*Author's note: Okay, I wrote this story in one sitting, which is highly
unusual for me. When I started, it was supposed to be this light, humorous,
little vignette-thing, but then it took this serious turn that I wasn't
really prepared for. Sometimes my stories seem to write themselves. They
start off as one thing, they end up as another. It's kind of weird and
that's what happened here. I tried to salvage the humorous ending, but I'm
really sure it worked. There were enough elements in the story that I
liked, that I decided to post it anyway. Make of it what you will... All I
can say in my defense, is that I watch way too much Discovery Channel.
2/21/04
THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX
03:00, Squadron ready room.
Kara sat at the small table in the furthest corner of the large room. Since it was the middle of the night, the room was empty. She was working night watch. Apollo had recently instituted a watch system, where a certain number of pilots were kept on stand-by, suited up and ready to go at a moment's notice, in case of a surprise Cylon attack. She didn't have to stay awake while on watch. She was free to return to general quarters and go to bed, as long as she kept her flight suit and her boots on, but Kara really hated sleeping in her flight suit. The suits were made from a dense, durable, and fire resistant fabric that had little, or no, stretch to it and was not particularly breathable. While they helped you to stay warm in the coldness of space and they could help keep you from getting too crispy if your Viper caught on fire, they were definitely not designed to be slept in. So, Kara generally spent her hours of watch time awake.
She had recently begun to keep a journal. She had a lot of time to kill and she had always enjoyed writing. And she figured, maybe someday, later generations might find a record, such as it was, of the early days after the destruction of the colonies, useful. She was sure that she wasn't the only person doing this, but figured that every viewpoint mattered. So, she was sitting alone, writing, drinking cold coffee and generally enjoying her rare solitude.
After a couple of hours, the hatch to the room opened and three young women entered. All three were pilots, two were rookies, Rayna Caspan and Alice York. The third woman was a couple of years older, Norah Callen. The three women appeared to have just come from a duty shift. They sat together at one of the circular tables, to drink their coffee and unwind a bit before heading to bed. The table they had chosen was positioned at an odd angle to the table that Kara was sitting at, so that she could clearly see them, but unless they actually turned and looked for her, they would not see her.
Kara glanced at her watch, she only had another hour of her watch shift and then she could finally peal off her flight suit and get some sleep. Turning her attention back to her journal, she was distracted by the conversation of the three women.
"So, I hear you had a hot and heavy session with Dagon in the supply rooms last night," Norah said to Alice, smiling wickedly.
"We had a 'session' all right, but 'hot and heavy' it was not. More like wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. I can't believe I wasted 20 minutes of my life on that. I mean, I could've been sleeping."
"Yeah, I guess I should've warned you that he's all talk."
"Yeah, you should have."
Kara smiled to herself and shook her head. She knew that many of the pilots, both male and female, used sex as a means of coping. Carnal stress relief was what most of the guys called it. Kara had never understood the mentality, but obviously these three did.
"So, are there any decent guys left that aren't already paired off with someone?" Alice whined. "How about that one cute, blond technician who works in computer support?"
"Specialist Markson? He's hooked up with that busty red-head on Tyrol's deck crew," Rayna said.
"What about that cute, little boy that's always following Pres. Roslin around?"
"Dee's," Rayna and Norah said in unison.
"Okay, what about that tall, dark and handsome security guard who's frequently stationed outside the president's office?"
"Oh, I'm pretty sure he plays for the other team," Norah said.
"Well, that's it! I give up! There's nobody left. And how sad is that, considering that the men outnumber the women 3 to 1 on this ship," Alice complained.
"Evidently, your standards are too high," said Norah. "I mean, who do you want? If you could have your pick of any guy on the ship, regardless of marriage, hook-up, or team affiliation, who would you want?"
"Hmm, I'd have to think about that," Alice mused.
"Oh, I know who I'd want," Rayna said, smiling. "Capt. Apollo."
"Oooh, good call," Norah agreed. "I mean, have you ever seen anyone make a Colonial flight suit look so good? It's like, the person who designed those damned things, did so with that ass in mind. And it's not like his suit is any tighter than anyone else's. It's just that, I swear, the fabric seems to embrace every curve." She held her hands cupped in front of her, as if to squeeze the body part in question.
"Oh, yes!" the other two women agreed.
