enjoy this series i started on my tumblr in may and just finished!
prologue.
Intimacy doesn't mean sex. According to the dictionary it means a close familiarity or friendship; closeness. It means a private cozy atmosphere. It means an intimate act, but it doesn't have to mean sex. They're actions that show your affections for those close to your heart.
It's in these actions that Lily fell in love, she fell in love with friendships, some of them that weren't worth it, that would cause a piece of her heart to break despite everything that they had done (but she would always heal like broken hearts always do).
Some of them she would value until her death because they taught her what it meant to be loved without being placed on a pedestal, being loved without fear. That was the love she held in April and Sirius and Remus (and even Peter before his betrayal). They taught her what it meant to not have to seem perfect in order to be loved and respected. She didn't have to give reasons for her feelings, and she would forever be grateful for them.
Some of these friendships would blossom into more, a love so great that the universe felt inclined to draw them back to each other, over and over again (because at times it seemed like it was never meant to be) until the inevitable could no longer be avoided and that's what he was. James Potter was her great love and would be so for all eternity, and she his. He taught her what it meant to not settle for any one, to be given every single emotion that she gave out. She would never regret that, never regret him or Harry and the bond she formed with both her boys.
She'd never regret these acts of intimacy that she committed throughout her life. Forged in love and endurance.
i. of napping, a realisation.
'What are you doing,' Lily mumbled in confusion, turning in bed to face him with half-opened eyes before dropping her head to rest against his chest, his lips brushing the crown of her head softly.
'I was playing with your hair,' he murmured into it, the smile evident in the movement of his lips. 'It's a mess, Cariad.'
'You're one to talk,' she laughed, the sound softened by the feeling of her mouth against his skin; the vibration of it causing a shiver to go down his back. Gazing at her adoringly, he repositioned the fingers of his left hand into her hair in an attempt to untangle the unruly curls. She let out a content sigh before whispering, 'James?'
'Yeah?' His voice came out both sleepily and in awe, the tone that had only ever been reserved for Lily; his other hand pressing her even closer against him, settling on tracing up and down her spine leisurely.
Slightly lifting her head up off his chest, her eyes blinked slowly before rapidly closing as a small yawn escaped her. The action causing the ever-present butterflies in his stomach to flutter against every fibre of his being. 'I love you,' she uttered mid-yawn before snuggling into him.
He shifted the hand on her back to her right hip, giving it a gentle squeeze before breathlessly uttering,'Yeah?'
She sent him a smile that had he been standing would have had him falling face first but, because he wasn't, simply left him falling deeper in love with her. It was the kind of smile you would do anything to be on the receiving end of and left him even more convinced of the absolute control she had over him, the control he trusted her to never abuse.
Lily replied softly with a 'Yeah,' before drifting off to sleep shortly after; the fragment of the earth-shattering smile remaining on her face. It hadn't been the first time the couple had said, 'I love you,' but the effect those words had on him never ceased to amaze him. He decided then that he would go to the jewellers in the morning. His lovely girlfriend deserved everything he could give her and more, but he supposed he could start with a ring. Fondly placing another kiss on her head, he joined her in her nap, excited for a time when he will be able to wake up next to her for the rest of his life–even if she did hog the blankets.
ii. of the past part one, a misunderstanding?
A feeling of rejection overcame her as she remained alone while leant against the wall opposite Gryffindor Tower, shifting her weight from her left leg onto her right out of irritation. He was late, she sighed sadly, beginning to run her fingers through her hair only to stop mid-way with a small frown appearing on her face. He had never before been late when it came to her. Yet he was now, causing her heart to feel close to shattering at the thought of why he hadn't shown. She had come to the conclusion that he was interested, had been driven into believing so through his teasing words and wanton smiles, through rare blushes and careful touches. She didn't want to think she had misread the signals especially with Sirius' encouragement on the matter, yet James was nowhere in sight. She wasn't upset because she fancied him–at least not entirely, she told herself–but he was supposed to be her friend. So even if the prat was no longer interested in her romantically, the polite thing to do was to actually show up to their date and tell her so instead of this. Letting out an exasperated sigh, she once more shifted her legs, feeling the judgmental eyes of the Fat Lady gazing down at her. Fixing her eyes once more on the watch around her wrist, she gave it a distasteful glance as the seconds hand ticked by. Seconds passing quickly turning into minutes, forcing her to acknowledge that James Fleamont Potter, soon-to-be ex-Head Boy, was exactly one hour, twenty-three minutes and forty-seven seconds late to their date. Forty-eight seconds, forty-nine, fifty.
She dejectedly admitted that he wasn't coming. Having decided a year ago to stop crying over people who, in the end, usually weren't worth the effort, she took a deep breath and stood up straight, blinking away the remnants of any tears that may have been. Taking the less mortifying road, however, wouldn't stop her from daydreaming about hexing the stupid, redhead-seducing prat to Azkaban the next time she saw him. Her anger increased as she witnessed Violet entering the Fat Lady's portrait, whispering hastily as the two of them scrutinised her for what was sure to be the latest gossip in the morning.
Approaching the portrait slowly, she defiantly uttered, 'pukwudgie,' before raising an eyebrow at the look the pair gave her, silently daring them to say a word because while she knew she'd get over the feeling of anger and hurt soon enough, for the moment, it was intensifying. The Fat Lady opened her mouth for a moment, prepared to make a comment before wisely deciding to satisfy herself with releasing a short, disapproving sound from her mouth.
'Hey, Evans, what are you–' Sirius called from his place on the sofa where he sat with Peter and Remus. His back was slumped against the seat, his feet casually thrown up on the coffee table in a fashion only Sirius could pull off that emphasised his natural beauty without causing him to appear sluggish. Marching up to him, she let her eyes peer into his, radiating her anger through their vibrance. Her next words caused a shiver to run through him, 'I'm going to kill him.'
