Date Night at the Movies 27.1 – A Decimal Number One-Shot
The following story is not my own. No, that's not correct. The story is my own but the characters are not. The location is not. The characters are owned by Janet Evanovich and the location is owned by the City of Trenton and the owners of the movie theaters. There is not meant to be any resemblance to actual or living people or events, although I have to say that some of this has happened to me!
"I'm ready", I said to Ranger, hopping on one foot as I put on my ballerina flats and tried to run out the door at the same time.
"The movie starts in an hour. We have plenty of time."
"Not if we want to get popcorn. The line-up for the snack bar is always long. And what's a movie without popcorn?"
Ranger shut and locked the door behind us and, taking my hand, walked over to the elevator. "A good movie?"
"Hopefully it's good. If it isn't, at least we'll have that great movie popcorn. Not all will be wasted."
"Is this why you hardly ate any dinner?"
"Who eats dinner when there are so many different things at the snack bar to choose from? Sometimes Lula forgoes the movies and just goes to the theaters to buy the popcorn. I have been known to do the same thing once or twice."
"Why don't you just make your own?"
"It isn't the same. Movie popcorn is the best. I think it's all that fake butter."
"I'll leave that to you. You look nice", Ranger said as he held open the door to the elevator for me.
"Nice? Damn. I was aiming for sexy."
Ranger held the door for me while I got in the car. I buckled up, and Ranger softly shut the door. He hustled over to the driver's side of the Porsche and got it. "We don't have to hurry, you know. As you said, we still have almost an hour to get to the theater, and the multiplex is only located ten minutes away from here", I said.
"I need to make sure you have enough time at the snack bar."
"That's true. It's important to have enough time at the snack bar. It's so hard to choose between Smarties or M&M's, fuzzy peaches or sour cherries, popcorn with a double shot of fake butter or a triple shot. What are you going to have?"
"I'll have a cold bottle of water."
"That's it? Just a cold bottle of water? You don't know much about going to the movies, do you?"
We pulled into the parking lot and walked into the theater. I headed to the line to get the tickets. We had decided to watch the new Terminator movie. We figured that it was a "can't lose" sort of film. Besides, we had been working so many hours lately that we weren't aware of anything else that was playing. The Terminator was the only movie that we recognized when we went over the box office list.
Ranger stood beside me. "Why don't you get the snacks while I buy the tickets?" he said as I got out my wallet.
"That's not fair. I asked you to the movies, remember? I should pay."
"While you're going out with me, I'll always pay for the entertainment. Go get your snacks."
"I still don't think that's fair."
"Think of it this way. The snacks alone sound like they are going to add up to more than the cost of the movie. Go get your snacks."
I subsided in arguing. He was right. The snacks are charged at a premium and they always add up to more than the cost of the movie itself. "Thank you", I said, tiptoeing up and kissing Ranger on the cheek. I spun around and headed off to the snack bar.
"Don't forget my bottle of water!" he called out after my retreating back.
I stood in front of the snack stand, contemplating the mysteries of life. Choosing what I wanted to eat was as difficult as I had anticipated. I finally picked an extra-large Coke without the ice – I always figured that the ice was a waste of my money when I could instead have that much more Coke for the same price – a bag of sour cherries, a bag of M&M's, a large bag of popcorn with a triple shot of butter, and a package of Maltesers. I generally don't like Maltesers and wouldn't get them normally, but they always seemed to go well at the movie theater. My theory is that they are a different recipe than the ones they sell at the gas station.
"Are you honestly going to eat all of that?" asked Ranger in amazement.
"I am. Are you honestly only going to have a bottle of water?"
"I am."
"Oh dear."
"Why?"
"Because I bought enough that I could share."
"What were you going to share? You know I don't eat candy."
"I know. The candy is for me. I thought you might have a kernel or two of popcorn."
"I might have one handful, but that would be it."
"You're going to have a whole handful? Damn. I should have bought the larger size."
The movie was good. I always love a good movie where the good guys win. I don't know why you'd ever want to see a movie that was scary or that the good guys don't win at the end. I mean, what's the point?
Throughout the movie I worked my way entirely through the Maltesers, the sour cherries, the M&M's, and half the bag of popcorn. Ranger had his one small handful of popcorn, grimacing at the amount of butter on it. There was enough left over for a midnight snack if I felt like one. I felt sufficiently sick from eating all the food. It was, as I said, a good movie.