Kara's interest in the conversation had begun to wane a while ago, but now she found her thoughts invaded by images of Lee's backside. And she found that, although she hadn't given it much thought before, now that she had considered it, she had to admit that Lee's butt did look especially enticing in his flight suit. And she supposed that this was largely due to the fabric. The matte, black material of the duty uniforms tended to conceal rather accent, the way the slightly shiny fabric of the flight suits did. Okay, she would concede that, as uncomfortable as they were, there was one nice feature of the Colonial flight suit.
"And you just know that he's good in bed," Norah continued, pulling Kara's mind back into the conversation. "I mean, think about it, he's such a perfectionist. You know that he's not leaving that bed until the job is done and done well!"
"The result tests the work!" Both Norah and Alice cried out together, then all three dissolved into laughter.
The line was an old Virgon proverb that Lee had recently begun quoting to his pilots whenever they whined about their workloads.
"Oh, you guys are so wicked!" Rayna cried. "I'm never going to be able to keep a straight face the next time I hear him say that."
Neither am I, Kara thought, putting a hand over her mouth, to keep from laughing out loud.
"Yeah, unfortunately, Capt. Apollo comes with way too many complications," Norah pointed out, when the laughter had died down. "First of all, he's the CAG. Second, he's the commander's son. And last, but certainly not least, there's the Starbuck Factor."
"Yeah, what is up with them?" Alice asked. "Are they actually sleeping together or not?"
"I honestly don't know," Norah admitted. "And I'm usually pretty good at telling these things. But if they were doing it, you'd think that someone would have caught Starbuck sneaking out of Apollo's room at some point, by now. But I haven't heard anything. Have either of you?"
She received negative responses from the other two women.
"See? That's what I'm talking about. Either they aren't doing it or they are incredibly damned discreet."
"Yeah, but they're always together," Alice pointed out. "And, I don't know, they just give off that vibe, you know? They're way too comfortable with each other and it's like, you get this feeling that their knowledge of each other is way intimate."
"Yeah, yeah, that's it," Norah agreed, as if Alice had just given her the key to a problem that she herself had been trying to figure out.
Kara sighed quietly. This was not the first time this had come up. She honestly didn't understand why people always made the assumption that she and Lee were sleeping together. Even when Zac was alive, people who knew perfectly well that Kara was dating Zac, still had the gall to assume there was also something between her and Lee.
When she and Lee had been at the Officer's Academy, they had both attracted a fair amount of attention from the opposite sex, but neither had been ready for any kind of a relationship, preferring to concentrate on their studies. So, when people began jumping to the conclusion that the two of them were an item, neither had bothered to correct those assumptions, as it freed them both up from unwanted attentions. But when, in their last year at the Academy, Zac had joined them and she and Zac had started a fairly obvious relationship, people continued to make assumptions about Lee's role in the affair.
There was one incident in particular when Lee, Zac and Kara had been at the local bar, where most of the cadets hung out after classes. Kara had excused herself for a moment to go to the ladies' room and when she had been on her way back to the table, another female cadet had stopped her. The other woman was very obviously drunk and had asked Kara, point blank, if she was having a some kind of a kinky three-way relationship with the two Adama brothers. The unfortunate consequence of the conversation was that Kara had spent the evening in the brig for being drunk and disorderly, which she greatly resented, since she really hadn't had that much to drink.
She remembered another time, some four years later, when the three of them had gotten together, ironically, at that same bar. Zac had been in Flight School, although still in Basic Flight classes and Kara was teaching at the school. Lee was stationed on the Solaria and had returned to Caprica City on leave. He had called up Zac and Kara and had suggested they meet at the pub, saying something about having someone he wanted them to meet.
Kara and Zac had arrived at the bar to find Lee and a very petite, stunningly attractive young woman, with short, strawberry blonde hair. Lee had introduced her as Laurel Heston. She evidently worked in the CIC on the Solaria. Kara had never really gotten along with other women. She had spent entirely too much time in the company of men to really be able to relate to her own sex, but despite that, she had gone out of her way to try and connect with Laurel Heston. This woman was evidently important to Lee, so Kara felt that the two of them should get along. But it seemed that Laurel did not feel the same way. No matter what Kara said or did, her attempts at friendship were met with a cool reserve that bordered on rudeness. The evening had been long and uncomfortable for everyone.
