Arthur Kirkland had never had much luck with his love life.

He didn't know if it was his cynicism, his grumpiness, his looks or his height – he just knew that he'd never, ever managed to maintain a strong relationship at any point in his life. And he was bloody well sick of it. He didn't know what he was doing wrong. Sure, he could lose his temper easily, he was prone to getting well and truly pissed out of his mind when he drank too much, and he tended to make a huge fool out of himself – but surely these weren't enough reasons to make the entire human race ignore his need for love!

He had, of course, contemplated the fact that no-one wanted to go out with him because he was, well…bisexual, and people always said that gays were hated and despised, blah de blah... But then, Ludwig and Feliciano, the gay couple he used to go to school with, were insanely popular. They were always being chatted up to by shy stuttering girls or forward, brash men, so inside Arthur knew that it wasn't his sexual preferences, but more the fact that… he was just not a likeable person, for whatever unknown reason. And of course, Arthur knew that was something he just had to deal with.

Feliciano Vargas… He'd been his first date. Sort of. Well, his first kiss anyway. And even that had been cheating. Of course it hadn't really been official, as they were only kids at the time – the young Italian being the utterly romantic age of nine, and Arthur himself only a few years older at twelve. It hadn't even been a proper kiss with meaning, if he remembered correctly…

"Ve~ Arthur, Arthur, please teach me a kiss!" the young Italian cried happily, running in circles around the older boy. Arthur choked, nearly spitting out the apple juice he'd just been sipping from the carton in his hand.

"Wh-why on earth would you possibly wish to 'learn' that!?" he sputtered in shock, staring at the younger child. Feliciano just grinned.

"Ve~! I saw my older brother Romano kissing that Spanish boy, and I realised that I wanted to do that with Ludwig! But…" he looked down forlornly, "I don't know how. And I want the first kiss with him to be GREAT! So please teach me? Ve~!" he finished with his trademark noise.

Arthur sighed, rubbing his temples. Why was this guy such an idiot? Didn't he know what kissing meant? Especially gay kissing!

"Fine… I'll show you. But you don't tell anyone about this, got that you bloody twit!?" he snapped, ignoring the Italian's cry and grabbing the smaller boy's shoulders. He quickly leant in and kissed him… on the cheek.

'Arthur, you clever bastard,' he smirked to himself as he looked at the confusion painted on the Italian's face. Because he didn't want to steal this kid's first kiss. That should be saved for someone he actually loved… like the German. He felt a bit cruel for denying the child's wish, but he knew he'd done the right thing when he saw the boy glance to the left, where a certain German boy was staring at him in confusion.

"Go on," he growled, shoving the boy towards Ludwig. Without a second glance, he turned around and stalked away. It wasn't just about the Italian. He wanted to save his first kiss for someone special as well…

And he had saved it for someone special. Someone e'special'ly stupid. Arthur groaned internally when he thought of what an idiot he'd been. Yes, his love life had actually started a few years later, at the hands of a certain boy named Francis…

Arthur was sitting at his school desk, writing furiously. It was his favourite class, English, and he wanted to prove to his new teacher that he could… well …show off if he so wished. He'd been doing fine… or so he thought, until he realised it was ten minutes into the lesson and he'd written three lines. Bollocks. Not that it was his fault – he had an excuse! The same excuse that was currently slouched in the desk next to his in all of its blonde, stubbled and perverted glory… otherwise known as Francis Bonnefoy, the heartthrob of his school. And God, close up Arthur could see why – although he was telling himself it wasn't the case, it was clear that he was attracted to him. Really attracted to him. And it honestly didn't help a bit that said attraction was also currently running his hand along Arthur's leg repeatedly. No, that didn't help one bit, and Arthur knew that the French boy could sense this by the way he was staring at the Brit with a suggestive smirk adorning his mouth. Damn him.

And yet, the biggest surprise was yet to come – the moment the lesson finished, Francis captured Arthur's mouth in most possessive – no, wait, make that the first – kiss he'd ever had, resulting in Arthur breathlessly agreeing to Francis's request for his phone number. For how could he resist that attitude? And it was finally a chance to actually go out with someone for the first time. Aged fifteen. Ahem.