'I–' He sat up straight, turning his attention to the other two. His eyes reluctantly pleading with them as he watched the look of fear that appeared on their faces that surely matched the one on his own. Peter and Remus avoided their gazes, especially that of Lily's who looked on the verge of feeding them to the giant squid as a snack . Bloody cowards, he thought–although Sirius supposed if anyone could make three men fear for their lives it was Lily Evans.
'James better have a good explanation,' he mumbled irritably to himself before standing up and hesitantly wrapping his arms around her.
'Get off,' she protested half-heartedly despite the fact that she had already begun resting her head on his chest.
'If James really did stand you up, I'll personally bring him to you for a serious hexing. Except I should probably ask you on behalf of his parents that you don't murder him, love.' He pet her head awkwardly, not quite sure how to handle a distraught person. 'Although,' he added as an afterthought, a devious smirk adorning his face, 'Mia is very understanding; she'd probably let you murder him if you explain the situation.' He paused for a moment as she let out a small laugh. 'Or do it herself. Quite efficiently,' he added. Pulling away slightly, he tugged on a strand of her hair affectionately, aiming a grin at her. 'Deal?' he asked.
'Deal,' she agreed with the first hint of a smile.
iii. of the past part two, a date
'Evans,' she heard a voice scream from the common room for the third time. A voice that would have usually had her smiling and blushing. Presently, however, it caused Lily to have the temper of a Peruvian Vipertooth–the smallest known dragon to wizarding kind who, like Lily, could no doubt cause one to cease to exist with little to no effort on their part.
As another scream echoed from below–courtesy of the idiotic Head Boy with an apparent death wish–she grabbed her wand from the bed, ready to hex the prat for his lack of consideration if the occasion presented itself. She supposed that if she really wanted to get back at him all she would have to do is steal his glasses and watch as he attempted to fly on his broom without them. Unfortunately–or fortunately if she had been in a better mood–she would have to catch a glimpse of those pretty hazel eyes if she planned on seeing this action through. And frankly, prats who stood up their dates did not deserve to have beautiful eyes; it was the law of the universe.
April gave her a sympathetic look before asking, 'Are you going to talk to him?' Lily's only response was a shake of her head before lying down on her bed. 'I'm sure he didn't mean to stand you up. He looked like he just won the Quidditch World Cup when I saw him this morning.'
'Then he should have shown up.' Lily mumbled mulishly, shooting her friend a glare that didn't quite have the same effect it would have had on most people. 'If Potter,' she spat the name with as much content as she could manage, 'had wanted to talk with me the courteous thing would have been to show up.' Although she tried to hide how hurt she was by his actions through angry words, her feelings remained visible.
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes at Lily's petulant behaviour she said instead, 'James isn't Severus.' Lily bit the inside of her cheek at this statement but remained silent. 'He wouldn't just ditch you for no reason. You know that, you know him. You're just scared that maybe you'll make a mistake by trusting him. That's why you waited so long before asking him out despite the fact that you've fancied him since last year. You're scared, and, as your best friend, I'm telling you this for your own good, Lily. Stop trying to find a reason to ruin any chance of a relationship you might have with James just because Severus turned out to be a complete arsehole who never stopped letting you down.'
'I'm not,' she pouted, crossing her arms. Her eyes narrowed at the other girl briefly in defiance before she took a deep breath and stood up. Although, she tried to conceal her smile, April made no attempt in hiding her innocent humming of 'Here Comes the Bride.'
Once more shifting her attention to focus on the blonde, she firmly stated that it was her own desire to go talk to the handsome prat (perhaps not in those exact words) and not the result of her friend's insinuation that Lily had unresolved issues involving backstabbing bigots.
'I just don't want him to injure himself doing something careless and get blamed if Gryffindor loses the first match of the season,' she said adamantly.
'Whatever you say,' April laughed. Before marching off, Lily heard her friend's smug proclamation that said event wasn't until November.
On her way down to the common room, she caught sight of the boy in question sitting at the foot of the staircase. He was glaring at it as if it were responsible for all his troubles.
'What do you want, Potter?' She saw him flinch at the manner in which she pronounced his surname as if it were acid. Nevertheless, he stood up and faced her. As she watched him, she noticed how he held onto the left side of his abdomen with a look of pain on his face before quickly dropping his hand when he caught her gaze fixated on him. 'Are you–' she began asking as he said, 'Lil, I–'
'Erm, you can go first,' she said as she brushed aside a strand of her hair.
His voice came out alarmed as he continued with his sentence, 'I got mugged,' The look on his face one of a deer caught in headlights.
She stared back at him with a look of bewilderment on her face. She opened her mouth before quickly closing it; not quite sure what to say to that. Instead, she raised an eyebrow and waited for him to elaborate.
'I panicked,' he admitted. The worry in his voice evident. 'I didn't get mugged. Although, Sirius did say it would be better if I said I was.' He laughed nervously before adding, 'He's under the impression that you want to murder me.'
'I wouldn't call it an impression considering I told him I would. Perhaps an inevitable event would be more accurate.' Taking a deep breath, she took a step closer to him and asked, 'So what really happened? The James Potter edition, that is.'
He sighed before meeting her gaze. 'I got ambushed by a few Slytherins when I was coming back from the kitchen. They gave me a nasty curse to the stomach and disappeared once they heard the sound of someone coming. It was Dirk Cresswell, you know, one of the Hufflepuff Prefects. He saw my wound and went to find Professor Sprout to help take me to the hospital wing.' Absently, he moved his hand over his middle once more.
He ran his other hand through his hair, pulling at it nervously. His eyes pleading with her before saying wretchedly, 'I never meant to miss our date.' He sent her one of his lopsided smiles, 'I've wanted a date with you since our fourth-year, Evans. So please trust me when I say that had I not been surprised by the Slytherins, I would have shown up.'
She cast her eyes down for a moment, feeling guilty for thinking so poorly of him—all prior thoughts of vicious dragons and hexing forgotten.
'I suppose being attacked is a good reason for missing our date,' she acknowledged softly. 'Even if you weren't actually mugged.'