At first Kara had dismissed the incident as the woman having had an off day, but two days later, it was still rankling her. She finally asked Zac for his opinion.
"Did I do something to piss her off?"
"No, it wasn't you, Kara. Don't worry about it."
"Well, I am worried about it. If she and Lee are going to be dating, I'd like to think we could get along."
"Yeah, well, that's the thing... I talked to Lee yesterday and I guess they're not going to be seeing each other again, so you don't have to worry about her anymore."
"They broke up because of me? Oh, thank you, Zac, I feel so much better now!"
"It wasn't your fault, Kara. I guess, this Laurel, was some ultra- jealous type and somehow she got the idea that there was something between you and Lee. But don't worry about it. Lee sounded like he was okay with the whole thing. He was the one who broke it off. He's not upset and certainly not with you. So, don't worry about it."
Kara sighed heavily. "Yeah, yeah, Lee's always the one who breaks it off. That's nothing new. Can you say 'commitment issues'? But I don't understand why people always assume that there's something between Lee and I. Why is it so difficult for everyone to understand that we are just friends?"
Zac was silent for such and long time and his face had taken on such a profound look of sadness, that for a moment Kara's heart froze.
"Zac, you don't think...?"
"No! Kara, I trust you completely. I trust Lee completely. It's just that the two of you have this bond..."
"Zac, I swear to you, there has never b-."
"Kara, I know," Zac interrupted, reaching out and grasping her shoulders. "I know. I do, really. It's just that I've seen the two of you fly together. "
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Everything... When the two of you fly together, it's like you complete each other. It's like you're part of the same body. You're the heart, Lee's the head." Zac could see from her expression that she wasn't grasping what he was trying to say. He gave a sigh. "How do I make you understand? ...What do you know about the giant phoenix birds of Arilon?"
"Not much. I don't watch all those educational programs that you do... Okay, uh, they're really big, red-feathered birds of prey. What about them?"
"They're unique in that they spend almost all of their lives in the air, in flight. Once they learn to fly, they rarely ever touch the ground. They have these amazingly huge wingspans that allow them to glide on the air currents for hours at a time, so that they never tire out. They even mate in mid-air. The male and the female both fly up as high as they can and they come together. While they are mating, their bodies plunge toward the ground. At the last possible moment, they break apart and soar back upwards, sometimes to do it again. It has to be choreographed and timed just right, or they both die. That's kind of what it's like when you and Lee fly together. It truly is... almost sexual. And that connection carries over. It affects the way the two of you interact. People see that... I see that."
Kara had no idea how to respond to this. She had always known that she and Lee had a connection, but she had never thought of it as a sexual one, but she also couldn't deny what Zac had just said. Wow, she thought, how bizarre to have a sexual connection with someone you've never actually had sex with. Then again, she realized, for Lee and I, flight is something very much like sex. I've been cheating on Zac all this time and I didn't even know it.
"I have to admit, Kara, that I am jealous of that," Zac went on. "I know that I will probably never connect with you on that level. Let's face it, we both know that I'm struggling with Basic Flight. Even if I do manage to make it through Viper training, I will never be anywhere as good as you. I will never even be half as good as Lee. But maybe, if I could just manage to keep up with you for a little while, I could have a taste of what you and Lee share."
By now, tears were flowing freely down Kara's cheeks. She and Zac had never talked like this before. Zac usually danced around serious subjects with jokes and light banter. And most of the time Kara was content to let him do so. She wasn't terribly comfortable with serious discussions of feelings either. And this, this was sheer torture.
"Zac, I love Lee. I'm not going to bother denying it. He's my very best friend in the world and he's your brother. But I am not IN love with Lee. I am IN love with you."
"I know," Zac whispered. "I know. But for how long? If I can't even get through Basic Flight, what then? With the phoenix birds, only the strongest of the males, the one who can catch the female, gets to mate with her. I will never be as strong as Lee. Hell, he's already caught you. I can't compete with that. If I can't fly with you, I'll lose you. I already know that. Eventually you'll get bored with me and you'll move on... The phoenix birds mate for life."