However, with Arthur's luck it was not to last. Only a week after receiving the most naughty and shockingly dirty text message he'd ever received (to which he'd replied with a 'not on your life you bloody git'), he broke up with Francis. But… he had a reason. It wasn't Arthur's fault – after all, what was he supposed to do when he opened a broom cupboard in the school expecting to find cleaning supplies only to be crushed by a falling Francis, stark naked and accompanied by two squealing and equally naked senior girls?

Arthur had been devastated, and had been consoled only by the fact that no first relationship lasted, and there were plenty more fish in the metaphorical sea…

"…Except they're all sharks," Arthur muttered irritably, letting his head drop at the work desk in front of him. It was true. His dates had all been failures after that. Take his second love for example, a ferocious Russian man with an equally scary sister…

"You will date me now, da?" Ivan asked, no, stated to the British boy. Arthur stared at him. Good God, this guy was a senior! Not only that, but one of the most feared people in the school! How could he…

"If you don't I've always got my pickaxe ready to smash your pathetic little brains into your skull with so that they make a bloody and appealing mess on the floor for me to keep forever…" the Russian finished with a sunny grin, contradicting the words that flowed from his mouth in every possible way. Arthur gulped in fear.

"Y-Yes, very well. I shall… uhm… go out with you," he sighed in defeat. He hated this man. Seriously, what had he ever done to deserve this? Ivan grinned happily at him, waving and turning away, revealing the bloody pickaxe hidden behind his back. Arthur shuddered, sticking his middle finger up angrily at the retreating figure with a huff. What was his problem? Why would he, the most hated and feared resident of his school, want to ever date Arthur, the socially-challenged and literary genius nerd? It was a mystery.

It hadn't lasted long, thankfully. Arthur had just been minding his own business, scribbling away poems on a piece of paper when he'd been…pounced on. With a knife. At his throat. Arthur had flipped, screeching in a very…manly fashion… Yes, very manly… and had whirled to face his potential murderer. Except it wasn't a murderer - at least, not the normal sort. It was Natalia, the twisted and psychotic sister of Russia, who was currently licking her knife with a passion and trotting menacingly towards Arthur on her dainty heels. She glared at him, her long silvery blonde hair shimmering in front of her face as she watched for his reaction.

"Wh-what the bloody hell are you doing!? I can report you for this you know! I'm the class president! You'll get expelled and-" he sputtered as he was rudely interrupted by a flick of the knife in his face.

"I'm only here to talk. Unless you're going to report me, in which case I may have to wash this knife afterwards," she grinned evilly at him. Arthur shivered. God, this girl was creepier than her brother!

She took his shocked silence as permission to continue.

"I've just got something to tell you, you see," she sighed in a bored manner whilst looming ever closer. Suddenly she grabbed his jaw turning his head to face her straight on. "STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BROTHER," she snarled. "HE'S MINE! You see, he's going to marry me… marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me-"

"OKAY! I get it!" Arthur blanched. "You can have him! Just… let me go?" he muttered gesturing to his current position; squashed against the bookshelf with a knife at the side of his neck and a psycho leaning over him. She complied, releasing him, and swept into the shadows with a hysterical laugh…

Arthur jerked violently at the memory, knocking his cup of tea over in the process. He sighed as his work papers soaked up the liquid hungrily. Damn. Natalia haunted him even now… talk about overprotective sister. He suddenly frowned in nostalgia. His next love had been a girl, his first and it made him realise that he was bi… Elizaveta if he remembered correctly. She'd been a weird one…

"Do it for me honey," she whined, pawing at Arthur's school jacket.

"No way!" he yelped in anger, astounded at the thing she was demanding he do.

Arthur had thought he'd struck gold when he found the Hungarian girl. She was beautiful; curvy and pretty, with a pleasant attitude to match. He would have turned straight for her. However, now he knew about her… shall we say…hobbies…

"Oh come on," she sighed. "All I want you to do is to 'do it' with Mr. Edelstein so I can record it on video!" she whined. Arthur's face paled.

"He's my bloody MATHS TEACHER! And I don't like him! I like you, even if you are a sick pervert!" He snapped, put off by her grin at his words.

