Yay! Happsmily gave me a crack-luscious paring!
First Glances…
Paring: SadoxMayuri
Rating: T But a bit more perverted if ya' squint, oh and there's swearing.
Disclaimer: I own Bleach! ...Okay, only in my mind.
Word Count: 1, 896
AN: All yaoi parings will be dealt with by the Soul Society Yaoi Club, so remember that name it's going to come up a lot more. Oh, and don't complain about the time this took to get up, I had family problems/.Hack//G.U. Oh, and all of the one-shots are going to be connected in a really messed up way so they're not really one-shots.
On to the almighty crack fic!
--- ---
He was the 12th Division's Taicho. Mayuri Kurosatchi, the feared and despised Taicho of 12th division didn't fall in love. Nope, no way in hell. He had Unohana 'take care' of his feelings back when he upgraded his body. Unless…Damn that bitch! Maybe he did experiment on the 4th Division a bit more then the other divisions, but that bitch!
Now of course all of this wouldn't be near as bad as it is if it were someone from the Soul Society. Hell he would even rather have a perverted teen-age crush on that Youroichi person. Sadly though, he had fallen in love with a human. Yes, a dirty human. Wait! Don't say dirty, didn't mean it like that…Probably.
Worst of all it was one of that Kurosaki boy's friends. Mayuri hasn't been allowed near Ichigo since that time he tried to see if he could survive eating poisonous fleas…But it was for the love of science! Actually, that was the first time he met his mysterious (In Mayuri's dreams) lover.
The tall, dark, and handsome man had lifted Ichigo up and away before Mayuri could force-feed the poor little strawberry. Tall, dark and handsome, yeah that was the best way to describe that specimen. Oh what a specimen he was…
Even knowing that Mayuri's (He-only-wishes) lover is human and will most likely never feel the same thing back, he still sits in an empty class in Kanakura High wearing a gigai that makes him look 16 and human. Even knowing that this plan is going to fail the second they figure out it's him and not some new blue-haired kid.
Somehow, hours have passed now and Mayuri has been forced to sit with Ichigo's group of friends. God, that brown-haired hyper kid is going to be killed one day… On the upside though, he's here eating lunch too. His perfect dark-skinned jaw line moves with every bite, and those full lips close around each piece of sushi so delicately. It could make a person wonder what else those lips can do. But now he's sitting beside Mayuri asking him if he's hungry. Damn, he forgot when he's in gigai he has to eat like humans do.
Lunch had gone well, okay so they just sat quietly and ate. But at least Sado hadn't noticed Mayuri staring at him intently every time he sucked on his straw! Well hopefully he didn't notice; but things had gone well! Why else would he be sitting in Kurosaki's room 'studying' with the group from Kanakura High? Keigo had nothing to do with it. Mayuri's a man made of many charms, no really! Well he can keep telling himself that…
--- ---
But now the others have gone down to the kitchen for snacks and Mayuri and Chad are alone, together, in a room with a bed that looks like it could take a nice beating. Fuck his heart is beating too quickly, the room is to hot, and his pants are getting a bit too tight.
"Hey…Are you okay?" The tall boy of who was object to Mayuri's infatuation stood abruptly.
If any bit possible his heart swelled up in his chest and began to beat harder. The silent boy walked towards the dumb-struck Taicho.
"I…Saw you watching me at lunch."
Mayuri gulped, hoping this wasn't going to lead to him being in a Living World hospital because he couldn't get out of his gigai quickly enough.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" Mayuri hid is flustered face under his hands, fuck he was acting like a school girl with a crush on her Math Teacher.
The Mexican advanced slowly towards Mayuri with an expression that the highly blushing Mayuri couldn't quite read. Sado paused and knelled before Mayuri and brushed his hand away from the blushing gigai's face.
"You really shouldn't cover your face like that when you look so pretty."
Holy Schnitzel! Did he just say a run-on sentence? That must've been a new record! And did he just call him pretty?
"I-I…"
Sado moved closer and an entrancing speed and captured Mayuri's lips in a sweet and almost confused kiss. But the kiss didn't last long for neither knew what the hell they were doing. Sado was the one to pull away first, a new stain of pink was spreading across his usually perfect face.
Mayuri blushed harder and looked down quickly. "I-I…you…?"
Sado stayed quiet and look as if he was thinking over a crime he just committed. Did he think Mayuri didn't want this? Like he forced himself on the Blue-haired Shinigami?
Damn, this was not turning out as planned. Wait was there ever even a plan? Oh yeah, come to the living world, force Urahara to make him a gigai and hope for the best in his love life. Yup, friggin' great plan. But now it seems like they took two steps forward and ten back. Didn't they just kiss? Should things be all good and happy? Screw awkwardness, this was starting to piss off the Taicho!
Mayuri grabbed Sado by the collar of the pineapple and strawberry shirt he was wearing today and kissed him, not much of a kiss really. Just something to show that he cared; he wanted this as much as the dark skinned boy across from him did.