"Oh, damn it, Zac, shut up about the frakking birds! We are not birds! We are human beings! I can choose whomever I want as my mate, weak or strong!" Kara yelled. She was angry now. Angry at his defeatist attitude, angry at his assumptions, and angry that deep down, she knew that he was right. How could she stay with someone who couldn't keep up with her? Who couldn't share the ecstasy of flight with her?
She realized that it was two months after that conversation that she had passed Zac through Basic Flight, despite knowing that he hadn't earned it. She also realized that he had given her no choice. He had made it clear to her through that conversation, that if she failed him, she would have been confirming his assertions, that he wasn't good enough for her and it would have destroyed him. So, she had done the only thing she could for him at that time, she had given him his shot at the Vipers. She had given him his wings to fly, to prove himself. And he had failed. And that was not her fault. He had forced her hand and he had paid the price. It was not her fault.
Kara took a deep breath. It was not her fault. She felt as if a huge stone had been lifted from her chest. She could suddenly breathe easier. Of course, Zac's loss still hurt, but for the first time, that pain was not accompanied by a suffocating sense of guilt. She hadn't thought about that conversation in the entire two years since the accident. Perhaps she had deliberately blocked it from her mind so that she could indulge in her self- pity and self-hate. Perhaps the fact that it had come to her mind now, was a sign that she was finally moving on from his death. For the first time in a very long time, she could think about him without feeling tears prickling the corners of her eyes.
"...Okay, I admit that in a Viper, she's the shit, but other than that I don't see what's so great about her. She's no great beauty. He could certainly do better than her," Norah was saying.
"Yeah, like me!" Rayna said, giggling.
Kara realized that the three women were still discussing her and Lee. She almost wanted to laugh out loud at the absurdity of their conversation in connection with the tremendous realization she had just made. She supposed that she should be offended at their assessment of her, but considering that if she hadn't been eavesdropping on their conversation, she might not have made her realization, she was inclined to be forgiving. It also helped that she had never really given a damn what people thought of her.
"Hey, wasn't she engaged to be married or something?" Alice asked.
"Oh, yeah," Norah said. "She was engaged to Commander Adama's younger son, but he died before they could get married. I forgot about that."
"So, maybe, the reason that Capt. Apollo and Starbuck are so tight is just because they were almost brother and sister-in-law. Maybe they aren't doing it at all. All of which means..."
"That Capt. Apollo could still be fair game," Norah finished for Alice.
"Yeah, but he is still the CAG. And the commander's son," Rayna said. "Both of which could make life very awkward if things didn't work out."
"Oh, yeah," the other two agreed glumly. The three fell silent for a moment contemplating this.
As if taking his cue from their conversation, the hatch swung open and Lee entered the room, rubbing his eyes and yawning hugely, having obviously just dragged himself out of bed. He was dressed in his flight suit, evidently in preparation for an early morning patrol. Without even looking around, he headed straight for the table at the side of the room, where a pot of coffee sat waiting. Pouring himself a cup, he turned and started to head back out of the room, but stopped as he noticed for the first time that the room was not empty.
"Uh, morning, ladies," he said.
"Good morning, Captain," the three women chimed, almost in unison.
"Hey, Starbuck," he called, nodding in her direction.
"Apollo," she responded in kind.
She was immediately rewarded with astonished gasps from the three women, who quickly turned in their seats to look at her.
"Ladies," she greeted them, smiling broadly.
She heard some embarrassed giggles and even a whispered, "Oh, frak!"
Still half-asleep and oblivious to the awkwardness of this exchange, Lee turned back to Kara and said, "Oh, hey, Starbuck, Tyrol told me to ask you if you'd had a chance to look at that Mark 7 with the tyllium leak."
"Oh, yeah, I did and he's going to have his hands full with that one. It's... well, it's hard to explain. Hang on, I'll come with you and explain it to him myself."
Gathering up her pens and journal, she joined him. As they were heading out of the room, she glanced back and noticed that the three younger women were still watching them with interest. Feeling suddenly mischievous, Kara stopped Lee just inside the hatch doorway.
"Hang on, a minute, Lee. You have something on the back of your flight suit," she said and without waiting for him to verify this, she began vigorously rubbing at the seat of his suit.
"What are you do-," He said, trying to twist around to see what she was doing.
"It's okay, I got it. You're good to go now," Kara interrupted quickly, looking at him with wide, innocent eyes and silently thanking the Lords that he was still not fully awake yet.
