If Only
Dean meets Anna on a Thursday.
Her hair is flaming red, she's nice and fun and in any other circumstances Dean knew he would like her.
He just can't bring himself to now.
Cas is looking at her, love struck eyes shining and Dean pushes down the jealousy he feels and smiles, gently mocking his best friend. It's something he's had too much practice with.
Anna corners him alone when Cas leaves to go and get the car, since there's no parking near Dean's flat.
"Do you think I'm dumb?" she asks.
Dean's washing up and he looks over towards the red haired girl. The question is legitimately asked, not the mocking tone Dean associates with it.
"I think you're very smart indeed. Cas has particular tastes, and one of them is being able to match him in a conversation." Dean's ignoring the issue, hoping that Anna will as well. She doesn't.
There's pity in her eyes as she walks over. "I'm sorry," she says, and it's heart breakingly sincere.
"Don't," Dean warns. He sighs and pauses, looking down at his hands. He doesn't want anyone to know, and the look in Anna's eyes right now is the reason. "Listen to me. He likes you. He really likes you. So you go and you make him happy, you hear me? I don't matter." He turns back to the sink. "Just make him happy."
"I don't know if I could do that," Anna says softly. "Destroy someone's dream."
"Yeah we'll you aren't going to. I just want him to be happy." He looks her dead in the eye. "I know he could be happy with you."
"I think you know him better than you know yourself."
Dean shrugs. "Maybe." he can't bring himself to think of the hours he's spent listening watching looking hearing observing the other man. He definitely knows Cas better than he knows himself.
Anna keeps going out with Cas. Dean watches as his best friend falls in love and tries not to hate himself for wanting it to be him. He doesn't succeed.
Against all odds Anna and Dean become friends as well. Sam only looks at him sadly when he talks about Cas and the only other person who knew was his mother, and she took that secret with her to her grave.
They have something in common – they both love Cas.
Cas is giddy one night and when Dean asks he looks around before pulling out a small box. Dean knows what's inside it before Cas opens it.
"I'm going to propose to Anna," he confides, and Dean doesn't let himself feel anything. He nods and hugs Cas and takes what he can. "Will you be my best man?" Cas asks, serious as ever.
"Do you even have to ask?" Dean says. Cas gives him a rare smile, and it lights something inside him, which he shoves down as soon as he feels it.
Sam just shakes his head sadly when Dean tells him.
He's across the road when Cas gets down on one knee. Leaning up against the doorframe inside a shadow, only Anna's artist eyes could have made him out. When Cas leaves she texts him and asks why he's loitering. He doesn't respond, but he sees the understanding in her eyes when they flick up to him after Cas asks her to marry him.
She says yes, of course.
Dean clenches his jaw and closes his eyes.
In the months leading up to the wedding Cas has the bright idea of trying to set him up with someone. Deans dated, but only half-heartedly after he met Cas. It was more of a show than anything.
Cas keeps suggesting all these cousins, since he has a billion of them. Dean shakes his head to each, not eating, just moving his food around his plate. Anna is trying to divert the conversation but Cas won't be budged. She finally manages to change the track of his mind when she asks what cake flavour he wants. Dean's not sure which conversation was worse. Anna flicks him a look, like she knows. She always knows. Anna is too perceptive for her own good.
The date approaches too quickly. It's not too long before Dean is admiring Anna in her dress.
"I don't know if I can do this." She blurts it out so quickly, like it's nothing. Dean nearly breaks the glass he's holding.
"Look at me." He walks up to her and puts his himself into her space. "You are going to do this. You are not going to wuss out and leave. You are going to marry him and you are going to have kids and a normal life and you're going to be happy. You are going to take the most beautiful situation you have ever been given and you are going to hang into it with both hands and you are never going to let it go."
And shakes her head. "I don't think I can do it. Not with you."
Dean feels cold. "I can leave if you want. You don't ever have to see me after today."
Anna looks horrified. "Don't be ridiculous! We're friends Dean. I couldn't ever ask you to leave him."
"I'd do it."
Anna looks like she's going to slap him. "No. Don't ever say that."
So Dean says it with his eyes instead of his mouth.
"Don't cry," he soothes her when her eyes start tearing up. "You'll wreck the make-up."
"You're crying," she sniffles.
"Yeah but I'm not wearing any make up Anna. I'm allowed to. You have to look perfect all day today."
Samandriel looks confused when he finds them crying and hugging in the waiting room. "Dean we need you up on the altar. Anna only half an hour to go."
Samandriel leaves and Anna delicately wipes her face. "I can still call this off you know," she tells him. "You don't have to do this."
"Don't be ridiculous," he says, mirroring her. "He wants this."
"But do you?" Anna asks him shrewdly.
Dean gives her a look.
"Sorry," she mutters. "Stupid question."
"What's a stupid question?" Ruby asks as she walks into the room.
"Nothing," Dean says quickly and Anna regards him quietly. "Get her ready. Less than an hour until the event!"
Dean can act. He can be happy – at least on the outside. He's had too much practice. Only Sam and Anna can see what he's really feeling. Only they see the subtle hints he drops in his speech. Everyone else applauds his toast and they all probably think it was marvellous and funny. They probably didn't think the person saying it had a heart that was slowly fracturing.
Anna and Cas have their first dance, but not before Dean sees the mix of guilt and sadness in Anna's eyes. It's something he's grown used to seeing in her expression. He sends her his best 'be happy' face. She smiles at him.