"Oh, so you want me to join in the video too huh? Like a threesome? You kinky little brit~ Well, I'm not going to, but I'll ask France and maybe he can…"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" he blushed furiously, and ended their relationship there. It was just too… weird…

Arthur eventually finished mopping his desk clear of tea, and sat down with a huff. Honestly, his unluckiness was just ridiculous, really. He finally found a pretty girl to start a relationship with, and it just happened to be a 'Yaoi' fan…at least that was how she'd described it. He'd just thought of it as a horrid mistake on his part. His next romance had been…more successful. He honestly thought he could have maintained that relationship, if it weren't for a certain 'tentacle' book…

They had met at a library when Arthur was eighteen. Arthur had been flicking through a classic literary novel, just minding his own business quietly, when he had been rather rudely knocked on the head with a book dropped from the heavens... or a student. It landed in his lap and he jumped grabbing his head in pain. He twisted round in fury, ready to metaphorically rip the offender's head of – or literally depending on who it was. It if was Francis – but of course it wasn't. Instead, he found himself staring up into the eyes of a shocked Japanese boy who hurriedly muttered, "Gomenasai!" before reaching to retrieve his dropped book. Before he did so, however, Arthur caught a glimpse of the book title. It was the same as his! Arthur smiled at his discovery, and just hoped that the lad spoke fluent English.

Kiku did indeed speak English, albeit a little stiffly and improperly but it was close enough. Close enough to have a relationship, anyway. Which pleased Arthur. A lot. He hadn't had a lover in a while…and this young man was certainly nice, as well as having a distinctly similar personality as the English man, except for the temper. Kiku never lost his temper, and Arthur…well, he was prickly. That was all.

Their relationship developed slowly but surely – almost two weeks had passed since they started dating (a record for Arthur sadly enough), but it was not to last. Arthur had just been skimming through the various books on Kiku's shelf, when he found a particularly elusive one – it had a bright pink spine and had Japanese printed neatly one the side. Okay…

He picked up the book, prising it out from the place it was stuffed – between two heavy trilogy books about birds or something, and turned it to look at the cover. And nearly dropped the book in horror.

There, on the front of the book, was a picture. The title was clearly written above it, although as it was in Japanese Arthur had no clue as to what it said… but the picture. What was with that cover!? It was…it was…it was two blokes. Naked. Blatantly drawn, the lines detailed and precise, and you could see everything. And was that – was that a TENTACLE up that guy's - Oh, God.

Arthur did actually drop the book this time, feeling more than a little repulsed. What was that.. that thing doing in the quiet Kiku's bookshelf! It was more than strange. And creepy.

"Um, Arthur-san? Dinner's ready," The quiet voice of his lover interrupted his thought processes.

"Kiku…do you…ah, read about…tentacles?" Arthur spluttered incoherently.

Kiku just blinked in confusion.

"Like, Japanese… porn? It's just, I found a book, and I…" Arthur chewed on the inside of his cheek anxiously.

Kiku jumped slightly, but his expression did not change.

"Nooo…" he started slowly. Arthur thrust the book in his face exasperatedly.

"Then what the bloody hell is-"

"I draw it."

And Arthur's whole view, whole idea of innocent, shy and naïve Kiku collapsed and went to hell, flipping the bird to Arthur on the way just for spite's sake.

"Y-you DRAW it!?" Arthur's eyebrow twitched. Kiku smiled calmly.

"I don't see why you're so surprised. Yaoi is part of Japanese culture, and I was hoping to get Hungary to help me make one of us… and it really is something I thought you'd like, seeing as your nickname in school was 'Erotic Ambassador'." He almost smirked in a very un-Kiku like fashion. Arthur's mind reeled.

"That was only when…when I was going out with that FROG Francis! I'm not…I'M NOT EROTIC!" Arthur practically screeched in defiance. Kiku sighed in disappointment, and Arthur just stared…

Yeah, that had ended badly. If there was one thing Arthur hated, it was being reminded of Francis, and the whole tentacle thing and him was just…ugh. So he'd broken up with Kiku, and he'd been upset, and then…he'd found Gilbert.

He was an interesting boy, an albino; with his white hair and red eyes he looked quite the catch. He'd taken advantage of Arthur, really… making him his boyfriend for the fun of it, and saying that in return for giving Arthur a love life he had to help the Awesome him with his homework. Arthur had agreed, because a bullying boyfriend was a boyfriend nonetheless. Oh, he had his downsides. Many… One of the most poignant being that his best friends were an unsavoury bunch… mainly because they had Francis with them. They were a trio, the Prussian, the Frenchman and the Spaniard, a bad group of friends who all had many flaws – and Arthur was essentially forced to become part of that.