"Yeah, okay, whatever," he mumbled and headed out the hatch.
Kara turned to look back at her audience. The three women each stood and began quietly clapping. "Oh, bravo!" Norah called out.
Giving them a mock bow, Kara turned and followed Lee out of the hatch.
~END~
2/21/04
THE FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX
03:00, Squadron ready room.
Kara sat at the small table in the furthest corner of the large room. Since it was the middle of the night, the room was empty. She was working night watch. Apollo had recently instituted a watch system, where a certain number of pilots were kept on stand-by, suited up and ready to go at a moment's notice, in case of a surprise Cylon attack. She didn't have to stay awake while on watch. She was free to return to general quarters and go to bed, as long as she kept her flight suit and her boots on, but Kara really hated sleeping in her flight suit. The suits were made from a dense, durable, and fire resistant fabric that had little, or no, stretch to it and was not particularly breathable. While they helped you to stay warm in the coldness of space and they could help keep you from getting too crispy if your Viper caught on fire, they were definitely not designed to be slept in. So, Kara generally spent her hours of watch time awake.
She had recently begun to keep a journal. She had a lot of time to kill and she had always enjoyed writing. And she figured, maybe someday, later generations might find a record, such as it was, of the early days after the destruction of the colonies, useful. She was sure that she wasn't the only person doing this, but figured that every viewpoint mattered. So, she was sitting alone, writing, drinking cold coffee and generally enjoying her rare solitude.
After a couple of hours, the hatch to the room opened and three young women entered. All three were pilots, two were rookies, Rayna Caspan and Alice York. The third woman was a couple of years older, Norah Callen. The three women appeared to have just come from a duty shift. They sat together at one of the circular tables, to drink their coffee and unwind a bit before heading to bed. The table they had chosen was positioned at an odd angle to the table that Kara was sitting at, so that she could clearly see them, but unless they actually turned and looked for her, they would not see her.
Kara glanced at her watch, she only had another hour of her watch shift and then she could finally peal off her flight suit and get some sleep. Turning her attention back to her journal, she was distracted by the conversation of the three women.
"So, I hear you had a hot and heavy session with Dagon in the supply rooms last night," Norah said to Alice, smiling wickedly.
"We had a 'session' all right, but 'hot and heavy' it was not. More like wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. I can't believe I wasted 20 minutes of my life on that. I mean, I could've been sleeping."
"Yeah, I guess I should've warned you that he's all talk."
"Yeah, you should have."
Kara smiled to herself and shook her head. She knew that many of the pilots, both male and female, used sex as a means of coping. Carnal stress relief was what most of the guys called it. Kara had never understood the mentality, but obviously these three did.
"So, are there any decent guys left that aren't already paired off with someone?" Alice whined. "How about that one cute, blond technician who works in computer support?"
"Specialist Markson? He's hooked up with that busty red-head on Tyrol's deck crew," Rayna said.
"What about that cute, little boy that's always following Pres. Roslin around?"
"Dee's," Rayna and Norah said in unison.
"Okay, what about that tall, dark and handsome security guard who's frequently stationed outside the president's office?"
"Oh, I'm pretty sure he plays for the other team," Norah said.
"Well, that's it! I give up! There's nobody left. And how sad is that, considering that the men outnumber the women 3 to 1 on this ship," Alice complained.
"Evidently, your standards are too high," said Norah. "I mean, who do you want? If you could have your pick of any guy on the ship, regardless of marriage, hook-up, or team affiliation, who would you want?"
"Hmm, I'd have to think about that," Alice mused.
"Oh, I know who I'd want," Rayna said, smiling. "Capt. Apollo."
"Oooh, good call," Norah agreed. "I mean, have you ever seen anyone make a Colonial flight suit look so good? It's like, the person who designed those damned things, did so with that ass in mind. And it's not like his suit is any tighter than anyone else's. It's just that, I swear, the fabric seems to embrace every curve." She held her hands cupped in front of her, as if to squeeze the body part in question.
"Oh, yes!" the other two women agreed.
Kara's interest in the conversation had begun to wane a while ago, but now she found her thoughts invaded by images of Lee's backside. And she found that, although she hadn't given it much thought before, now that she had considered it, she had to admit that Lee's butt did look especially enticing in his flight suit. And she supposed that this was largely due to the fabric. The matte, black material of the duty uniforms tended to conceal rather accent, the way the slightly shiny fabric of the flight suits did. Okay, she would concede that, as uncomfortable as they were, there was one nice feature of the Colonial flight suit.