Dean plays the perfect host and best friend and tries not to look when Cas leads Anna upstairs.
When everyone's one gone and there's only the two cleaners and the one bar staff left Dean makes his way over to the bar.
The name tag she's wearing says Tessa and Dean thinks it's a pretty name.
He's considering hitting on her and taking her somewhere and pretending she has blue eyes instead of dark brown but decides in the end that that would just be pathetic.
She raises an eyebrow at him. "You look tired," she says. It could be just a casual observation – it is quarter to two after all. But Dean senses the hidden question underneath.
"I am tired," he says. "And now that no one's around, I'd like a drink please."
Tessa raises an eyebrow again. "Bit late for that don't you think?" she pours him a shot glass anyway.
"Not yet. I can probably still lose the majority of tonight's memories of I start drinking now."
"You're not happy about something. Everything tonight was an act. I can tell, I've done acting classes. And no one can be that peppy for eight hours straight."
Huh. Maybe this bar tender was smarter than she looked. She pours him another shot after he drains his.
"What if I told you I just saw the love of my life get married?"
Tessa raises both eyebrows this time. "What, red head?"
Dean shakes his head slowly and Tessa's eyes grow sad. "Oh."
"Yeah," Dean says bitterly. "Oh."
Tessa doesn't say anything else after that, just keeps pouring him shot glasses.
Cas is happy. Dean didn't think it would hurt so much. Anna falls pregnant. She tells Dean first and Dean is almost as excited as her. He asks if he can touch her belly and when she says yes he reverently places his hand there. He can almost imagine that he can feel the tiny life growing inside. He smiles at Anna and she smiles back.
"I'm going to protect them," Dean vows. Anna's smile turns shy and happy.
"Thank you," she says.
Cas is immensely excited as well. They make all the preparations and Dean can slowly feel himself being pushed to the side. He doesn't mind. The baby should come first.
Dean is with Anna at the bank when it happens. Her tummy's round now, and you can imagine the twins that are living inside it. One boy and one girl, the doctor says.
The thieves must have chosen Anna because she was pregnant. They must have thought that no one would interfere if there was a risk of an unborn baby being killed. They didn't think that it would just enrage someone, someone who has never put his own safety before those of others.
Dean manages to take down two of the thieves before the third shoots him.
Anna is crying and Dean can feel her tears and can hear the sirens in the distance but he knows that they won't get here in time.
He uses the last of his strength to grab Anna.
"Take care of the kids, okay?" Anna nods.
"Of course." her voice is trembling and she has to lean in to hear Dean's light rasp.
"And do me a favour and tell him?" Anna knows what he's talking about and she nods jerkily. "It doesn't have to be today. It doesn't have to be in a year. Just, someday. Please."
Anna nods again and that's the last thing Dean sees before he closes his eyes.
The paramedics treat Anna for shock. When Cas comes and he finds out they treat him for shock as well. Cas holds her and Anna cries and thinks that she doesn't deserve him. She can think of someone with too bright green eyes that deserved him.
Dean and Naomi are sleeping soundly in the stroller, but Sam promises to look after them anyway. They're nearly getting to big for it. He has already visited Dean's grave. The twins are sleeping and Anna makes sure they'll stay that way before checking on Rachel. The youngest is also sleeping, a rare blessing. There couldn't have been better timing. She follows her husband through the graveyard to where Dean is, under a hazelnut tree. The hazelnuts are annoying and get everywhere and nearly trip you over and attract wildlife but Anna loves it. She feels like Dean would have liked it as well.
Cas is sitting next to the grave and Anna waits for her husband to finish talking to his best friend, like he does every year. This is the fourth anniversary. Anna thinks that maybe it's time to get her secret off her chest.
She sits down opposite Cas and looks over at the man she loves. She wouldn't have changed anything, not for the world.
Cas deserves to know.
"I promised him something," she starts. "Well, two things really."
Cas looks up at her in confusion. "You said he died right away?"
Anna shook her head. "He didn't. He made me promise something."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Cas asks. He looks confused and upset.
"It wasn't the right time." Anna tells him. "He made me promise to look after the kids. I think I've done a good job of that, and I'm going to continue to do a good job. The other thing was that he wanted me to tell you." Anna pauses, takes a deep breath.
"What Anna? Tell me what?" Cas asks.
"That he loved you." Cas still looks confused. "Not in a brotherly way Castiel," she continues softly. "in the way that I love you and you love me." Cas is sitting there with his mouth open. "I picked it, of course. Our first meeting. I asked him if he thought I was stupid. He deflected the question but when I pushed he just said he wanted you to be happy. That's all. Nothing for him, just that he wanted you to be happy. So I'm telling you now, when I probably should have told you years ago when I first met him. You know now, and that's what matters, I suppose. I truly don't think I could have done that. He was the most selfless person I have ever come across. You never knew. And he never cared."
Cas is still looking at her, completely floored.
Anna left him there.
Now their children have a story to tell – when someone asks Dean where his name comes from, Dean will stumble through the story of selflessness and tragedy and bravery. His classmates never grasped the full extent of what he meant, but there was often a teacher wiping an eye at the end when they heard it for the first time.
And Cas still visits Dean's grave every year, even when he can hardly walk down the path. But Anna never goes anymore, because she could never give Dean anything when he was alive, but she could give him this.
She could hope that Cas's love found him, wherever he was.