But, eventually he had to break away – after all, there were only so many times one could hear the word 'awesome' without becoming mentally unstable… and Arthur had had his limit.

"You don't even acknowledge me any more – you're too wrapped up in your own vanity! I bet if you could you'd have sex with yourself! I can't deal with that…" he'd confessed one night. However, instead of a heartfelt 'sorry', all he'd received was a laugh.

"Oh wow, that's such a cool idea for the totally awesome me!" Gilbert chortled. "All I need is a clone of myself, and I can- Oh, you're still here Artie?"

That had been the end of that particular relationship. It had lasted only four days. Arthur groaned, burying his head in his arms. Thinking about it, he'd had many relationships – they just hadn't lasted long at all. It was pathetic, really. And it hadn't even stopped when he'd left school. No, the first thing he'd done was grab the nearest person to him and demand their love; he was still hurt and bitter from love loss and needed to take it out on someone. That someone being Antonio, the Spanish boy from the Bad Touch Trio…

"You. Love. Me. Now." Arthur snarled, poking the Spaniard forcefully in the chest with every word. Antonio visibly shuddered in distaste.

"Look, my amigo, I know we were friends in high school but… this is going too far! I'm with Romano now!" the Spanish man huffed, flinching away from Arthur.

Arthur smirked evilly.

"So you like younger men then? Well, I guess I'll do just fine then won't I?" he grinned. For once, he was taking control of his love life. No more pushing around from anyone! He was…he was… he was BRITISH!

"I'm British! So you need to do what I say!" he crowed triumphantly.

"I don't see how that makes you better than-"

"SHADDUP! I'm bloody British you wanker! I can do what I want, you hear me?! My ancestors were bloody Pirates!" Arthur snapped. This wasn't going so well. What about the dominance he was supposed to possess? Antonio was currently meant to be cowering in submission and fear, waiting for Arthur to unleash his terrifying wrath – and he was actually just edging towards the door with a 'You-are-a-complete-weirdo-and-I-hate-you' look on his tanned face. Arthur growled.

"Look, I don't know why you want to go out with me, but I'm taken. I think you're just a sad, lonely little man who's too pathetic to realize no-one loves him… and you ought to get your attitude checked out!" the Spaniard laughed nervously and bolted out of the door.

Ouch. That had hurt. It was like being slapped in the face and having hot tea poured down your neck… and he wasn't just using the tea reference because he was British. Nope.

But he wasn't pathetic or lonely or sad. Right?...

'Of course I am,' Arthur hissed angrily, slamming his fist down on the table. It made a rather loud noise, louder than he'd intended, and some of his work sheets flew through the air towards the next desk due to the force of his fist. Damn. With a small noise of disapproval of his own stupidity, he stood up and walked over to the other desk. The Chinese man sitting there sniffed disdainfully at him, and Arthur just sort of stood there wondering what to do about the papers currently littered around Yao's feet. Eventually Yao bent down, picking up the papers and thrust them unceremoniously into Arthur's arms. The English man took them gratefully with an apologetic grimace and returned to his work desk.

Once seated, he contemplated his romantic endeavours. His most recent one had actually been directed towards the Chinese fellow currently staring obsessively at a photo of a panda…

"That's your seat, Yao. Work hard, and you may get a pay rise. Just… try to get on with the other workers, 'kay?" the Boss of the company Arthur worked for guided the new employee to her seat in the desk near Arthur's.

Arthur peered with interest at the young girl. He hadn't heard that a new employee was joining the company. She was of a slender build, and although he could only see the back of her he realised he was attracted to her long dark hair and almost…manly frame. But she was still feminine despite this.

As soon as his Boss had left, Arthur stood up with a smile and walked over to her desk. He flexed his eyebrows manically, trying to administer an alluring expression to his constantly scowling face. He guessed he'd worn that expression in the wind a little too often, so like his mumsie used to say he was now stuck with a permanent frown. The employee had her face down at her desk ('Probably a shy little thing', Arthur thought to himself), and one hand was clutching a photo of a Panda. Fine…

Arthur cleared his throat pointedly.