Her eyes held a mischievous glint in them for a moment that had James speechless. Especially when she placed a hand on his shoulder and tilted her face up to get a better look at him. He was close enough to her to admire the assembled freckles that were gracefully spattered across her face and caused him to become tongue-tied at any given opportunity.
With the same look of mischief still present, she pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth before impishly remarking, 'I suppose you'll have to make it up to me, won't you?' And with a playful wink sent his way, she headed up the stairs.
iv. of the past part three, a kiss.
Lily had a set rule when it came to dating: only kiss a boy after a successful third date. This rule was put in place after an unfortunate first date in fourth-year when one Colin Hunt had pressed his lips against hers abruptly and proceeded to brag to the rest of the fourth-year Ravenclaw boys about how the redheaded Gryffindor had thrown herself at him. Needless to say, someone made sure that Colin Hunt couldn't talk for the next two weeks, and, quite unfortunately, it couldn't be traced back to her. However, the crooked smile she got from James Potter the next day was more than enough to confirm that Lily's mischief hadn't gone unnoticed (a pleasant thrill had gone through her at the acknowledgment of her transgression).
The third date rule, however, seemed silly when it came to James. James who she trusted more than anyone, silly for the boy who caused her to feel so content by his mere presence and who caused her to melt by the sight of his tousled hair or that adorable grin that was usually the result of some act of mischief. It was that grin that usually had Lily on the verge of shoving him into a broom closet and snogging him until his messy hair was beyond redemption. But it's not like she thought about kissing him much. It only occurred to her a few times a days, sometimes provoked by his smile or laugh or his humor. Although, him taking off his robes was also a major contributor; if anything could be blamed for Lily's roaming thoughts, it was Quidditch.
Their first date had been held in Hospital Wing the afternoon after the misunderstanding and was held under the watchful eyes of Madam Pomfrey.
'Five more minutes, Miss Evans,' the patron reminded her for the fifth time since her arrival, eyeing Lily as if she was about to sneak James away under her robes.
Lily laughed as Madam Pomfrey moved to attend to another patient. 'Come back and visit me, Lil?' James mumbled into her neck, nuzzling into it for a short moment that had her stomach feeling a pleasant sensation until he pulled away–leaving her with the lingering thought that she shouldn't be feeling this giddy just yet but it was right, he was right, this was right. It should have scared her, but it didn't.
'Of course.' Her voice came out hoarse as her fingers moved to his cheek, drumming them gently against his skin. She watched his reaction, noticing how he licked his lips in anticipation, his eyes shifting focus between her lips and eyes. She leaned in closer, her lips about to touch his before they were interrupted by a sound of disapproval.
'I think it's time you let my patient rest, Miss Evans.' She let out a regretful sigh and quickly moved towards the door with a goodbye and a wave for James and a quick apology for Madam Pomfrey. In spite of the blush coating her cheeks at getting caught, or almost caught, she couldn't help the hint of bitterness she felt at being interrupted, she had still had a minute after all.
Second dates were much better than first dates, especially when you were far from the watchful eyes of patrons who could interrupt stress-relieving snogging with the person you were attempting to date. But Lily wasn't bitter, today she would be engaging in certain gratification-inducing activities with her fellow Head if all went to plan.
By the end of their second date, everything had seemed to be going how Lily had imagined it. They had gone out for an early morning walk around the lake and led to them having lunch in the kitchens. She had taken his hand in hers as he led her back to the common room, stopping by the girls' staircase.
His mouth twitched upwards as he looked her pushing a strand behind her ear. Her hand moved to his shoulder, her thumb brushing against it in soothing movements. Lily grinned when she saw his eyes fluttering.
'Evans, love,' he moaned softly. She moved her other hand into his hair, pulling on it lightly and bringing him closer to her face.
'I'm going to kiss you,' she told him bluntly. He nodded slowly as she moved in.
She should have known better than to believe that everything could go to plan.
'Hey, Evans,' Sirius yelled as he descended the boys' staircase. The sound of his best friend startled James and caused him to move his face, Lily's lips landed on his cheek as a result. James turned around apologetically, sending her one of those adorable lopsided grins of his that made her want to forget Sirius was there, looking at them with an amused look, and kiss him.
'Did I interrupt anything?' he asked innocently.
'You're a bastard, Black,' she joked. A pretty blush coated her cheeks as she watched James adjusting his glasses. 'I'll see you later, lads.' She hurried up to her dormitory but not before hearing the sound of someone being hit in the head along with the statement, 'Bloody hell, this is animal abuse, Prongs.' She giggled as she fell onto her bed. She supposed snogging the daylights out of him would have to wait for another day.
Three times the charms is a lie. An utter bloody lie that gives one false hopes and cuts dates short because fourth-years can't help but fighting in the corridors–resulting in the Head Students needing to escort them to the Hospital Wing.
She began believing that perhaps the universe believed that they weren't meant to be, leaving them always be on the edge of something that should never be. But Lily wasn't going to let anything stop her from at least attempting to kiss him. Because it would never just be about a kiss, it was about her potential to love him, a love that she knew would be amazing if she was just given the chance, if they were given the chance.
'You're quiet tonight, Cariad,' he said as they patrolled the dark corridor. His hand had taken hers in his, bumping them against his leg every so often, almost like he needed to touch her to know that this was real, that they were real.
'I think the universe or Merlin himself has something against us.' She leant her head against his arm briefly.
'Oh,' he responded in surprise before adding in with a brief chuckle, 'Do you think it was something I said?'
She shoved him lightly, sending a small smile his way. 'Don't be a prat, I'm being serious.'
His lips twitched. 'I'm not really scared about what the universe, or Merlin, thinks, Lil. I'll court you for the rest of my life, and I'll fight anyone who tries to keep you from me. I promise.'
'You think you can take on the universe, Potter?'
His eyes held the mischievous glint she adored before taking his hand out of hers, cupping her face instead, waiting for her to close the gap between them. And standing on the tip of her toes, she did. Wrapping one arm around his neck and using her other hand to feel one of his forearms, they told off the universe, Merlin, the bigoted arseholes, and anyone else wanted to stand between them because they could they would fight it off together.
