Summary: All it takes is the latest issue of Cosmo to make Matt wish he'd never gotten out of bed...

Warnings: Some language, double entendres abound, and alcohol was involved in the original conception of this piece. Not entirely MCU compliant, and Karen is in the know.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned within, and I put them back once I was finished.

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Bragging Rights

Matt could hear the laughter long before he reached the office and it just increased as he made his way up the narrow stairwell. In his mind, he could picture Karen and Foggy huddled together at her desk, hunched over and looking at something while whispering and snickering and giggling with each other. That giggling came to an end when he turned the door knob, only to be replaced by frantic hissing from both parties along the lines of "He's here—shhh!—shuddupshuddupshuddup—no, you shut up!"

"Matt!" Foggy cried brightly, doing a terrible job of hiding the laughter in his voice. "How you doing this morning?"

Pursing his mouth, "Not as well as you two, apparently," Matt adjusted his glasses. "Do I want to know what was so funny?" He paused and gave a few discreet sniffs, "Are you… Are you reading Cosmo…?"

"How—?"

He sat on the edge of Karen's desk and tapped the magazine. "All the perfume inserts and the glue they use. Did they put some really interesting sex tips in there this time?"

"Not quite…Karen, you tell 'im."

Karen squeaked when Foggy poked her. "Me? You're the one who bought it!" Another squeak slipped out of her. "Fine. Foggy spotted that Cosmo has a new reader poll and he just had to buy a copy…" Matt could hear how her smile increased with every word.

"I'm almost afraid to ask…"

"'Cosmo's First Annual NYC's Sexiest Superheroes!'" A normal blind man could picture the broad shit-eating grin on Foggy's face. "And guess who's in it?!"

"Oh no…"

"Oh yes! They got pictures and everything—yours aren't as good as Stark's, so maybe you can go in and pose for them next year…"

Karen ignored the exasperated noise that escaped Matt and tossed her two cents in. "Oh, we could do the photo shoot ourselves! But it would have to be in your first outfit, Matt."

"The urban ninja outfit? Really?"

Karen's vigorous nod towards Foggy was easy to pick up on. "Trust me…"

"Well…ok…I'll trust your opinion on what ladies find hot. I guess I can start scouting for locations…"

"I really don't think this is nec—"

"Shut up, Matt! Karen and I are just looking out for your wellbeing, and we're gonna be damn sure you get bragging rights next year!"

"And what makes you think I won't get them this year…?" sighed Matt.

"You've got some pretty good competition here, Matt…" Karen's fingers slid across the glossy pages as she flipped through them. "They have your friend Clint in here…who is 'sure to hit ALL the right spots…'"

"…What?"

"Tagline, buddy. They came up with taglines for everybody." A light scraping noise accompanied Foggy dragging the magazine in front of him. "Let's see… 'Black Panther: We would like to make this big cat purr…' I can't believe I just said that." He flipped a few pages. "'Thor: We wouldn't mind if he dropped the hammer on us.' Oh my god." Another page. "'Quicksilver: Let's hope there are a few things he does slow…' Really?" He flipped back a number of pages. "'Spiderman: Wonder what kind of swinger he really is?' What kind of deprived soul comes up with these things?" Foggy hummed to himself as he flipped through a few more pages, "Now where is it…? Ah, here it is! Daredevil… Wanna know what it says?"

Matt removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Not really…" He didn't know why he even bothered to say "no"—he'd lost this battle the moment he got out of bed.

Karen's phone buzzing prevented Foggy from answering and the blonde immediately checked her text. "That was Claire. She says 'yes' and that she voted for you."

Matt's brow furrowed. "Yes? Yes what?"

Foggy snickered. "'Daredevil: We know he's a devil in the streets, but is he a devil in the sheets?'"

"Oh my god…" Matt's face fell into his hand as Foggy's laughter filled the office.

Leaning across the desk, Karen patted Matt's knee. "Don't worry—I'll vote you." She was laughing too.

"Pft!" Foggy snorted. "That's because you're biased!"

"Well…yeah! He does sign my paychecks!"

Matt groaned and pushed himself off Karen's desk. "I'm not listening to this anymore," he muttered as he headed into his office.

"Hey, Matt!" Foggy called after him. "Would you get mad if I voted for Captain America?"

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A/N: I AM THAT DEPRIVED SOUL! Apologies for this piece of crack, but I blame the liquor, and the desire to make Matt into a butt monkey. Never mind he deserves all the grief he gets from Foggy and Karen... And since he more or less owns the rights to all the Spiderman pictures, I can see Peter, after Cosmo contacts him, heading out and taking some sex-ay pictures of himself (and probably getting caught in the process). I can't take credit for DD's tagline, but it was too good to pass over-its a tag from someone I follow over on Tumblr but I can't remember who! I did have a couple more hero taglines, but I felt I had enough in that block of text, but here they are:

Winter Soldier—Bet this soldier could keep your bed warm all winter long (Not my idea-a friend came up with it)

Captain America—He'll make you stand up and salute (Ehhhhhh...I could probably come up with something better...)

My perverted little mind could honestly not come up with one for Tony or Sam Wilson, and I was brain farting on coming up with any other heroes, but if any of you gentle readers have any other ideas, I wouldn't mind seeing them in the reviews... (hinthint) Thanks for reading!