"Ah, excuse me, I was just wondering if…well, we've only just met, well we haven't actually met yet but…but would you mind giving me your number? You're an extremely attractive young-"

"I'm not gay, aru."

'What?' Arthur thought, glancing at the face now looking up at him. Oh, crap.

"YOU'RE A BOY!?" Arthur choked, his face flushing bright red as he stuttered slightly. "I, ah, I'm…" He waved his hands, trying desperately to think of an excuse for mistaking the guy's gender.

Said guy raised one thin eyebrow at the flushing man in front of him.

"And so are you," he replied sardonically. "I'm glad you've just learned your genders, aru."

Arthur's left eyebrow twitched in annoyance.

"I didn't…I just…Ah forget it. Welcome to the office," he sighed in defeat, running a hand through his feathery blonde hair.

What was it with him and love?...

Basically, he was a failure. At love. His first kiss had been with a kid on the cheek, his boyfriends had either dumped him within a day, used him for their own purposes or cheated on him and his girlfriends had been gay-obsessed freaks or hadn't been girls at all.

His past lovers had done well for themselves – Ludwig was now engaged to Feliciano, Antonio was with Romano, France was still a Pervert At Large, Russia was now 'one' with Belarus (whatever the bloody hell that was supposed to mean), Elizaveta was now married – to Gilbert of all people (why?...), Kiku was happy selling his sex cartoons, and Yao? He'd turned out gay after all, and was now going out with some weird Korean boy who had an unhealthy obsession with Yao's non-existent 'boobs' (See, he wasn't the only one to be confused about his gender!...). Everyone but him was settled and happy.

Great.

He was twenty-three now, was still a virgin (ahem) and was alone, with no friends and definitely no romance in his life, with a crap office job that paid little and bloody hell was he miserable!

He pursed his lips as he sorted through his paperwork, cringing at the very obvious tea stains adorning them. Suddenly he stopped dead.

"So this is where I'll be workin' from now on? SWEET DUDE! TOTALLY AWESOME!" a distinct American voice rang out from the door.

"These foreigners," Yao hissed in annoyance, and Arthur deadpanned.

"You're in England. You're Chinese." he sighed, shaking his head. Yao twitched, rolling his eyes.

"I've been in this country for years, aru! I have every right to be here," he muttered before returning his attention to that damned panda photo.

Arthur glared at the man for a second before jumping at a yell from the door.

"OH MY GAWD DUDE ARE YOU SERIOUS! I CAN START WORK TODAY!? BOO-YAAAH!" the obnoxious voice of the American reached his ears from outside. Arthur watched as the door handle turned. He was probably some overweight, ugly, stupid git-

Holy Britannia Angel.

If Arthur had just been told that France was going to confess his undying love and devotion to him, and then ask to marry him and go live with the fairies Arthur so often saw, he couldn't have been more surprised.

That American was hot. There was no other way to describe it. Arthur didn't often fall in love at first sight, but wow. Wow. Wow!

The subject of Arthur's entire focus - and from now on, existence - was currently picking his nose with a passion, which kind of ruined the effect of beauty but it still didn't matter to Arthur. He had medium length golden hair, which didn't shine in the sunlight because there wasn't any inside the building, but also because it seemed to shine without any sun. As did the lad's expression. He had large, sea-blue eyes that held innocence and maturity all in one stare, and these orbs were framed with shiny wire glasses that rested slightly wonkily on his perfect nose.

When that same stare was sent right at Arthur he got a little hot under the collar and averted his gaze. Even if the guy was mouth-wateringly amazing, there was no way this guy could possibly be gay, even if he had the looks to turn the straightest man homosexual.

Oh, but then he spotted the bracelet. It had a rainbow pattern. Now there was no doubt that - Oh, but little kids like rainbows and they're not all gay… it's just a stereotype, the cynical part of Arthur's mind – which was practically the entirety of it – nagged in his brain.

But then any doubts were shattered when the American caught sight of him again, and started to walk towards him.

"Heya, cutie with the eyebrows! What's your number!?"

Arthur had never had much luck with his love life…but two months, five dates and many kisses later, he thinks the horseshoe printed on Alfred's dog tag couldn't just be for show.