"And you just know that he's good in bed," Norah continued, pulling Kara's mind back into the conversation. "I mean, think about it, he's such a perfectionist. You know that he's not leaving that bed until the job is done and done well!"
"The result tests the work!" Both Norah and Alice cried out together, then all three dissolved into laughter.
The line was an old Virgon proverb that Lee had recently begun quoting to his pilots whenever they whined about their workloads.
"Oh, you guys are so wicked!" Rayna cried. "I'm never going to be able to keep a straight face the next time I hear him say that."
Neither am I, Kara thought, putting a hand over her mouth, to keep from laughing out loud.
"Yeah, unfortunately, Capt. Apollo comes with way too many complications," Norah pointed out, when the laughter had died down. "First of all, he's the CAG. Second, he's the commander's son. And last, but certainly not least, there's the Starbuck Factor."
"Yeah, what is up with them?" Alice asked. "Are they actually sleeping together or not?"
"I honestly don't know," Norah admitted. "And I'm usually pretty good at telling these things. But if they were doing it, you'd think that someone would have caught Starbuck sneaking out of Apollo's room at some point, by now. But I haven't heard anything. Have either of you?"
She received negative responses from the other two women.
"See? That's what I'm talking about. Either they aren't doing it or they are incredibly damned discreet."
"Yeah, but they're always together," Alice pointed out. "And, I don't know, they just give off that vibe, you know? They're way too comfortable with each other and it's like, you get this feeling that their knowledge of each other is way intimate."
"Yeah, yeah, that's it," Norah agreed, as if Alice had just given her the key to a problem that she herself had been trying to figure out.
Kara sighed quietly. This was not the first time this had come up. She honestly didn't understand why people always made the assumption that she and Lee were sleeping together. Even when Zac was alive, people who knew perfectly well that Kara was dating Zac, still had the gall to assume there was also something between her and Lee.
When she and Lee had been at the Officer's Academy, they had both attracted a fair amount of attention from the opposite sex, but neither had been ready for any kind of a relationship, preferring to concentrate on their studies. So, when people began jumping to the conclusion that the two of them were an item, neither had bothered to correct those assumptions, as it freed them both up from unwanted attentions. But when, in their last year at the Academy, Zac had joined them and she and Zac had started a fairly obvious relationship, people continued to make assumptions about Lee's role in the affair.
There was one incident in particular when Lee, Zac and Kara had been at the local bar, where most of the cadets hung out after classes. Kara had excused herself for a moment to go to the ladies' room and when she had been on her way back to the table, another female cadet had stopped her. The other woman was very obviously drunk and had asked Kara, point blank, if she was having a some kind of a kinky three-way relationship with the two Adama brothers. The unfortunate consequence of the conversation was that Kara had spent the evening in the brig for being drunk and disorderly, which she greatly resented, since she really hadn't had that much to drink.
She remembered another time, some four years later, when the three of them had gotten together, ironically, at that same bar. Zac had been in Flight School, although still in Basic Flight classes and Kara was teaching at the school. Lee was stationed on the Solaria and had returned to Caprica City on leave. He had called up Zac and Kara and had suggested they meet at the pub, saying something about having someone he wanted them to meet.
Kara and Zac had arrived at the bar to find Lee and a very petite, stunningly attractive young woman, with short, strawberry blonde hair. Lee had introduced her as Laurel Heston. She evidently worked in the CIC on the Solaria. Kara had never really gotten along with other women. She had spent entirely too much time in the company of men to really be able to relate to her own sex, but despite that, she had gone out of her way to try and connect with Laurel Heston. This woman was evidently important to Lee, so Kara felt that the two of them should get along. But it seemed that Laurel did not feel the same way. No matter what Kara said or did, her attempts at friendship were met with a cool reserve that bordered on rudeness. The evening had been long and uncomfortable for everyone.
At first Kara had dismissed the incident as the woman having had an off day, but two days later, it was still rankling her. She finally asked Zac for his opinion.
"Did I do something to piss her off?"
"No, it wasn't you, Kara. Don't worry about it."
