.
"Where's your trunk?"
"I'm just here for the staff meeting and will coming to school later. A teacher needs to be on the train when the students come, so I volunteered. I'd like to get to know some of them before term starts."
"That's bullocks," I say, sitting down. "You just want to meet Potter."
Lupin swallowed. "I just want to see how he's faired. I haven't seen him since…" he swallowed again. "Well, you know. How have you been doing, Severus?"
"Quite well, considering."
"Good to know." We entered into an uneasy silence. Lupin tries to get back to his book. He sets it down again. "Severus, please. Talk to me. It's been a long time since we last talked. Really talked."
"Lupin, we were kids."
"I swear I knew nothing about Sirius' prank—"
"So you've said."
"I did mean to tell you about my condition, I just…didn't know how at the time."
"Like I said, we were kids. We were curious, so we experimented. Nothing more than that."
Lupin glared at me. I stared coldly back. Who would back down first?
"Okay, fair enough. We were ignorant. I thought it would be possible for me to be with someone, but I know now it's not. You can't blame me for having hoped."
"I don't," I say, "but you still could have at least told me the truth."
"I didn't know how and it was too dangerous!"
The door opened. Flitwick walked in and beamed at us. "Good, we can get started."
"What about everyone else?"
"Most of the staff stayed behind to fortify the school. Right now is just orientation for Remus. There are so few of us in here, that I was thinking we'd all go with the students when they get here."
He looked at us, waiting for our answers.
"Well, I already said I would," Lupin said, forcing a smile.
"I might as well," I add with a sigh. I don't want to. Not really. But Flitwick's always been a kind and good teacher. It's hard not to accept his request. Especially if you like him. And I did like him, now as his colleague and back when I was his student.
We both liked him.
"Splendid. Now, Remus…"
I only half listened. I've been through the orientation time and time again.
Usually, it was conducted by the rest of the staff with Professor Dumbledore leading it as well as a "what-to-do-if-Harry-thinks-there's-a-Death-Eater-attack-again" part.
Those were entertainingly frightening, even though there was only one meeting that had that—last year. But when it happens once (two years ago), you can expect it to happen again (which it did at the end of last spring).
Half an hour later, Flitwick finished the meeting and looked at me.
"I've nothing to add," I say.
"Gentlemen," Flitwick said, standing. We remained seated, somewhat shocked that he'd address as adults, though I shouldn't be surprised by it. He doesn't see us as boys anymore. "I know this year might be a little…difficult for the two of you, but please, try to be civil."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Lupin said, glancing at me.
"Yes you do, Remus. And so do you, Severus. The tension was stifling."
We wince. Or at least I do.
Flitwick may have known or maybe he didn't. After all, it was no secret that Lupin and I were enemies at school. Or relationship back then, however, was.
Flitwick left the compartment. Lupin and I exchanged looks.
"Severus…"
"No. It was a long time ago, Lupin. And I don't forgive easily."
"I know, but—"
"No. It's been too long. It was ages ago. Another lifetime, if anything."
"Merlin's beard, you haven't grown up at all!" he exclaimed. "How is it that you're still so much a child, Severus? Yes, we were children. But we weren't curious and it wasn't experimentation. I genuinely loved you and I missed you. So you should know I'd never dare hurt you. That was all Sirius. I know things can't go back the way they used to be. But we're going to be working together this year. We should at least try to be friends."
I avert my gaze. I look at him again, study him. He's older, more worn out. Thinner. Somewhat sicklier. I shake my head. "I don't know if that's possible, Remus."
We can be enemies or we can be lovers. But friends was never something we managed to be successfully.