Broke
by dilly
---
"Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed." -- Kaylee, Out of Gas
---
NOW
He was close enough for vid, though the screen was staticky.
So that's what the new pilot looks like, he thought, and he coughed out a laugh.
"Firefly Serenity, this is Guillemot Meredith requesting assistance."
"Why should we assist you?" the girl drawled out. She wasn't very old, maybe in her twenties. Not very pretty either. There was something mean in her eyes.
"Just get Mal on the damn comm."
She looked a little startled, then she regained her frown. "Wait a sec."
The vid flickered off for a few minutes. When it came back on, there was Mal. It looked like he had his arm bandaged up. Typical.
"Captain."
Mal squinted at the vid screen, then his eyes widened in recognition.
"Damn. Wash. What's that creature growing out of your face?"
He grinned and stroked his beard. "Don't bother much with the shaving these days. Or the bathing or the washing my hands after going to the bathroom. As soon as you get me out of this fix, I'd just love to shake the hand of the man who saved me."
"I'll have Jayne get right on that. What're you doing on a Moon Buzzard?"
"Leaking fuel apparently. Unfortunately our chou wang ba dan of a mechanic didn't notice until, well. As I said to the pilot. Assistance requested. I sent the coords."
Mal nodded off screen, presumably to the pilot to change course. "We'll be right over. What're you going to need?"
"The lowest grade stuff you've got, whatever you can spare, should get us to where we need to go to fill up on our own. Got some cargo. I could skim a little to pay you off."
"You know I wouldn't stand for that sort of thing. Figure the people you're taking that cargo to probably need it."
"So what are you doing in the area? I'm sure it's just sightseeing and not doing a little crime planet-side."
"That's different."
"Not so much. I got a big enough load here it won't make a difference anyway."
Mal started to speak, but Wash interrupted him.
"I'm insisting here, Mal. I've grown me a new set of balls since I last saw you."
"And a face critter."
"That too."
"I better go tell the crew about the detour we're taking," Mal said. Wash nodded. "It's good to see you again."
"Bet not all of you feel that way."
The screen went black.
---
THEN
Things had changed since they'd been at the Heart of Gold. It had been a rough time. Inara had left them behind and, since then, they'd been involved in a lot of missions with even less classy sorts than they had before. One night, Wash whispered into Zoe's ear that they'd been through so much; she had been right, they should have a baby. She didn't say anything back.
A few months later, she told him that she was pregnant.
"That's great! That's really great. Isn't that great?" The last was an honest question. Zoe's eyes were so steadfastly fixed on the ceiling they looked painted on.
"Wasn't much planning on it right now. But Doc says all kinds of contraceptives are less than one-hundred percent effective."
Wash propped himself up on his hand and looked at her. "Zoe, we're married. We've been married. It isn't like a yer-daddy's-gon'-kill-me-if-I-don't-make-ye-honest type of scenario. It's a coupley thing, having babies. It's kind of what the whole coupley thing is based on. I thought you were the one who wanted to have a baby."
"Lately, what's been happening... I just started to see your point, is all." Finally, she looked at him. "Bringing somethinginto the world that's tiny and helpless, can't defend itself."
"I'm tiny and helpless and I get along fine."
She smiled, but just slightly. "I do want a baby, I just don't know if this is the type of life I want to raise it in."
"It's our life." Flashes of what 'our life' entailed went off before his eyes. Zoe getting shot at by Patience's men, Zoe hiding in the backs of wagons to fly out and shoot at bad guys... Mostly a lot of Zoe with guns being pointed at her in some fashion or another. "You should tell Mal."
"No," she said immediately. "No, I don't want him knowing until I show."
"What?" He put his hand on her stomach. "Zoe. Lambietoes. Big strong Amazon goddess among women. If you don't tell Mal--"
"If I don't tell Mal, he won't go easy on me."
"That's kind of the point I was leading up to."
"We've gone over this before. I'm not giving up my job to raise a kid."
He stared at her. "Well, raise, but. You never said anything about not taking time off to be pregnant. If I'd known that, I would have stuck with my original notion."
"It's my body, Husband."
"If I could make it my body, I'd stay safe, keep myself and the baby healthy. But I can't do that."
"All you do is sit on the ship anyway." He opened his mouth, but she spoke before him. "And, that's the way I like it. I married a man like you be--"
"A man like me? You mean a coward like me? You mean a not-Mal like me?"
"That's not what I said. Do you have to bring that into every conversation we have?"
"Oh, no, this isn't a conversation. This is an argument. You're not going out there with the fighting and hitting and shooting while you're pregnant with our baby."
Zoe's eyes were cold. "Then I'll have Simon cut it out of me."
Wash got out of the bed. For the moment, he didn't want to look at her. "Does everything good have to be turned bad? We're having a baby together. This is supposed to be happy news. This is supposed to be a big party in the dining hall. Instead it's going to be an argument and a secret and possibly nothing at all in the end, because you won't take it easy for a few months."
"Listen. Mind's been made up. I don't stop doing my job until it gets to the point I can't do it anymore. I'll take your few months off then."
"Ni xin tai hei le, I'm going to sleep in my old bunk tonight."
Zoe didn't say anything, she just turned her back toward him. He made as much sound on the way up the ladder as his bare hands and socked feet would allow.
---
NOW
"We're going to be making a detour," the captain said, absent-mindedly tugging at the bandage on his arm.
"Won't that make us late, sir?" Zoe asked.
Mal nodded slowly. "A few hours, the job'll sit."
Jayne sniffed. "There profit in this detour?"
"Moon buzzard's leaking fuel, needs some of our reserve stuff to get to a filling station. Pilot said he'll shave a little off the cargo he's toting as payment."
Zoe furrowed her eyebrows, but didn't say anything.
"Don't sound much like profit to me," Jayne said.
"Maybe not. More like a favor for a friend."