"Well, I am worried about it. If she and Lee are going to be dating, I'd like to think we could get along."
"Yeah, well, that's the thing... I talked to Lee yesterday and I guess they're not going to be seeing each other again, so you don't have to worry about her anymore."
"They broke up because of me? Oh, thank you, Zac, I feel so much better now!"
"It wasn't your fault, Kara. I guess, this Laurel, was some ultra- jealous type and somehow she got the idea that there was something between you and Lee. But don't worry about it. Lee sounded like he was okay with the whole thing. He was the one who broke it off. He's not upset and certainly not with you. So, don't worry about it."
Kara sighed heavily. "Yeah, yeah, Lee's always the one who breaks it off. That's nothing new. Can you say 'commitment issues'? But I don't understand why people always assume that there's something between Lee and I. Why is it so difficult for everyone to understand that we are just friends?"
Zac was silent for such and long time and his face had taken on such a profound look of sadness, that for a moment Kara's heart froze.
"Zac, you don't think...?"
"No! Kara, I trust you completely. I trust Lee completely. It's just that the two of you have this bond..."
"Zac, I swear to you, there has never b-."
"Kara, I know," Zac interrupted, reaching out and grasping her shoulders. "I know. I do, really. It's just that I've seen the two of you fly together. "
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Everything... When the two of you fly together, it's like you complete each other. It's like you're part of the same body. You're the heart, Lee's the head." Zac could see from her expression that she wasn't grasping what he was trying to say. He gave a sigh. "How do I make you understand? ...What do you know about the giant phoenix birds of Arilon?"
"Not much. I don't watch all those educational programs that you do... Okay, uh, they're really big, red-feathered birds of prey. What about them?"
"They're unique in that they spend almost all of their lives in the air, in flight. Once they learn to fly, they rarely ever touch the ground. They have these amazingly huge wingspans that allow them to glide on the air currents for hours at a time, so that they never tire out. They even mate in mid-air. The male and the female both fly up as high as they can and they come together. While they are mating, their bodies plunge toward the ground. At the last possible moment, they break apart and soar back upwards, sometimes to do it again. It has to be choreographed and timed just right, or they both die. That's kind of what it's like when you and Lee fly together. It truly is... almost sexual. And that connection carries over. It affects the way the two of you interact. People see that... I see that."
Kara had no idea how to respond to this. She had always known that she and Lee had a connection, but she had never thought of it as a sexual one, but she also couldn't deny what Zac had just said. Wow, she thought, how bizarre to have a sexual connection with someone you've never actually had sex with. Then again, she realized, for Lee and I, flight is something very much like sex. I've been cheating on Zac all this time and I didn't even know it.
"I have to admit, Kara, that I am jealous of that," Zac went on. "I know that I will probably never connect with you on that level. Let's face it, we both know that I'm struggling with Basic Flight. Even if I do manage to make it through Viper training, I will never be anywhere as good as you. I will never even be half as good as Lee. But maybe, if I could just manage to keep up with you for a little while, I could have a taste of what you and Lee share."
By now, tears were flowing freely down Kara's cheeks. She and Zac had never talked like this before. Zac usually danced around serious subjects with jokes and light banter. And most of the time Kara was content to let him do so. She wasn't terribly comfortable with serious discussions of feelings either. And this, this was sheer torture.
"Zac, I love Lee. I'm not going to bother denying it. He's my very best friend in the world and he's your brother. But I am not IN love with Lee. I am IN love with you."
"I know," Zac whispered. "I know. But for how long? If I can't even get through Basic Flight, what then? With the phoenix birds, only the strongest of the males, the one who can catch the female, gets to mate with her. I will never be as strong as Lee. Hell, he's already caught you. I can't compete with that. If I can't fly with you, I'll lose you. I already know that. Eventually you'll get bored with me and you'll move on... The phoenix birds mate for life."
"Oh, damn it, Zac, shut up about the frakking birds! We are not birds! We are human beings! I can choose whomever I want as my mate, weak or strong!" Kara yelled. She was angry now. Angry at his defeatist attitude, angry at his assumptions, and angry that deep down, she knew that he was right. How could she stay with someone who couldn't keep up with her? Who couldn't share the ecstasy of flight with her?
