This is the first chapter I have written in years, about fucking time. I probably still have readers sitting, in now skeleton form, waiting for the next chapter of my stories I have yet to finish from years ago. But what can you do. Well I could update. Meh. Had a daydream and this story formed itself in my head. I promise you, I will upload within the next week or so. It's a date.
HP/DM Rated M for future chapters, you horny people. They need to wash their mouths out with soap though, the swearing is atrocious.
I do not own any part in the Harry Potter books. Not even a house elf. Ain't no one trying to steal your story J.K.
Chapter One
"Never fucking again will I listen to you for a chocolate frog..."
I was done. Done with the sarcasm, done with the malicious comments, done with the hexes. Just. Done. Malfoy was going to regret ever holding out that pale, pathetic little hand of his in our first year and therefor causing this feud which had lasted between us these last five years. I had fucking Voldemort to deal with, not some white ferret faced, stupid wanker who's only passion in life was to fuck with mine. He was going to regret it big time.
"Alright Harry?" The Weasley twins said in unison, turning to look at me from their seats at the grand, mahogany tables in the Great Hall. Their plates were piled high with foods of different shapes and colours, I never could name all the selections that were served to us at meal times, but damn they tasted good. Much better than the burnt leftovers that had always been served to me at the Dursleys. I was still convinced they had burnt it on purpose.
I sat down next to the twins and leaned in. Leaning in to Fred and George was the sign that you were up to mischief and needed their help. Their business faces were on.
"I need a potion. Something that is going to make Malfoy suffer for at least a good few weeks. I can't take any more of his taunts. I either take him out of action for a while with a potion, or I hex him with one of the unforgivables and gladly go to Azkaban. I'm still leaning towards the latter," I mutter under my breath, nodding my head in Seamus Finnegan's direction as he walks past.
"Got just what you need mate," Fred answers with a broad grin; pulling out a small, nameless vial of clear potion and putting it in my hand.
"What is it?" I ask, putting my open hand on my lap under the table and surveying the small bottle. There had to only be four large drops of potion in this thing, how would that ever last a month?
"We haven't named it yet," George whispers back, waving at someone in the distance before turning back to me, "and we haven't tested it yet. We were just wondering who would be our test rat too."
"Or should we say ferret." The twins snigger for a second, before regaining composure.
"What does it do?" I asked them, dropping the vial in the inside pocket of my robes before grabbing a bowl and beginning to ladle some sort of soup into it. I grabbed a fresh bread roll and ripped a chunk of the warm, steaming bread off. "It won't kill him will it?"
I dip the bread in my soup and eat, pumpkin. Delicious.
"Don't sound too hopeful Harry," Fred grins in my ear, beginning to shovel the food from his plate into his mouth somewhat less than gracefully. He drops his voice low "couple of drops of this and that moron will be feeling nauseous, dizzy, tired and tipsy. Three weeks is what we're guessing it'll last for before it wears off completely, nothing like it out there. It's like a never ending hangover."
"Bloody hell mate, that's what we should call it!" George slaps Fred on the arm in glee and they do some sort of weird high five.
"When are you going to give it to him? You'll need to put it in his drink whenever you do, that stuff tastes strong mate and you'll need something equally strong to cover the taste of it. He needs to drink the lot for it to work," Fred explained between mouthfuls of bread and stew. I glanced up in thought and caught the gaze of two dark grey eyes watching me from a distance. A pointy nose beneath them, and a menacing smile followed on further inspection. I barely had time to narrow my eyes at him in suspicion before I saw a wave of his wand next to his face. The next thing I knew, my crotch was soaking wet with spilled juice dripping down from the table in front of me. I gritted my teeth and glared back up at him.
A thin blonde eyebrow raised and my psychic mind could already hear his gloating 'what are you going to do about it?'.
You'll see Malfoy, oh you'll see.
"Remember that time we pretended to be Crabbe and Goyle from Slytherin?" I said to Ron as I walked over to the bed he was sitting alone on. Ron's eyes lit up in fear and memory.
"Bloody hell Harry, would be a tough one to forget," he laughed, the fear still in his eyes at the fact I was bringing up such a random event.
"I'm doing it again." Ron smacked his forehead before wincing at the accidental amount of force that had gone into his reaction.
"It's been nice knowing you Harry, want me to help you pack your stuff up before or after you get expelled?" I could swear he was sounding more and more like Hermione every day, if they weren't pretending to study together then they were sitting talking about S.P.E.W. as if Ron even cared.