Jayne raised an eyebrow. "You got a trader friend? Didn't think they took to our sort."
"Most of 'em don't. This one's Wash."
Zoe's back went stiff.
"Well," said Mal. "That's about it. Unless either one of you has something to say."
Jayne made an irritable sound and left. Zoe didn't move.
"You have a problem, Zoe?"
"No, sir," she said, and she left.
---
THEN
Zoe stood in the cargo bay, stiff as a board, when Mal and Jayne came back to the ship. She felt sure she could feel the thing in her belly sucking her life away from her.
Mal gave her a curious look.
"Get paid?" she asked.
"And then some," Jayne said, with a fiendish sort of greed.
Zoe arched an eyebrow.
"Argyle got tetchy, forced some gunplay. Jayne scavenged. Makes for a pretty fair cut." Mal took some coin out of a pouch with the letter 'a' emblazoned on it and handed it to her. "That's for you and Wash."
"Maybe you should give Wash his personally, sir."
Mal gave her another curious look. "You got something you want to say, Zoe?"
"Alone, sir."
Jayne was gleefully inspecting a new gun until he noticed that both Zoe and the captain were staring at him.
"Doesn't gunplay make you hungry, Jayne?" Mal asked.
"Not particular."
Mal frowned. "Go eat anyway."
Jayne grumbled his way upstairs to the dining hall.
"So, what's on your mind, Zoe?"
"Sir." She crossed her arms over her chest. "May I ask why it was, exactly, you didn't bring me along on this job?"
Mal furrowed his brow. "Didn't expect this out of you."
"Sorry if it's disappointing to you, sir, but I need to ask."
"Argyle wasn't the most trustful sort of man I ever run into, if you remember." Zoe nodded. "Last time we did business, he showed interest in my ship. Figured if he was of that mind again, ship might need someone commanding-like. Didn't want to leave the more honorable among us thieves, what usually stay behind, getting my ship snatched."
Zoe mulled over his words for a moment. "Sir, if you don't mind my saying so, that's gou shi."
Mal tightened his lips, looking less and less patient with the conversation. "Whether or not I mind you saying it, you need to tell my why you said it."
"We've dealt with more than one shifty landlocked looking to touch sky. I think you didn't bring me with you because my husband told you I'm pregnant."
Mal stared at her. Then he blinked, tilted his head, and stared at her some more from another angle. "You think he told me what?"
"Sir."
"No, I'm not kidding Zoe. I don't know what in the 'verse you're flapping about."
She opened her mouth, then closed it and pressed her lips together.
"How far along, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Few weeks." She frowned. "A little over a month."
"When were you planning on letting me know we're going to be a crew of ten?"
Zoe sighed. "When I couldn't hide it anymore."
"And why's that?"
"I didn't want you going easy on me, sir."
Mal crossed his arms. "And when was the last time I went easy on you?"
"I know, sir. I didn't want to risk it. And I want to be sure, now that you know..."
"You have my word. I don't go easy on you until you say so."
Zoe nodded. "I appreciate it."
"Now, go tell your husband to get us off this planet."
"Yes, sir." She started up the stairs to the catwalk.
"And Zoe?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Congratulations."
She was still for a moment, then she gave a short nod.
---
NOW
Ice was gathering on Wash's beard and his fingers were growing numb from writing. He looked over the letter again to make sure it said everything, then withdrew his hand back to the warmth of his coat.
The mechanic was supposed to check in and give a report every hour. It had been two hours so either he was slacking or he was dead. Wash didn't much feel like getting up to find out which.
Wash closed his eyes and pictured hot beach sand. A nude beach. With Zoe.
Or maybe a regular beach. With Zoe and their child making sandcastles by the shore.
Or maybe just a hot fire. With a hearth. And a house attached. And lots of children running around Zoe, who was knitting in a rocking chair.
He laughed to himself. His breath crystallized in front of him.
---
THEN
Wash worried every time Zoe was out with the captain doing something dangerous. He knew she could take care of herself. Well, he knew that in theory. But no matter what the situation or how many times he saw his wife come back healthy, he had vivid images in his head of the various ways she could come back not so healthy this time.
These days, he had more than just Zoe to worry about. He didn't have so much evidence that she could take care of both herself and a baby.
He sat at the card table in the dining hall playing solitaire and trying hard not to let his imagination get away from him. He'd tried to stay on the bridge, as he generally did when the others were out, but his brain just wouldn't leave him alone.
River came wandering in with Simon close behind her. When Simon saw her heading toward what passed as a kitchen on the ship, he took her by her shoulders and led her to the table.
"You sit here, I'll make something for you."
"Captain put the knives away," she said, scratching at the grain of the table's surface. "Don't have to worry about that anymore."
Wash snorted. "Bright man, the captain."
Simon looked at Wash, surprised. "I didn't see you there."
"Yet here I am. Waiting." He sighed and gathered up the cards to start a new game. River wandered over to the card table. "You want to play something?"
She shook her head. "I want to watch."
"Suit yourself," he said with a shrug.
"How has Zoe been doing?" Simon asked from the kitchen.
"Fine." He paused. "Well, that's what she says, so really, it's anybody's guess."
"She doesn't come in for check-ups as often as I'd like. I don't have much experience with this kind of thing, so I'd be more likely to catch something if I saw her more often."
"Well, if you find any way to get her to take care of herself better, you let me know. Or, if you find a way to get her to do anything, for that matter..."
"No," said River, pointing to the cards. "Put that one there."
"I thought you didn't want to play."
She looked at him sternly. "You're doing it wrong."
"Simon, you're sister's giving me inadequacy issues about my solitaire playing ability."
"She has that tendency." Simon set a bowl of food on the table. "River, come here and eat."
"Wash needs me."
"How about this?" Simon came over and knelt next to her. "I'll keep an eye on him while you eat."
She sighed irritably. "Fine." And went to eat. Simon sat in the seat she'd vacated.
