Dis-claim-er! Izz not my shit, vale? Buffy the vampire SLAYer crossed with True Blood for a humorous, gore-filled Oneshot, Oh my!
'Well then,' thought Buffy, 'this was rather unexpected.' Her brow furrowed, 'In hindsight I probably should have seen it coming. After all, why should a little thing like an out of control portal to a hell dimension kill me when the Powers That Be get so much entertainment from watching me flounder about.' One eye peeked open before shutting firmly against the florescent lights. Her migraine was bad enough from the cursing vampire struggling beneath her, there was no reason to aggravate it just to see her no doubt disappointing surroundings. Then again, it might get rid of the strange buzz that kept disrupting her thoughts.
"Let me up you crazy bitch! Do you know who I am?"
Buffy's arms and legs were currently wrapped around the woman's limbs, preventing her from moving an inch. "Shh... that's a good little vampire."
Lafayette, currently chained to the floor, gawked at the scene. This... creature, for he hesitated to call her a woman, had dropped out of a tear in space and proceeded to do the impossible. No human could restrain a vamp without several pounds of silver, but as of yet she had shown no outward signs of otherworldly origin.
Buffy was trying rather unsuccessfully to clear her head. She felt almost drunk, her slayer side confused but very much alive inside her. Hardly knowing why she dipped her head towards the woman's pale neck and took a lick. "Why do you taste like chicken? Do you drink chicken's blood?" Buffy was starting to babble. "My ex-boyfriend was a vampire but he only drank pig's blood. He didn't smell like bacon though." It was at this moment that Pam recovered from her shock and humiliation. Slamming the back of her head into the petite girl's nose, Buffy fell back even as Pam swung to her feet. Claws swung towards Buffy's face...
"Shit," whispered Lafayette as the vampire screamed in pain and rage. Pam disappeared in a screeching blur as she flew upstairs, dripping blood. Lafayette watched as three severed fingers dropped from the blond's mouth. Her pupils began to shrink to pinpoints, jaws going slack. Lafayette had dealt enough V to know that look very well: This bitch was about to go bat-shit crazy. "Hey, mind letting me loose before you eat me?" As her eyes shifted to yellow Lfayette began to wonder if humor had been the best route to take.
With no perceptible motion to Lafayette's eyes Buffy shifted position from the front of the stairs to inches from his skin. "You smell human. I'm not supposed to kill humans." A "snap" echoed throughout the basement, shattered chains falling to the ground. "I feel dizzy. Carry me." Her words held not the faintest doubt she would be disobeyed as she latched onto his back, nearly knocking him off his feet.
'Alright Lafayette, keep it together.' He took his first step up the staircase. 'One day of torture and a demon child on your back can't keep you down.' The moment he reached the cellar door it swung open to reveal the peg-legged vampire bartender of Fangtasia. Slipping around Lafayette like a snake Buffy's hand dived into the vampire's chest before ripping out his heart. Lafayette screamed like a little girl and only Buffy's hand kept him from falling backwards as the vamp's corpse exploded into blood.
"Messier than normal," said Buffy, frowning as she brushed at her clothes. Lafayette watched in fascinated horror as her tongue darted out of her mouth, nipping at her bloodstained lips. Just as Buffy began to fix her gaze on the black heart gripped in her tiny hand the hallway door snapped open.
"Eric," whispered Lafayette.
A shadow flickered. "Bunny!" Eric tensed at Buffy's sudden movement but she gave him no mind as she crashed through the wall that had briefly portrayed a rabbit-shaped shadow. Buffy finally stopped chasing the illusory rabbit a few miles later as Whistler the balance demon appeared in front of her. She gave a soft whistle.
"Yes, yes, enough whistle jokes. I have a message for you from the Powers That Be." Buffy studied her hardened fingernails with lightly glowing cat-slit yellow eyes. Her mouth hung slightly open, jaw crowded and heavy with sharp, elongated teeth. "They've placed you in this world so that – Hey! Are you listening to me?" He grabbed her hair. She grabbed his throat in her teeth a moment later.
So ends the rampaging Buffy Oneshot. Fun while it lasted, ne? It's my first non-Ranma fic, and I'd totally pat myself on the back if I hadn't dislocated my shoulder three days ago.