I have no idea where this came from, I decided to write something new ad this happened so... I have no idea where it's going but I quite liked it xx
Damaged goods
Parents don't really realize the damage their occasional slight remarks cause. On some level I know it is not their fault really. Sometimes they just don't realize they've forgotten to turn on their internal filters. On some occasions though, they do realize what they've said but seem to assume that you won't remember or that you simply don't understand. From a young age I'd realised that my Mum and Dad's relationship wasn't the same as other kids' in my class. For one my Mum was a good 5 years younger than the rest of the Mum's and she somehow seemed ashamed to be with me. It wasn't so much at home, just the odd little things at nursery- I remember other parents would stand and talk on the playground, mine wouldn't. We'd sit in the car and wait for the bell and then she'd walk me to the door. It was one day he said something, thinking I didn't understand when I did, that stuck with me. Mum's exact words were "Life would be so much easier without you sometimes" at the time it didn't really register, but as I got older and the phrase was thrown around a little more than any child would have liked to hear, I began to understand that Mum actually meant the words.
I think as I got older I began to understand her resentment towards me; she was 17 when she had me, and I only existed because of her and Dad had an affair and got a little forgetful. I wasn't until Abi was born a few years later I realised how different they were around her, she was wanted where I wasn't. I think that's where my strong bond with Uncle Jack comes in. Every weekend he'd take me out, even if it was to the park or just to his house, he never broke his promise. He was always there for me and we had an understanding. You'd think that because I was older my parents would have understood I was much more aware and I actually had feelings. There were little comments thrown around here and there, all of which could be taken lightly or taken them as they were meant.
At 13 Dad had had another affair luckily no more children were created in the process, just the breaking apart of my brother's marriage and then subsequently the breaking of Mum and Dad's. Oh no actually I take the previous comment back, my brother was created, which brought Mum and Dad back together. Lucky us ay? It was about this time things for me took an all-time low.
By no means was I the attention seeking sort, but when it comes to the point when you Mum forgets to pick you up from school and your Dad shouts bye to his other kids when he leaves every morning, and not you, you decide enough is enough. I took action and turned up on Uncle Jack's doorstep with bags in hand. You know it took nearly 5 hours before they even realised I was missing? Dad eventually turned up apologizing and doing his concerned dad act, I think I'd begged Uncle Jack to adopt me at one point. And in hindsight it might not have been a bad idea. Long story short. Dad left, Mum got cancer, I turned to alcohol, fell so deep in Love with my cousin it was painful and then I nearly died.
Sorry to be blunt but that's really how it was. There was no point in lying about it, lies get you know where, I learnt that the hard way. Things had changed a lot in two months. I wasn't living on the square anymore, at home with Mum and Dad. To be honest, I shouldn't really call it that, it stopped feeling like home years ago. I wasn't even living in London.
I was somewhere new- somewhere different, somewhere I didn't really want to be. People say in here, that it's for the best. It's the best decision I ever made. Not really. I'll never be able to understand why I felt the need to stay in hear as long as I have been. I could have easily gone a year ago. But that would have meant facing things, facing the truth.
The Truth being, I was damaged goods, I wasn't worth effort, but that doesn't stop your heart from yearning. It doesn't stop you from wanting your own personal addiction and I'm not talking about the Alcohol. That's no longer an addiction; it's a temptation but not as much as Joey is. He's my temptation now and he's the thing my heart keeps screaming for, I try to stop it but nothing works. Deep down it's him I want and frankly I think it's him I need too.
Thoughts ? want it to carry on ? any ideas as too how ? xxx