"I'm serious about Zoe."
"So am I," said Wash. "What am I supposed to do? I'm just the husband."
"Just what you can. Which, I'm sure you are."
"Yeah, well," Wash stared down at his cards. "That's not much."
Simon tilted his head to catch Wash's downcast eyes. "Be there for her, that's the best thing you can do for her health. It's a delicate time for any woman. Especially someone like her, who depends so much on the strength of her body."
River snorted loudly. Wash looked at her, then back at Simon. "That makes sense, Doctor. I guess--"
Sounds from the cargo bay stopped him. "That should be her. Er. Them." He got up and went to the cargo bay.
"How'd it go, how'd it go?" Wash asked as he jogged down the stairs. His cheerful expression went suddenly into a frown. "Zoe, is that a cut on your face?"
"One of Guy's enemies caught up with him," Mal said, and he flung a bag he was carrying to the ground. " Smooth has not been a strong point of ours last few weeks. Was a little precarious there for a minute, but turned out just fine in the end."
Jayne grunted as he put down a crate. "Got our goods."
"Are you all right, baby?" Wash asked Zoe.
She frowned at him. "Husband, shouldn't you be getting to the bridge and flying us off this rock?"
"That's right," said Mal. "I don't want to be pushy, but the sooner we break atmo the better."
Wash sighed and said, quietly, "Come up later."
Zoe didn't answer.
---
NOW
"Captain?" Gean, the pilot, wandered into the dining hall. "Captain, we're coming up on that Trader's ship."
Mal gave her a strange look. "Yeah, well, steer her over there, like I said."
"Well, um, I think you should come up and take a look."
Mal dropped his napkin on his plate and followed Gean up to the bridge.
"Look," she said, pointing.
"That's a ship all right," Mal said, peering out at the vaguely pear-shaped Guillemot.
"No, there's damage, see? Right there. Damage like that, near the engine... must have killed most of their main functions."
"I'm not too familiar with these kind of ships."
"Well, he said he needed fuel, but the thing is, fuel wouldn't do them no good. They must have got hit by something, maybe attacked even. Those ships are made cheap as possible for the most profit by the company makes them, and they're just goods runners, not good for anything more. Most everything's hooked up back there and there are no axillaries. Without a good mechanic and some luck, the whole ship would probably be dead in minutes."
Mal was quiet for a long while. Then, he said in a low voice, "Do you think they had enough air to wait for us?"
"I don't see how."
Mal turned. Zoe was in the doorway, a haunted look in her eye. "Gean, get us on that ship as quick as you can. We need to see if there are any survivors." He walked toward Zoe. "Let's get suited up."
---
THEN
Zoe hated being examined, she hated waiting and, in general, she wasn't too fond of doctors. Simon was growing on her in a way. Like mold.
"How long have you had the spotting?" Simon asked. Zoe gave him a look. "The bleeding."
"Oh. Uh. Don't know. Few days. You almost done in there?"
"Mhm." Simon stood up and took off his gloves, disposing of them, then washing his hands at the sink. She sat up and turned to the side of the table, pulling down the examination gown.
"How's it look?"
Simon turned off the faucet and took a deep breath. "You may want your husband in here."
Zoe pressed her lips together. She gripped the edge of the table. "I miscarried, didn't I?"
"Yes," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. The cervix is dilated, there's no question. You probably passed some of the tissue already, and there will still be some blood clots. I'll need to check up on you, but I don't see any danger of infection, so it should all happen naturally."
She blinked. "Thanks for telling me straight like that."
Simon nodded and took it as his cue to give her a little privacy to put her clothes back on.
Once she was dressed, she went to her room to get her pad. She straightened out the bed while she was there, since Wash had been the last one up that morning. She went to the bathroom, put on the pad and washed her face.
She looked at herself in the shiny bit of metal Kaylee had polished to work near something like a mirror.
Didn't look like much of a mother anyway.
Then, she went to the bridge.
"Need to talk to you."
"Yeah?" Wash said, distractedly. He was scanning the Cortex.
He stopped and look at her when he heard her close the doors. "What is it?"
"Simon did an exam on me."
An expression came over his face that made her feel ill.
"Baby's gone. I miscarried."
Wash turned away from her and rested his head in his hands, leaning against the navpanel.
"He's sure?"
"Yeah."
He ran a hand through his hair. "How am I devastated and not surprised at the same time?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.
She took a step toward him. "No. Tell me," she said forcefully.
"I don't want to."
"Do it," she growled.
He spun around in his chair to face her. "You shouldn't have gone on those jobs with Mal. Hell, we probably should have found a place on-land to stay until you had the baby."
"I wasn't going to stop being who I am for the baby. I wasn't going to go soft because I was pregnant."
"You went harder because you were pregnant."
Zoe stared at him. Wash glared back for a moment before his eyes shifted down. He screwed his face up tight.
"You think I did it on purpose?" Zoe asked.
"I didn't mean..."
"You just go straight to the other bunk tonight," she spat, her voice wavering slightly. "I don't want to look at you."
She left him there wishing, for the moment, that she could get far enough away from him not to see his face for a while.
---
NOW
It was obvious that the Guillemot was Wash's ship from the moment they stepped onboard. There were sprayed-on, colorful paintings of dinosaurs all over the cargo bay. There were also boxes, opened and empty, carelessly disarranged on the floor. Life-support warnings were droning.
"Pilot said bridge would be that way," Mal said to Zoe, pointing. Zoe nodded and ran up the stairs, as fast as the suit would let her.
On the floor of the catwalk, a man lay frozen stiff. It wasn't Wash. She stepped over him. Her heart was racing with a fear she hadn't known in a long time.
Since Niska had taken her husband, actually. And before that, it had been during the war.
Zoe paused at the door to the bridge for a moment, then opened it. There was a hunched figure still in the pilot's seat. He was wrapped in a blanket, gripping something in his hand. Her face burned with held back emotion.
