Who Strode Most High
"You wanna know the story? Shit, girl, I was wondering when you were going to ask."
"Well, I was more curious about the biology of the—"
"It was about six hundred years ago, closer to my Matron years than I wasn't. I just got paid major bucks for a big snatch and grab job, took a bunch of red sand from some Blood Pack mercs. So I did what any girl my age did—I took the first flight to Omega to live it up for a couple of nights.
"So there I was, I had a few shots of the hardest asari liquor we have before chasing it down with a shot of ryncol, and I was good and loose. And there he came in. 'Who Strides Most High' was his face name. Might as well named him 'Who Made My Panties Melt.'"
"Father, I really don't think—"
"You wouldn't think hanar would be that hot, sure. Until you really look at 'em. Those heads of theirs are smooth and hard, full of curves and ridges in just the right places. And do I need to get into all the tentacles?"
"You really do not."
"See! I knew you'd get it, kid! I mean, no offense to your bondmate here, but sometimes you need half a dozen appendages to really get in there and—"
"DAD."
"Right, right, sorry, getting a little ahead of myself. Anyway, so this fine-ass hanar floats towards me and starts talking to me. This may come as a surprise to you kid, but back in the day, I was pretty intimidating."
"Just back in the day."
"Yeah. Enjoy your muscles while you can in your maiden stage, girl, 'cause once you get to my age, you're pretty much all tits or all ass and no guns. Sad.
"Anyway, this hanar is all confidence. I mean, it was still 'this one' this and 'this one' that, but he was more like 'This one believes you were personally touched by the enkindlers to be so beautiful.' Lame line, I know, but asari liquor does tend to make me more romantic.
"So we keep chatting. I keep doing shots, he's using that jellyfish stuff that gets hanar drunk. He gets me laughing, and those tentacles linger on my arm just long enough to get me wondering..."
"And that's what happened. So—"
"So eventually I take him over to my hotel room, and we barely even locked the door before things got hot. You can't really kiss a hanar like you can with a human, even a turian. They give you a tentacle around your mouth and tell you to go crazy. Each tentacle is erogenous, but especially the tip, so after a while I'm just trying to fit as much in my mouth as I can, as the rest of the tentacles are undressing me, feeling me up, restraining me..."
"Goddess..."
"I know! I was soaked, and it wasn't just because of their naturally produced oils. And that's when he stuck it in, both ways. Oh goddess-damn...look, all the species out there are pretty hot in their own way, they all offer something different to enjoy, but hanar...all those tentacles squeezin' every right spot and moving in all the right places, at the same time...I must've hit the double-digits with the amount of times I embraced eternity that night.
"And the bond...it ain't visual, or anything like with the other races, it's more...aural, musical. Their memories, their dreams are like music. There ain't nothin' like it, riding the wave of the most amazing symphony you've ever heard...and all on sheets you don't have to clean up."
"Father, could you please—"
"Alright alright, not much other details to embarrass ya with. So the day after, we traded numbers, kept in touch, got together whenever we could. Great guy, really, one of the best mates I ever had. Last time we got together we melded, and I had Elania, one of your half-sisters.
"So yeah, that's my story."
"That. Was. Amazing."
"Stop encouraging her, Shepard."