"See, I told you everything would work out fine if I gave him sexy feminine curves." Urahara sat outside Ichigo's window peering in on the scene that was evolving; accompanied by Matsumtoto, Unohana, and Nemu Kurotsuchi.
"Yes, but if me and Nemu had given him the sleeping pills then altered his emotions this wouldn't even be possible." Unohana quietly said with a smile gracing her lips.
"Maaaa, good point Unohana-Taicho. But I still think 'accidentally' slipping those gay pornographic books into Chad's book bag definitely changed his mind on relationships with the same sex." Matsumtoto grinned idiotically.
"But do you think Nanao, Yachiru, Soifon and Youroichi can distract Ichigo and his friends long enough for anything to happen?" Urahara frowned slightly; maybe leaving all of the work up to the Soul Society's Yaoi Club wasn't such a good idea.
A crashing sound came from the room currently occupied by the two nervous males, causing not only the Soul Society's Yaoi Club members to rush into the room but Karin Kurosaki too.
"OH. MY. GOD." Karin quickly turned a shade of red brighter then the cat in the hat's hat, accompanied by a look of sheer horror. Urahara hid is face behind a fan he magically pulled out of nowhere, Matsumoto was squealing, Nemu looked mentally disturbed and Unohana just sat there quietly like her brain just died.
The room fell to an eerie silence that nobody was really in the mood to break for the moment. Many questions raced through the minds of the females (and Urahara) in the room, where they just…? Well they didn't really have much time to think on anything because a certain strawberry came through the door looking extremely pissed followed by a Yachiru covered in random pieces of candy and a black cat who was practically getting molested by Soifon.
Ichigo looked at the unfolded scene in his room and became incoherent. "W-Wh-WHAT the hell? First I get bombarded with sugary sweets, then I'm not allowed to go upstairs to the bathroom and now Chad and some random un-natural hair-color kid are…What the hell are they doing?! And in MY room?!"
Silence followed yet again, nobody had anything to say or wanted to say anything. Well, until Yachiru spoke up. "EASTER BUUNA!" The rabid sugar high child jumped onto the back of Sado who was currently sporting a playful Play-boy-bunny suit, thus knocking him over and accidentally flipping up the very mini mini-skirt part of the costume.
Mayuri, who had stayed quiet up until now, grumbled something incoherent and passed out because of lack of blood.
The Soul Society Yaoi Club backed away towards the window slowly. "So…Ermm Ichi-chan we'll just be on our way…!" Matsumoto was the first one out that window and running as far away from the Kurosaki house as possible.
"Sorry…Ichigo." Sado muffled quietly still trying to pretend he wasn't there. But oh, he was there and Ichigo wasn't going to let him forget that; especially since this is HIS room and he has to clean the broken window and the blood spill; it kind of felt like a CSI crime scene in there…
After the two hours it had taken to clean Ichigo's room, wake up the unconscious Mayuri, get everyone the hell out of Ichigo's house, and explain to Issin that Urahara isn't here anymore so he can get out of the bondage, Karin Kurosaki finally came out of state of shock/fear/Fangirlsim. Hell she's going to need one heck of a therapist to get her through this. (And the mental image of Issin in a very small G-string.)
--- ---
(Some where in the Soul Society's Yaoi Club headquarters?)
"So…I take it operation M.M.F.L is completed successfully?" Matsumoto tried to look professional and evened up some of the notes Yachiru drew in her hands.
"Hai, but what does M.M.F.L stand for anyways?" Youroichi tapped her fingers in an un-amused manner, while running away both Soifon and Yachiru hurt her tail; but both had different reasons.
" Make, Mayuri, fall in love. What else?"
"But why isn't there an I?" Nemu pointed out while also going through the group's notes looking for other grammar errors.
"That's not important, what is important is that Mayuri is now caught up in romance so he'll stop using my division as test subjects." Unohana looked fiercely at Nemu, daring her to complain.
Matsumoto slammed her hands on the desk in front of her. "GIRLS! This isn't the time to argue, we have to plan our next mission…"
"Yay! We're going to help Ichi-chan out of his angsty teen-ager moments!" Yachiru had now calmed down from her sugar and was occupying herself with pictures Soifon had taken in secret of Ichigo being an emo bitch.
Soifon rolled her eyes. "So what, where going to teach a kid how to masturbate? "
"No, much more then that…Heh heh heh."
Urahara sat quietly in the headquarters he had been dragged into while running away. 'When had Matsumtoto learned how to be evil? ...Damn you soap operas.' "Ermmmm…Hey where's Nanao?"
(Meanwhile…Somewhere in a Yaoi Manga store…)
Nanao had totally lost her self in Gravitation and some hardcore yaoi. "Umm guys? Where are you?"
Next time in Teh wonderful Bleach Crack Fairy!: Hollow Ichigo gives Ichigo an offer, but will Ichigo accept his non-trustworthy hollow or be a sappy emo bitch?