I held the thin pieces of hair I had taken from an unconscious Crabbe and held them up in front of Ron's face.
"Crabbe overstuffed on a three portion sized chip tonight, and will find himself passed out in the morning in the broom closet near the Quidditch fields. It's surprising how an invisibility cloak can hide someone hovering above students' heads," I laughed, tossing the small vial of hair at Ron. Ron caught it in his hand and twirled it slowly.
"Well I hope you have him knocked out for several weeks, considering how long it takes to make polyjuice potion," he sighed, dropping the vial on his bedside table.
"There is always polyjuice potion sitting around this castle…In the dungeons…Where a certain professor happens to make some for classes…in his store room…" Ron's mouth dropped open in gobsmacked horror.
When he finally managed to regain his composure, there were only two words that came out of his mouth.
"Fuck off. Fuck. Off. Fuck off? Fuck off!" I grinned and watched the colour drain from his face.
"I need your help mate. Just as a distraction. I'll do all the rest," I begged him, opening my bag and beginning to slowly lay out chocolate frog after chocolate frog. His eyes wavered for a second to the food and then back to me.
"Don't do this to me mate, I'll never make it out of there alive with that snake, I'd rather hex myself into oblivion." Ron pushed the chocolate frogs towards me and I sighed. Plan B.
"If you were to do it with me, then I was going to let you in on something I overheard Hermione saying to Luna that I thought you might like to know," I shrugged, picking up the vial of hair and getting off his bed, heading to mine a few feet over. I chucked the chocolate frogs and every flavour beans into the drawer next to mine and pretended that the conversation was over. There was a pause.
"Was it… about me?" He asked slowly, his voice an octave higher than it probably should be.
"Yep, and it was good." I had been going to tell him earlier this morning before I had been hexed into a frozen statue for two hours by a blonde haired idiot and forgetting all about the conversation.
Ron silently strode over to the side of my bed and looked at me with a hesitant glare. I held his gaze as he opened the bedside drawer and scooped all the sweets into his arms, before retreating to his bed and opening one.
"Better be fucking good."
The Slytherins had won their Quidditch match recently against the Ravenclaw team, and they were celebrating in the dungeons tonight. I had overheard a couple of Gryffindor girls giggling about sneaking in secretly. A dorm party with the Slytherins meant lots of alcohol and lots of people. All I needed to do was fetch him a drink as his precious hog Crabbe and watch him slowly shrink to the floor in a puddle of his own vomit. Beautiful.
A part of me did feel like what I was doing was very wrong, but it wasn't like I was sneaking him some sort of date rape drug. I'd even help him to bed so that no one would take advantage of him and I could have less on my conscience tomorrow morning, if it meant that what I had done wasn't expelling worthy.
Ron walked with shivering legs up to the Potions room door and gulped loudly next to me. Hidden under my cloak, I was ready to sneak in to the classroom to get to the store room. Professor OCD was bound to have it clearly labelled hanging around somewhere. Unlike his shampoo which had been lost on him for years.
"I don't like this Harry. I don't fucking like this," Ron whispered to me, raising a hand out to knock on the door.
"Don't panic, what's the worst he can do? Teachers aren't allowed to kill their students," I tried to reassure him.
"Tell that to all the ones who tried to murder you, Harry," He gulped, tapping the door.
I rolled my eyes, there was no way Snape would have heard that even if he had his ear pressed against the door on the other side. "Oh well, he mustn't be in, let's go!"
I banged the door with my fist and quickly hid it under cloak once more, seconds before the door was thrown open and a tall, slimy professor bared down on us. Or more rather Ron, seeing as I was invisible.
"Mr. Weasley, to what do I owe this…visit, to?" He drawled, narrowing his eyes down at the terrified ginger. Ron gulped, and I took Professor Snape's sudden shift in standing to slowly glide past him in the doorway.
"Well, I, I…Umm, I need to ask you something. About Potions so it is, umm, that homework you…That essay thing…You know the one…" Ron stammered, doing a weird little dance on the spot while staring up at the professor with horrified eyes. I covered my mouth in order not to wheeze from silently laughing and hurried over to the store room door, I quietly turned the handle and keeping my gaze fixed on Snape's back- slid in to find the potion.