It didn't matter that ten minutes later Professor McGonagall found them in a compromising position with Lily's legs wrapped around James' waist and his hands tangled in her red locks, keeping her mouth close to his. It didn't matter that they had received three hours of detention each, not when the universe had managed to miss James muttering, 'Go out with me, Evans,' into her neck, and Lily's response of 'Yes,' grasping onto his hair once more before reattaching her mouth to his.
It was too late.
v. of interludes, a friendship
If there was one person Sirius loved as much as he loved James Potter, it was Lily Evans.
He supposed some people wouldn't be able to comprehend his feelings for her. Rumors had begun going around Hogwarts recently that not only was Lily Evans dating James Potter but also Sirius himself. It was ridiculous for anyone close to the redhead, anyone could see how in love she was with James, how in love they were with each other. It was idiotic that anyone would believe Lily would cheat on James, offensive that anyone thought Sirius would make a move on his best friend's, on his brother's girlfriend. It was complete shite.
He supposed the only truth to the rumours was that he loved her, that he was in love with her but it was a platonic, unconditional love that mirrored the one he felt for James. They were his family, better really. You can't choose who you have for family, but, if he could, he would have chosen them.
His day had begun fine enough, he had had breakfast with the boys and Lily and her friend, April Eliot. It had gone fine and Sirius, Remus, and Peter had left James with Lily to properly say goodbye before they went back to the dorm to plan the next full moon. What wasn't fine was running into Regulus hours later with his idiot friends. What wasn't fine was the way his brother had touched his arm left arm as if it burned. Sirius wouldn't have admitted it to anyone but Lily and James, but he had feared that this was coming. He wished he could say it was a shock when he pulled up Regulus' sleeve and saw his mark, but it wasn't. It didn't stop the guilt that overcame him, and it didn't stop Sirius from turning his wand on his brother, the one he was given by some force of nature. It didn't stop him from placing his wand in his robes instead and fighting him the Muggle way as Regulus' two sidekicks watched like cowards, too afraid of the eldest Black, or perhaps too stupid to realise they had wands. It didn't stop him from reprehending him for being a fucking idiot, a bigot who would join a group that wanted those that Sirius loved the most killed, people like Lily and Remus and Peter.
He was pissed. Maybe not entirely at Regulus.
He didn't regret it though, not really. Not when McGonagall sat them in her office and gave them a lecture and a week worth of detention. Not when he looked down and saw the blood of his brother on his knuckles. He didn't care as the portraits gave him scandalised looks and whispered to one another as he made his way back to Gryffindor Tower. He just couldn't bother caring. All he wanted was to go back to the dorm and rant to three of his best friends about his idiotic brother who did everything he could to make their parents proud, it sickened him. But of course, they weren't there because the universe was determined to screw him over. He was sure Merlin was laughing at him right now.
Marching back down to the common room he was met with the only other person whose presence wouldn't cause him to go into any violent tendencies.
'Evans, upstairs?' He asked as he approached her sitting on the sofa with Eliot. Ignoring the other girl as she wiggled her eyebrows playfully at the redhead before she packed up her things to leave.
'I'll see you later, Lily,' she yelled over her shoulder, leaving the other two alone.
'All right, Sirius?' Lily asked as she too stood up, her eyebrows knitting together as placed her bag on her shoulder. 'What's wrong?' Her hand took his in hers, giving it a brief squeeze as he led her to the boys' dorm room.
'I need to vent, and the boys weren't in our dorm.'
Lily rolled her eyes, 'It's good to know that I'm second best.' He shrugged his shoulders knowing her enough to realise when she was actually offended by something and when she simply wanted to amplify something for her amusement.
'Don't be dramatic, Evans,' he stated casually.
'Don't be a hypocrite,' she laughed not unkindly. Making her way into the room, she headed for James' bed that she always insisted had better pillows than her own. Although, Sirius thought that was just an excuse to stay in James' bed most nights. 'You go to James' Quidditch practises just to boo him.'
Sirius sent her a small smile as he sat down next to her. 'And you help me do it,' he said, bumping his shoulder into hers.
Lily sighed as she lied down, Sirius following suit. 'What happened?'
Sirius ran a hand through his hair absently, causing a small grin to form on her face at the accidental imitation of her lovely boyfriend.
'You remember me talking about Regulus a while back?' His eyes closed. Not waiting for a response, he continued, 'He's a Death Eater. He has the mark.'
She didn't say anything, knowing all too well the feeling of having someone you care about disappoint you. The feeling of hatred for them, followed by the feeling of self-hatred and guilt for not saving them.
'It's not your fault, you know.' She moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around him.
'I know,' he mumbled into her hair. 'I just wish I could have protected him.'
'I know.' They were silent for a bit before Sirius spoke up again, 'Hey, Evans?'
'Yeah?' She whispered, a yawn escaping her in between the word.
'Just so you know, I'm platonically in love with you.'
Lily giggled, as she sat up. 'Couldn't you just tell me you love me like a normal person, you tosser?'
Sirius scoffed, 'I'm exceptional, thank you very much.'
'An exceptional tosser maybe.' He laughed, flicking her behind the ear. 'Hey, Black?'
'Yes?'
'I suppose I'm platonically in love with you too.' She pressed a kiss to his forehead that reminded Sirius of the way Mrs Potter would do whenever he had visited the manor. Lily pulled away as the door opened and closed.
'Ah,' an amused voice said. 'So the rumours are true,' James said, placing a hand over his chest dramatically and dropping his broom against his bed.
'Oh, shut it, you prat,' Lily said as she got up to greet her boyfriend with a hug, moving away from him slightly to adjusts his glasses.
He chuckled before placing a kiss on her nose in thanks. 'Everyone downstairs was giving me sympathetic looks when I said I was looking for you.' He pushed a strand of her hair back, keeping his fingers tangled in her red curls. 'Apparently,' his eyes moved to Sirius' playfully, 'someone demanded for my girlfriend to come upstairs with him. What a scandal!' He placed his forehead against hers. 'Because how dare my girlfriend go anywhere when I'm not around, especially with another male.'