Unfortunately, I also drank most of my Coke. This meant that I was wired and ready for a pee. Desperate for a pee would be a better description. When the credits were rolling I popped out of my seat. "Can you carry the rest of my popcorn and my drink? I have to hit the bathroom and I need to do it before the line-ups get too long." I abandoned Ranger and ran to the bathroom before I even had an answer. Thankfully getting there ahead of the rush, I impatiently waited in the short line, jiggling from side to side as I tried not to wet my pants. The people before me were slo-o-o-w. I don't know what they were doing, but whatever it was it was taking a long time. A stall finally opened up and I ran in, pulling down my pants and aiming for the toilet before my bladder burst. I didn't sit on the seat. Everybody knows that you don't sit on the seat. There's splash-back from everyone crouching to go to pee. I wanted to make sure that the splash-back didn't touch my butt, because that, plainly put, is icky.
I think I had the longest pee ever, setting a new personal record. When I was finished I stood up, wiped the seat down with a wad of toilet paper so that the next person would not have to deal with my splash-back, walked out of the stall to wash my hands, stood in front of the very noisy dryer and waved my hands around until I decided they were only moderately wet, finished drying my hands on my skirt, and walked past the now-long line of women jiggling around as they waited impatiently for a stall. I think I heard one grumbling person ask what was taking the women in the stalls so much time, and I heard another person threaten to use the men's bathroom if the line-up didn't shorten soon.
Feeling very pleased with myself that I had been able to beat the rush, I walked outside to see Ranger patiently standing with my huge honking bag of popcorn and tub of pop. I moved to take the snacks from him. "What do you want to do now?" he said. He held onto the refreshments as he started to walk with me towards the exit.
"Let's go to the arcade."
We headed over to the arcade and Ranger bought tokens. I led him over to the shooting games. As I suspected, Ranger was a crack shot despite the inaccuracy of the sights on the guns. Once he adapted to the sights, he hit the target every time. We left the arcade with an enormous stuffed rabbit and a smaller stuffed beaver. I hefted the bunny in my arms and Ranger added the stuffed beaver to his pile of snacks as we headed out of the arcade towards the parking lot.
"That's my kind of snack", said Ranger.
"Popcorn?"
"No. Beaver."
The rabbit took up the whole backseat of the Porsche. "I should have bought the Cayenne", said Ranger. "I didn't think we were going to be adopting a new pet. Won't Rex get jealous?"
"No. It's not a hamster. It's a rabbit, ready for the next pregnancy scare."
"Very funny."
"How did the staff take it when you told them I wasn't pregnant?" Just two days ago I contracted the stomach flu. I had been really run down and ended up resting most of the day as I slept it off. The Rangeman staff thought this was a sign that I was pregnant. They started laying bets as to whether it was going to be a boy or a girl, and when we were going to tell them. Since I had just finished my period, pregnancy wasn't even a question for Ranger and me. Ella knew the truth, so we let her lay her bets before we told the staff I wasn't pregnant. She said that she won a significant amount of money from the boys.
"They handled it well. Apparently Tank and Ella won a significant amount of money but Hal lost big."
"Poor Hal."
"He was hopeful. He told me that he likes kids and he'd be happy having a little one around to spoil."
"He'd be a good uncle."
"They all would. I hire partly for their protective qualities."
"That's true. And if we ever had a girl, heaven help her future boyfriends. There would be many men intimidating the hell out of her boyfriends to ensure that she was safe. I can just imagine. 'This is Uncle Tank, and this is Uncle Hal, and this is Uncle Hector. Please ignore his kill tattoos. He really is a nice guy unless you get him upset.' I think she'd find it quite smothering."
"But we aren't having a daughter."
"No, we aren't having an anything", I reassured Ranger.
Ranger drove back into the parking lot. He took the tray of snacks, including the beaver, from my lap and put them on the hood of the car, holding my door open while I wrestled the bunny from the backseat and, with me holding the bunny up so that his feet didn't drag on the floor, Ranger beeped the car locked, picked up the tray of snacks again, and followed me over to the elevators. I pressed the button and, when the doors opened, hoisted the bunny onto my hip as if I was carrying a baby, walked onto the elevator and pressed the button for the seventh floor.
"You realize that you're ruining my staff's image of me when you carry that bunny up to my apartment."
"Real men don't have bunnies in their apartments?"
"No, they don't."
"What about beavers?"
"Beavers are always good."