There was ice in his prickly blond beard.
"Simon!" she shouted, and waited for the medic to come.
---
THEN
"Are you sure?" Mal asked.
Wash looked up at Serenity. There was something odd about her when she was onland, all dusty and heavy.
"There are a lot of quality pilots here, aching to get further out than carting cargo to the moons."
"That's not what I'm asking."
He squinted up into the sky. The sun was blazing hot. He'd have to get used to sunlight again.
"You know when something's wrong with Serenity and you can feel it, but you don't know how to fix it?"
"Yeah."
"That's my marriage."
"Something's broke on Serenity," Mal said, "I work until I find out how to fix it. Or have someone help me."
"Really, Captain." Wash snorted. "Marriage advice? You couldn't even tell Inara you had feelings for her before she left." He was surprised at himself, coming out and saying something like that. But he was leaving anyway, right? Didn't really matter anymore.
Mal gave him a cold look. "I don't-- I was just going with your analogy."
"I understand what you're trying to do, but there's no point. We haven't spoken in months. I haven't even slept in the same bed with her since, well. Since the thing. You don't see her here, do you? Seems like that might be a hint that she doesn't have any problem leaving me here."
"Maybe. Like you said, I got no room to be giving you advice."
"Don't worry about it." He hiked his bag higher on his shoulder. "I'll miss Serenity though. It was like home for a while. Except better."
"I'll send a wave if we're in the area."
Wash smiled a little. "I'd like that. Good luck finding a pilot."
"Won't find a better one."
"Well, I knew that."
Wash walked away from Serenity. He tried not to look back, but he did a few times, just to make sure no one was trying to stop him.
---
NOW
Wash had been holding two letters in his frozen hand.
One, Zoe carried it around with her for days, not getting past Dear Zoe.
The other was addressed to Mal, and said that they'd been attacked and where to find the hidden cargo the pirates hadn't found. He said to make sure and get whatever part Kaylee was begging for these days with the money they made from it, so that the ship would be safe.
He asked that they take his antique toy collection and give it to River, who had shown some appreciation for them on occasion.
He also asked to leave the ship and the bodies, aside from taking the letters, cargo and toys, as they'd been found. He didn't want Serenity getting blamed for attacking the transport. But he wouldn't mind Book saying a few words over him and the rest of his crew.
The things Wash had left when they dropped him off on that planet had long been boxed up, in case Zoe had a chance to give them back. It wasn't much. Some socks, one of his uglier shirts, a dinosaur toy with one arm held on with duct tape. She had a double bed to herself, but she only ever slept on one side of it.
Everyone except Mal seemed afraid to talk to her afterward. Mal treated her the way she wanted him to, as though nothing had happened.
She carried the letter in her pocket, but she didn't read it for a week, on the day that used to be their anniversary. She made a little protein cupcake, like the one he'd made her on the first anniversary, and ate it by herself. Then, she went to her room and laid down on her side of the bed.
It was in her pocket, folded up neatly. She smoothed out the crinkles his grip had left as well as she was able.
She read it, and then she got up and went to the infirmary.
---
NOW
Dear Zoe,
I hate to say it, or write it in this case, but I think we screwed up, lambietoes. I think we had what a lot of people miss out on and we screwed it up.
I loved you when I left and I still love you. Deep down, I think I've spent the last few months waiting for us to find each other again. We'd found each other before, even made it through the adversity of an ugly mustache and squeezing the toothpaste in the middle and went on to get married. Didn't seem like such a huge leap that we'd bump into each other again and make up.
Which, I guess we did, but it's not exactly how I planned.
You didn't hurt the baby. It took me a while to figure that out because I'm stupid and I don't deal with loss very well. Or at all, if I can help it. I forgot for a little while that I didn't need anything but you and I screwed up.
My fingers are starting to get numb or I'd write more.
Please keep the good memories and conveniently forget the rest? I'd appreciate it a lot.
Never did properly get divorced, so,
Love,
Your Husband.
---
NOW
There was a bright light on his eyelids. Wash turned his head away from it, then opened his eyes.
Navy blue pinstripes. He'd never heard of a religion with angels in navy blue pinstriped vests before, so...
"Simon?" he said, but it came out more like smaugch because his throat was so tight and dry.
"You were intubated, it would be better if you try not to speak much."
"Not froze?"
"A little, actually," Simon said and he looked up at someone.
Wash followed Simon's line of sight and saw something more along the lines of what he'd imagine an angel to look like. A thought which he immediately recognized as incredibly sappy, but he didn't much care.
"You lost a few fingers and toes from the frostbite," Zoe said.
Wash raised his hands up to his face to see. Yep, he was missing the tips of his pinky and ring finger on his left hand and his entire pointing finger on the right.
"Take some getting used to," he muttered, but he was smiling.
Zoe smiled too. "You took that pretty well."
"Could be worse."
"A lot worse," Simon said. "Not much longer and you would have died."
Zoe put her hand around his. "It was touch and go there for a few weeks."
Wash swallowed dryly. "Water?"
"Sure," said Simon, and he went to the sink.
"How long have you been here?" Wash asked.
"Since I read your letter."
"Oh." He looked sheepish. "Did it work?"
Zoe chuckled quietly. "Why else would I be here, Husband?"
Wash closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It felt good to hear her call him that again.
"Wait," he said, opening his eyes. "You didn't give my dinosaurs to River yet, did you?"
Zoe nodded solemnly. "Mmmhm, she decided to do some experiments, seeing how far they could fall before they broke. Got a cargo bay full of heads and arms and legs..."
His eyes widened in horror. Simon returned with a glass of water. "She took very good care of them while you were unconscious."
"That," Wash said. "Was a very cruel thing to lie to a man about, Zoe."
"What can I say?" She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "Welcome back to Serenity, dear."
by dilly
---
"Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed." -- Kaylee, Out of Gas
---
NOW
He was close enough for vid, though the screen was staticky.