'It doesn't bother you that people think I'm shagging Sirius?'
'Nah, it's silly.' He pulled her in closer, 'And I know you love me.'
Lily giggled. 'I don't know I think you might have some competition.' She teased, moving her mouth to James' shoulder, her hand moving into his hair. 'Sirius declared he was platonically in love with me.'
Another laugh, 'I suppose that's not surprising.'
Lily giggled as Sirius threw a pillow at James. Kissing her boyfriend's temple as he pouted at his best friend's abuse.
It was ridiculous that anyone could mistake her love for Sirius to be more than of platonic nature, but that didn't make it mean any less. She would die for him just as she would for James, because James was her soulmate (she was sure of it) and Sirius she supposed could only be described as her platonic soulmate–one she had chosen to love. Both amazing and both worth loving until her final moments.
vi. of human decency, a rant.
'What are you thinking about?' Lily asked him, letting her fingers brush the knuckles on his hand lightly as they made their rounds around the castle. He grasped her hand carefully, intertwining their fingers together, smiling briefly as he did so.
He gave her hand a small squeeze before saying, 'I heard that you got into a fight with the Slytherins today.' It wasn't accusing, it was exhausting. He was tired, tired of them and their prejudices. 'I was worried,' he admitted.
'I'm sorry.' And she was but not for the fight.
'Don't apologize.' He sighed knowing that her sorrow lied in his own emotions. 'I hate them, Lil, so much. How messed up do you have to be to want someone dead because they weren't "fortunate" enough to be born with the "right" blood running through their veins? To be so offended by the thought of someone marrying someone of a different blood status?' He let out a derisive snort. 'Idiots, the lot of them. They'd rather have their daughters and sons end up with literal arses than be happy with someone they love because they have these preconceived idea that blood means something, that being a pureblood makes you superior. Blood is shite, it's just an idea meant to further oppress a group through when all it is is chance.' He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and saying, 'Whatever happened to being a decent human being and not caring about someone's blood but whether they were decent people? No one should have to settle for anything less.'
She pulled on his hand, stopping them in their tracks. 'James?'
'Yeah?'
'Did you just rant to me about the blood supremacy system?'
'Yeah.'
She laughed for a moment, tears in her eyes. 'I love you, I hope you know that.'
He let go of the hand she was still holding, placing them instead on both sides of her face and leaning his forehead against hers. 'Never settle for anything or anyone less than you deserve, Lil. I won't even mind it much if you break my heart while doing it. You deserve everything, everything.' He sounded as if he were in pain.
It broke her heart for a moment as she saw the hint of tears in his eyes, she knew he meant it. Knew that he would step aside without another word if he though she would be happier without him.
So she pressed her lips to his instead, putting in every intense feeling she has ever felt for him into this one kiss. She soon tore away, moving her lips to his cheek before whispering into his ear, 'This isn't settling, this could never be settling.' The tears finally fell.
vii. of rings, an engagement?
He had no idea what he was doing if he was being honest, he just knew that he had been compelled to pass the shop ever since he had spotted it in November during another full moon adventure. The store had been closed but the gorgeous rings had still caught his attention, drawing him in. It had scared him that he had been so drawn to them when he had only been dating Lily for two months at the time, so he had pushed it to the back of his mind.
But now he was back, having given his girlfriend and best mates the excuse of having promised Professor McGonagall that he would tutor a first-year in Transfigurations. Lily had given him a big grin that made him his stomach flutter, he had leant down and placed a kiss on her cheek, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
'Don't let Sirius get you in trouble while I'm gone,' he teased.
He heard Sirius snort as Lily laughed. 'I think you should be more worried of her getting us into trouble, Prongs.'
He looked into Lily's eyes and couldn't help but agree because if Sirius was right about anything it was that Lily Evans was trouble, and he wouldn't change it for anything in the world. He was drawn to Lily Evans just as he had always been drawn to trouble, because they made him feel not alive but to feel as if they were more than life, it was an inexplicable sensation that he hoped to never stop feeling.
So here he was, walking into a shop like he had any idea about what he was doing, but James had always known what he wanted, and what he should have known in November is that she was it. Of course she was it because no one else could drive him to the brink of insanity with a single look, she was vivacious and kind and the love of his life. At fifteen, he had realised that she would be his undoing and it had terrified him more than anything ever had, a first considering he had a werewolf as a best friend who he roamed around with at least once a month; at eighteen, he knew and welcomed it because the most terrifying things are often the most amazing.
The man at the front looked up at James as he let the door close behind him. His eyes shone with a knowing glint as he looked up at James, 'I was wondering when you'd come in.'
'I'm here for a ring?' he asked instead of said.
The man chuckled, 'You've come to the right place then, best rings in all of Hogsmeade.' The man gave him a sympathetic look at the lost expression on James' face. 'Who's the lucky girl?'
A smile of complete adoration made itself onto James' face. 'Her name's Lily.' His voice was in awe as he added, 'My girlfriend.' He still couldn't believe it sometimes, she had chosen him. She loved him. 'She's everything,' he sighed. Everything didn't seem like enough to describe her.
He walked around the tiny shop for a moment before spotting one that spoke to him the same way the shop had. 'Can I see this one?' He asked, pointing at the ring with a diamond stone surrounded by two emerald ones. The man handed it over. It was made of goblin gold and gorgeous, and all James could think about when he saw it was the moment when she might let him slide it onto her finger, the moment when she would allow him the pleasure of calling himself her fiancé, her husband.
He looked up at the man and nodded. 'I'll take it,' he said, his fingers tightening on the ring that was still in his hand.
The man chuckled as he noticed the gesture. 'Do you want it engraved?' The man questioned.
James nodded, slowly opening up his palm that held the ring as if scared that it would disappear. 'Until the very end,' he said slowly before the smile took over his face.
viii. of nerves, a question.
