I woke up with a start. The nightmare was still fresh in my brain. Almost every month at least once I would get it. I would imagine her body crumbling down calling out to me begging me to save her. I always saw her face so clearly and it scared me. I wasn't there but I still blamed myself. Tris was the only one who frequented my head day and night. Sometimes I would imagine her small body still alive tugging me along and other nights… that would happen.

I pushed off the covers and stretched my legs. I looked at the clock. It read 6:00. I chuckled. Somehow after two years I still wake up early even though I don't need to. Dauntless always get up early because they wan to either do something incredibly dangerous or they have work to do. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I wash my face and brush my teeth then return to the bedroom. I pull on a shirt and jeans discarding my pj's on my bed. The door that leads to my room is slightly ajar so I push it all the way open and walk down the hall to the kitchen. Evelyn-er my mom- stands by the stove cooking eggs.

"Morning."

"Morning Tobias."

She hands me plate with scrambled eggs and I sit at the table.

"you never told me where you went yesterday."

"went out with some friends."

She nods her head and moves to the table and sits in the chair across from me. An uncomfortable silence follows. Even though we lived together and she was my mom we never talked that much to eachother. She wanted me to but I just never could bring myself to. It was always easiest to just talk to Christina. We both had been the closest to Tris so we had become very close. Christina also was the one who would help me to think of Tris in a good light by being happy and still living. But only when I am with friends is it genuine.

I finished the eggs and washed my plate in the sink. Evelyn was still eating hers at the table.

She watches me as I grab my keys to the apartment off the kitchen counter and walk to the door.

"Tobias wait." I turn in her direction. "We never talk and I want to have a good relationship with you. Now can you just move on from her and actually talk to me? She died two years ago. You need to forget her and move on. Times have changed."

I look at her with disgust.

"Did you just tell me to forget her? I can't. I have accepted she is gone but I could never forget her."

I turn to face the door and turn the handle. She sighs and the fork clinks against her plate. She must think I'm some hopeless case. Once I leave the apartment I walk to the main road and turn left. I see the city stretching out all around me and the mix of colors from the clothes everyone wears. A family walks past me and I hear the baby boy cry out to his mother from the stroller. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have children with Tris and raise them, but then remember she is gone and I immediately turn away from the family.

God I miss her so freaking much. She was everything to me. Without Christina I would have taken the serum but now she is like my life line because she actually knows the pain as much as I do. Of course Caleb, Zeke, Cara, and Shauna feel pain but I can tell they don't suffer and their heads aren't filled with pictures of her.

Every night the image of her body crumbling plagues my mind. I see the blood pool around her head and abdomen and shoulder from the multiple bullet wounds. She always reaches out to me and begs me to save her and every night I just watch unable to do anything. Only Christina knows I experience these which is why I'm heading to her apartment right now.

I let myself into the building and walk to her door. I knock three times then step back clasping my hands behind my back. She opens the door and beckons me to come in. I notice her toothbrush is in her mouth and laugh. She glares at me then runs to the bathroom to spit out the mixture in her mouth.

I sit on her couch and wait for her to return. A minute later she does and sits across from me like the way a therapist would if we were in a session.

"Tell me, was it like the last time."

I nod and she pretends to scribble down some notes.

"why do you think you have these nightmares?"

"Because I miss her?"

"Explain."

"She was my fucking life." I put my head in my hands and laugh nervously. "I honestly don't know how I can still live knowing that she died."

"We've been over this. She wouldn't want you to mope around all day and act all gothy. She would want you to experience life and not be so damn annoying all the time. God Four we've talked about this. IT isn't getting any easier for you to constantly freak everytime we mention her. You have to stopacting all teenage girly and shit and live your life. Do you remember what I said yesterday about how we have to look for the good things when they come around?" I nod. "well then tell me what is good in this situation."

"I'm actually talking."

"Not good enough. What about the fact that we remember everything. What about how we are safe. What about how you are alive!"

She is sounding very frustrated with me and I know she is right.

"I'm sorry. I just I want to live my life but at the same time I wish so much that I was dead and she was here."

"you and me both."

Silence follows but it isn't awkward like with my mother. With Christina it's comforting.

"My mom asked me to forget about her and move on."

"Never."

"I never could."

"I know. You know what this is getting sad. Stage 1 of training us to finally live. We are going to the bureau to do something dangerous and crazy."

I look at her puzzled.

"We are going to ride a plane."

"We did that."

She looks at me with a spark in her eye.

"Not on the wings."