Never Is A Promise – Fiona Apple
Degrassi – not mine.
Note- I've just gotten into Degrassi this week, so while I saw a couple early episodes online- the one where sean and ellie get together, the one where she starts to cut, and the one where she moves in -among some less ellie centered episodes, so this story probably is confusing when placed within the shows timeline. So think of it as separate. If you want to timeline it, it's before she moves in with sean. I love reviews 3
Never is a Promise
You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow – the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you
Fall was her favorite season, it was change, it was color, it was death and preservation. Ellie knew fall, she knew the need to fall, she did fall. She twirled she spun in a graceless dance dictated by the winds and the only way she could control her decent was by hitting the ground. So she did, almost everyday before a breeze, a gust, a storm, whipped her up again.
She ran a finger along the edge of a piece of chipped paint, her feet dangling a couple inches off the ground. She loved park benches because they were high and she felt like a little girl, sitting between her mommy and daddy being told to stop swinging her feet. But she swung them anyway, pretended she was dancing like in those old movies her parents loved.
Now as she swung her legs she pretended she was pumping, making her swing go higher and higher until she fell off into the clouds, until she was free. Her fingers brushed along the inside of her left arm, before snapping the band at her wrist.
Ellie Nash was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. She knew a lot of things, she knew a lot of realities. She knew how to cook dinner, how to pay the bills, how to run a house, how to take care of a ….child?
Her mom was probably passed out now, her deadly love affair with Jack was one sided but she never saw it that way. She just poured the clear liquid down. What was she trying to forget? What about all those commercials she saw?
I wanted to stop drinking for my daughter, AA helped me. If you're thinking about quitting, or know someone who has a problem, our doors are always open.
Was she not reason enough to quit?
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention – to you
She was looking for love, acceptance, anything she could get. So when he touched them, ran his fingers over the beginning of her collection before lacing his hand with hers, she didn't know what to do. What does one do with something like love, or the possibility of love? She knew he was into some…bad…stuff, she knew his background was a collage of mistakes, his and others.
But none of it mattered…it was how they started and she just, she just wanted someone to touch her. A hug, a hand on her shoulder, she craved it and he gave it.
He smiled crooked smiles at her, he threw her sideways glances so they could roll their eyes at some stupid thing someone did together.
And she, Ellie, fell in love and her control slipped further.
Sometimes she felt like Mustafa from the Lion King. Her fingers scraping at the ledge, trying desperately to hold on. But then her mom would lean over and she would fall again. Fall into bed, spring up with sweat between her shoulder blades. And Sean would glance at her. "You okay?"
Didn't he get it? She was always okay. Always.
You say you understand, but you don't understand
You say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie
He walked up behind the bench, and rested his arms across the back leaning down.
"El, can we talk a second?"
She tore her eyes away from the maple leaves falling and decorating the ground. A grave yard of color and soft fleshy leaves, she picked one up- the veins in it were visible. She made a crescent moon mark in its yellow flesh with her finger nail.
"Sure, shoot."
"El, I think we need to do something about your mom."
She tipped her head back against the bench, looking up from between where his arms rested. The sky was a lovely gray blue.
"Lets go to your house, we'll pour out all of the…of it. Then you can come back with me and we'll meet with someone. Discuss options."
"That's so sweet," she leaned against his arm, "But it don't have any options. I have to stay, I have to take care of her."
He threw his hands up, her head fell against the bench. "Damn it Ellie! This is killing you." She whished he would shut up. Hug her, kiss it better.
He walked a few paces away, she could hear the leaves crunch under his worn in sneakers. He let out a sigh, walked over and knelt in front of her.
"El," he took her hands, "Ellie," He ran a hand up her arm gripping her elbow, shook it lightly.
"Ellie look at me."
She let her eyes tip towards his, indifference painted across her face.
"You don't see it. I need you to understand me El, for my sake we have to do something. I know you're scared, you feel out of control- so lets take control okay? You and me, we'll do it together. This is killing me too."
You'll never touch – these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown – to you
Mrs. Nash stumbled into the kitchen. Where was that girl, her daughter was always out, she couldn't remember seeing her baby girl in weeks. She reached up and pulled her liquid solution down from the top shelf. Guilt consumed her for a moment, but then the top was off and the solution was gurgled, the solution to everything in the world.
It numbed the pain, it sent her crashing on a high she couldn't control- she only had to ride and she loved that. More than she loved her daughter? Her dark eyebrows met, forming a line across her forehead. More liquor collected in her stomach. She forgot the question.