He chuckled as she once more switched positions in his bed, accidentally shoving him this time. 'l'll leave if you want, Cariad,' he said placing a kiss on the top of her head.
'No, you're warm,' she moaned softly, pressing her lips against his neck as he made to get up. He resisted the small moan that wanted to escape his lips. He didn't think he could afford to let her know how much those tiny actions affected him, how much of him she had control of. He trusted her to never break that part of him though, so perhaps it was more for his pride than anything else.
His hand stroked her curls gently, 'We have to get up soon, you know?' He watched her as she closed her eyes, observing the freckles on her face that he had to resist kissing while in public in order to be "professional" about their duties. He didn't resist doing so now. 'We have the prefects meeting in an hour,' he mumbled onto her skin.
She looked up to glare at him but the blush on her cheeks didn't leave much room to be terrified. 'Stop ruining the mood, Potter.' Her eyes held a glint to them as she repositioned her head on his chest. 'I'm trying to enjoy myself.'
Those words made him speechless for a moment. He coughed before saying in a semi-hoarse tone, 'And did you enjoy yourself?' He wiggled his eyebrows teasingly before placing a kiss on her nose. Her cheeks reddened once more, before making a request for James to "shut it." He laughed and began playing with the shirt she wore (his shirt), moving it to the side so he could feel the skin underneath, his fingers playfully dancing across it in the way that caused her to shiver.
'James,' she said in faux exasperation, a hint of a smile present on her face. He placed another kiss on her neck before pulling away.
He grinned his lopsided grin at her, the smile that was only ever for Lily (and occasionally Professor McGonagall). The dimpled grin that Lily had to resist the urge to kiss when they had been friends. Really, it was quite a beautiful dimple, she thought as she let one of her fingers touch it tentatively.
'What are you doing,' he asked in awe. He was looking at her with warm eyes that could have melted her right there, eyes that felt as if they could move the entire universe if he asked. She couldn't believe that she had ever thought those eyes were brown. They weren't brown, they were Lily-Evans-melting hazel eyes that deserved an award for their mischievous glint that usually lied behind them. She adored them, adored him.
'You have a dimple,' she said in a dazed tone. 'Right there,' she poked the spot where the dimple had been moments before. 'I like it.'
James flushed lightly. He was always surprised when she mentioned one of the things she liked about him, not that he should be surprise that Lily (his amazing girlfriend) was saying those things. He was often left with the feeling that it couldn't be real, that he couldn't have gotten this fortunate to have her reciprocate his feelings, but he had. He had gotten lucky enough to have her as his girlfriend, have Lily who told him that she loved his glasses when he would get insecure around her whenever they would occasionally (or not so occasionally) bump into her face while they were kissing. Have Lily who said she loved his messy hair despite having stated otherwise in their youth. Have Lily who loved that he couldn't be still for very long without having to move like a tornado wreaking havoc wherever it went. Most importantly, he was lucky to have Lily who loved him and who he loved in every sense. He knew not everyone could be so lucky.
He couldn't help smiling down at her again, her face lit up. 'See, right here.' She leant up and placed a kiss on it, squealing in surprise as James rolled them over. 'We have an hour, James,' she giggled as he placed kisses down her neck, the hand that wasn't cradling her face was moving down under her shirt.
'Lily, Lily, Lily,' he chanted lightly, making sure she could feel every syllable on her skin. Merlin, he loved her, loved her so much that he didn't think he could handle the mind-consuming feeling of loving her at times.
She wrapped her legs around his waist as he moved his lips back to her mouth. He groaned against her before releasing her and nuzzling into her neck. She stroked his hair softly, carefully causing a smile to make itself onto his face.
'You're a bit mad, aren't you?' Her finger continued their ministrations on his hair, eliciting a soft whimper from him. He wanted to cry because he loved her, because he didn't ever want to love anyone else. She was it, she was everything.
'Marry me,' he whispered.
He hadn't meant to say it, not now. Not in this moment, he had had everything planned for how he would ask. It was going to be perfect. He felt himself flinch, he couldn't dare look up at her and instead chose to hide himself in her neck. He felt very much like a child in the moment, but it was a very beautiful neck to hide his embarrassment in.
'James?' she questioned as she detached herself from him. 'Do you mean it?' Her eyes searched his for an answer. 'Do you want me to marry you?'
He felt like he had just had his voice taken away from him–she had stolen his voice, that was the only explanation for why he couldn't so much as utter a single syllable. If he hadn't been sure she was a Muggle-born, he would have questioned whether she was part-Veela.
He nodded slowly, aware that he currently looked like an utter mess.
'Yes,' she said, tears in the green eyes staring at him. Her face glowing as if she had just won a million galleons before she threw her arms around his neck, kissing his neck, jaw, every surface within her reach. It took him a moment before he was able to process what she had said.
Hesitantly he stopped her kissing, taking her face delicately in between his hands. 'Yes,' he asked as he stroked her cheeks gently, wiping away stray tears.
She sent him the biggest grin he'd ever seen before leaning up and kissing him again. 'Yes, I'll marry you, James Fleamont Potter.'
He felt tears in his own eyes. 'I have a ring for you,' he said softly, leaning his forehead against hers for a moment. Hesitantly rolling off of her, he pulled the box from his bedside table. 'Get dressed, Cariad, I want to do it properly.'
Lily threw her head back and let out a soft, euphoric laugh, 'I already said yes.' Her eyes stared at him incredulously.
He leant down to kiss her, a lovesick smile on his face. 'I know, but I'm not telling our children that I proposed to their mother while we were snogging in bed.' He pressed a kiss to her head before pulling on his robes over his head.
'No one told me I was pregnant,' she teased as she got up. She had just managed to pull on her trousers before James' hand had latched onto hers, barely giving her enough time to put on her shoes and grab her robes from the floor before dragging her down a multitude of stairs and corridors until they were at James' favourite tree. The same tree where she had once rejected him in favour of the Giant Squid, the same one where he had once carved their initials on a piece of bark accompanied with Lily's carving of a heart underneath. It was their tree.