My mouth dropped open in horror. It was a lot bigger than I could have prepared myself for. Hundreds of vials on neatly organized rows covering every wall. Labelled in small elegant script. I cleared my throat gently and looked at the first potion next to me. Aaron Aanxter's Deception Potion. Good, that meant it was alphabetized. I hurried through to the middle and rushed through checking all the labels. It wasn't here. Fuck. Fuck. I gripped my hands so hard together I could feel bones grinding together. Why the fuck was it not here? Where could it possibly be? He had to have some, he just had to… My eyes gazed down to the bottom of the rows and caught sight of a strange metallic vial sitting, unlabelled on its own shelf. I picked it up and took the top off, smelling it quickly and retching at the revolting, familiar scent. Found it.
Hurriedly stuffing the potion into my robes, I slid out of the store room and closed the door gently behind me, my gaze now back on Snape's lanky back.
I held my breath and slid back out, trying not to make any sudden movements when passing the unimpressed professor.
I poked Ron in the back to let him know I was here, like we had planned.
"You know what Professor… I-I just, I just forgot why…why I was here. Never mind! Ha..ha ha!" Ron looked as if he was about to cry.
"Ten points from Gryffindor, for your sheer stupidity, Mr. Weasley. If you put as much effort into Potions as you do making a fool of yourself, you would be my star pupil." The door slammed in Ron's face and he jumped back in shock, knocking us both to the ground.
A breathless laugh escaped me and I struggled up, offering my hand to Ron to help him before realizing I still had the cloak on.
"Never fucking again will I listen to you for a chocolate frog, now tell me what Hermione said!" Ron shouted in a fluster, tripping over himself getting up and then fixing his robes. I took off the invisibility cloak and packed it away in my bag where I also had a certain Slytherins larger robes packed away. We headed back up towards the girls bathroom where Moaning Myrtle was more than likely crying into her toilet bowl. I had decided the empty bathroom would probably be the best place to change into Crabbe, like the last time I'd used polyjuice potion.
"She was telling Luna that she wished you would just man up and take her by the shoulders and kiss her already, or tell her you felt the same. She seemed pretty flustered while Luna just looked at her like she was from another planet. You know what Luna gets on like. Then she said if you didn't do anything about it she was going to agree to go out on a date with Trevor McDruid, who's been pestering her." Ron's mouth sagged open in shock. It was about time Hermione said something, even if it had been to someone other than him.
"Well fuck me…" Ron muttered under his breath after a long time of walking in silence.
"No thanks mate, but if you play your cards right, maybe Hermione will." I barely dodge the punch aimed at my arm, and we run the rest of the way to the girls' bathroom laughing.
"Harry? Is that really you? It's been so long Harry, why haven't you come to visit me?" The range of emotions in Moaning Myrtle's voice when speaking a single sentence never failed to surprise me.
"Hello Myrtle, sorry I took so long," several years, "but I'm here now." Myrtle's eyes narrowed as she looked at the vial in my hand.
"You're up to something, Harry, give me one good reason why I shouldn't scream?" She said slowly, gliding down from the ceiling towards me in a slow twirl.
"You wouldn't do that to me Myrtle, would you?" I was in no way a lothario with girls, and Ron's muffled sniggering beside me would agree, but then again Myrtle was no normal girl.
She tucked away an invisible hair and looked at her shoes with a giggle, overcome with shyness.
"Well I hope it isn't what I think it is, your charms won't work whenever you look like a great big oaf again, Harry," she grinned, looking up at me with large round eyes behind round spectacles.
"That's exactly what it is, Myrtle, but it's for a good cause," I smiled back, taking Crabbe's robes out of my bag and walking into a cubicle.
Closing the door behind me I quickly took off my own robes and began to unbutton my shirt.
"What time is it, Ron?" I asked him through the door, unzipping my trousers and pulling them down.
"Half eight, Malfoy will be wondering where the other half of his retard couple are," he replied with a muffled laugh. It wasn't until I was stripped down to a pair of tight black boxers that I looked up to see what he was laughing at.
"Myrtle!" I shouted, putting both hands in front of my dignity and blushing hard.
"Nothing I haven't spied on before," she giggled, doing a quick twirl and facing the other way. I quickly threw on the larger robes and came out of the stall.
"You sure you want to do this mate? You don't have to you know- I'm sure we can spike him some other way?" He said desperately. If it was the other around, I would be saying the exact same things. But he hadn't been frozen for several hours, had all his quills turned into liquorice and been soaked at dinner. All in the space of one day.
I took out the vial of polyjuice potion and the vial of crabbe's rather greasy hair, before mixing the two. The smell was worthy of vomiting everywhere, but I did my best to keep it down.
"Cheers," I grinned nervously, downing the mixture in one.
The vomit came afterwards.
Hope you enjoyed, please leave a review and tell me what you think and keep an eye on the story xxxxxx