So that's what the new pilot looks like, he thought, and he coughed out a laugh.
"Firefly Serenity, this is Guillemot Meredith requesting assistance."
"Why should we assist you?" the girl drawled out. She wasn't very old, maybe in her twenties. Not very pretty either. There was something mean in her eyes.
"Just get Mal on the damn comm."
She looked a little startled, then she regained her frown. "Wait a sec."
The vid flickered off for a few minutes. When it came back on, there was Mal. It looked like he had his arm bandaged up. Typical.
"Captain."
Mal squinted at the vid screen, then his eyes widened in recognition.
"Damn. Wash. What's that creature growing out of your face?"
He grinned and stroked his beard. "Don't bother much with the shaving these days. Or the bathing or the washing my hands after going to the bathroom. As soon as you get me out of this fix, I'd just love to shake the hand of the man who saved me."
"I'll have Jayne get right on that. What're you doing on a Moon Buzzard?"
"Leaking fuel apparently. Unfortunately our chou wang ba dan of a mechanic didn't notice until, well. As I said to the pilot. Assistance requested. I sent the coords."
Mal nodded off screen, presumably to the pilot to change course. "We'll be right over. What're you going to need?"
"The lowest grade stuff you've got, whatever you can spare, should get us to where we need to go to fill up on our own. Got some cargo. I could skim a little to pay you off."
"You know I wouldn't stand for that sort of thing. Figure the people you're taking that cargo to probably need it."
"So what are you doing in the area? I'm sure it's just sightseeing and not doing a little crime planet-side."
"That's different."
"Not so much. I got a big enough load here it won't make a difference anyway."
Mal started to speak, but Wash interrupted him.
"I'm insisting here, Mal. I've grown me a new set of balls since I last saw you."
"And a face critter."
"That too."
"I better go tell the crew about the detour we're taking," Mal said. Wash nodded. "It's good to see you again."
"Bet not all of you feel that way."
The screen went black.
---
THEN
Things had changed since they'd been at the Heart of Gold. It had been a rough time. Inara had left them behind and, since then, they'd been involved in a lot of missions with even less classy sorts than they had before. One night, Wash whispered into Zoe's ear that they'd been through so much; she had been right, they should have a baby. She didn't say anything back.
A few months later, she told him that she was pregnant.
"That's great! That's really great. Isn't that great?" The last was an honest question. Zoe's eyes were so steadfastly fixed on the ceiling they looked painted on.
"Wasn't much planning on it right now. But Doc says all kinds of contraceptives are less than one-hundred percent effective."
Wash propped himself up on his hand and looked at her. "Zoe, we're married. We've been married. It isn't like a yer-daddy's-gon'-kill-me-if-I-don't-make-ye-honest type of scenario. It's a coupley thing, having babies. It's kind of what the whole coupley thing is based on. I thought you were the one who wanted to have a baby."
"Lately, what's been happening... I just started to see your point, is all." Finally, she looked at him. "Bringing somethinginto the world that's tiny and helpless, can't defend itself."
"I'm tiny and helpless and I get along fine."
She smiled, but just slightly. "I do want a baby, I just don't know if this is the type of life I want to raise it in."
"It's our life." Flashes of what 'our life' entailed went off before his eyes. Zoe getting shot at by Patience's men, Zoe hiding in the backs of wagons to fly out and shoot at bad guys... Mostly a lot of Zoe with guns being pointed at her in some fashion or another. "You should tell Mal."
"No," she said immediately. "No, I don't want him knowing until I show."
"What?" He put his hand on her stomach. "Zoe. Lambietoes. Big strong Amazon goddess among women. If you don't tell Mal--"
"If I don't tell Mal, he won't go easy on me."
"That's kind of the point I was leading up to."
"We've gone over this before. I'm not giving up my job to raise a kid."
He stared at her. "Well, raise, but. You never said anything about not taking time off to be pregnant. If I'd known that, I would have stuck with my original notion."
"It's my body, Husband."
"If I could make it my body, I'd stay safe, keep myself and the baby healthy. But I can't do that."
"All you do is sit on the ship anyway." He opened his mouth, but she spoke before him. "And, that's the way I like it. I married a man like you be--"
"A man like me? You mean a coward like me? You mean a not-Mal like me?"
"That's not what I said. Do you have to bring that into every conversation we have?"
"Oh, no, this isn't a conversation. This is an argument. You're not going out there with the fighting and hitting and shooting while you're pregnant with our baby."
Zoe's eyes were cold. "Then I'll have Simon cut it out of me."
Wash got out of the bed. For the moment, he didn't want to look at her. "Does everything good have to be turned bad? We're having a baby together. This is supposed to be happy news. This is supposed to be a big party in the dining hall. Instead it's going to be an argument and a secret and possibly nothing at all in the end, because you won't take it easy for a few months."
"Listen. Mind's been made up. I don't stop doing my job until it gets to the point I can't do it anymore. I'll take your few months off then."
"Ni xin tai hei le, I'm going to sleep in my old bunk tonight."
Zoe didn't say anything, she just turned her back toward him. He made as much sound on the way up the ladder as his bare hands and socked feet would allow.
---
NOW
"We're going to be making a detour," the captain said, absent-mindedly tugging at the bandage on his arm.
"Won't that make us late, sir?" Zoe asked.
Mal nodded slowly. "A few hours, the job'll sit."
Jayne sniffed. "There profit in this detour?"
"Moon buzzard's leaking fuel, needs some of our reserve stuff to get to a filling station. Pilot said he'll shave a little off the cargo he's toting as payment."
Zoe furrowed her eyebrows, but didn't say anything.
"Don't sound much like profit to me," Jayne said.
"Maybe not. More like a favor for a friend."
Jayne raised an eyebrow. "You got a trader friend? Didn't think they took to our sort."