'Lily Evans, cariad,' he began as he got down on one knee. He was shaking slightly. 'I had an entire speech written that is probably shite, and I think I mentioned the colour of your eyes at least twenty times, but all I really want to say is that I love you more than anything, Lil. I want to marry you and have a family with you. I want to grow old and embarrass our children together and tell them all the stories about how I was an idiot who could only hope to capture your heart like you had mine and somehow did. I want to make you as happy as you make me because you're it for me, Evans. There's no going back, I'm yours, and I love you and promise to always be there for you for the rest of our lives. So do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?'
'Yes, you prat,' she said, tears making their way down her face once more. 'And you do make me happy, happier than I have ever been.'
He slid the ring onto her finger, the green stones on the side of the diamond matching the colour of her eyes.
'You're stuck with me now, Evans,' he joked.
She threw herself into his arms again, whispering her love for him into his ear as he held her tightly against him, reveling in his state of exultation, pressing kisses on her skin like he had done in his dorm. It felt surreal that she had just agreed to marry him, but he couldn't be happier than he was now. Things don't always go to plan, but sometimes it's better if they don't, he thought as her lips met his.
They arrived late for the meeting, not that they minded all that much. Their robes were wrinkled, hair tousled, and lips swollen.
'Sorry we're late,' Lily said as they shuffled in, moving her fingers to tie up her red locks. There were whispers as the prefects took note of the beautiful and luxurious ring on her left hand.
James took Lily's hand in his, daring anyone to comment as he began speaking. His eyes softening when he turned it over to Lily who rewarded him with a smile.
He could feel a glare aimed his way, but nothing would ruin this feeling for him. He would be married to Lily by next year, and not even Snape would be able to shatter James' happiness. Snape and the rest of the world could scorn them for all he cared, because they were inconsequential in the midst of his happiness with Lily, the happiness that would carry him through the war.
ix. of before, a forever
He lied on Sirius' bed, fidgeting with the golden snitch he had nicked in his fifth-year. The snitch that he had once used to try to impress his fiancée. He grinned at the memory, he really had been an idiot when it came to her. Still was if he was being honest with himself, but it was a more endearing kind than he had committed in his earlier years.
'Prongs,' Sirius said exhausted as he came back into his room. 'Just go see her.'
'Can't,' he sighed. 'Mum would murder me, she wants to follow all the Muggle traditions that Rose was telling her about, which includes not seeing the bride the night before.' A pout formed on his face. 'I miss her.'
Sirius threw his head back laughing. 'It's been two days, mate.' A look of fake hurt crossed his face as he said, 'You don't complain about missing Wormtail, Moony, or me when you haven't seen us.'
James chuckled. Sirius was the only other person aside from Lily who could make him feel better when he felt like a chaotic mess. 'I can't snog you,' he joked.
Sirius winked at James teasingly, 'No one's stopping you.'
He snorted. 'Careful, Padfoot, I'll be a married man tomorrow.'
'Evans and I have talked about this, she accepts it as long as she can falsely claim to having better hair.'
'She does have better hair,' James said with a lovesick smile on his face. 'Merlin, her hair is gorgeous. And her eyes. And the freckles, have you noticed how cute her freckles are? And also her laugh, I…'
Sirius sat down besides James, snatching the snitch from James' hand. 'I thought I wouldn't have to hear that once you two idiots proclaimed your love for each other.' He laughed lightheartedly. 'Prongs, screw traditions, I did. Just go see her.'
'But Moony and Wormtail are supposed to be here soon.'
'I don't think they'll mind too much, and I can get them plastered on my own.' His eyes held a softness to them that was only ever present with a select few. 'Go see Lily, I'm sure she's dying to see you too.'
'Really?' There was a vulnerability present.
'Really.' He handed James back the snitch, 'Go.'
'Thanks, Padfoot.' He grinned at his best friend and saluted him before apparating outside his home in Wales, walking the distance that placed him right outside his room. He grinned as he saw her outside on the balcony, her back to him.
'All right, Evans?' he shouted knowing that his parents and Mrs Evans would be asleep by now.
She turned around before he could so much as blink. 'James,' she said softly. The sound of his name on her lips almost broke him. 'What are you doing here?'
'I missed you,' he answered truthfully. He gave her a bashful grin, 'C'mere?'
She laughed but a second later she had apparated down to him. 'I missed you too.' She pressed her lips to his briefly before giving him a once over and giggling. 'I like your joggers.'
He looked down at the article of clothing in question that were covered in a pattern of animated deer. James grinned at her, pulling her in for another kiss. 'Sirius thought it would be fun to put a spell on them,' he mumbled on her lips.
She pulled away once more, taking his hand instead. 'Can we go for a walk?'
He nodded. 'Of course, cariad.'
So they walked, speaking of nothing important until they got to what he knew was her favorite spot near the manor. A hill that overlooked a lake. He had shown it to her the summer before their seventh-year. Had almost kissed her had it not been for an impatient Sirius who had gone looking for them.
She liked looking at the stars from here, and he had to agree that they were gorgeous from this spot. But they would never be his first focus when she would always draw his attention from anything else when in the same room.
She lied down on the grass and waited for him to do the same. 'James,' her voice was quiet, 'we're getting married in ten hours.'
'Are you regretting it?' he watched her carefully, looking for any sign to confirm or deny it.
'No,' she laughed. 'Never.'
He let out a sigh of relief. 'All right, what's on your mind then?' He shifted to lying on his side so he could face her, placing a quick kiss to her forehead.
'I'm happy.' Her eyes shifted to his face. 'You make me so happy, and it scary to think that maybe the feeling won't last.' With the war, was unsaid but understood.
'I know the feeling,' there was not much that could be said there, no false assurance that everything would be okay. 'I'm scared too.' He let his fingers move to play with a piece of her hair. 'Terrified, but I'm not going to let anything ruin this feeling. I'm marrying you tomorrow, Lily Evans, I've been dreaming of this since I was fifteen.' He kissed her cheek delicately, 'Nothing else matters to me right now.'
