Chapter 1

Visions

At first there was nothing. No sounds, no smells, no colors, no textures, just pain that was burning through me with such an all-consuming fierceness that I could not tell who or what I was or if there was anything beyond the fire. Oddly enough the pain was somehow familiar, as if my very nerves and bones knew it, felt it before, and dealt with it out of habit. Time did not seem to pass either. I just was, existed in this stupor of self-observation through the sensation of pain.

Gradually the fire seemed to recede, as if it was sucked out of my core and into my fingers and toes until just the very tips were ablaze and then it was gone. I realized I was laying on the ground with a gentle breeze washing over my face, I kept my eyes closed, but the sounds and smells brought the world into my consciousness. Stone crumbling to the ground next to me, gentle creaking of wood and rustling of grass a little further away, leaves slowly falling with an almost inaudible swoosh still further and the stirring of a large animal furthest of all. I took in the earthy and somehow peaceful scent of the herbivore but before I could wonder how I knew it other fragrances distracted me. There was the wet aroma of dew and the mustiness of old tombs, centennial trees shedding their leaves and grass drying out. There was the warm dustiness of birds and the crispness of insects. Suddenly the wind changed and the other scents faded in comparison to this new smell. It was not fresh but while as strong as the others here it was alien and sickeningly full of death. The destruction in it made me recoil and the danger in it wiped out the peacefulness, and as my eyes snapped open I felt my body fly through the air into a defensive crouch. My eyes only confirmed what my other senses already discovered - I was in an old cemetery overgrown with weeds and crumbling, a forest around it. The silver crescent of the moon in the night sky gave almost no light but I could see everything perfectly and the pile of ashes in the middle of the graveyard drew me to it and repulsed at the same time. It looked like something crushed an entire oak tree into pieces and made an enormous bonfire, thin streams of smoke still rising from the center of it. While my mind was calculating how long it took this fire to go out I searched for the source of the smell still mingling with the scent of ash and could find nothing but some misshapen lumps of what looked like rock. Fighting the irrational disgust I reached out with one hand to pick up a piece but it collapsed into dust as soon as my fingers touched it, leaving a faint trace on my skin. No amount of curiosity was enough to make me try again but as I sniffed the dust on my hand the pungent odor confirmed my suspicions - this was what someone made such an effort to burn, whatever this was. Fires like this did not happen on their own, not when a centennial tree was ripped out of the ground for firewood.

I looked around more carefully now, listening, smelling. Nothing moved around me, nothing breathed, but it was clear that someone was here not too long ago, and they were not just passing through. The crypts were covered with great dents, as if boulders crashed into them; carved crosses were broken off at the ground and smashed into pieces. This was not natural for abandoned aging. There were deep ridges in the dirt with the black earth piled up at the end of each, as if something heavy slid there with force. What has happened here and how could I not have heard any of it? And how did I get here? And... who was I? Suddenly I felt so weak I had to sit down. The question rang in my head louder and louder until I clamped my hands over my ears, willing it to stop. I had to find out what happened here, this was about me just as much as it was about the pile of ashes surrounded by tombs. Suddenly the cemetery faded and a new picture appeared in front of my eyes.

The place I saw was not this graveyard but a river bank. Water flowed swiftly with a quiet murmur and birds sang in the distance. I looked up at the person next to me and marveled at his beauty as he quietly smiled down at me. I let my gaze linger on every feature, his high forehead, honey-blonde hair, straight nose, full lips and most incredibly his eyes. Adoration and happiness shone from their golden depths as if I was his entire world. We stood like that, gazing at each other for the longest time, sun reflecting off his pale skin and throwing rainbows around his face. In that moment I knew that I loved him endlessly and unconditionally, we belonged together until the end of time. In that moment I was happy.