Funny how they were a contradiction, Ellie longed for the control, any way she could prove to herself that she could control her own life. Ellie floated along the surface of physical pain, raw and real, unlike the muted emotions that filled her lungs making it hard to breathe. Her mommy, her mother wanted nothing more than for the control to be gone, to not have to focus on the weights of motherhood, of adulthood. She longed not to feel anything, just the giggles that burst forth tickling the back of her constantly burning throat.
You'll say, don't fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie
He looked up at her from where he was kneeling, waiting for a reaction. "I'm hurting you?" she rolled her shoulders subconsciously bringing her hair around her face. Her impassiveness melted, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to." Her lips pouted her eyes closed.
Sean stood up and sat beside her, maneuvering her to lie against his chest. "Remember when I walked in, and you had fallen asleep? You were half off the bed, I tried to move you because I thought you might fall off. You must have forgotten I was sneaking in because your arm was torn up and dried blood was all over the sheets." He kissed the top of her head. "I cried for half an hour."
"I'm sorry, we can break up-"
"That's not what this is about El, I don't want to break up. I want you to stop, for me."
An AA commercial briefly flickered in her mind. I wanted to stop drinking for my daughter…
"Okay."
He lifted her sleeve, finding the new cut he knew would be there and brought it to his lips. He kissed it lightly, "Okay, well this one's been initiated into the collection, but it's the last membership I'm giving. No one else can join the little club you got dancing on your arm okay?"
She giggled, moving farther into his chest. "Okay."
You'll never live the life that I live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
He invited Marco and Ashley, they were her safety blankets he knew. It was important she felt safe. They ran through the house, opening cupboards, drawers, looking under beds and in boxes. They laughed, like it was a treasure hunt and Marco rolled around Matrix style.
They brought it all out back, sat around the grill and poured it in then lit it on fire. Ellie smiled as she watched the smoke curl up into the sky. Her arm locked with Ashley's she flashed Sean a smile that reached her eyes.
Things were getting better. They were.
She felt less like a leaf and more like the tree the wind would have to fight to topple.
Marco walked over and planted a kiss on her cheek. "It's your new start pretty girl."
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention – to you
The city always made Ellie Nash smile. It was lights and noise and color and sound. She twirled arms outstretched. "Come on Marco, pick up the pace-we came all the way out here to see your Indi film." She poked him in the ribs.
"Knock it off El," he shoved her lightly, but smiled at her freeness. Ellie was like a little kid sometimes, full of life and energy. She rarely showed it though, everything was under lock and key.
"Hey El, I talked to Sean today." He pulled her over and locked his arm with hers, "He said you were trying to stop cutting."
She glanced at him through the corner of her eye panic snapping between her ears. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She pulled away, "Hi Marco, how was your day today. Mine was good I haven't cut in three whole days and I got an A on my math test. I know surprising right? I never get A's in math." Her voice was light and mocking. Marco didn't laugh. He stopped in the middle of the street people dashing around him, a stream around a rock. She noticed his absence and turned around to walk back to him. She got four feet away before he lunged at her and rapped her in a hug.
She felt his tears on her neck and tightened her own hug back. "What's wrong?" She ran a hand along his back.
"Isn't it obvious!" His voice was loud and harsh, he held her an arms length away. "Ellie, I'm crying for you. I'll always cry for you, you're my best friend. And I'll always be there for you. Didn't you know that?" His voice softened.
"Yeah…I just wanted to be strong enough to cope on my own."
"You did that real well."
Ellie focused on the gray sidewalk. "Sometimes being strong means asking for help." He whispered into her hair, like it was some big secret.
She looked up at him. "And you can always ask me for help okay?" He pulled back and kissed her cheek.
"Okay." Her voice sounded so demure she almost didn't recognize it.
He locked arms with her again, "Come on El, you're going to make us miss the previews."
She smiled.
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie
Yes? No? I feel like I was with the lyrics in the beginning and then towards the end it's like what? But if you hear the music I think you'll get it better. I liked having Marco in it. Although I haven't seen a whole lot of Degrassi- it seems to be Ellie's cutting problem isn't addressed very well, and it also seems like Marco never finds out about it, which I think is weird. One of my best friends cuts-or cut and it just seemed like Degrassi wasn't very realistic about it. It lasted for like four episodes, three of them in passing- my friend is STILL dealing with cutting she's relapsed twice. Wouldn't it be interesting of Ellie had a relapse? Hmmm Food for Thought…. Maybe someone will write a story about a relapse? Hmm?
Review?
Love always,
FN