"Most of 'em don't. This one's Wash."
Zoe's back went stiff.
"Well," said Mal. "That's about it. Unless either one of you has something to say."
Jayne made an irritable sound and left. Zoe didn't move.
"You have a problem, Zoe?"
"No, sir," she said, and she left.
---
THEN
Zoe stood in the cargo bay, stiff as a board, when Mal and Jayne came back to the ship. She felt sure she could feel the thing in her belly sucking her life away from her.
Mal gave her a curious look.
"Get paid?" she asked.
"And then some," Jayne said, with a fiendish sort of greed.
Zoe arched an eyebrow.
"Argyle got tetchy, forced some gunplay. Jayne scavenged. Makes for a pretty fair cut." Mal took some coin out of a pouch with the letter 'a' emblazoned on it and handed it to her. "That's for you and Wash."
"Maybe you should give Wash his personally, sir."
Mal gave her another curious look. "You got something you want to say, Zoe?"
"Alone, sir."
Jayne was gleefully inspecting a new gun until he noticed that both Zoe and the captain were staring at him.
"Doesn't gunplay make you hungry, Jayne?" Mal asked.
"Not particular."
Mal frowned. "Go eat anyway."
Jayne grumbled his way upstairs to the dining hall.
"So, what's on your mind, Zoe?"
"Sir." She crossed her arms over her chest. "May I ask why it was, exactly, you didn't bring me along on this job?"
Mal furrowed his brow. "Didn't expect this out of you."
"Sorry if it's disappointing to you, sir, but I need to ask."
"Argyle wasn't the most trustful sort of man I ever run into, if you remember." Zoe nodded. "Last time we did business, he showed interest in my ship. Figured if he was of that mind again, ship might need someone commanding-like. Didn't want to leave the more honorable among us thieves, what usually stay behind, getting my ship snatched."
Zoe mulled over his words for a moment. "Sir, if you don't mind my saying so, that's gou shi."
Mal tightened his lips, looking less and less patient with the conversation. "Whether or not I mind you saying it, you need to tell my why you said it."
"We've dealt with more than one shifty landlocked looking to touch sky. I think you didn't bring me with you because my husband told you I'm pregnant."
Mal stared at her. Then he blinked, tilted his head, and stared at her some more from another angle. "You think he told me what?"
"Sir."
"No, I'm not kidding Zoe. I don't know what in the 'verse you're flapping about."
She opened her mouth, then closed it and pressed her lips together.
"How far along, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Few weeks." She frowned. "A little over a month."
"When were you planning on letting me know we're going to be a crew of ten?"
Zoe sighed. "When I couldn't hide it anymore."
"And why's that?"
"I didn't want you going easy on me, sir."
Mal crossed his arms. "And when was the last time I went easy on you?"
"I know, sir. I didn't want to risk it. And I want to be sure, now that you know..."
"You have my word. I don't go easy on you until you say so."
Zoe nodded. "I appreciate it."
"Now, go tell your husband to get us off this planet."
"Yes, sir." She started up the stairs to the catwalk.
"And Zoe?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Congratulations."
She was still for a moment, then she gave a short nod.
---
NOW
Ice was gathering on Wash's beard and his fingers were growing numb from writing. He looked over the letter again to make sure it said everything, then withdrew his hand back to the warmth of his coat.
The mechanic was supposed to check in and give a report every hour. It had been two hours so either he was slacking or he was dead. Wash didn't much feel like getting up to find out which.
Wash closed his eyes and pictured hot beach sand. A nude beach. With Zoe.
Or maybe a regular beach. With Zoe and their child making sandcastles by the shore.
Or maybe just a hot fire. With a hearth. And a house attached. And lots of children running around Zoe, who was knitting in a rocking chair.
He laughed to himself. His breath crystallized in front of him.
---
THEN
Wash worried every time Zoe was out with the captain doing something dangerous. He knew she could take care of herself. Well, he knew that in theory. But no matter what the situation or how many times he saw his wife come back healthy, he had vivid images in his head of the various ways she could come back not so healthy this time.
These days, he had more than just Zoe to worry about. He didn't have so much evidence that she could take care of both herself and a baby.
He sat at the card table in the dining hall playing solitaire and trying hard not to let his imagination get away from him. He'd tried to stay on the bridge, as he generally did when the others were out, but his brain just wouldn't leave him alone.
River came wandering in with Simon close behind her. When Simon saw her heading toward what passed as a kitchen on the ship, he took her by her shoulders and led her to the table.
"You sit here, I'll make something for you."
"Captain put the knives away," she said, scratching at the grain of the table's surface. "Don't have to worry about that anymore."
Wash snorted. "Bright man, the captain."
Simon looked at Wash, surprised. "I didn't see you there."
"Yet here I am. Waiting." He sighed and gathered up the cards to start a new game. River wandered over to the card table. "You want to play something?"
She shook her head. "I want to watch."
"Suit yourself," he said with a shrug.
"How has Zoe been doing?" Simon asked from the kitchen.
"Fine." He paused. "Well, that's what she says, so really, it's anybody's guess."
"She doesn't come in for check-ups as often as I'd like. I don't have much experience with this kind of thing, so I'd be more likely to catch something if I saw her more often."
"Well, if you find any way to get her to take care of herself better, you let me know. Or, if you find a way to get her to do anything, for that matter..."
"No," said River, pointing to the cards. "Put that one there."
"I thought you didn't want to play."
She looked at him sternly. "You're doing it wrong."
"Simon, you're sister's giving me inadequacy issues about my solitaire playing ability."
"She has that tendency." Simon set a bowl of food on the table. "River, come here and eat."
"Wash needs me."
"How about this?" Simon came over and knelt next to her. "I'll keep an eye on him while you eat."
She sighed irritably. "Fine." And went to eat. Simon sat in the seat she'd vacated.
"I'm serious about Zoe."