She realized that it was two months after that conversation that she had passed Zac through Basic Flight, despite knowing that he hadn't earned it. She also realized that he had given her no choice. He had made it clear to her through that conversation, that if she failed him, she would have been confirming his assertions, that he wasn't good enough for her and it would have destroyed him. So, she had done the only thing she could for him at that time, she had given him his shot at the Vipers. She had given him his wings to fly, to prove himself. And he had failed. And that was not her fault. He had forced her hand and he had paid the price. It was not her fault.
Kara took a deep breath. It was not her fault. She felt as if a huge stone had been lifted from her chest. She could suddenly breathe easier. Of course, Zac's loss still hurt, but for the first time, that pain was not accompanied by a suffocating sense of guilt. She hadn't thought about that conversation in the entire two years since the accident. Perhaps she had deliberately blocked it from her mind so that she could indulge in her self- pity and self-hate. Perhaps the fact that it had come to her mind now, was a sign that she was finally moving on from his death. For the first time in a very long time, she could think about him without feeling tears prickling the corners of her eyes.
"...Okay, I admit that in a Viper, she's the shit, but other than that I don't see what's so great about her. She's no great beauty. He could certainly do better than her," Norah was saying.
"Yeah, like me!" Rayna said, giggling.
Kara realized that the three women were still discussing her and Lee. She almost wanted to laugh out loud at the absurdity of their conversation in connection with the tremendous realization she had just made. She supposed that she should be offended at their assessment of her, but considering that if she hadn't been eavesdropping on their conversation, she might not have made her realization, she was inclined to be forgiving. It also helped that she had never really given a damn what people thought of her.
"Hey, wasn't she engaged to be married or something?" Alice asked.
"Oh, yeah," Norah said. "She was engaged to Commander Adama's younger son, but he died before they could get married. I forgot about that."
"So, maybe, the reason that Capt. Apollo and Starbuck are so tight is just because they were almost brother and sister-in-law. Maybe they aren't doing it at all. All of which means..."
"That Capt. Apollo could still be fair game," Norah finished for Alice.
"Yeah, but he is still the CAG. And the commander's son," Rayna said. "Both of which could make life very awkward if things didn't work out."
"Oh, yeah," the other two agreed glumly. The three fell silent for a moment contemplating this.
As if taking his cue from their conversation, the hatch swung open and Lee entered the room, rubbing his eyes and yawning hugely, having obviously just dragged himself out of bed. He was dressed in his flight suit, evidently in preparation for an early morning patrol. Without even looking around, he headed straight for the table at the side of the room, where a pot of coffee sat waiting. Pouring himself a cup, he turned and started to head back out of the room, but stopped as he noticed for the first time that the room was not empty.
"Uh, morning, ladies," he said.
"Good morning, Captain," the three women chimed, almost in unison.
"Hey, Starbuck," he called, nodding in her direction.
"Apollo," she responded in kind.
She was immediately rewarded with astonished gasps from the three women, who quickly turned in their seats to look at her.
"Ladies," she greeted them, smiling broadly.
She heard some embarrassed giggles and even a whispered, "Oh, frak!"
Still half-asleep and oblivious to the awkwardness of this exchange, Lee turned back to Kara and said, "Oh, hey, Starbuck, Tyrol told me to ask you if you'd had a chance to look at that Mark 7 with the tyllium leak."
"Oh, yeah, I did and he's going to have his hands full with that one. It's... well, it's hard to explain. Hang on, I'll come with you and explain it to him myself."
Gathering up her pens and journal, she joined him. As they were heading out of the room, she glanced back and noticed that the three younger women were still watching them with interest. Feeling suddenly mischievous, Kara stopped Lee just inside the hatch doorway.
"Hang on, a minute, Lee. You have something on the back of your flight suit," she said and without waiting for him to verify this, she began vigorously rubbing at the seat of his suit.
"What are you do-," He said, trying to twist around to see what she was doing.
"It's okay, I got it. You're good to go now," Kara interrupted quickly, looking at him with wide, innocent eyes and silently thanking the Lords that he was still not fully awake yet.
"Yeah, okay, whatever," he mumbled and headed out the hatch.
Kara turned to look back at her audience. The three women each stood and began quietly clapping. "Oh, bravo!" Norah called out.
Giving them a mock bow, Kara turned and followed Lee out of the hatch.
~END~