The image warped and shifted and I was back to the cemetery, alone in its now eerie silence. Who was this man I loved so deeply and who loved me beyond any doubt? I was here all alone with nothing but the long dirty shirt I was wearing, he must be someone from my past or just a figment of my imagination. I saw in his eyes that he would not have abandoned me if he were real, so he must be only an illusion. The thought about my past brought back the questions and the resolve to find the answers. I concentrated on my memories, tracing them minute by minute, remembering every movement, smell and image, every thought and emotion, going back to the pain and the darkness and finally emptiness. Somehow there was nothing more. It was as if the blank naught stretched endlessly before my mind's eyes. There had to be something, I must belong somewhere, anywhere. I reached further and finally, when my head felt like it was going to split in two, caught a glimpse of a sound, faint but ringing with agonized sorrow. It was a man's voice, deep and melodic, shouting a name, as if reaching one last time. Alice. My heart beat faster at the memory. I was Alice, the man was calling to me. But why? I thought again of the stranger in my earlier vision. Could it have been him? The answer came as positively and as without proof as the certainty of my name – no, the suffering man was not the kind-eyed stranger, it was someone from my past. The love I saw was in the future, or in my imagination. I did not understand how I knew this any more than I understood how I knew anything, but it felt undeniable and so I accepted it as the truth.

In my reverie I did not notice that the sun was beginning to rise above the horizon. How odd. I watched the first rays of the sun chase away the shadows of the night, illuminating every withering blade of grass and making the tiniest motes of dust shimmer in the air but when they finally reached the edge of the crypt I was leaning against they made me freeze – there were rainbows dancing around my arm. My skin was stark white and it sparkled just like the skin of the man in my vision. With this discovery my conviction grew strong – he was real. The memory of happiness flooded my mind and I knew I had to find him. But where to start? With that thought the present faded away again and I was in a small diner with a narrow cobblestone street outside the rain-washed window. My seat at the counter gave me an unobstructed view of a man standing outside. Even with his back to me he looked remarkable with his posture full of confidence, strength and, curiously, restraint. He turned but I still could not see his face under the brim of his hat. He glanced around the empty street, hesitated for a moment and finally pushed the door open. When he entered his demeanor changed. Every movement grew even more restrained but now it also seemed like being inside the small warm room caused him pain. He removed his hat and blonde hair spilled around the pale face I have seen before. A smile spread across my face as I recognized him but as his gaze met mine only cautious calculation and curiosity shone in his now black eyes. I could not contain the happiness at seeing him again and jumping off my stool I almost skipped to his side. As though he could feel my joy his expression softened and a hint of a smile touched his lips.

At that precise moment his smiling face faded away once more and I a low frustrated growl reverberated in my chest. The sound of it swung the pendulum of my mood all the way to fury and while a part of me was amazed at how quickly I went from pure bliss to blinding rage another part was punching and stomping out everything within reach. My bare feet left deep holes in the ground, my fists crushed marble into dust and what was left from the unburned oak trunk creaked and exploded into splinters when my hand connected with it. Anger fizzled as instantly as it flared and I surveyed the damage. The destruction was more complete than what I found upon waking. In amazement I raised my hands to my eyes. There was not a hint of pain and not even the tiniest scratch on me anywhere. Slowly I folded my fingers into a fist and struck the nearest slab. The sound was like stone hitting stone and while I didn't feel much more than the fact of the impact the marble groaned, split into two and finally collapsed. If I could do this, what else was possible? Not knowing anything about myself was increasingly disturbing and I wanted to learn as much as I could and quickly. I looked around contemplating the next test and saw the crypt with its side crushed in. I picked up one of the halves of the monolith laying nearby and hesitated only for a moment to admire how feather-light it felt in my arms, even thought it was easily half my size and undoubtedly much more heavy. I flung it into the same crypt and with a thunderous crash it completely destroyed the structure. I grinned – this was so easy. I wondered how fast I could go and before the thought was completed in my head my feet broke into a sprint as if I were made to run. Tombs and crosses didn't slow me down, I leapt over them and kept going as if they weren't there. Before I knew it I was at the edge of the woods on the other side of the cemetery. The sensation was incredible, it was freedom I haven't imagined, as natural as breathing. I looked back at the thoroughly destroyed graveyard and the still-smoking pile of ashes in the middle. There was nothing more this place could offer me and to find my answers I had to leave. I had to find the quaint diner on the cobblestone-paved street.