'You would have married me at fifteen?' She teased, shifting to lie on her side as well.
'Of course,' he laughed. 'Sirius even got ordained.'
She let out a beautiful laugh that stole his heart over and over again.
'I love you,' she said proudly, kissing him on the tip of his nose.
'I love you too, Lil.' Another kiss was pressed onto his cheek. Then his neck. Forehead. Jaw. Any piece of skin within her reach.
'Do me a favour, Lily?' he mumbled as her lips touched his.
'Anything,' she said. The intensity of it would have terrified him had his not matched.
He dug into the pocket of his joggers, taking out the golden snitch. 'Use this as your something borrowed? Your mum told me you still needed something, so I thought maybe…you know?' He shrugged self-consciously before ruffling his hair.
Lily looked at him in adoration, carefully taking the snitch from his hand. 'You're letting me borrow your snitch?'
'I only nicked it to impress you,' he confessed. 'I thought it would make me seem cool.'
Lily giggled before kissing him again. 'I thought you were such a dork,' she mumbled onto his lips. 'I wasn't wrong.'
x. of protection, another
It came a week early. A week that would have saved their lives but condemned the wizarding world, perhaps the entire world. Instead, as the universe would have it, Lily Evans went into labour on the morning of July thirty-first, nineteen-eighty, and it wasn't beautiful.
It was painful and nerve-wrecking and involved a lot crying (from Lily, James, and even Sirius who had to leave the room and who would later deny it ever happening and would tease James for crying more than Lily had). It involved a lot of reassurance from James that she could do it, that she would be an amazing mother.
He, meaning James, cried as the healer let him sever the umbilical cord, before she took the baby and cleaned him up. She brought him back minutes later, placing him in Lily's arms. She couldn't stop crying, but James thought she looked like a lovely mess (and he's never loved her more than he did in that moment when he thought that heart could no longer handle so much love but did so anyways).
He approached them slowly. His breath lost as he looked at the two loves of his life, if you didn't include Sirius.
'Does he have a name?' The healer asked, a piece of parchment and quill enchanted to float above her, waiting to inscribe the response.
'Harry James Potter,' Lily managed to get out, looking at the small child in her arms with so much love that it seemed surreal that he hadn't been a tangible being until today.
He watched her, mesmerized by her words. They had said the middle name one night as a joke, he hadn't considered that she actually wanted it, that she would actually be proud to let their child have another part of his name.
He reached her, placing a small kiss on top of her head. 'Hi,' he said softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
She rested her head against him. 'Hi,' she said, her voice sounding content albeit tired.
'I love you,' he told her, placing another kiss on her head. 'And Harry.' He carefully placed his other hand on his son's cheek.
'I love you too.' He smiled as her eyes began to flutter before she drifted off.
By the end of July thirty-first of nineteen-eighty, James had another person that he vowed to protect until the very last moments of his life. And he would go through with that promise fifteen months to the date, no regrets. He would make sure that his family was protected because he loved them and love was the one thing his murderer would never understand.
xi. of mothers, a howler!
The day after James and Lily had gotten engaged, the news had been spread across the school, money exchanged between both school mates (Sirius had made quite a few bets) and Professors (Slughorn seemed quite disappointed for more than one reason as he handed Professor McGonagall a few galleons and a crystallised pineapple to the headmaster, for all knew of his distaste for James Potter and his adoration for Lily Evans). The thing, however, that people would remember for weeks to come wasn't the way the bets or look of disappointment from others but the owls. Or, specifically, a tawny owl that dropped a red envelope in front of one James Fleamont (as they would learn was his middle name) Potter.
Any rational witch or wizard would have had the common sense to look fearful in that moment, but James was never known to be ordinary.
Instead of shying away from it, he let it explode with a grin to his face, his fiancée shaking her head with a small smile present, followed by a small laugh.
'JAMES FLEAMONT POTTER, HOW DARE YOU NOT WRITE US THE MOMENT THAT LILY AGREED TO MARRY YOU? I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND THIS IS THE THANKS YOUR FATHER AND I GET FROM YOU IN OUR OLD AGE!' James chuckled at his mother's dramatic antics much to the Hall's surprise. 'WE HAD TO HEAR IT FROM YOUR BROTHER THAT SHE HAD SAID YES, AND HERE WE WERE WORRIED THAT YOU HAD SCARED THE POOR GIRL OFF!' A small blush coated his cheeks at that and was soon comforted by Lily pressing a kiss to it as his traitor of a brother laughed.
'I can't be scared off that easily, Potter,' she said softly.
'Good to know,' he replied happily.
The howler turned to Sirius next, Fleamont Potter's voice now intervening, 'THANK YOU FOR LETTING US KNOW, SON. WE LOVE YOU, AND PLEASE DON'T TEASE YOUR BROTHER TOO MUCH, EVEN IF HE DOES DESERVE IT FOR KEEPING US IN THE DARK.'
'It's been less than a day,' James whispered to Lily who laughed against him.
As if hearing him, the howler turned back to them, once more in his mother's voice, 'YOUR FATHER AND I ARE SO HAPPY FOR BOTH OF YOU, JAMIE.' It turned to Lily, 'WE LOVE BOTH OF YOU. FLEAMONT WANTS TO OFFICIALLY WELCOME YOU TO THE FAMILY, LILY, AND INVITES YOU TO HELP HIM AND SIRIUS EMBARRASS JAMES IN THE NEAR FUTURE. HE ALSO ASKS THAT YOU PLEASE WRITE. WE'LL SEE ALL OF YOU IN A FEW WEEKS, THAT MEANS YOU TOO, PETER AND REMUS.'
Those in the Great Hall would remember the look of happiness on James Potter's face as Lily Evans had her arms wrapped around him, kissing him lightly on the cheek. In them, they saw a happiness that had been managed despite the war.
There were still those who hated the idea of their marriage, The blood traitor and mudblood. Potter and Evans. James and Lily. But in her, he found his happiness and in him, she found hers.