"So am I," said Wash. "What am I supposed to do? I'm just the husband."
"Just what you can. Which, I'm sure you are."
"Yeah, well," Wash stared down at his cards. "That's not much."
Simon tilted his head to catch Wash's downcast eyes. "Be there for her, that's the best thing you can do for her health. It's a delicate time for any woman. Especially someone like her, who depends so much on the strength of her body."
River snorted loudly. Wash looked at her, then back at Simon. "That makes sense, Doctor. I guess--"
Sounds from the cargo bay stopped him. "That should be her. Er. Them." He got up and went to the cargo bay.
"How'd it go, how'd it go?" Wash asked as he jogged down the stairs. His cheerful expression went suddenly into a frown. "Zoe, is that a cut on your face?"
"One of Guy's enemies caught up with him," Mal said, and he flung a bag he was carrying to the ground. " Smooth has not been a strong point of ours last few weeks. Was a little precarious there for a minute, but turned out just fine in the end."
Jayne grunted as he put down a crate. "Got our goods."
"Are you all right, baby?" Wash asked Zoe.
She frowned at him. "Husband, shouldn't you be getting to the bridge and flying us off this rock?"
"That's right," said Mal. "I don't want to be pushy, but the sooner we break atmo the better."
Wash sighed and said, quietly, "Come up later."
Zoe didn't answer.
---
NOW
"Captain?" Gean, the pilot, wandered into the dining hall. "Captain, we're coming up on that Trader's ship."
Mal gave her a strange look. "Yeah, well, steer her over there, like I said."
"Well, um, I think you should come up and take a look."
Mal dropped his napkin on his plate and followed Gean up to the bridge.
"Look," she said, pointing.
"That's a ship all right," Mal said, peering out at the vaguely pear-shaped Guillemot.
"No, there's damage, see? Right there. Damage like that, near the engine... must have killed most of their main functions."
"I'm not too familiar with these kind of ships."
"Well, he said he needed fuel, but the thing is, fuel wouldn't do them no good. They must have got hit by something, maybe attacked even. Those ships are made cheap as possible for the most profit by the company makes them, and they're just goods runners, not good for anything more. Most everything's hooked up back there and there are no axillaries. Without a good mechanic and some luck, the whole ship would probably be dead in minutes."
Mal was quiet for a long while. Then, he said in a low voice, "Do you think they had enough air to wait for us?"
"I don't see how."
Mal turned. Zoe was in the doorway, a haunted look in her eye. "Gean, get us on that ship as quick as you can. We need to see if there are any survivors." He walked toward Zoe. "Let's get suited up."
---
THEN
Zoe hated being examined, she hated waiting and, in general, she wasn't too fond of doctors. Simon was growing on her in a way. Like mold.
"How long have you had the spotting?" Simon asked. Zoe gave him a look. "The bleeding."
"Oh. Uh. Don't know. Few days. You almost done in there?"
"Mhm." Simon stood up and took off his gloves, disposing of them, then washing his hands at the sink. She sat up and turned to the side of the table, pulling down the examination gown.
"How's it look?"
Simon turned off the faucet and took a deep breath. "You may want your husband in here."
Zoe pressed her lips together. She gripped the edge of the table. "I miscarried, didn't I?"
"Yes," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. The cervix is dilated, there's no question. You probably passed some of the tissue already, and there will still be some blood clots. I'll need to check up on you, but I don't see any danger of infection, so it should all happen naturally."
She blinked. "Thanks for telling me straight like that."
Simon nodded and took it as his cue to give her a little privacy to put her clothes back on.
Once she was dressed, she went to her room to get her pad. She straightened out the bed while she was there, since Wash had been the last one up that morning. She went to the bathroom, put on the pad and washed her face.
She looked at herself in the shiny bit of metal Kaylee had polished to work near something like a mirror.
Didn't look like much of a mother anyway.
Then, she went to the bridge.
"Need to talk to you."
"Yeah?" Wash said, distractedly. He was scanning the Cortex.
He stopped and look at her when he heard her close the doors. "What is it?"
"Simon did an exam on me."
An expression came over his face that made her feel ill.
"Baby's gone. I miscarried."
Wash turned away from her and rested his head in his hands, leaning against the navpanel.
"He's sure?"
"Yeah."
He ran a hand through his hair. "How am I devastated and not surprised at the same time?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head.
She took a step toward him. "No. Tell me," she said forcefully.
"I don't want to."
"Do it," she growled.
He spun around in his chair to face her. "You shouldn't have gone on those jobs with Mal. Hell, we probably should have found a place on-land to stay until you had the baby."
"I wasn't going to stop being who I am for the baby. I wasn't going to go soft because I was pregnant."
"You went harder because you were pregnant."
Zoe stared at him. Wash glared back for a moment before his eyes shifted down. He screwed his face up tight.
"You think I did it on purpose?" Zoe asked.
"I didn't mean..."
"You just go straight to the other bunk tonight," she spat, her voice wavering slightly. "I don't want to look at you."
She left him there wishing, for the moment, that she could get far enough away from him not to see his face for a while.
---
NOW
It was obvious that the Guillemot was Wash's ship from the moment they stepped onboard. There were sprayed-on, colorful paintings of dinosaurs all over the cargo bay. There were also boxes, opened and empty, carelessly disarranged on the floor. Life-support warnings were droning.
"Pilot said bridge would be that way," Mal said to Zoe, pointing. Zoe nodded and ran up the stairs, as fast as the suit would let her.
On the floor of the catwalk, a man lay frozen stiff. It wasn't Wash. She stepped over him. Her heart was racing with a fear she hadn't known in a long time.
Since Niska had taken her husband, actually. And before that, it had been during the war.
Zoe paused at the door to the bridge for a moment, then opened it. There was a hunched figure still in the pilot's seat. He was wrapped in a blanket, gripping something in his hand. Her face burned with held back emotion.
