Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Time had a funny way of presenting itself when life is in the brink of shattering, except it doesn't really shatter. What it does is that it chips bit by bit. Little by little. You don't even notice those little shards falling one by one. It makes a tiny hole, and that tiny hole widens as time passes by. Now suddenly you are left with a massive ditch.
It seems like nothing is wrong. But when you try to move on, life makes things even harder and you're left thinking "Why me?"
When you pick up those little shards, it cuts you and you hurt. You try again and it nicks you, again. And because you're constantly picking up every little piece, you end up hurting yourself more than you initially started.
Happy.. I haven't felt that feeling in a while now.
But now, Bo had given up. She didn't call, she didn't look. She didn't want to hear anything. She lost two important people in her life, Kenzi.. and now her.
She kept her resolve firm for too long, and at this moment she thoroughly prayed for the gods above to combust her into flames already, instead of constantly feeling this incessant gnawing at the pit of her stomach for the past two years. It's making her feel ill. It's making her feel miserable. It's probably the only thing that's making herself sure that she's not completely dead.
She had seen the snow fall, melt, turn into a puddle then back into an icy and stiff mess again. She had seen the bitter, strong winds of January plummet the leaves, the branches of the trees left barren and broken, just like her heart.
The second harsh winter passed by and, as if nature's way of saying payback, the spring season melts the snow quick. Getting rid of the remnants of whatever was caused by the winter. Blooming the flowers and budding the trees. It welcomed the long days, mild sunshine ..new beginnings.
She would close her blinds, lock her door and isolate herself during these times, curling up on her bed alone in the darkness. It was like she was on hibernation, and the only way for her to survive is in the winter. The season deepens her depression. You could say she was a masochist to an extent. It was her only way of punishing herself for what she did, or rather, what she did not do.
It was her only way of saying I'm sacrificing shit because what I did was wrong. Every time she did anything remotely close to fun, she would immediately feel gloomy afterwards and she'd sink into her bouts of depression. The queen of the party was now the pooper.
Winter nights: this was the only way in which she could sleep albeit without peace. It helps her forget her worries even just for a while. Would you believe a succubus hasn't slept well in the past year and a half?
What she found really interesting though, is that now she's alone and vulnerable, nobody ever came to attack her. No Morrigan, No fighting over sides: Light or Dark. Nobody came for her. What type of sick joke is the world playing on me?
Now, if an insider were placed in the fissures of her brain, she'd certainly be labelled mentally deranged. She thought this funny. Well, because by the time that they do, they'd probably fall into the abyss I so graciously dug up all this time.
Of course, she never expressed this openly. The hurt that had been clawing her on the inside had slowly eaten it's way out of her, piece by piece until nothing was left. She can't feel anymore, unless provoked with the memory of a certain woman. A woman with long, soft blonde hair and owned the lightest color of eyes, with a hint of green. On the contrary, many would associate this color with frigidness, coldness. Indifference even. But whenever they looked at each other.. it always warmed her in the best way possible. It was hard to explain. It's different when you're biased, still in love and hurting.
Day by day, she managed to keep the pent up shit all to herself.
She tries to be inconspicuous. Nervous laughter followed by a snarky remark. Occasionally throwing humorless jokes and replies in empty comebacks. Lame excuses as to why she can't get out of her apartment when invited out by Dyson or Lauren or Trick at the Dal.
I'm not like this. Being away from Tamsin even made me develop her rude and distant disposition. Or maybe this is me. A me I haven't discovered. We can call this coming-of-age. I am exhausted.
She was always hungry, succubus-hungry. Often she'd use Lauren, or Dyson. The guilt digs deeper and deeper but there's nothing she can do. She'd rather have sex with the ones she's already familiar with so that it's quicker to finish. Nothing more, just using them for their chi. She can't wander around and use other humans. She can't risk going outside in the Fae world without any care of what will happen to her. If Tamsin was existing somewhere, she'd sure want her alive still...right?
The thought of sucking Lauren dry was almost okay for Bo. She doesn't care anymore. She tries to be tactful but she can't. What made her build this inapprehensible hatred for the doctor, she doesn't know. What she knows for sure, is that the doctor held a very costly role as to why things ended the way they are now. That's how easy she detaches herself from people. When Tamsin left Bo, it changed her.
I can always be overpowered by sex Tamsin. I wish I was strong enough to resist so you didn't have to… see.
I wish I was strong enough to let you know that my feelings were real but I was dazed temporarily by a mere hook-up.
Fuck, why did I do this to you baby?
I'd change for you Tamsin. Day by day, I think I do. It hurts so fucking bad. I wish you could see my progress, however bereft it may look on the outside.
Everyone thought of it differently, but understood and brushed it off like she acted like this all the time. Long gone was the soft spoken, reasoning, well-tempered succubus.
Every word spoken was a burden.
Every laugh burns her at the back of her throat and she wonders: How on earth can I put up an act like this? The mere act of laughing makes me feel so guilty, I don't deserve to be happy. Not even fake-happy.
Every sentence formed is a task almost strenuous, but she talked for the sake of blending in and avoiding the obvious and insensible questions like
"Are you okay?"
"Are you hurt?"
"Do you need my company tonight?"
She had brought home someone from the Dal tonight. A very unusual move. A beautiful brunette like herself, she lured her into her premises for the sake of the feed. Her beast was unleashed, and for the time-being, she wasn't herself. This elicited an arousal to the extremes to her one time lover. Bo hadn't even bothered to ask her name.
After the deed was done and the sound of the moans and bliss slowly died down, the girl asked if she could call her later. All Bo could muster is a hint of a smile and a soft shake of her head from side to side. The girl appears to be taken aback but recovers quickly, swiftly nods her head in understanding. "Thank you for your time." She dresses up quickly, hugs Bo and leaves.
Bo closes the door, turns around and her mouth slowly shapes into that of a frown. Etched on her face until the next morning in which she had to pretend yet again.
She lies back down on the bed, half-naked, body front-up with both her hands covering her face.
How could I do this? She thought as she tried not to cry. She asked herself again and she stifles a whimper, her chest hurting as she did so. She closed her eyes tightly as she began to fall apart. Crying every single night of the week? She chokes on her own sob and upon hearing herself, she finally caved in and let her tears spill freely.
She didn't mind. She was trapped in her own head. She would cry for Tamsin every single day for the rest of her life if that enough served as payment for her debts. What can mere tears do?
A bit relieved from her crying and with her chest heaving in and out slowly, she wonders when she will be free from this emotional turmoil she caused upon herself. I don't think anyone else can make me feel better. No one else but her.
As the beautiful face of Tamsin flashed between her tear-filled eyes, she let out a broken wail. Where are you? She pleaded to her heart, clutching it like she was clutching the handrails of a train abruptly stopping. She then proceeded to shout within her soul, even louder. Where are you?! I'm hurting so much! Please Tamsin.. please..
Exhausted from her internal struggle, she closes her eyes and prays for a dreamless night.
I'd like to think I'm perfect for you now.
Please come back to me.
A/N:
I'm probably not going to continue this as I was very nervous writing it oh my gahhh
Also because of the fact that I am a schooling gal, and it's 1:55am and I've been writing this for about 3 hours now.
I just can't get over 5x07! So this is me channeling my angriness into words heh heh please comment, review since it's my first one! THANK YOU FOR READING!
EDIT: I am continuing this story. Details on the next chapter :D