There was ice in his prickly blond beard.
"Simon!" she shouted, and waited for the medic to come.
---
THEN
"Are you sure?" Mal asked.
Wash looked up at Serenity. There was something odd about her when she was onland, all dusty and heavy.
"There are a lot of quality pilots here, aching to get further out than carting cargo to the moons."
"That's not what I'm asking."
He squinted up into the sky. The sun was blazing hot. He'd have to get used to sunlight again.
"You know when something's wrong with Serenity and you can feel it, but you don't know how to fix it?"
"Yeah."
"That's my marriage."
"Something's broke on Serenity," Mal said, "I work until I find out how to fix it. Or have someone help me."
"Really, Captain." Wash snorted. "Marriage advice? You couldn't even tell Inara you had feelings for her before she left." He was surprised at himself, coming out and saying something like that. But he was leaving anyway, right? Didn't really matter anymore.
Mal gave him a cold look. "I don't-- I was just going with your analogy."
"I understand what you're trying to do, but there's no point. We haven't spoken in months. I haven't even slept in the same bed with her since, well. Since the thing. You don't see her here, do you? Seems like that might be a hint that she doesn't have any problem leaving me here."
"Maybe. Like you said, I got no room to be giving you advice."
"Don't worry about it." He hiked his bag higher on his shoulder. "I'll miss Serenity though. It was like home for a while. Except better."
"I'll send a wave if we're in the area."
Wash smiled a little. "I'd like that. Good luck finding a pilot."
"Won't find a better one."
"Well, I knew that."
Wash walked away from Serenity. He tried not to look back, but he did a few times, just to make sure no one was trying to stop him.
---
NOW
Wash had been holding two letters in his frozen hand.
One, Zoe carried it around with her for days, not getting past Dear Zoe.
The other was addressed to Mal, and said that they'd been attacked and where to find the hidden cargo the pirates hadn't found. He said to make sure and get whatever part Kaylee was begging for these days with the money they made from it, so that the ship would be safe.
He asked that they take his antique toy collection and give it to River, who had shown some appreciation for them on occasion.
He also asked to leave the ship and the bodies, aside from taking the letters, cargo and toys, as they'd been found. He didn't want Serenity getting blamed for attacking the transport. But he wouldn't mind Book saying a few words over him and the rest of his crew.
The things Wash had left when they dropped him off on that planet had long been boxed up, in case Zoe had a chance to give them back. It wasn't much. Some socks, one of his uglier shirts, a dinosaur toy with one arm held on with duct tape. She had a double bed to herself, but she only ever slept on one side of it.
Everyone except Mal seemed afraid to talk to her afterward. Mal treated her the way she wanted him to, as though nothing had happened.
She carried the letter in her pocket, but she didn't read it for a week, on the day that used to be their anniversary. She made a little protein cupcake, like the one he'd made her on the first anniversary, and ate it by herself. Then, she went to her room and laid down on her side of the bed.
It was in her pocket, folded up neatly. She smoothed out the crinkles his grip had left as well as she was able.
She read it, and then she got up and went to the infirmary.
---
NOW
Dear Zoe,
I hate to say it, or write it in this case, but I think we screwed up, lambietoes. I think we had what a lot of people miss out on and we screwed it up.
I loved you when I left and I still love you. Deep down, I think I've spent the last few months waiting for us to find each other again. We'd found each other before, even made it through the adversity of an ugly mustache and squeezing the toothpaste in the middle and went on to get married. Didn't seem like such a huge leap that we'd bump into each other again and make up.
Which, I guess we did, but it's not exactly how I planned.
You didn't hurt the baby. It took me a while to figure that out because I'm stupid and I don't deal with loss very well. Or at all, if I can help it. I forgot for a little while that I didn't need anything but you and I screwed up.
My fingers are starting to get numb or I'd write more.
Please keep the good memories and conveniently forget the rest? I'd appreciate it a lot.
Never did properly get divorced, so,
Love,
Your Husband.
---
NOW
There was a bright light on his eyelids. Wash turned his head away from it, then opened his eyes.
Navy blue pinstripes. He'd never heard of a religion with angels in navy blue pinstriped vests before, so...
"Simon?" he said, but it came out more like smaugch because his throat was so tight and dry.
"You were intubated, it would be better if you try not to speak much."
"Not froze?"
"A little, actually," Simon said and he looked up at someone.
Wash followed Simon's line of sight and saw something more along the lines of what he'd imagine an angel to look like. A thought which he immediately recognized as incredibly sappy, but he didn't much care.
"You lost a few fingers and toes from the frostbite," Zoe said.
Wash raised his hands up to his face to see. Yep, he was missing the tips of his pinky and ring finger on his left hand and his entire pointing finger on the right.
"Take some getting used to," he muttered, but he was smiling.
Zoe smiled too. "You took that pretty well."
"Could be worse."
"A lot worse," Simon said. "Not much longer and you would have died."
Zoe put her hand around his. "It was touch and go there for a few weeks."
Wash swallowed dryly. "Water?"
"Sure," said Simon, and he went to the sink.
"How long have you been here?" Wash asked.
"Since I read your letter."
"Oh." He looked sheepish. "Did it work?"
Zoe chuckled quietly. "Why else would I be here, Husband?"
Wash closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It felt good to hear her call him that again.
"Wait," he said, opening his eyes. "You didn't give my dinosaurs to River yet, did you?"
Zoe nodded solemnly. "Mmmhm, she decided to do some experiments, seeing how far they could fall before they broke. Got a cargo bay full of heads and arms and legs..."
His eyes widened in horror. Simon returned with a glass of water. "She took very good care of them while you were unconscious."
"That," Wash said. "Was a very cruel thing to lie to a man about, Zoe."
"What can I say?" She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. "Welcome back to Serenity, dear."
-end-
Thank you jebbypal for pointing out a canon error which has since been fixed.